Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters. Thanks to CrystalRaindrop007 for Beta'ing!
I want Ichigo here with me and the kids, and I want Raye back. I want to be a mother to my baby girl. And ... Happy birthday, Ichigo.
Whispers In Your Heart - VII
December 25th, 2006 - 12:32 PM
Ichigo watched Michio and Raye as they played around. It was Christmas Day , and even though they had gotten lots of gifts, they were having more fun with the wrapping paper than the toys. Like most babies did, he guessed. They were growing so fast, though. Their birthday, four days ago, had seemed to pass in a blur. They were two now, no longer babies, really. They were toddlers, they were walking, talking - but not much yet, which was strange. They were growing so fast.
Rukia noticed the thoughtful look on Ichigo's face as he watched the babies, so she walked over and wrapped her arms around him from behind, smiling when he turned around in the embrace and looked into her eyes. She asked,
"What's wrong, Ichigo?"
"Nothing. I'm just thinking" he said, kissing her on the forehead.
"Thinking about what?"
"Michio and Raye. They're growing so fast."
"I know it. I can't believe they turned two a few days ago," Rukia said, sighing deeply. She smiled as Raye squeaked and fell onto her diapered butt as she began to run away from Michio, who was chasing after her with a ribbon. "But I still remember when I was wishing they would sleep through the night; they were so tiny then."
"Ha. They're still tiny. Raye's hand is so small ... when I put it in mine ... " Ichigo smiled as Raye hit into his leg. She fell onto her butt again and blinked up at him, as if not sure what had happened, then her small face scrunched up and she began crying. He reached down to pick her up and Michio, wanting attention, too, ran up to Rukia and said,
"Mama! Pickie uppie!"
She laughed and picked him into her arms. Michio plated a sloppy kiss in Rukia's cheek before settling happily into her arms.
Soon, both children were asleep, worn out from a happy day filled with laughter and gifts. When Rukia had laid them down in their cribs, Ichigo walked in and smiled at her and them both.
"Ichigo ... " Rukia started, frowning a little as she bit her lip; she wrapped her arms around herself as she stared at the children. "Promise ... promise you'll never leave me?"
"Rukia, what's wrong?" Ichigo asked, walking over and putting a hand on her shoulder. She turned around to face him. He could see tears in her eyes as he pulled her small frame to him.
"Please, never leave me, Ichigo."
"I promise, Rukia. I'll always be here," he said, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply of her scent. "What brought this on? You know I'll always be here."
"Last ... last night I had a dream that you died and ... and ... "
Ichigo stopped her speaking by pressing two fingers gently to her lips.
"Shh, Rukia. I'll be here, don't worry. If there is anything in the world I can do to be here, I will."
July 15th, 2009 - 9:26 PM
Rukia sighed as she sat down on her bed. She had just gotten Michio to sleep, after he had spent a whole day with Renji, who got him so hyper that he couldn't stop speaking of even stop running in circles. Breathing in deeply, she leaned back against her bed, trying to ignore the callendar above her head. She didn't want to think about what day it was. Not now, when she was so emotionally drained. Not now ...
But the two numbers glared back at her and she sighed, closing her eyes as she dropped her head into her hands.
July 15th ... It was Ichigo's birthday.
This was the third birthday that had gone by - he had died in June, so they had only been alone for two years, however.
Holding back tears, Rukia opened her journal and began to write with shaky hands. She had been able to force the date out of her mind all day, but at night when she was alone and wanted Ichigo with her more than anything, without the daily distractions of life bugging her ... it seemed so much more real to her.
Today is Ichigo's birthday. I left Michio with Renji because I wanted to be alone. Last year, I didn't have a chance to be alone. But today I was; after quickly shopping, I dropped Anyame off with Renji, too, saying I wanted to be alone.
After that ... I went and sat in the little place we had called our own. It's a beautiful place, and I've never brought anyone there before. The river runs through so closely and the trees above me shield me from the sun. Today, the wind was gentle and it was blowing my hair around. I want to being Michio there, to show him the place that his dad used to love so much.
