Chapter 7: Crumble to the Sea
This wasn't the first time that Matthew had ever been so ill. On two other occasions his life seemed to be on a tipping scale with no certainty whether he would survive or not. But every time, Matthew had pulled through. He had to, for the sake of his family. This time however, Matthew wasn't so sure if he was going to make it. His kidneys were finally failing. Soon, he would need to start dialysis and wait for a transplant. But both of those options, though they would keep him alive, would be very hard on his weakened body.
Still, Matthew wouldn't give up, because now he had another reason to fight and that reason was Lars.
The last week had been hard for Matthew, but Lars had been there for him every day and Matthew was grateful for that. Throughout the week, Lars grew even closer to him. Lars had let his concern be known as he tried to make Matthew comfortable and happy. Matthew would always be grateful for that.
There was no doubt in Matthew's mind that they were friends now. In a small, twisted way, Matthew was almost grateful he became so ill. It was painful, exhausting, and he knew how hard it was for those around him. But it meant he could still see Lars, grow close to Lars. Finally, Lars seemed less guarded. Matthew thought how he'd faithfully sat by his side like always, didn't push Matthew to speak, but offered what help he could by just being there. Lars had given him support when he couldn't support himself. Lars had held his hand was he was in so much pain that he couldn't hide it.
Through the struggle, Matthew and Lars had grown a bond that couldn't have formed any other way. There was a silent understanding and Matthew knew he could trust Lars as well as he trusted his own family.
That's what made Matthew see the silver lining in his failing health.
It was also why Matthew had to live, now more than ever.
Something warm touched Matthew's face in his thoughtful doze. With several blinks, Matthew forced himself fully awake to find his family surrounding him. Papa was caressing his cheek, Dad was straightening his blanket, and Al was sitting at the foot of his bed.
"Hello," Matthew greeted warmly. His voice was soft, but the family had been quiet and careful around him lately so it was no problem.
"How are you feeling today cherie?" Papa asked gently.
"I'm feeling alright," Matthew answered. It was the routine for them: Matthew would lie about how he was feeling and his parents would hear how he was actually doing from his doctor. The routine was never mentioned aloud or acknowledged.
"Glad you're feeling alright," Dad responded with a smile, placing a hand over his son's.
With Matthew's health being so low, his family was always very positive and offered their quiet, loving support. He could see how strained their smiles were, how tired their posture, and how stressed behind their eyes. It was another thing that was never mentioned.
"There's something we need to discuss with you," Papa started hesitantly.
"We understand it's a sensitive issue, but it's important that you hear us out," Dad finished for him.
Hesitantly Matthew glanced between the two, for any hints as to what this serious topic could be. The faces of his parents were serious and stern. Matthew glanced at Alfred, whose face was always an open book, but he looked away guiltily.
"What is it?" Matthew asked with concern.
"It's about Lars," Arthur stated hesitantly, after sharing a long look with his husband.
Instantly, Matthew's temper flared. He pulled back his hand from his father's grip and pushed Papa's caresses aside. Now, of all times, they were going to gang up against Lars? Matthew understood exactly what was going to go down in this conversation and he didn't want to have it. After all that Lars had done for him, were they still going to be so disapproving?
No, Matthew would not put up with that. He wouldn't let them treat his friend that way.
"Now, listen to us Mathieu," Papa began. "We just don't want you to be hurt."
He opened his mouth to argue- what reason did they have to believe that Lars was going to hurt him?- but he was stopped short by his father, who was gesturing to the door. The whole family turned to see that Lars himself was standing outside the room.
"Fine, we'll have Lars himself tell you about the hours," Arthur stated diplomatically, as if that was somehow a compromise.
"What-" Matthew tried to ask, but his voice is too soft.
Before he could finish, Lars was practically dragged into the room. He looked around the full hospital bed with a disgruntled expression. Matthew felt his face heat up with embarrassment at his family's rudeness. Lars never came on Saturdays, because that was when the family visited, so Matthew was surprised to see him.
"If I'm interrupting, I can leave," Lars stated.
Once again, Matthew was beaten in the race to answer. He wanted to tell Lars he was free to stay or leave; whichever he felt comfortable with.
