Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT
Author Notes: I liked this chapter. Things are finally moving.
Things Unsaid
A sudden change had come over Molly Weasley when Severus entered the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place for that evening's meeting. She was serving Remus a late dinner and obviously treating him with her finest cooking which, judging by the jealous looks on her children's faces (including Granger), was reserved only for very special individuals. Remus seemed tiredly overwhelmed and gave Molly one of his charmingly thankful smiles. He looked ill as usual around this time of month and with a pang Severus realised that he could just have brewed the Wolfsbane, what harm would it have done? He pretended to himself that he didn't care and while lingering in the doorway he watched the scene before him in mild surprise. Just a few days ago, Molly had avoided close contact with Remus and treated him like air. What had changed?
"This really isn't necessary, Molly. Please don't go to any more pains. I'll be just fine," said Remus in a half-embarrassed, half-amused voice that wavered here and there, giving away the strain Remus was under just sitting up straight and holding a fork.
"Don't be ridiculous, Remus, look at yourself. You are much too skinny! If you were one of my boys – now, eat, do me the favour. You'll need the strength," said Molly and Severus raised his eyebrows. How come? This was so unusual.
"Mum, we'd like some as well," tried Fred Weasley, Severus could always distinguish him by his slightly harsher voice.
"You've already had your share!" snapped Molly and brandished her ladle at him. "And don't you dare steal from Remus!"
"We need the strength, too!" said Ron and Remus chuckled, letting Ginny pick a potato from his plate behind her mother's back.
"You are not –" she faltered and Severus knew that she couldn't bring herself to say 'a werewolf', "in the Order!" Remus cleared his throat quietly but acted as if he hadn't noticed the short pause. "Remus works hard, he needs to be fed!"
Behind her Remus had burst out laughing at that and tried to cover it as a coughing fit, being clapped on the back by a roaring Black and a giggling Ginny. Severus couldn't hold back a smirk at the unintended pun. Molly looked disapprovingly at Black and Severus suddenly felt much more approving of her. He stepped into the kitchen and ignored how everyone fell silent, sitting down opposite the werewolf who gave him a quiet 'hello' and offered him a potato from his own fork. Black looked appalled but Severus shook his head with a sneer and folded his arms. Sometimes Remus's actions seemed like relics of the close relationship they had had. After a moment or two everyone busied themselves with anything but Severus and Black tried to envelop Remus in a conversation.
Remus … how painful that name still was in his mind. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what Remus's behaviour meant. He was all but trying to get closer to Severus as he had used to during his year at Hogwarts. Severus wouldn't have believed that anything was worse than hatred, but indifference was. Sure enough Remus wasn't entirely indifferent to Severus, he seemed to be interested in him, but not in the nonexistent relationship between them. It was a mystery to him. He admitted to himself that he had expected differently. He was being pathetic once again.
He drummed his fingers on the table and watched Remus intently. Until he noticed that Remus was watching him too. Black turned away from the werewolf, bored by Remus's lack of response and Remus smiled slightly. "Are you sure that you don't want a potato? They are really good," he said quietly and indicated his plate.
Severus looked away. The last time they had eaten together had been the last night of Remus's employment at Hogwarts. He scowled. If he reached out now, he could touch Remus's fingers. He balled his hand into a fist. Why should you touch him? If he doesn't want to touch you, why should you touch him? Because I crave him, need him. You wimp. What has become of you? Will you hover out of the room if he smiles at you?
He chanced a glance at Remus and was met by that same intent stare and inquisitive smile. Severus stared back for a moment, then he averted his eyes and fiddled with his sleeves. What was this smile? It was different wasn't it? It was … expectant. Severus looked up again. Yes, there was something expectant beside the searching expression. Remus was chewing slowly. Severus was wondering.
"How are you feeling?" said Remus, after he had swallowed.
Severus wanted to glare but it ended up as a grimace. "What business is that of yours?" he said softly and shoved Granger's cat away from him with his leg.
