The Love of a Lifetime
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and everything related belongs first and foremost to JK Rowling, and then to her partnerships with Scholastic, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros., etc.
Date Posted: 11/06/07
"Sirius," she said, kissing him squarely on the mouth. He returned the kiss for a long moment before actually showing signs of listening ("mmm" he said through her lips). She pulled away, a glint in her eyes and smiled widely. "Do you remember our first kiss?"
"Bloody hell, no!"
She giggled, "No teasing! Honestly..."
"Of course I remember," he said, his smile growing with every syllable; he kissed her again. "I planned it for a month."
"No you didn't," Lily said, laughing and leaning up to kiss him too.
"No, you're right. I didn't. But that's what made it so great."
"I agree."
A dark and cold December's eve, Lily pictured in her mind. A small blanket lining the floor of the Astronomy tower.
"You're late," Sirius had said when she pushed the door open. He didn't turn. He didn't worry that it might be someone else in the late evening coming to the tower. He knew it was her. He just knew.
"I haven't got that ridiculous cloak like you do," she said teasingly. "Every other corridor some Prefect or another had an issue that they had to talk to me about." She began to walk toward him, still talking to his back. When she reached him, she kneeled down beside him and cupped his shoulders in her hands. "Then I ran into Potter on the seventh floor and he tied me up for a bit."
"Now I know that's an excuse," he said, turning to look at her for the first time. "James knew you were on your way up here."
She gasped mockingly. "Why I wouldn't lie!"
"To me you would," he said, placing his arms around her waist and pulling her into his lap. "Everything you've ever told me has been a lie. Right down to..."
She smiled at him, pushing her forehead to his, staring straight into his light gray eyes and running her hand through his kept hair. "I couldn't lie to you. I'd never be able to live with hurting you."
He smiled at her honesty, placing his own hand against her cheek. "I know," he said after a slight pause. "I know you better than you know yourself, Lily Evans."
"I don't doubt that," she said, her smile growing as he held her ever closer to him. "You are quite an amazing person, Sirius Black."
"Oh really?" he said, catching her hand in his and tipping her backward playfully. "An amazing bloke, eh?"
She desperately reached for him, trying to bring her struggling hands to his solid and secure shoulders. "Like I said, Sirius...I never lie."
"Do I?" he asked rhetorically; she shook her head in response, smiling a small smile at him. "I love you, Lily."
She could feel her heart pounding and had lost complete control over her breathing; her eyes welled with tears of joy and with no effort she smiled brighter than she had all night. He loved her. After all the months of wondering if perhaps he felt something too...now she knew. And he had said it, simply and meaningfully.
"I love you, too."
His satisfaction in this reply came with the meeting of his lips to hers: the tight embrace as one heart bound to another, one soul to another. All seemed right in the world that moment their lips first met.
"There were fireworks that night," she said, more to herself than to Sirius.
He leaned down, pulling her into a kiss much the way their first one was, holding her tightly, feeling her love.
"And now?" he asked as he pulled away.
"They're still there." She smiled broadly, pulling him in for another kiss.
"Sirius?" Her whisper mirrored that of a few hours previously. He kissed her, not wanting to speak, wanting to hear her soft voice in the darkness. "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
Sirius threw a look to their bedside table, "Not to burst your bubble or anything, Lil, but work's not tomorrow." He motioned toward the clock that read 4 AM. "It's in three hours."
"Shame on you, keeping me up so late!" She said, patting his nose with her finger as though he had done something wrong.
He laughed, thrusting his arms around her waist and pulling her on top of him again: he kissed her neck. "You weren't complaining a little while ago."
She giggled, kissing him on the lips then tracing his face with kisses. "And I'm complaining now?" she asked innocently.
All in one motion Sirius picked her upward then turned himself on top of her. "No sleep for you tonight."
"Mmm," she said against his lips. "I think I'll live."
"You look chipper."
"Iam."
James Potter stared at her over the layout in front of him. "You're also late," he said, his eyes falling back to the parchment.
"So what if I am?" came her indignant reply.
"You got shagged last night." He said it so simply, so factually that Lily gaped. He studied her once more. "And judging by the look of you - and pardon my French - you got fucked a lot. Guessing Sirius is home a lot more, eh?"
"As a matter of fact he is," Lily said, wishing his eyes would stop studying her body; but the moment she wished it, his eyes fell back on the parchment. "With his promotion and all. Today's one of his few full days during the week."
"Why is that?" His tone seemed innocent.
"Well I suppose it's partially because it's been so quiet lately..."
"And what happens when the attacks build up again?"
"Then I'll gain peace knowing that Sirius is home safe with me!" she lashed back at him.
