"Dean?" Sam started the next night.
"Oh for the freaking love of God. No. We aren't doing it tonight. We are not opening some festering wound just so we both can lie here and not sleep for the rest of the night. No. No. NO."
"But…"
"But you need to learn about me…because you need to know me again. That's bull shit and you know it. You know all about me Sam Winchester, you're just being selfish and wanting to know if I'm still mad, or if it's okay to use your powers, or if I've forgiven you, or if I will ever trust you again. So don't give me the crap answer you want to know me again. Here let me ask you something….Do you ever wish I was still in hell?"
Sam's whole face went slack and he sat straight up and starred at his brother, the dark shrouding him. Sam swallowed. "What the hell kind of question is that?"
"A legitimate one." Dean said with arms crossed over his prone body.
"No that's not. That's awful."
"Then why are you taking so long to answer it?"
"I don't' want you in hell."
"No. What I asked is if you wished I was still there, that I never left."
"Dean. This is stupid."
"Yeah, it is. It's about as stupid as all of the questions you've been asking me for weeks."
"But those are serious questions. Things that I wanted to know."
"Whose saying I don't want to know the answer to this question or that it isn't serious."
"But, you, you, you can't honestly believe that I would want you suffering I hell."
"You haven't particularly cared about what's happened to me since I've gotten back."
"That's a lie and you know it!" Sam exploded.
"Really! Really Sam?!"
"Yeah! How dare you ask me something like that?! How dare you assume….I worked hard to get you out of hell! I tried everything."
"Yeah even fucking a demon."
"I tried everything." Sam said through gritted teeth.
"Yeah, sure whatever."
"What do you want!? A list, you want to see the scars, you want me to fall at your feet and worship the fact that you are here?!"
"I would have liked to know that you actually wanted me back when I got back. I mean, I was so freaking elated to see you when you came back from the dead, and you were so disturbed by my death that you were with a chick, and sucking demon blood and just a regular Joe."
Tears threatened and spilled down Sam's face. "I did all that I knew, I've told you, I tried to make a deal, I tried to open the devil's gate, I tried everything. I couldn't get you out. I was trying to make your death mean something. I was trying to….to…"
"I don't care what you were trying to do. You left me the night I came back. Left me to go play with Ruby. I couldn't leave your side for months after you died, but I come back from HELL and you can't even find it in you to stick with me for twelve hours." Sam swallowed hard.
"I thought I was protecting you."
"By leaving me by myself when demons might just be after me, we didn't know what brought me back, or for how long…"
"How long?" Sam said suddenly scared.
"I didn't know if I was on some kind of shore leave or if this was a permanent thing Sam. Did you?"
"I assumed…"
"Yeah, well look where that has gotten the both of us." Silence enveloped the both of them for a moment.
"I left because I was going to exorcise the demons to make sure they couldn't come and get you. I didn't think you'd wake up, you said that you didn't remember hell, so I figured that you would be okay, especially if I took care of the demons that were around that might hurt you."
"Would have been nice to know at the time and not be fed lies."
"I wasn't trying to…." Sam threw his hands up and they landed on his thighs and he sighed. "I missed you a lot while you were gone, I felt like my right arm had been cut off. I..I…just got lost."
"Ruby showed you the way."
"The wrong way. "
"Ain't that the truth."
"Look Dean, I'm sorry."
Dean shrugged. "Nothin' to be sorry for. You just showed me how you really felt."
Sam felt panicky all of the sudden. Dean thought he didn't want or love him, Dean was going to be all right with that. He had to say something, he had to convince Dean that it was the demon blood and now how he really felt. "Dean…" he started.
"These midnight confessions suck don't they kid?" Dean interrupted and then rolled over and ended the conversation.
Sam swallowed hard and found that sleeping was most certainly not on the agenda that night.