"I am interested," replied Remus and leaned back slightly when Molly gave him second helpings. He stopped her with a frantic wave of the hand when the pile of potatoes grew to the size of Mount Everest. "I'd like to know if you're … you know, 'alright'"
He gave Severus an apologetic look and Severus wanted to strangle him. He wasn't alright. In no way. And this strange situation didn't help him tidy up his mind and get his thoughts in order to fend off the Dark Lord. Sometimes he lost a certain memory, and it just slipped from behind the curtain. That could lead to exposure. And Albus scolded him for it whenever they practiced. He blamed Remus. Severus scowled at Remus's food. He didn't want to let Albus see all these memories. To look into those thoughts. Not to speak of the Dark Lord. It was private. It was meaningful. It was over, apparently.
Remus was staring at him. Severus found it rather disconcerting. "What?" he snapped and tried not to regret it.
Remus smiled but didn't answer. He didn't move either. Severus fidgeted. He found it rather strange.
"Tomorrow is the full moon," Remus said quietly as the Weasley twins passed.
Severus swallowed. "I know."
Remus seemed to notice suddenly that he had made Severus uncomfortable. "Oh, I didn't mean to reproach you, I wanted to ask you a favour."
Severus raised an eyebrow. Every one of Remus's words hurt him somehow. And everyone of his own stung on his tongue. "Why do you think would I do you one?"
Remus didn't reply to this. In fact, he ignored it. "In the morning, would you kindly come and bring me one of those magnificent potions? I cannot lie in bed for days. I'm too busy."
"Come?" asked Severus despite himself. "I thought Molly Weasley didn't want a werewolf in the house with the children."
Remus smiled. "Ah, at the moment I think she finds Sirius a bigger threat to her children … or at least to their education. It seems I have been able to convince her of my likability."
Severus looked at him skeptically. "Indeed? And how would you have done that?"
"I talked to her. Or rather," he dropped his voice, "I comforted her. And she saw me with her children. You know I think they like me."
"You think?" asked Severus sarcastically. He was unwilling to accept this explanation. Most probably Remus had done something special. Or heroic. Or both. But he let it rest. Remus was modest.
"But I won't be here, anyway. I will go to my place. I'll try to return here in the morning. I'd be grateful if you came."
"And why doesn't Black look after you?"
"Oh, well …" Remus tried to grin but it was more of a grimace. "He's busy with himself."
Severus felt a rush of glee inside him. But he wouldn't show it. "You seem to have done well without my care," he said.
"Then I am a better actor than I thought."
Severus stopped and narrowed his eyes at Remus. "I will come. But don't expect any babysitting."
"Of course not, thank you very much," said Remus and inclined his head. Severus remembered the many nights he had lain awake because of Remus's transformations.
"Not at all."
When Albus entered the kitchen, he first talked to the children and told them not to tell Potter anything about the Order or Grimmauld Place. Apparently the brat had started asking questions and getting angry. Severus knew how it was to be left out, he couldn't approve of the way Albus acted. He was sure it would make Potter reckless. He was much like his godfather.
"You were right about Lucius," said Severus when Albus passed him. "Maybe you should warn those who guard the door."
"Thank you, Severus," said Albus simply and started the meeting. Severus was annoyed.
"Something is bothering you," said Albus when they were leaving Grimmauld Place after the meeting. It wasn't a question.
"The Dark Lord is trying to get into the Ministry and making progress, doesn't that bother you?" snapped Severus. Albus shook his head.
"That's not what's bothering you," he said. Again no question. "It is something private."
"You do know what private means?" retorted Severus irritably.
"You should talk about it," said Albus. "You know you should."
Severus scowled at him and watched him disappear into thin air. For twenty-four hours he lay in bed undisturbed. It was relieving not to be talking or clearing his mind or being stared at. Though he noticed how much he was in need of Dreamless Sleep Draught. Whenever he closed his eyes one of his cruelties swam before them, making it impossible to sleep without waking every few hours, drenched in cold sweat, heart hammering violently. If Remus knew how many times he was being thought of that day …
On the full moon there was no cloud in the sky, everything was eerily calm and bright. There were no Order meetings on a full moon out of respect for Remus, neither did the Death Eaters assemble, though Severus had expected the Dark Lord to use the creepy atmosphere to his advantage. It was almost morning when Lucius's head appeared in Severus's fireplace to ask the names of those who were standing guard at the Ministry. Severus told them to him and advised him not to try anything with the Aurors. There was no getting past Shacklebolt he was sure. Albus, he hoped, knew what he was doing.