He laughed ruthlessly at her. "Come on, now, my question was serious."
"As was my answer," she snapped back. "He'll be home with me."
"Don't be naive," he said, still shifting work. "When they need someone to fight, they'll choose him. And he'll say yes."
"Why are you being so childish? You sound like Potter again."
"Well,Evans," he snipped back. "My name hasn't changed, has it?"
"Wellmine has! And it would do you a service to yourself to not forget that, Potter." She laughed - not a happy or content laugh but an overwhelmed-with-disbelief laugh. "After all these years and you're still jealous."
"Jealous?" he hissed back. "Jealous of what? You and Sirius? Hogwarts ended years ago, you may've forgotten."
"Tell that to yourself," she shot righteously back at him. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt then - you aren't jealous of Sirius and I, but then what? Possibly because you haven't been touched by a girl in three years."
"Shows what you know!" he laughed meanly back at her, she looked uneasily back at him.
"Who's to say I am not getting shagged every night?"
"By who? Exactly?"
"Say, Mary McDonald."
"You said you never dated her!" Lily said, shocked by the words from his mouth.
"Yes," he agreed. "We aren't dating. Don't plan on it, either."
"You're despicable."
"Who are you to judge my life, hmm? I didn't know I needed your approval before I fucked someone." His eyes were flashing in a way she had never seen them before. "And do I need to have you there to supervise? Make sure I'm not out of my rights, eh, Evans?"
"I am not going to tell you again!" she said, seizing the only way out of his retort: flashes of his body (or what she supposed it looked like) ran through her mind. "It's Black, Potter, not Evans."
"You will always be Evans to me," he said, his voice returning to it's normal calm. "Some things just never change."
And as he spoke this, different things on the mind of each young wizard, neither knew how true this would turn out to be. A few short-lived days with Sirius gave meaning to these words when one morning she awoke to find him gone.
The sky was clear, uncharacteristically so, for she had received the note that there had been attacks. Mass-killings of Muggles and wizards alike. She stared at the parchment for what seemed to be hours but the words never changed. Her heart knew that Sirius was okay but her mind was preoccupied with James' words.
They hadn't spoken since the incident at the Prophet, even when they worked together over the following three days. The time did not take away from the meaning; it did not undo the burns of hearing that laugh followed by that phrase - knowing that James was right.
Lily tried to get her mind off of James and began washing the dishes by hand. It was three times around the kitchen - all the utensils, plates, platters, bowls, pans - all the like - before Lily sat down to wait with her thoughts.
It had been marvelous, the past few days with Sirius. Waking up to the sound of his soft breathing, only to see him wake up and kiss her deeply. Lily owled out of work three days in a row to spend time with him. They went for morning walks, traveled Diagon Alley looking for nothing in particular and just reminisced about old days at school.
She threw a look at her watch again and saw that she was late to work. She sighed, folding the note from Sirius and placing it into her robes pocket and she headed toward the front door.
The Prophet was buzzing when she got there. Owls were flying every which way, delivering the news from office to office. Lily ducked as a Howler jetted past her head. She wasn't paying attention, her mind still preoccupied on where Sirius was and why he hadn't been home that night.
She didn't bother going into her office, choosing to go straight to the pressroom. James was waiting inside bent over the table as usual. He didn't look up when she entered.
"Here today?"
"Yes," was her quick response back. "How's it going?"
"Fairly well," he said quietly, moving over to allow her room. "I think I've got it about perfect."
"But you've only been here about ten minutes!"
"Not too bad," he said, holding a smirk off of his face.
He did not look up at her and for this she was grateful. It was only mere minutes before they sat down with the finished paper in front of them. The awkward silence grew and an almost astronomical rate before even a word was spoken - but this was to Rita Skeeter who was walking by, whispering to another Prophet writer.
"Done already?" came Amelia's voice from behind them, only moments after Rita avoided their hellos. "Well aren't you the perfect pair?"
James looked up at her and smiled politely. "We try our hardest."
Lily rolled her eyes but smiled as broadly as James. "James did most of the work."
"Lily taught me all the tricks," James said, giving a small wink to Lily.
"Perhaps I could borrow your brilliance in another department of the Prophet today?" Amelia asked, beckoning them along with her. "Bring the paper, we're going to start running early copies and start shipping them out."
They followed her silently deeper into the offices, some even Lily hadn't been in since she arrived at the Prophet. Amelia set them up, giving them instructions before pushing herself past them to yell at a disgruntled Stebbins.
"I'm sorry," James said before they even sat down to work. "I'm sorry for what I said the other day. I was just in a bad mood and I really didn't want to take it out on you."