Rukia smiled as she looked over at the sleeping boy across the room. He was so small ... but he was so smart for a child his age.
When Michio asked me about loving Renji today, I was surprised. I didn't know how to answer ... and to a child! But I told him the truth; I think I might love Renji but never, ever, will I be able to love him like I loved Ichigo. Like I love Ichigo. But ... I don't know if I can love him, after seeing the look in Michio's eyes as he begged me not to love him ... as he begged me to love a man who is gone forever.
I saw pain in his eyes. He's so small, yet to know that he can feel that kind of pain ... it hurts me, too. I want Ichigo to come back and be a father to Michio. I think he's alive. I can almost feel him if I try hard enough. Not his Reiatsu, but him. I asked Renji again about Ichigo today, and he just brushed me off. But I saw something in his eyes.
Something's wrong. Renji isn't telling me something, I know it.
I want Ichigo here with me and the kids, and I want Raye back. I want to be a mother to my baby girl.
And ... Happy birthday, Ichigo.
Rukia stopped writing when she realized how badly her hands were shaking and when she noticed the tear droplets on the paper. Smiling sadly, she closed the journal and climbed into her bed, curling up in the quilt. It felt so cold, without him there, and without Raye. When Raye would have a nightmare, she used to curl up between them and they would all, for Michio hated missing out on the attention, fall asleep together.
Sighing, Rukia laid her head on the pillow and fell to sleep.
"Moooommy!"
Rukia slowly opened her eyes to see Michio sitting above her, grinning happily. He was bouncing up and down, making the bed creak. And as she opened her eyes further, she saw Anyame sitting at the end of the bed, trying to bite Rukia's toes through the blanket. Rukia laughed sleepily and sat up reaching down and picking Anyame into her arms. Even at a year and a half, she was tiny.
"Hey guys. What's up?"
She rubbed her eyes and smiled a little as she watched Michio. The little boy had finally sat down and was reaching for Anyame as she tried to climb out of Rukia's arms and into his lap. He giggled and hugged her.
"Guess what, Mommy?" Michio asked. Rukia ruffled his hair as she got out of bed.
"What?"
"I seed Raye in my dream again!"
"Oh, really?"
Rukia felt a stab of pain in her heart. Why was Michio dreaming of Raye? Why ... no, how had his mind put together an older version of her that he was constantly dreaming of? When Michio spoke again, and Anyame chirped in, she was broken from her thoughts.
"She told me that she likes Cookies 'n' Cream!"
"Cookie!" Anyame said, bouncing around on the bed. Michio frowned and reached out, grabbing his little sister's pajamas and holding her still; she was close to the edge. Rukia smiled at this; he was so protective of her.
"Cookies 'n' Cream, huh?"
"Yep. That's what she said. She makes me all confuzzled."
Rukia smiled fondly as she walked over and dropped back down on the bed, her head coming to rest in her hands as she smiled at Michio. He asked, "Mommy, why are you so happy?"
"Because of you and Anyame, baby."
Michio pouted. The look on his face was priceless as he said,
"I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy."
"OK, then, "Big Boy", why don't we go make something for breakfast? Mommy is hungry."
"Me, too! Me, too!" Michio said, jumping up and down. Rukia smiled and quickly shooed the kids out before changing into a light purple sweater and a khaki skirt. She didn't like to dress in her Shinigami outfit around the kids; it sometimes scares Anyame as she usually had her Zanpaktou. After changing, Rukia walked out to see Michio leading Anyame into the kitchen, holding her hand. Renji was leaning against the wall, smirking, as he watched them.
"He sure does watch out for her, doesn't he?" he asked. Rukia nodded.
"Yeah. A few days ago, he was so happy in announcing that he was going to protect her." She smiled and sighed. "He's so much like Ichigo. I just hope he doesn't go doing hair-brained things like his father, too."
Renji nodded. "Ah."