"No, no stay," Arthur insisted. "There's something we would like you to clarify, about your hours."
Immediately, Lars's eyes widened in shock. His gaze searched the room until he met Matthew's. He blinked rapidly, clearly anxious and uncomfortable, still standing at the edge of the room. Matthew knew that Lars preferred to stay private about his personal life and that had never bothered Matthew. If it wasn't something that he was comfortable sharing, then why should he? Matthew had kept things from Lars, particularly about the root of his health problems.
"I-," Lars began, glancing nervously at Francis and Arthur. They watched him with fierce, disapproving expressions. With a defeated sigh, Lars closed his eyes to collect himself and turned back to the hospital patient. "Matthew, I-"
But Matthew held up a hand to stop him. Everything was happening too fast and he didn't understand the situation at all. Whatever it was that his parents were trying to accomplish was making both Lars and himself uncomfortable.
"It's okay Lars," Matthew said finally. "You don't need to tell me anything."
Immediately Arthur protested with a cry, "Matthew you need to hear this. Lars has been keeping very important things from you!"
To the surprise of everyone, Matthew cried back. "And I've been keeping important things from him too!"
The effort of his outburst sent Matthew into a wheezing fit. For several tense minutes, he coughed weakly, curling up into himself. His hands held onto Francis for support as his slim frame shook with each breath. The coughing died and left Matthew gasping for breath. The whole room had sobered and the occupants watched Matthew with quiet concern. Finally, his breathing evened out. Nobody was brave enough to break the silence first.
"Are you okay Mathieu?" Francis asked softly. "Do you want me to call the nurse?"
Matthew took a long breath before shaking his head. He was fine and didn't want to make a big fuss. Having attacks like that were always frightening for him, when all he could feel was the burn in his lungs and the sensation that he would never stop the coughing. It left him trembling and with a reminder that he was virtually helpless.
"Um, maybe we should let Matthew and Lars talk by themselves," Alfred suggest hesitantly.
He gave his twin an encouraging smile. Matthew returned it with a grateful nod. Reluctantly, Arthur and Francis agreed, deciding that for the sake of Matthew's health, they would leave and let the two sort out things on their own. During the exchange Lars stayed in his place, offering no input but watching the scene carefully.
It wasn't until the three other members of the Bonnefoy-Kirkland family filed out of the room that Lars came forward. He sat down, still looking surprisingly concerned and hesitant. If Matthew had to guess, he would say Lars was nervous. He'd never seen him to tense before.
"Lars, it's okay," Matthew said in comfort. "I don't know what my parents are so worked up about, but you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
Lars blinked and broke himself from his thoughts. "No," he stated. "I mean, I came here to tell you something."
"Oh," Matthew replied. That was unexpected.
"I just didn't want to tell you while your family was here," Lars continued. His voice was careful and face very serious. He paused in his words, mouth opening before closing again, as he debated internally.
To spare him, Matthew raised a thin hand. "Before you say, whatever it is, I'd like to return the favor," he offered softly. Lars's head began to shake, but Matthew continued before he could protest. There were secrets he wanted to get off his chest as well. That's what came with friendship, after all. Then, after Lars said what he came to say, his family could come back in and they'd sort out this whole misunderstanding.
"I want to tell you why I'm in the hospital," Matthew stated firmly.
With a blink of surprise, Lars shut his mouth and stared, waiting for Matthew to continue.
"When I was little, I contracted a disease called Wegener's Granulomatosis," he explained. Clearly, Lars was unfamiliar with the condition and continued to stare blankly. "It's… complicated," Matthew continued. "I survived the original infection but, ah, I'm still suffering from the effects of it."
"The effects?" Lars questioned.
Matthew's mind scrambled to find the right words to explain. It happened when he was so young and he'd had so many more trips to the hospital. His memories were a confused mess of pain and the fearful faces of his parents and the IV dripping into his arm and being so tired.
"Granulomatosis, it causes inflammation of blood vessels," Matthew described. "The particular type I had attacked my joints, kidneys, and lungs. The only way to counter the infection was to pump me full of immunosuppressants."
While Matthew spoke, Lars kept a careful eye on him. His face was devoid of expression as he processed the explanations.