When morning broke, Severus became slightly nervous. He descended into the basement and fetched one of his Strengthening Potions before going back to bed for another few hours' sleep. Surely it would take the werewolf some time to return to Grimmauld Place. And then Severus could tend to him like he had used to. He caught himself liking that thought.
He was a coward. There he was, potion in his pocket, braced for everything he might see, to heal every injury that could be found, standing in front of the door to Remus's room at number twelve where the werewolf had said he'd return in the morning. It was now midday. Severus had already spent twenty minutes just looking at the door, raising his hand now and then ready to knock but faltering in the end. What would happen if he entered? He didn't see a good end to it. Being alone with a weak Remus in one room was no good idea. It was something that scared him for no evident reason. He didn't know why, but he couldn't bring himself to knock. To be asked in.
It wasn't the same between them, and pretending that it was made it worse. When he heard someone coming downstairs from the second floor he moved away from Remus's door and into the library which was directly opposite. The children and Black had just cleared it out. It was a room with high windows, enchanted most probably, as they let in bright light from a sun that wasn't shining that day. Outside it was cloudy. The room wasn't as gloomy as the others. There was a small sofa with a table in front of it in the midst of many bookshelves that contained books Severus would have liked to look at had he not been worried about his fingers being cut off by hidden guillotines. He trusted the Black family with everything.
Behind him the Weasley boys had arrived on the landing and were passing a Quaffle between them, rather noisier than they should. Severus sat down on the sofa and looked at Remus's door which he could see perfectly from there. He couldn't imagine the werewolf would like the sound of a Quaffle banging against his door. Severus looked away, assuming that Remus had not yet returned from his house. But he was only telling himself that so he had an excuse for not knocking. Not that it was safe to step out on the landing now anyway. He didn't like the feeling of a Quaffle hitting his head. Neither did Ron it seemed for he cried out and the next thing Severus heard was a thump as if the Quaffle had made the acquaintance of a stomach.
Severus leant back and wrapped his hand round the phial in his pocket. He was feeling like an idiot. He could just have entered the room delivered the potion and left. But whenever he was with Remus he wanted to hear his voice. Whenever he was alone with him he wanted something he couldn't have. It was no use, it was impossible. Severus couldn't take more disappointments, more pain, the inevitable separation that he had to fear. When he looked into those amber eyes he felt ashamed. He was sick of feeling ashamed. He was sick of feeling guilty. He wanted peace, silence. He didn't want to talk anymore and he didn't want to be touched anymore. He wished he could just go somewhere far away without responsibilities, without duties, without lies and truth. Without feelings.
A door opened, another thump could be heard and then collective silence. The boys had stopped playing and shouting and Severus thought they had been forced to do so by his mere will power. But he was mistaken. Obviously he wasn't the only one who could make people fall silent by his mere presence.
"Boys, I would appreciate it if you were a little more quiet," said a very raspy voice in a tone that only Remus could master; it was mild and yet one couldn't miss that it was no request, but an order. That, Severus thought, was probably what a teacher's voice needed to sound like. "Last night was the full moon and I am sure you will understand that I need some rest."
The boys mumbled a guilty apology and Remus gave them back their Quaffle before they descended the stairs to the ground floor. Severus half wished Remus wouldn't notice him and just retreat into his bedroom to sleep. No such luck. Severus was clearly visible from Remus's point of view. After a moment of obvious hesitation, Severus heard Remus close the door and move towards him on shaky legs. Severus saw him in the corner of his eye when he steadied himself on the shelves and wall, staggering with more dignity than Severus had when standing up straight.
Severus only looked at him properly when he sat down beside him on the sofa, or rather collapsed on it. He looked extremely exhausted. It must have cost him great energy to come back to Grimmauld Place right after a full moon, without help. Severus felt his stomach churning. But it wasn't his responsibility, not anymore. Remus smelt of smoke. Probably he had come by Floo. Apparating didn't seem to be one of his strengths. Severus found he quite liked the smell of smoke mingled with Remus's usual scent. It smelt so alive.
"Hello," croaked Remus and Severus nodded. He couldn't speak. He could almost never speak in Remus's presence. Maybe he feared he would say something wrong. Like … I love you. But there was no fooling himself, those words would never pass his lips. "You could have come in you know? I thought you weren't coming after all." Remus brushed his fringe out of his damp forehead.