Rukia walked off into the kitchen and lifted Michio onto her shoulders. He squeaked happily and Anyame protested, jumping up and down in front of Rukia, chirping, "Ma mama! Me, me!" She was so adorable. Her black hair was bouncing in the tiny pigtails they had been put up in, and she was still dressed in a pair of tiny, pink pajamas. Renji smiled and shook his head, turning away and walking out of the room.
He walked into Rukia's room when he saw that Michio had left on his blinking night-light, and as he reached down to turn it off, his eyes caught sight of a small, brown book lying under Rukia's bed. He walked over and took it into his hands, opening it to the first page. There was taped a picture of Rukia, Ichigo, Michio and Raye, and Renji knew that it was immediately. It was a journal. He should have put it down right then and there, but his fingers moved on their own as he opened it to the first page.
June 7th, 2007
Captain Unohana gave this to me as a pregnancy journal ... I'm pregnant again! I didn't know what to think at first, but now, I'm so happy. Raye and Michio will have another baby brother or sister and Ichigo will be so surprised. I can't wait to tell him. I hope he's OK with this. I want him to be, because I want him to love this child as much as I do already.
Renji glanced back at the date at the top of the journal; it was the day before Ichigo 'died'. He flipped to the next page. He wanted to know how Rukia had felt about what they had done by telling her that lie that had changed her life.
June 10th, 2007
Ichigo ... he's gone. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. He told me he would never leave me alone. I love him so, so much ... what am I going to do? And my baby girl ... they're both gone.
Renji's heart clenched as he read the words. He noticed that the whole page was worn in places; teardrops, shed and dried. As he quickly flipped through the pages, not pausing to read the words, he noticed that a lot of them were tearstained. He also noticed there was a huge time-skip. There were no entries after June 10th, 2007; the soonest after that was January 2nd, 2008. The day that Anyame was born.
January 2nd, 2008
I want Ichigo here. As I gave birth to our daughter today, I screamed his name in the pain. I wanted it to be him here with me, holding my hand, like he did when the twins were born, instead of Renji. I know he means well, and I know ... I thank him for being there with me when no one would or could, but I still want Ichigo back. I want him to see his baby girl. I named her Anyame Raye Kurosaki. I named her after her sister because I know that Raye would have liked that. I wish Raye could be here to hold her baby sister. When I placed the tiny baby in Michio's arms, his eyes were glowing so happily. He said,
"I wants to protect her and you, mommy!"
It was so cute. I love him so much. He's so much like Ichigo, too. Every time I look in his eyes, I feel sad, because he reminds me so much of his father. And I feel bad about it. When a mother looks into the eyes of her son, whom she loves so much, she shouldn't feel sad; she should feel happy and proud.
I have to push on, because now I don't only have Michio to raise and give the best life I can, I have Anyame, too.
I love them both.
I love you, Ichigo.
Renji closed the journal. If he read more, he would only be reading the same thing: pain. Pain of not having a husband, pain of losing a daughter and pain of having to live on. He had never known ... that it had hurt her so bad. But almost every single page in the journal was wrinkled where tears had landed and dried. She cried every time she wrote in her journal.
Putting it back in its place, he walked out into the kitchen again to see Rukia holding Anyame up to the counter as she happily poked the pancake that had just finished cooking. He laughed quietly; only a girl of Ichigo and Rukia could have fun in poking a pancake.
Rukia looked up at him and smiled, a glow in her eyes that he hadn't seen in quite a while.
It was because of her children, he knew, not him. It was because of her baby girl and her little boy that that glow had returned.
Michio ran up to Renji and took his hand, saying, "Uncle Renji, come quick! The pancake is moving!"
Renji laughed as he allowed Michio to haul him into the kitchen.
He knew that Rukia could never love him like she had loved Ichigo, she might not be able to love him at all, but ... he could love her from a distance and take care of her like he had promised Ichigo.
Because he was her friend.
Hmm ... well, I think Renji finally got it through his thick skull that I'm not making this RenRuk. : D RenRuk friendship, yes, but not relationship.
I think. (Evil laugh)
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