Again, thank you for the reviews. I responded to all the ones that I could - some don't allow PM's, but just know that I greatly appreciate every single one. :)
x
Kili remained awake long after he had been left alone with his thoughts. The campfire burned low, and Kili mulled over the vision of the lovely elf-maid, and the words of her blond friend.
By the time he felt exhausted enough to sleep, it was barely an hour or two before dawn. The dwarf, Gimli, was already waking, as if programmed to take the latest watch, so Kili decided to let him do so. It allowed Janis sleep. The lad still needed the rest to help his injuries to heal.
He managed to settle into his bedroll, and was just letting sleep overtake him when he felt the cold steel of a blade against his throat. He didn't need to open his eyes to know the owner of the blade. It was the same blade that had been pressed against him only a few hours prior.
"Never trust a dwarf on guard duty," he muttered bitterly as he opened his eyes to see the hard jewel-green gaze of the she-elf as she leaned over him.
"Who are you?" she demanded.
The question caught him off guard. Being awoken from sleep with a knife at his throat, it hardly seemed to be a question he expected. "I thought your elvish friend was going to explain to you," he said, unwilling to answer politely to someone who happened to be threatening him.
"Do not toy with me," she said, her voice low, almost a growl. "He told me that you claim no memory of the past. How can that be?"
Although the knife was placed firmly against him, he felt no fear that she would actually use it, at least not yet. There was something desperate in her eyes. It was clear that she needed answers, almost as much as he needed them himself.
"If you wish for me to talk, it would be far easier without your blade at my neck," he said, his tone surprisingly light for the situation. He was now awake enough to register that, under different circumstances, her position on top of him would not be unwelcome.
She removed the blade and pulled away from him slightly, but looked no less distrustful. "Is it true that you have no memory of your past?"
He nodded, making a conscious effort to not rub his throat where the blade had just been. "I awoke at an inn in South Downs, five years past. I was badly injured. When I recovered, I was told that the person who left me there was a ranger," he explained. "But I have no memory prior to awakening at the inn. I don't know how I was injured, or why."
Other than the raising of a single eyebrow and a slight tilt of her head, her expression remained unchanged. "What type of injury?" she demanded.
The demand irked him, and a part of him wanted to become stubborn and refuse to answer. It was only a hope that, if he was able to earn her trust, that he might finally get his own answers. And he most certainly wanted to learn more about her. "I took a good blow to the head, and and a sword wound to my side," he said, his hand automatically moving to the area in question.
She didn't respond, but fixated on the spot where his hand hovered over his abdomen, her mouth slightly open.
She sat back, giving him room to move, and he took the opportunity to sit up, trying to make his position less awkward. She didn't object, but her actions reminded him of a dangerous animal that had been cornered. He decided to move slowly, not out of fear of her attacking, but that she might once again leave before he could get her to talk to him.
Looking to fill the uncomfortable silence, he continued, keeping his voice as calm and gentle as he could manage under the circumstances. "The ranger left funds at the inn for them to look after me. I stayed around that area for some time, hoping he'd return."
Her eyes sharply fixed on his, analyzing his expression and words for any hint of deception. "You say your name is Kilian," she stated.
"It was the name left with the innkeeper. I can only assume that it is my given name."
"Why did you come here?" she asked.
Based on the violent welcome that he'd received, Kili found himself wondering the same thing, but he restrained himself from voicing a cheeky answer. "I left South Downs to find answers. When the elf and the dwarf both recognized me, I had hoped they might lead me to find out who I am."
Her eyes sharpened with suspicion. "Surely, they realized that you cannot be him. You are no dwarf."
He chuckled, albeit with only a small amount of humor, remembering Callid taunting him with the insult of him being part dwarf. "No, I am not, although some have accused me of such a curse," he said, attempting to joke. Her eyes narrowed, and he worried that he'd just said the wrong thing. He raised his hands in a defensive gesture, hoping to calm her before she attacked again. "I only mean that, I'm not as tall as some, so it was common for some friends of mine to chide me about it. I meant no offense."
