I woke up, still in the hospital. I didn't know how long it had been, or even what time it was. When I looked out the window at my bedside, I saw thick, gray clouds covering the city. It wasn't raining, but it wanted to. In a way, it was kind of like me. On the outside, I was dull and gloomy. I looked like I was going to cry, but I didn't. It was like the tears just shut off. I didn't know how to feel at that moment. Maybe it was the drugs, or the shock, but I didn't feel anything. I looked to Fang, who was sleeping. I couldn't help but feel bad for putting all of my stress on him.

Normally, when you date a girl, her sister doesn't go missing, and you don't have to listen to her complain about how terrible her life is. I felt like Fang would eventually feel like this was all there was to a life with me. We'd wait, and wonder about Ella, and I'd die a little more every day. He'd be forced to watch. I didn't want that for him, but I was too weak to try to live without him. It was selfish, but I wasn't ready to lose anyone else. That made me worry too.

Fang was too good of a person. He'd never leave me on his own, knowing that I was going through this. Knowing that I was dying a little more, every single day. He has too big of a heart. He'd stay with me, just because he didn't want to break me more than I'd already been broken. I didn't want him to stay because he felt like he had to.

I lay there thinking. Every thought breaking my heart further and further. I let the pain consume me, but I didn't shed a single tear. I wanted to, but I wouldn't. Not that my parents were actually worried about me or anything, but I had to be strong for Ella. I thought about the terror that she must've felt at the time of her death. Or, if she was actually alive, I thought about the terror that she must've still been feeling.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but the sleep wouldn't come. I looked to the ceiling, and did something that I hadn't done in a while. I prayed:

"Hey there. I know I only talk to you when I need something, and that really sucks. You give people these beautiful lives, and they trash them. I'm scared. I don't know how to continue my life. All I've been doing since Ella's gone missing, is wonder, and cry, and break down. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm going to live with this burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life, and I don't know how to. I don't know what to do. And I try, so hard to block it all out, but it doesn't work. I can't think about anything else. I can't concentrate on school work, I can't play soccer, instead, All I can do is watch the turmoil one would call my life, get worse. I get to watch my parents drift apart. I get to wallow in sorrow, wondering what happened to my sister because no one'll give me the answer to this damn nightmare. So, if there's some lesson that I'm supposed to learn, please just GET ON WITH IT. Because I'm ready to take my own life at this point. What more can you take from me?" I asked.

I looked to Fang, who was still sleeping, hoping that he hadn't heard. I didn't want him to worry more than he already was. I closed my eyes and thought to myself,

What is this life even worth anymore?