His hair wasn't well groomed today, it was flat and lank. Usually – Severus knew from having seen it – Remus's hair sprang into perfectly handsome place every morning with no effort at all. And though the rest of him was shabby, Remus always kept himself neat and well-groomed. His dignity demanded it. Not today. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days, and that – Severus knew from having experienced it – was probably true. He was always out on duties and when he came back he attended meetings, entertained Black or wrote reports. When he finally got some sleep the children would wake him. They had yet to learn not to disturb him.
"I said I'd come," said Severus and knew that if Remus hadn't spotted him, his reputation of being very reliable would have taken great damage. Not that Remus would have begrudged it, he thought himself unimportant, though he wasn't. There were no visible injuries and Remus didn't say anything, but Severus knew he wouldn't and yet he didn't ask about it. Remus's sleeves were very long, only his fingers were visible, as if he wanted to hide his injuries. Severus didn't like it. He took out the phial he had warmed in his hand and Remus took it carefully, taking it at the bottom so as not to touch Severus's fingers. Severus didn't like it. He felt like the potion delivery service. He felt like he wasn't special at all. He could have slapped himself for that thought. He was an idiot. This moment of lank hair and flat voices was all he had. It was something, which wasn't necessarily better than nothing. But nothing was impossible.
"I'm sorry to have bothered you, but I didn't know whom else to ask," said Remus and Severus didn't like it. It sounded as if he didn't actually want to see him. That there had been no other choice. Severus wanted him to be happy to see him, he knew it was foolish, but he wanted Remus to be pleased to see him.
To Remus it didn't seem to matter. And deep inside his wretched soul Severus never wanted him to be happy again, if it wasn't with him. He wanted it to matter to Remus that they no longer had anything to share. But then again, that wasn't Remus's fault, and Severus supposed he had every right of moving on. Even more so when Severus gave him no sign that he hadn't. Yet it drove Severus mad that Remus didn't seem to care.
"You should take a break," said Severus, "you can barely stand upright."
Remus sipped his potion, which he only did when he wanted to lengthen Severus's stay. Severus wondered what he needed more time for. He caught himself almost believing that the werewolf liked his presence. "Thank you for your concern Severus," said Remus with one of those smiles that weren't real, "but as I'm sure you know, I have my duties as you have yours."
And then it struck Severus. What was making him uncomfortable was right there. In that very moment. "You just need to be needed," he said a little more harshly than he had intended, but he was too angry to care. It was the way Remus talked to him. Severus hated this distanced tone. It was as if nothing had ever happened between them. There was no intimate notion in the way the werewolf chose his words, it was as if they were nothing more than mere fleeting acquaintances not two men who had shared a bed. Severus was ready to explode at the werewolf. If he didn't want intimacy, then he should at least act and speak with awkwardness or hostility or disappointment. But this was simply unbearable. It was insulting. It was a petty attempt at pretending that they had never had a relationship and Severus couldn't accept that. He got up rather forcefully and Remus raised his eyebrows at him.
"I like to be needed," he admitted in that calm voice that Severus knew from Remus's first day at Hogwarts. "And I know that you do, too."
Severus was fuming now. Remus couldn't possibly pretend they didn't know each other and admit that they did know each other very well, all in one sentence. He wanted to slap him. He wanted to tell him how angry it made him, how hurt he was. But he figured Remus knew. As he always knew.
"I didn't want to upset you," said Remus and drained the potion, handing Severus back his phial. Severus wrenched it out of his weak fingers and turned to leave without another word, underestimating the strength of the chains Remus's voice could lay round his legs. "I have a question."
Remus's voice wasn't mild now, it was calm but in a harsh way. Remus seemed to have noticed, for he softened it when he continued. "Just this one question and then you can leave, if you like."
Severus didn't turn round he just waved his hand to show that Remus should continue. He was too nervous to turn round. He didn't want Remus to read anything in his face.