She looked at him with skepticism but her posture relaxed slightly. He took it as an opening to prod her for information because, well, he needed answers.
He tried to ask as neutrally as possible, "Was the one I resemble a dwarf? Gimli, the dwarf there, said that I looked like his cousin."
Anger flashed in her eyes, and he found himself leaning away, his eyes glancing toward her now-sheathed daggers. He couldn't tell if the anger was directed at him or, perhaps, the dwarf.
She didn't miss his reaction, and a moment later, he finally saw her expression soften, as if she realized she was being too harsh. He watched the emotions play in her eyes, as the anger turned to regret, and some resignation. Having fought her internal battle, she took a deep breath before answering, "It does not matter whom you resemble. That one is dead. Buried nearly eight decades ago. I visited his tomb not one year past, and it remains sealed."
Dead. The words troubled him and he closed his eyes, trying to wrap his mind around the idea. He had memories of this she-elf, and he was no dwarf, and most certainly not dead.
He fell silent, considering her words. Was he some sort of ghost, walking the world? He immediately dismissed the thought. His mind ran through possibilities, trying to make sense of the situation, then, with deep regret, he concluded that the vision in his nightmares were only a product of his imagination. Perhaps he'd only seen her at one time in his past and had conjured the dreams to comfort his damaged mind. It would not be uncommon for any man to see a creature so beautiful and latch onto the memory, creating fantasies. The odd feeling of levity that he'd begun to feel at her closeness evaporated at the realization.
Her story was a sad one, and he could see the pain in her face. When he spoke, his tone was gentle. "I wish you no harm. I assure you, that I was only trying to find a connection with my past. I did not mean to trouble you," he said, feeling the sincerity of his words.
Finally, she rocked back on her heels, her stance relaxing as if she'd finally understood that he was telling the truth.
"I will leave on the morrow," he said. "I see that my answers do not lie here. I'm sorry to have troubled you."
She looked down, a soft, sad smile lifting her lips. "I do not blame you. Legolas was only hoping to give me reason to stay. He does not wish me to sail west."
"They say that elves that sail away will never return," he stated, curious.
She nodded. "The Undying Lands. It is said that we find peace there."
He felt sorry for this elf. "It is sad that one so lovely as you needs to seek such a place," he said, his tone soft. She did not react to his words, only looked down, her eyes sad.
Another thought occurred to him that, if he'd possibly seen her enough to formulate a vision of her in his dreams, her journeys might give a clue to where he'd come from. He risked asking more. "Where do you hail from?"
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as if recalling a memory. "My home is in the Mirkwood. I serve King Thranduil."
"Would your king not miss you?"
She gave a sigh before responding, as if resigned, almost defeated in some way. "I have spent these past years driving the darkness out of the forest there, and we have succeeded. My task there is ended."
He realized that, like her blond elven friend, he wanted her to stay also. "And there is nothing else here that would call to you?"
The softness of her features immediately disappeared and she replied with deep bitterness. "Only a sealed tomb."
He smiled sadly at the beautiful elf, feeling an urge to touch her in comfort, but not daring to try. She was vulnerable at the moment, but she was also dangerous, and he had no wish to draw her ire.
"I wish you well in your travels, lady elf. I hope that you find the peace that you seek."
She looked up, her eyes meeting his, and he saw the sadness and yearning. He found himself horribly disappointed that he could not be the one that she had lost.
x
Kili and Janis departed by midday, eager to be away from the too-solemn atmosphere surrounding the elven refuge. Annoyingly enough, the blond elf and his dwarven friend managed to tag along, as if to ensure that the two men would not return.
They did not speak to him along the way, and Kili was glad of it. There was nothing to say, and he wanted to be alone with his thoughts of the lovely she-elf. Legolas seemed to be of similar mind. Kili might have felt sorry for him, except he found the creature too irritating. Of course, it might be that Kili was simply jealous of the elf, but there was little to be jealous about.
Janis and Gimli had no such reservations and the pair chatted amiably, mostly about the make of weapons, the oddities of elves and the like. It was comforting to hear the tone of their conversation, even if Kili had no desire to participate.
