Akatsuki: Rise of the Shniz

Chapter 7: The attack of DICK… god that's lame…

"Alright… according to Xemnas, the black haired, red eyed, asshole is Itachi. Yup, definitely looks like a black haired, red eyed asshole. He should be followed by a blue fish man, A plant man, and a puppet. Quite the freakshow." O'Malley observed through binoculars in a tree. "Wait a minute… How the hell am I supposed to do this without any backup!?" He lifted his communicator. "Xemnas! How am I supposed to take this guy down if I don't have any back up!?" He yelled over the radio. "I'll send you some of my nobodies okay?" Xemnas responded. "I don't need any losers!" O'Malley said. "No, no! I mean those grayish white things that follow me and Shniz around everywhere." Xemnas explained. "Oh right… the little retarded henchmen… Alright, fine, send some over."

Some dusk nobodies appeared. "My god… they're hideous from far away, but up close… they're utterly repulsive… Oh well… Is that a zipper for a mouth? What did you do to these things?" O'Malley asked through the radio. "Uh… they were born that way." Xemnas said. "They were born repulsive?" O'Malley asked. "Born hideous, raised repulsively… Just work with it." Xemnas said. "Fine. Attack!" O'Malley cried, pointing to Itachi's group.

DEIDARA'S GROUP

"Who's pumpkin face?" Road Kamelot asked. "I believe that's the one they call, Tobi." Tyki responded. "According to Xemnas, he's supposed to be retarded." The two watched as Tobi tripped over a randomly placed Ice cube. "Yup. Definitely retarded." Road commented. "What's… an ice cube doing in the desert?" Tyki asked. "Maybe one of them has a drink?" Road suggested. "I'm looking right at them. None of them have any kind of drink." Tyki said, lowering his binoculars. "Why are we doing this again?" Tyki asked. "The earl said that they are possible exorcists." Road responded. "You're making that up." Tyki stated. "You're right. I just want to beat up retarded kids." Road said plainly. "Oh well… let's tell the earl that we've found them and-" "He's already here." Road pointed to the fat –ahem- big man in front of him.

"Hello, Good evening." He greeted. "it's the middle of the afternoon." Tyki stated. "Well… yes. Okay. ATTACK MY AKUMA ARMY!!" The earl cried.

"Hey senpai? What's that?" Tobi asked, looking at the huge dust cloud in the distance. "Oh. It's probably a dust storm…" Deidara said lazily. He did not like being in the desert. Especially in a black, large, cloak in the middle of summer. "No… I think it looks like a fat man leading an army of machine-gun bearing fat people. With weird faces." Tobi said, his mask turning into a huge telescope. "Are there any other weird devices in that mask of yours?' Deidara asked. "Let's see…" Tobi started.

AN INSIDE LOOK OF TOBI'S MASK

TOBI: We have the candy machine (not working) Soda machine (Not working) TV, (never worked in the first place) and.. of course, the telemascope.

DEIDARA: That's TELESCOPE.

TOBI: That's what I said: TELEMASCOPE.

DEIDARA: Sigh I'm not talking to you anymore.

BACK TO THE STORY

"Prepare for battle!!" Deidara called. He readied his clay bombs. Hinata activated her Byakugan, etc. etc… Shniz got out presents…? Everyone gave him a strange look. "What? Why do you think I throw presents at people? That was a clue telling you what kind of Jutsu I use!" Shniz said. "So… what's in those boxes?" Deidara asked. "Weapons." Shniz stated. "SO… you're giving them… our weapons…? You're staying here." Deidara ordered.

"What do I do, senpai!?" Tobi asked, saluting. "Tobi, you run straight into battle, screaming 'HAZZAH!!' distracting them." He said. "Sounds like a plan! HAZZAH!!" Tobi yelled, running to battle. "Okay, while he's doing that, we watch from the sides." Hinata followed him.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"My god…" Deidara murmured. "What?" Hinata asked. "Tobi's winning…!" Deidara said. "Look!" He handed the binoculars to Hinata.

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?" Tobi yelled, slapping Tyki in the face multiple times.

"Hey! One of the big things is about to shoot him!" Hinata said. The Akuma fired its bullet and Tobi's mask deflected it. "Deidara… what exactly is Tobi's mask made of?" Hinata asked. "Umm… I think he said it was made out of just about every metal in the world. Why do you ask?" Deidara replied. "Well… he just blocked 15 bullets at point blank range… with his face." Hinata said. "So… he's going to… win…?" Deidara asked.

"He might, but you won't!" The Millennium Earl said, swooping down on an umbrella. "Who the hell are you!?" Deidara asked.

"I'm-"

"What The hell are you!?"

"I'm the-"

"YOU'RE THE FATTEST THING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH!!"

"Will you let me-"

'THAT LAST LINE YOU USED WAS LAAAAAAAME!!!"