"I may've added to that bad mood," Lily said quietly, sitting down next to him and setting up their work area. "I am sorry too."
"You have nothing to be sorry about!" he said sincerely, helping her move their supplies around the table. "And to make up for it you should allow me to buy you some coffee on our lunch break."
"Black coffee?"
"If you so desire."
"Hold the firewhiskey?"
"Aw, you're no fun!"
She threw him a smirk at which he gave his cheery laugh. The hours of work seemed to float by and lunch came upon them quickly. James led Lily out to the front doors of the Prophet. It was a moment before he realized she had stopped walking at the threshold.
"What?" he asked, turning to look toward her.
"Where on earth are you taking me for coffee?" She almost wondered aloud.
"The Leaky Cauldron," he said as though it were obvious, pulling her to the outskirts of the office.
"They have coffee at the Leaky Cauldron?"
"Ever since I got them a coffee machine, few years back," he said conversationally, holding her arm and Apparating alongside her.
"Why would you buy them a coffee maker?" she asked as they entered through the dark and hidden doorway.
"I spent a lot of time in Diagon Alley during the summers," he explained, leading her to a small table. "So for Christmas during sixth year I sent it with a note saying they'd better get ready for me for that summer."
"What did you do with all that time?" Amongst this conversing a waitress came for their orders and was preparing to bring back two large coffees. "Wander around the Alley way? Has got to get a bit daft after a while, hasn't it?"
"I mostly hung out at Quality Quidditch Supplies," he said, a reminiscent smile forming sweetly on his lips; even his eyes seemed to be seeing the old days. "Helped out the owner however I could. Just loved the atmosphere, you know? All the broomsticks and the kits, and robes and all the like!"
He sighed loudly and she smiled at him. "Must be nice to have that."
"Have what?"
"That passion. That... that devotion."
"Finding something--or someone--" he stared pointedly at her, "--to love is one of the greatest gifts in life. And the great thing is those passions don't always have to be the same."
He took a large sip of the black coffee. Lily was pouring mounds full of sugar and creamer into hers, lighting the color dramatically. She didn't say anything in response to his statement. She merely stared at him, hoping he wouldn't interrupt her racing mind.
In all of her time really understanding things - more so than a child, at any rate - she had never encountered someone with the finality James had. It was as if he just knew things. Things she could never argue: there would just be no point. Nothing would come from it; he was just right.
This quality about him scared her a little bit. It was intimidating at times, but at others, it was quite reassuring, making her feel some sense of security.
"What are you looking at?"
"Nothing, James. Just thinking."
Easily enough came an excuse to stare at him. Not to just take in his face, but to try to surpass the outer shell: to see into the heart that beats, the mind that thinks, the soul that feels. She wondered if he had always been so intelligent.
She knew he had to have been. He was top in their year, smarter than any other Gryffindor in their year throughout all his schooling...
"I think we'd better go," he said, standing up, leaving money on the plate as he went. He smiled at her giving her a hand out of her seat
"You were always very good a Quidditch." That sounded as stupid aloud as it did in her head, she was sure of it the moment her mouth formed the last syllable.
"Thank you," he said kindly, "wasn't sure you'd noticed." He led her back into the street and they Apparated back to the Prophet's front doors.
"You showed off back then."
"Not always."
"A lot of the times," she corrected.
"Not always," he repeated, leading her back into the lift and pushing the button to go upward. "I only showed off to get your attention."
"And then you stopped trying to get my attention?" She asked as if she was a bystander in their relationship; like she had not been there to live through his escapades for attention.
"I stopped trying to get your attention," he said simply, leading her once more out of the lift and into their work area, "when you started trying to get Sirius'."
He didn't seem phased by his own remark; his face stayed solid, though his eyes were light. She knew at one point this was difficult for him, but that the pain, what little of it was left was subsiding.
Silence still hung in the air. What could she say at this point to erase the past? To undo a broken heart of a young, love-struck boy who wasn't even given a chance? There was nothing justifiable about it. Part of her knew that she needn't justify the decisions of a seventeen-year-old girl.
The other part of her would've never shot down the man that was standing in front of her now.
"I am sorry," he said, sitting down at the table, pulling the supplies toward them again. "I should've have said that."
"Oh, honestly..."
But her voice trailed off. Nothing that she could possibly have said could've come after a proclamation of honesty. He didn't look at her and she wondered why. Her mind was so preoccupied with staring at him that she almost knocked over half of the work they had completed. She had to muster all the strength she could to tear her eyes away from his own.
"Any plans for tonight?" he asked, overcoming the awkwardness of their pause.