"Where do we go next?" Janis asked him on the second night, breaking Kili from his lonely musings. "We could go north to the Blue Mountains," the blond suggested eagerly.
Kili still didn't feel like talking, but couldn't resist the lad forever. "There's nothing north of here," he said flatly. "Nothing but dwarves." The mere mention of the word made Kili's tone turn bitter. The last thing he wanted was to meet another dwarf who claimed he looked familiar.
Janis' eyes widened with distress. "But..." he stammered. "But we haven't found the ranger yet."
"We go east, to Bree," he replied, his tone unusually emotionless as he tried to avoid the lad by focusing on rearranging a few items in his pack, although there was no need for the trivial task. "From there, you can wait and pick up one of the merchant caravans and go home." He knew without looking up that Janis's reaction was not a happy one.
"But," Janis pressed, a hint of desperation coming to his voice. "What of the maid? What happened back there?"
Kili's eyes darkened, and his scowl deepened, he stared vacantly ahead, still not making eye contact with his friend. "It was a mistake - a misunderstanding. I'm not the one they were looking for. I just look like someone they all knew eighty years ago." He turned back to his pack, hoping to look busy enough to dissuade the lad from pressing him further, but the youth was far too persistent.
"Eighty years?" Janis appeared as lost as Kili felt about the information. "I don't understand. You all seemed so certain..."
Tossing the pack down in frustration, he finally looked at Janis, hoping to make the lad understand. "I'm certain they aren't telling me everything, but I'm guessing that she might have been nearby when I was injured, or maybe some time long ago in my travels. Yes, she looks like someone I remember, but I am not the person they knew" he said, trying to keep the disappointment from his voice. "My head was hit pretty hard, so I remembered her face and managed to build something around it - nothing more," Kili explained. "Missing memory is a tricky thing. This was a mistake, and now it's time to move on."
Not that he was certain of the theory, but the more he pondered the idea, the more it seemed to be the most reasonable explanation. The elf-maid had traveled to the Grey Havens from somewhere far. Likely, they'd crossed paths during the time he'd been injured and he'd built some sort of sad fantasy in his nightmares. Indeed, she was stunning and she would probably forever be an ideal that Kili would use to compare other women. But elves did not fall in love with men. It might take a while, but Kili would have to let go of her memory.
"Where will you look then?"
Kili shrugged in response, turning back to his pack. "I originally planned to go south - to Rohan, or maybe Gondor. I'll find another group headed that way."
"I'd rather stay with you," Janis said. "I don't need to go home yet."
"How's your arm?" Kili responded, a bit sharply, changing the subject to avoid the lad's suggestion.
"Fine. It's been almost three weeks."
"A break like that usually takes close to six weeks to heal. Sometimes longer," Kili stated, not for the first time, wincing at the memory of seeing the younger man's injury. "I promised your family that I'd see you safely home. You were only supposed to go to the Brandywine and back. I've already kept you too long."
"I'm old enough to know my own mind!" Janis said stubbornly.
The boy's tone made Kili smile in affection. Janis reminded him so much of someone from his past when he was stubborn, or laughing, or even fighting that it made Kili's heart ache. He liked the lad. He liked him enough to want him by his side, but he also wanted him home, safe. The world was a dangerous place.
They arrived in Bree three days later, and Kili had never been so happy to see a settlement so that he could finally part company and drown his sorrows in a healthy dose of ale and maybe a female companion. He had an elf to forget.
He and Janis had settled in. The tavern of choice had a deceptively friendly name, "The Prancing Pony," but the establishment was just as rough a gathering place as he'd ever been. The two men took a spot by the hearth, their backs to the wall to keep watch over the surroundings.
"Glad to be done with that pair," Kili said, downing a third tankard over his half-finished meal.
"I'm not. They seemed like an honest sort. Safer to travel in groups."
"Maybe, but there will be others. We should see about any caravans that need escort. I want to be as far away from here as soon as possible."
Janis nodded. "I'm sorry it didn't work out."