"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH!?" The Millennium Earl yelled.

"Okay, okay, sorry."

"I AM THE MELLINNIUM EARL!! I WILL BRING THE END OF THE WORLD WITH MY AKUMA-"

"Will you Shut up! My god! It's hard to sound intimidating when you're that fat!" Deidara interrupted.

"Fat…? I'M NOT FAT!!" The Millennium earl said.

"Yes you are! See this belly!? It is filled with fattening foods- I should say all foods… cuz e just about anything has fat in it." Deidara pointed out.

"Well I'm-" The Millennium Earl started.

"No shut up. I've dealt with a lot of fatties before, and you are one of the fattest I've seen. Congratulations, you have made it to the top five most fattest people I've met. In the immortal words of Dr. Cox from Scrubs, 'You are what you eat, and clearly, you have devoured a big fat man.'" The Millennium earl's usually smiling face… cracked into a frown.

"Hey… He made the Earl frown…!" The Akuma discussed behind them.

The Earl laughed, and threw Deidara over into a nearby cliff. That wasn't there before. WTF!?

"THIS WAS MY FAVORITE CLOAK YOU FATASS!!" He yelled. The Earl flew over to finish the job. "I'm not FAAAT-" Deidara had punched a hole in his ridiculously huge mouth. "You leave your mouth wiiiide open man… Bad move." Deidara had a piece of clay in the Earl's mouth. "Here's a present."

"We… can talk this out-"

The Millennium Earl's head blew up. The Akuma behind them with gaping mouths. Deidara looked at them. 'YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!?" He threatened. The Akuma disappeared, leaving in the dust Tobi still punching Tyki. Well… head butting actually.

"Tobi! Stop it!" Deidara called. "No way man! This is my first victim! I'm savoring this moment!" Tobi said , still head butting Tyki. "I think… he's dead." Hinata said. "Actually I'm still aliv- Oh son of a bitch!" Tobi head butted him again, which knocked him out cold.

"Well… let's go." Deidara said. "Oh! Wait, where's that little girl we didn't kill?" Deidara asked. "Me?" Road asked, jumping out of the tree. "You know anything about the Boots of Hell?" He asked. "Oh, these things? You can have them. They don't do anything anyway." Road tossed the boots at Shniz. Road disappeared. And so did Shniz.

IN HELL

"Huh!?" He yelled.

"WELCOME TO HELL!!" Satan greeted.

"Uh… can I go back?" Shniz asked.

"What? Aren't you like… I dunno… dead or something?" Satan asked.

"Uh… no. The boots of Hell... took me here." Shniz said.

"Oh those things… well… okay." Satan said. "Oh, and when you see Itachi, tell him I'll be seeing him in about… 6 years." He added.

"Sure."

"And… my cousin wants to know, dinner on Sunday?" He asked.

"Yeah. See ya!" He waved and left.

IN THE REAL WORLD

"Shniz! How was it?" Deidara asked. "Meh, it was okay." Shniz replied. "Really? You're talking about hell here." Deidara said. "It's not as bad as you thought it would be, really. But then again, I wasn't dead. So I guess he couldn't do anything…" He replied simply.

"You know what Shniz? You're tough. I like that. I'm glad to have you as my new partner." Deidara said. Tobi growled. " Down Tobi!" Deidara said. "grrr…." Tobi murmured.

As the group was walking away, the Millennium Earl's headless corpse regenerated. "I can't believe they fell for that." He said. "Okay, time to wake up Tyki. Tyki?" The Earl poked him with his umbrella. "Tyki? Lord Tyki Mikk, I am ordering you to wake up!" The Earl said. No response. "This is bad."

WITH THE LEADER'S GROUP

Xemnas was searching for the leader in Antarctica. His nobodies were searching everywhere as well. "Dammit! Where are they!?" He growled.

IN HAWAII

"YAHOO!! I LOVE THE CROWN OF HEAVEN QUEST!!" The leader cheered. "Then you'll love what I'm about to tell you!" Flower-chan said. "Really? What?" The leader asked. "Masashi Kishimoto is planning to reveal us in the next chapter of Naruto!" She announced. "Seriously!? Awesome! So I can take off this shadow skin now!?" The leader said. "Uh huh!" Flower-chan said.

The leader pulled at the zipper at the back. "Oh Dammit all! Flower-chan, is the zipper in the back working?" The leader asked. "It's welded shut." Flower-chan stated. "What!? When did that happen!?" He yelled. "Probably when you were sitting next to the fireplace back at the hotel." Flower-chan figured. "Aw… Dammit!" The leader cursed.

Meanwhile, Hidan was tied up to a pole, watching the other three of his team enjoy themselves. "I said I was sorry!! Right!? Oh come on!!" He yelled.

Kakuzu was at the local casino, of course.


Look forward to Itachi's group in the next chapter!