"Staying in," she said quietly. "Waiting to see if Sirius is going to come home tonight."
For a second he looked as though he'd wished he'd have not asked, but this momentarily lapse ended with a broad grin.
"No, you're going to hang around with me tonight."
"Honestly--"
"C'mon! Be spontaneous for once," he said; she could tell he was trying to challenge her. "Do something outrageous! Who makes plans anyway?"
"We can't just go somewhere!"
"Why not?"
"Because we just can't."
"That's no excuse. Why did they even put you in Gryffindor, you wimp?" he said, playfully grinning at her.
Her eyes narrowed but her could not resist a smile. "It's got nothing to do with--"
"What do you want to do tonight, Ms Lily?"
"I don't know, I just--"
"Wrong answer, one mark off already! Try again. I'll give you two more chances!"
She laughed, "Is everything a game with you?"
"Is everything meant to be serious all the time?"
"No, but you're not just a seventeen year old kid who can just--"
"No, you're right," he said kindly, his eyes growing brighter. "I am not a seventeen year old kid! But I'm not dead, either. And until I am, I plan on having as much fun as I can."
She looked up at him, convinced at his words, at his logic. She knew she wanted to do something and not sit at home alone thinking endlessly about the man she loved but never saw.
"All right," she agreed, standing up and throwing her bag over her shoulder.
He looked up at her upon seeing her purse fly in the air. "Where are you going?"
"To do something spontaneously!" she exclaimed as if it were obvious.
He laughed standing up with her. "Are you telling Amelia?"
"Maybe if I ran into her," she said, leading him to the lift.
"I think I'm a bad influence," James said, giving her a broad grin.
"Just because you're alive doesn't mean you're truly living, eh, James?"
They shared a smile as they left the front doors of the Prophet. Six hours later, Lily and James returned back to her flat having visited Hogwarts, returned to Diagon Alley, traveled to Hogsmeade, toured the Shrieking Shack and had tea with a few old school teachers. Exhausted but satisfied with the long day, Lily led James into the living room.
"What do you want to do now?"
"What do you want to do now?" he shot back, sitting down on the sofa. "This is your free day. What are some of the things you truly enjoy doing?" He looked around the room as if the answer was hidden somewhere. He opened his mouth as though he had discovered something. "If I recall correctly, during our sixth year you became fascinated by old black and white films, did you not?"
She felt as though she had been knocked backward by something large and heavy. "Y-yes," she stuttered out, not turning to look at him. How the years did not seem to phase James' memory.
"That still holding up?" he inquired. "Because I'd love to see one. Perhaps there's something about them I might enjoy."
"All right," she said, smiling, shuffling through the cabinets to look for a film. She kept throwing looks over her shoulder at him as if expecting him to turn into Sirius. She was sure Sirius was the only person who knew her to that detail.
"What is it?"
"Nothing really." She gave a long pause pulling out the film she was looking for, "I just didn't think you'd remember that, to be honest."
"You'd be surprised what some people are capable of."
She sat down next to him, trying hard to keep her eyes and mind focused on the movie that was playing. In her mind, however, James was much more interesting than any kind of film; with all his surprises and all his personality.
"Why don't you date?" she asked before she had the chance to hold it in.
"What?" he asked, still looking at the television.
"Nothing."
He turned from the television, making her unable to hide the tracks she had formed with a simple question. "Honestly, what did you ask?"
"I was just asking about dating," she said quietly. "Wondering why you haven't..."
"Why I haven't gotten a girlfriend?" he finished, turning his attention fully to her now. "I doubt I'll ever have a girlfriend again. At least for a long while?"
Her jaw dropped. "James! Why?"
"Not in times like these," he said seriously. "Can't get involved with someone new; you'd never know if they were... well, you know."
She nodded. "You don't have to date a witch though."
"You're right, I don't. But I want to." He paused thoughtfully, the film forgotten by both of them. "My love is this world. I have always been here and will always be here. That's not like you, though, Lily. Being Muggleborn and all. You've known the Muggle world for so long that Hogwarts was your get away." He looked straight into her eyes. "Does that make sense?"
"Yes, of course," she said quietly, turning her eyes back toward the screen. "It's a shame you don't date."
"It's a shame I can't trust anyone enough to date them," he corrected, turning his attention back to the screen.
The film became the main topic of interest for the rest of the night that James was there for. He left relatively early in hopes to avoid a possible confrontation with Sirius, who was probably so overtired from work that he would just snap in two. Lily let James out, making promising of seeing him the next day and decided to head to bed.
And for some reason, waking up without Sirius the next morning didn't hurt as much as before.