"As am I," Kili replied grumpily.
"Where do we go from here?"
"I go south. You should go home. We're in Bree, so one of the caravans from home will be by this way in a week or two. You can join up when one of the groups from Hillsborough makes a trip up this way."
Janis smiled wryly. "I'm not leaving you."
Kili gave his friend a cross look. "I promised you home safely by late spring."
"I'll send word back for when the next trip goes to the Downs. My parents will understand."
The dark-haired man dropped his gaze, his expression thoughtful. "You don't have to do this."
"I'm your friend."
The words struck Kili like a hammer. In the five years that he'd lived and traveled in the area, he'd made friendships, but few were close. There was a deep comfort in knowing that this young man was willing to stand with him and that he wasn't entirely alone. Having the blond by his side had been right, in some way.
"If we hurry south, we might catch Callid's caravan," Janis added with an impish smile.
The brunet stared suspiciously at his taller friend.
"He and Tanager might still want you marry his daughter," the blond said, his voice teasing.
Kili paused for a moment, realizing his friend was taunting him. In a moment, his bad mood lifted. He slapped the tankard down against the table, the abrupt action causing the liquid to slosh around, making a mess. He laughed, a sound that he hadn't heard from himself in far too long. "Before or after they murder me?"
"Hopefully before, but the way the girl was looking at you, she might have you either way."
"Funny that," he admitted, his laughter quieting. "She really could do better."
"Don't sell yourself short," the younger man said cheerfully. "When we get to Rohan, or Gondor, there'll be plenty of maids to pick from. One might even turn away from you long enough to notice me."
Kili clapped the lad on the shoulder. "Now who is selling himself short. You're just young. Women usually prefer the taller ones anyway, which is the only reason Callid ever found any."
Janis chuckled and both drank to their friend.
Then Janis continued, his tone a bit more serious. "Is it true there are dozens and dozens of available women in Rohan?"
Kili nodded, his mood sobering a bit as he was reminded of the terrible death tolls in Rohan and Gondor. Because so many husbands, sons and fathers had been slaughtered on the battlefields defending just a few years ago, the towns were now populated by far more women than men.
Janis suggested, "With all those women, maybe you'll finally find one that you want to settle down with."
Draining his tankard, Kili shook his head. "Naw. I'm not marrying anyone until I know who I am. For all I know, I might already have a wife somewhere."
Janis raised an eyebrow. "Hadn't you thought of that before?"
"Aye," he replied, raising his hand to signal to the plump hobbit bar maid that he wanted another.
Janis stared at him, incredulously.
"What?" Kili asked.
"You think you might have a wife somewhere?"
Kili stared sourly at his friend. "Of course not. If I did, there'd be a ring, or some token that I might have carried."
Janis appeared dubious, but nodded.
He chuckled at his tall, young friend. "I have other reasons to believe that as well. When I was left at Iain's inn, I was barely as old as you are now." Not that he wanted to admit that he was fairly certain that he'd never done anything carnal with a woman before his arrival in South Downs. Janis was truly a friend, but that wasn't information that he cared to share.
"You liked her," Janis said, changing the topic.
"I like them all," Kili replied, happily taking a fresh tankard of ale from the bar maid.
"Not the girls. The elf," Janis prodded.
"Let's not talk about that," Kili said, lifting the tankard and ignoring his friend.
And, fortunately, he didn't need to, because the tone of the conversation in the room shifted, bringing Kili to alert. He gave a quick nod to Janis, who took the cue also. In places such as this, it was best to take note of such subtle changes, especially when they were strangers. He looked toward the door to see what might be the cause of the disruption, his hand going instinctively to his weapon.
And there she was.
A female elf in a tavern was apparently unusual enough to draw attention, because most eyes shifted to her as she entered the room and people began speaking about her in hushed whispers. Her expression was guarded and her hand rested on her still-sheathed dagger, ready to react to any potential threat. She was short for an elf - no taller than Kili - yet her bearing gave her a commanding presence. Men, dwarves and hobbits stepped out of her way as she walked purposefully across the room, her eyes coldly scanning the inhabitants.