"Obviously, I was able to overcome the Granulomatosis, but it left me in a poor state. My immune system is shot, making any little infection life threatening. My kidneys are failing, my lungs will never work at an average capacity again, and I have arthritis in my joints," Matthew finished.
"I'm sorry," Lars said quietly.
This was why Matthew had been slow to tell his story. It always made people feel sorry for him. Or made them sad. Or made them worry. Or all of the above. But Lars needed to know; he needed to understand that Matthew wasn't expected to live a long, fulfilling life.
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault that I've spent my life in a hospital," Matthew responded, but his voice sounded more bitter than he'd expected. Suddenly Matthew was upset. He didn't understand why, why now when he'd always been resigned to his lot in life.
He dragged himself out of his confused, angry daze and looked to Lars. His guest was eying him with a brow raised.
"I'm sorry," Matthew muttered. "I just wanted you to know. Since we're friends."
It was concerning that Lars seemed to stiffen at the words.
"I've been visiting you because I have 100 community service hours to fulfill at this hospital," Lars stated flatly. "That was my sentence."
Matthew nearly jumped at the suddenness of the words and watched Lars with a look of complete bafflement. "I- I don't understand," he asked, his voice high with concern.
"I was caught in possession of marijuana," Lars explained. His expression was hard and he sat with stiff posture. "My sentence was 100 hours community service. I've fulfilled nearly all of them while visiting you."
Matthew blinked rapidly, trying to process the words. "I- I didn't know-" But he didn't finish before Lars was speaking again.
"I was lucky," Lars said harshly, with anger that probably wasn't directed at Matthew, but that Matthew felt nonetheless. He was leaning forward in his seat, completely absorbed in his own narrative. "I was given hours rather than jail time. It was only marijuana I was caught with. I wasn't on the job."
"Job?" Matthew breathed. His whole body was trembling; the shock from the revelation was too much for his body to take. A whole new side to Lars was showing itself to Matthew and it frightened him.
"My crew, we worked the black market. After all, I've always had a head for business," Lars enlightened with a bitter voice. "Sometimes it included drugs, sometimes not. Didn't matter. We did whatever could make money."
"Oh," was all Matthew could manage. His head was swimming, everything felt wrong and detached. "The drugs- are they- do you-?"
Suddenly, Lars leaned back in his chair and smiled sadly. His whole demeanor had suddenly shifted from harsh to something Matthew was more familiar with. While running a hand through his hair Lars answered.
"Do I use drugs?" he supplied. "Yes. Addiction's a bitch."
With a hard swallow, Matthew nodded, trying to calm his nerves. Abruptly, Lars stood up.
"That's all I wanted to tell you," he stated. Softly, he added, "I'm sorry, Matthew."
Then before Matthew could say anything Lars was gone and his parents were at his side, murmuring apologies and offering condolences. But Matthew could only feel the air rushing in and out of his lungs. Lars. It was too much, he couldn't understand, he couldn't breathe. Everything he knew was wrong and Matthew didn't feel connected to his own body anymore. There was scrambling and the nurses were called and Matthew was hyperventilating and trembling uncontrollably. But Lars- He could feel something being held over his face, accompanied with a flow of sweet air. But Matthew's brain was shutting itself down, needing a reprieve from the madness. Because Lars-
There was only one thought running through his mind, over and over.
Lars. Lars. Lars.
Lars.
AN: THERE YOU HAVE IT. The cat's out of the bag, all the cards are on the table, the beans have been spilled, the secret's out!
Hope it wasn't too surprising or too predictable (it's hard to build up to a big reveal). So yah, Matthew's condition is legit serious. Not pretty stuff my friends. Also, Lars is a delinquent. But you already knew that- he's been saying so since chapter 2.
Has anyone figured out the song that the title and the chapter names are taken from yet?
Aaaaaah, this chapter was a bitch to write. Let me know what you think my lovelies! Hope you enjoyed it.
Thanks for you for your unending support! There are 4 more chapters to go, but during the month of November I will be participating in NANOWRIMO. So, my main priority will be that, but I'll still work on TOLWS when I can.
Love,
Allie
