Melody was silent for a while and Jimmy was starting to worry, about what he didn't know, but he was worried. Finally he couldn't take the silence anymore which was saying a lot for a quiet man as he was.

"So, what are we going to do about Borje?"

Mel furrowed her brow at him and at first he thought she was upset or thought he was making light of a very serious situation but then she started to giggle and then to outright laugh and pretty soon there were tears running down her red face and for the first time in days, her tears weren't sadness and he didn't feel guilty about causing them. When she finally regained her composure, she did answer him.

"Jimmy that was the best job of breaking the ice that I have ever seen. Thank you. I needed that. Um, Borje is in the barn, or was when I left the house. I let him out this morning and he already brought me half a mouse."

"Great, the cat doesn't think I can provide for you. That makes a man feel confident."

By this point the two were laying on the blanket staring up at the clouds as they slowly drifted by and Melody moved to rest her head on Jimmy's chest.

"Mel, is it wrong to wish that our whole life could be this?"

"No, I know that's what I wish. But we're here for a reason and it isn't to talk about the cat or his belief that I would live better on mice. But I think you know what my first question has to be."

"I do. I don't really know where to start."

"You said you killed a man in cold blood. Just one?"

"Yes, I know I was accomplice to others and there were accidents but I took one and only one life that there was no cause to take and that I did have the power to stop."

"How old were you?"

"Maybe sixteen, I guess."

"You were just a child!"

"Mel, you were the one who told me that things are different here than back east. I just left a child, by your definition, in charge of our town."

"I know; I still forget how quickly children have to grow up here. How soon boys are expected to be men. So you were sixteen, where were you living?"

"I had been taken in by a judge so I guess I was living pretty well. He gave me my first gun. I have since told the tale that this was my first," he indicated the gun on his left hip, "And some of my friends know about how I came to have the matched set. But the first gun he gave me wasn't this fancy. It was to test me, to see if I was loyal. No one else knew. He sent me out to kill a man, told me awful things about him but I learned after I took that man's life that he was nothing but a business rival I had conveniently taken out of the way."

Jimmy had sat up and was facing away from Melody. His voice sounded dead.

"I'm sorry. I guess I don't understand how you are still walking free."

"I shouldn't be. The judge gave me an envelope to leave at the scene and make sure the man's gun was in his hand. I found out later that in the envelope was a note made to look like a suicide note. The widow screamed that her husband wouldn't take his own life and that the handwriting wasn't his but there was no investigation. They had two small children, Mel."

Jimmy violently rocked forward on his knees and emptied his stomach on the grass. He hadn't eaten any of the lunch, Mel had packed because he knew this might be his reaction but there was still something to come out and his stomach seemed to turn inside out.

"Jimmy, he used you. You really were just a boy and you were hurt and angry. You had been sent so many mixed messages your whole life and this man was a judge, how could you think that he wasn't being honest with you?"

"Because he wasn't the first person to use me like that. And sixteen is old enough to learn from your mistakes."

"I don't understand."

Jimmy went on to tell her of his time with Dobbins and the horrible things that had gone on there, including how he had been a part of the murder of an innocent husband and father. He wept openly. He had spoken of Dobbins to only one other person, Jesse and he hadn't allowed Jesse to see him cry and he had never spoken of that one errand for the judge. The other riders had known some things but even they didn't know what he was asked to do for the gun he now carried, how he was supposed to kill a man like a brother to him or let himself be killed. But now that the floodgates were opened, Melody—dear sweet Melody—was hearing everything. How he had kept the second gun under his mattress for so long after Brad's death. He told of how he still wondered if Brad had been telling the truth when he said he was aiming away from him. He went on to tell of the woman in Benton and how he'd fallen so completely apart that he became, for one dark day the sheriff of Regrets. He spilled every secret he had held, how his father spoke so compassionately about the rights of black men to not be owned by others and yet beat his mother. He told her of the people he loved in his life and how so many were dead now. He told her of Alice who showed him a way of living without violence or guns but how his violent past threatened her world and he'd had to leave. The times the rest of the riders had stuck their necks out for him and come back wounded for their troubles. How a man had even pretended to be him and robbed banks and killed people making his reputation worse with him not even doing anything. And finally, he spoke of Rosemary. He had wanted her so badly in every sense. There were so many who wanted her dead but in the end, she died from being too close to him when a man came seeking revenge. If she had died for her cause at least he would have felt some peace that it was what she wanted. But there was no comfort in her dying that he at last had talked himself out, he was sitting a few feet from Melody, his back to her resting his head on the trunk of a young tree. He no longer had the strength to hold his own head up though with all he had just told Mel, he doubted he'd ever need to again. He closed his eyes and just hugged the tree trunk as if it would defend him, as if he deserved defending, which he did not.

He sat that way for a while. He was exhausted and Melody wasn't saying anything. In his head, he tried to find the joy that had existed in his world only an hour or so before. He tried to think of the kitten with the funny name or that nice kid that worked for him. As he struggled to find anything good, anything that was still there for him now, he felt a touch. Another time and place and he would have already had his gun drawn but he really didn't care anymore. The touch was light upon his shoulder and then there was the unmistakable feel of lips pressed to his temple and then light breath and words in his ear, softly whispered.