"If you … if you hadn't been forced to see me again because of the Order, if it hadn't been for Voldemort," said Remus and Severus suddenly felt as if he had lost the floor under his feet, as though he were falling into a pit. His stomach turned and his neck became very hot. "Would you have wanted to see me again, like I said you could? I mean, would you have come to see me … eventually?" Remus added that last word like a helpful step stone in a river. He didn't sound hopeful, he sounded worried. Severus had never been able to read him very well but now he really didn't know what he could tell him, what he would want to hear. He only knew how to hurt him. Or rather he knew what would have hurt him a year ago.
There was a long pause. Then Remus spoke again. "The truth if you please," he said very quietly and Severus felt he owed him the truth. He thought it over. Every possibility. He knew the answer, but he wanted to be sure before giving it. He wondered whether he should count in the possibility that one day he wouldn't have been able to stand the loneliness anymore but decided against it. He couldn't stand the loneliness, and yet the fear of all the other horrible feelings when seeing Remus again was stronger still. He had not tried to find Remus in a whole year, the trips to his house didn't count, he hadn't had any intention to speak to him. He would not have tried to find Remus in the next year, either, or the year after that, because the farewell had been a horrible one, had shown him who he really was and … and Remus deserved better. Severus was sure he had come to share that opinion.
No, Severus had been disappointed and angry so long that, when those feelings had finally ceased and he would have been ready to find Remus, too much time had passed and it had been too late. Shame had held him back, a shame he couldn't admit. Actions he couldn't apologise for, and couldn't forgive. And Severus would have thought it cowardly and pathetic, if he had crawled to Remus because he couldn't handle the Dark Lord's return on his own. He disliked himself. He dwelled on something he had pushed out of his life for fear. And now that he knew Remus had been right, that you could forgive everything if you loved someone, that you would do everything to be close to them, it was Remus who didn't feel the same anymore. And he had every right and reason not to do so. But Severus couldn't bear it.
"Would you have come to see me, Severus?" Remus repeated still very quietly. And Severus turned round to him.
"No," he said softly. He didn't elaborate. It wasn't necessary. That was all Remus needed to know.
"I see," said Remus. There was no visible emotion on his face, no frown, no tear, nothing. And it was the most horrible thing Severus had ever seen. "I thought so," added Remus with a voice as calm as a lake on a windless day. Probably he had just wanted the confirmation that it had been right to stop waiting.
Severus felt a prickling in his eyes. Hadn't Remus promised he'd be waiting? For how long he hadn't said, forever Severus had secretly hoped. He had had no right to, and he had no right now to blame the werewolf for moving on, or for being little impressed by Severus's answer. Remus had waited, but Severus hadn't come, and he wouldn't. Because what Remus wanted to hear, Severus couldn't say, even now. Though he knew he felt it. It was a pulsing pain inside him right now. He couldn't change who he was.
He turned away and shut his eyes against the prickling. When he opened them again his eyelashes were gleaming and he failed to glare at himself. And he thought it served him right to feel so dreadful now, for this was what Remus must have been feeling when Severus had sent him away, had refused to give them a second chance. They didn't exchange another word. He left the library slowly as if he were glued to Remus. When he reached the front door and wanted to open it, he noticed he had crushed the phial in his hand. He was bleeding in a way that was very soothing. As if his grief were streaming out of the wound to leave him empty.
He couldn't deny that there had been hope. Hope for what he didn't know. Maybe that Remus would take it in his own hands and just continue where they had left off. How silly. How desperate. He had hoped that Remus still had feelings for him. Or at least that he felt sad about what had happened. It would have made him feel less alone. He wondered how he could have let something like that happen. How it was possible that they had turned from lovers to … two people who were absolutely uncomfortable in each other's company.
He wished he had told Remus what he felt in that room, had acted as though it didn't matter if Remus felt the same way. That would have been impressive. But Severus wasn't impressive. Not in these things. He was a hopeless child.
When he returned home he sat down in his armchair, put his face into his hands and just stared at the floor for hours. The thought that he had proof now, that there was no one who really cared about him anymore was making him desperate. He couldn't be close to Remus anymore. Now he had no strength left to sit in his presence and talk to him. He had irrevocably lost what had been so obviously his. No, he had thrown it away. He wished he didn't have to attend Order meetings anymore, where he had to talk in Remus's presence, with his eyes on him that he liked so much. When he got up to retreat into his bedroom his hands were wet. He wasn't alright.