Then, her gaze reached the corner where he and Janis were seated. She immediately turned directly toward them, making Kili sit up with anticipation.
"I told you you liked her," Janis said, almost snickering with amusement.
"Quiet, or I'll have her slit your throat," the brunet replied, the false threat making no impact on his clearly amused friend.
She ignored Janis entirely when she reached the table. "Kilian," she stated, her expression giving no indication that she was pleased to see him.
Alternatively, he was extremely pleased to see her, although he was disappointed that she clearly did not return the sentiment. Only one reason for seeking them out came to mind, and he decided to answer before she could ask the question. "Your blond elf is not here," he said, trying to sound unaffected by her presence. "We parted company two days ago. He and his dwarf friend were seeking accommodations elsewhere - in Hobbiton, I think. They said they have friends there."
"I was looking for you," she said, again giving no indication of whether that was a good or bad thing.
Janis stood awkwardly, indicating his seat to the elf. "I believe I will retire?" he said, making it a question in case Kili wanted him to stay.
Kili nodded to his friend, giving the blond permission to leave. His curiosity was piqued, and he doubted that the elf would share her reasons if Janis remained. "How may I help you?" he asked, indicating for her to take Janis' now-vacant seat.
But she did not sit. Initially, when she'd approached, she had seemed calm and in control, but now, with her standing closer, he could tell that there was a nervousness about her, as if she were an animal preparing to bolt.
"Please, sit. I promise not to bite," he said, trying to appear more approachable, remembering how she'd reacted before.
With some reluctance, she sat and he did the same, but there were a number of awkward seconds before she managed to compose her words.
"I do not like you," she stated.
He grinned. He couldn't help himself. "You traveled five days, following me to Bree, to seek me out to tell me that you don't like me?"
Her eyes narrowed, which should have appeared threatening, yet he could not bring himself to fear her. "I do not trust you at your word."
He tried to appear more serious, considering her alert state, then leaned back in his chair and shrugged, hoping he appeared nonchalant. "You don't know me. There's no reason to trust me, but I swear to you that I have not lied about myself."
She studied him for a moment. "Where are you going from here?"
He looked at her, puzzled by the question, then took a deep swig of ale before deciding to respond. "Rohan. I am hoping that, in the bigger cities, I might find someone who knows something about me."
"I wish to go with you."
In surprise, he nearly spit out the ale that he had just sipped. "What?"
"It was once a desire of mine to travel and see more of Arda. I would like to do so before I sail west."
His heart was now pounding in his chest, and the joy he felt was unimaginable but he felt guarded, not knowing her motives. "Why with me and not your elf friend? You just said you don't like me and you don't trust me."
She lifted her chin. "As you accurately stated, it is because I do not know you. A journey with you will give me an opportunity to determine if you are to be believed. If what you say is true, and you are looking for your missing past, then I would help you find what you seek."
"What if I don't want you to come?" he asked, although it was quite clear that he didn't mean it. Already, a pleased smile was plastered to his face, his eyes twinkling in a teasing manner.
She merely raised one eyebrow, challenging him.
He grinned widely, his dark mood from the past days now gone entirely. "We leave on the morrow. We will take the Greenway south."
She gave a sharp intake of breath, although he was confused why.
"Is that too soon?"
"No," she said quickly. "I will meet you at the stables mid-morning."
Without saying another word, she rose gracefully from her chair and left.
A/N - Well? Hope I got you a bit there, thinking that he'd left her behind. :)
Just a note about how long it takes to travel around Middle Earth. The reference I found for how long it took to get from the Grey Havens to Hobbiton is based on Samwise Gamgee's trip back to Hobbiton after seeing Frodo and the others sail west. Sam traveled with his pony, Bill, and the journey took seven days. I figure that Sam might have been slower traveling, being sad and thoughtful. Where Kili is on a horse, not a pony, and they are eager to leave, I think they moved a bit faster.
Other distances are not so easy to estimate, and that has been a challenge while writing this story.