"You are no killer. You are not a murderer."

He relaxed and allowed himself, just for the moment to believe those words, those beautiful words.

"I'll take your burdens, my love. You must be so tired of carrying them. Give them to me."

And it was as if a great weight had been lifted from his chest and he felt he could breathe freely for the first time in as far back as he could remember. Her arms wound their way around him and he didn't fight or pull away, he just allowed himself to be held like a babe and found the same comfort in it. Neither one of them knew how long they stayed that way with Jimmy limp as a ragdoll in Melody's arms and Melody just holding and rocking him. There was no pressure on either of them to move. Eventually Jimmy's eyes refocused and he looked up at his wife to see such love shining in her blue eyes.

"Welcome back."

"Mel, I—"

"Shh…There's no need for that. We can talk more some time. Right now all you need to know is that I love you and you can't change that. Just walk around in that knowledge for a while."

"I don't understand, how?"

"You will. I love you unconditionally. I wasn't sure myself but it is true. Do you understand what that means?"

Jimmy shook his head.

"It means that I love you just because I do. I could list off all of your good qualities but even if you didn't possess them, I would still love you. I think we should sort of let it all just be for now. Just get used to being loved and knowing what that means and the rest can be dealt with another time. I think we should go home."

They got up and Melody packed up their things and off they went home. It was a quiet evening for the two of them. It wasn't an uncomfortable quiet, in fact there was a more settled feeling than there had been for days and Melody sat down to first complete meal that she had felt able to eat in over a week and it did her heart good to see her husband dig into dinner so ravenously. She sat back in her chair at the table and allowed the thought that maybe they would be fine after all. It had been hard to hear those things coming from Jimmy's mouth, hard to hear the hurt he had lived with and how harshly he'd judged himself. She hadn't lied to him; his revelations changed her feelings not one bit. If she needed any confirmation this fact, she now knew for certain that she would love this man to her dying day.

At the other side of the table Jimmy sat lost in his own thoughts. He had said all of those things out loud, things he usually dared not even think on too long. He hadn't blown up, lightning hadn't come from the sky to strike him down where he sat and most of all, Melody didn't leave. She was quiet but there was no anger, no fear. There were loving smiles and she touched him every chance she had. She'd held his hand all the way back to the house. There was sadness there too and it concerned him a little but he thought he saw something deeper in her eyes, a strength, a resolve, a ferocity that perhaps dated back to her Viking ancestry.

As Jimmy was finishing his dinner, a knock came at the door. Jimmy rose and went to the door. He pulled one of his pistols out of its holster which hung next to the door and slowly opened the door to see a young man he recognized from town. He couldn't for the life of him remember the boy's name but he was a friend of Matt's.

"Marshall Hickok, you need to come quick, Matt's in trouble. He's holed up in your office."

Jimmy grabbed his belts and began to put them on.

"How many are there?"

"Three or four. There was one more, maybe, but Matt wounded him. I've never seen Matt scared like that Marshall. Not of anything."

"You ain't seen it don't mean it don't exist. Do me a favor, son, and stay here. Melody could probably use the company and I don't want to be worrying about you too."

"Yessir."

Melody caught Jimmy as he was shrugging on his coat. She kissed him and then whispered in his ear.

"You be careful. I love you so much."

"I will. I'll see you soon."

Once he was out the door, Melody turned to her frightened visitor.

"Tobias Mills, how is your mother? I haven't seen her in a little bit."

"She's alright, I guess Mrs. Hickok."

"Well, why don't you sit down here and have a slice of pie and fill me in."


Hello again, today has been a rough day for writing...wifedom and motherhood sometimes conspire against me. I think I kind of like how this one turned out. I always loved how the show protrayed Jimmy as the tortured hero (I have a thing for tortured heroes) even though he was anything but that in real life. I hope nobody's upset that I killed off Rosemary. I always thought she was all wrong for him anyway. For all of his existentialist crises, she had not one doubt even though she was originally a pacifist, she just let herself get dragged along and I'd like to think that someone so weak of character wouldn't last long for him. Anyway, I think at one point, Matt Hawkins was a throw away character but I like him now...he jumped up and down enough in my head screaming about how he had a story to tell that now I believe him and feel obligated to tell it. So, yeah, in other news, the Red Wings are not only at risk of losing their captain/allstar defenseman/best player, they are for sure losing their next eldest defenseman and the only righy they have. I totally have sadness about this. I can't help it, hockey is like oxygen...and in othr news, I live in a very urban environment, we call it the ghetto or the projects but really it's more the slums. We are moving soon, I hope. Anyway, walking my dog the other evening, we (the dog and I) were accompanied by a pair of deer. They stayed about 20 yds off (that's kind of close to meters for those of you not on our archaic measurement system here in the states) but walked a good piece of our walking route with us. That was two nights ago and then last night I went out to find a raccoon peeking around a tree trunk at me. It's like all of Disney's woodland creatures have been relocated to the slums of Lansing, Michigan. Poor things. Well, I thank you all for reading, as always, you mean the world to me, dear readers.-J