Sorry for the wait! And thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing this song.
And just 'cause I love ya guys so much, I actually went and SANG and RECORDED this song so you could all hear it. You can find it on youtube. Just search for Cutie (Roxie) and it should be the video with Dot's face, posted on the account LuliandFishy.
Hope you like it!
ChicWakko: Cutie
The internet was beginning to bore him. This was quite a feat, considering the internet is basically made up of jokes, violence, sex, and angry or angsty blogs filled with misinformation. But somehow Lars Kross had managed it. He had surfed enough webpages that he was actually bored of jokes, violence, sex, and angry or angsty blogs filled with misinformation.
"Priest and a Rabbi in a bar video, no. Motorcycle accident pictures, no. Busty co-eds wet t-shirt contest, no. Someone complaining about the president's administration even though they don't even know who the vice president is, no. Someone complaining about humanity's plight and the dark pits in our souls, even though they spelled the wrong kind of sole, no." Lars sighed as he x'd out every page, even his clicking finger moving lethargically.
He slumped against his computer screen, lightly tapping his forehead against the glass in frustration. "Woe is me, that my life should be thusly bereft of excitement." He leaned back in his swivel chair, spinning around a couple times, but even that couldn't lift the atmosphere of complete and utter boredom. "And so close to my twenty-eight birthday, no less!" He exclaimed in a completely unnecessary bit of expositional monologue, written in simply as a lazy means of expressing details about the character. "I am only wearing a t-shirt and boxers!" he continued on, describing himself unnaturally to no one in particular. "But at the very least she should be arriving soon." He said to himself, purposely leaving out the subject's name to generatesuspense.
Oh, that silly Lars.
Anyway!
It was about the time that Lars realized he had been delivering an absurd expositional monologue to no one in particular, that he also became aware of a strange sound coming from his closet. A hushed, rustling sound, like someone trying very hard not to make any noise at all but failing. Now, any normal person's reaction might've been to simply get up and check the closet. A more paranoid person might have left the house and called the police. But Lars was, as stated earlier, only in boxers, so he couldn't exactly run outside, and his pants were all inconveniently hung in the closet. So that only left the normal person's option, check the closet.
But unlike a normal person, Lars had just gone through several hours of intense boredom. So now, this slight oddity had sparked an unusual excitement in him, and his pent-up energy began filling him as he cautiously shuffled over to his bookcase—which strangely contained not a single book—and picked up the pair of wooden rubber band guns he had lying on a shelf.
"Alright, I know you're in there!" Lars exclaimed, the rustling noises in the closet ceasing immediately as he addressed them. "Come out with your hands up!" he said, aiming his rubberband guns, dramatically prepared for the imaginary recoil from firing a shot. Poor Lars, he'd been playing way too much Half Life
A quiet, barely audible hissing sound was heard, and Lars soon recognized it to be hushed whispers coming from his closet. Ah, so the foolish intruders were having second thoughts. Lars stood triumphantly, this was a good thing. Maybe the intruders would surrender, he wouldn't even have to fire a single shot, and no one would get hurt. True, rubberbands couldn't deal any fatal wounds. But they did really, really sting. And Lars didn't want that on his conscious.
Cautiously pressing his back against the wall, Lars quickly reached over to the sliding closet door beside him and slid the door open, immediately jumping in front of the opening and aiming his rubberband guns. "Gotcha!"
Nothing. He was met with nothing but the usual sight of a mess of clothes and computer parts strewn about the floor. Lars blinked curiously; perhaps he had just imagined the whole thing. It wouldn't be the first time. Putting one of the guns to his temple to scratch his head as he surveyed the closet, Lars found nothing out of the ordinary. Oh, save a large, brightly colored present with a card-sized tag attached to it. But other than that, nothing unusual at all.
Now, Lars knew that old saying 'curiosity killed the cat', but being a rather bright fellow he also knew he was luckily not a cat, nor a dog, or even a goldfish. He was, in fact, a human being, and if every video game he had ever played had taught him one thing, it was that curiosity was a very good thing to have if you were human. Or elven. Or a space creature. Or anthropomorphic animal. Or an anthropomorphic elven animal from space. So without further thought into the matter, Lars put the rubberband guns back on the shelf, picked up the brightly wrapped mystery box, shook it slightly, and then proceeded to bring it over to his bed for unwrapping.
He inspected it thoroughly, by which I mean he just stared at it really, really hard, of course. He mused to himself where he could have possibly gotten such a thing. He was too old to believe in Santa and he didn't think Buddha was in the habit of leaving gifts for people considering, you know, the whole 'material possessions are the source of all evil' belief. But he couldn't really think of any other jolly fat men that might've possibly broken into his house and deposited a gift in his closet. Heck, he wasn't even sure why he had immediately assumed it must be a gift from a jolly old fat man.
After much deliberation, Lars deduced that perhaps he should check the attached card. That could possibly be a clue.
Carefully, and with care, Lars took the card into his hands and, full of care, opened it. On the plain bleached-white cardboard, in rushed but perfectly legible print, was written;
To our mystery tipster. Thanks, you're such a doll!
--Your Friends At yakkingyakko(dot)proboards98(dot)com
Lars thought quickly to his vast voyages through the internet. Many a URL came to mind, but not this one. No, Lars was almost completely certain he had never seen this website in his life. Of course, he figured he might've visited it late one night and simply forgotten, but if so, what could he have possibly done to merit someone breaking into his house to leave him a gift?
The name did strike him as familiar, yakkingyakko, though he couldn't fathom where he had heard it before.
Shrugging, and giving only the minimal amount of mandatory thought to the possibility that it could be a terrorist box filled with icky anthrax, Lars dove right in and unwrapped the brightly colored parcel. And by unwrapped, of course I mean he tore the wrapping and the box to shreds.
Inside the torn remains of what was once a brightly wrapped box, sat a simple coffee mug. Nothing more, nothing less, just a plain white coffee mug. Curiously, Lars took the mug in his hands and examined it. No symbol or logo to be found anywhere.
With a shrug, Lars walked over to his water cooler to serve himself some water in his strange new little mug. But the moment he reached out to press the button on his water cooler, he felt a hand on his wrist stop him. With a startled jump, Lars looked down at his wrist, only to see a gloved hand emerging from the mug. Before he could get out so much as a gasp of shock, out of the mug popped three familiar faces.
"Hello!" sang the tallest figure in a sweet baritone.
"Hello!" harmonized the single female figure in an adorable tenor.
"Hello!" chimed in the red-capped figure in an enthusiastic alto.
In an instant, the three figures had leapt out of the mug and onto the ground, standing before a quite befuddled Lars.
"Who… who are…?" was all Lars could stutter out before the three figures replied.
"We're the Warner brothers!" said the Warner brothers.
"And the Warner sister!" added the Warner sister, jumping into Lars' unsuspecting arms. "And you're not half-bad looking. How's about a kiss, handsome?"
The pretty little Warner sister planted a wet, sloppy kiss on Lars' cheek, which prompted a memory in the confused man's head. He faintly remembered seeing these characters plant such kisses on other people before, on TV, on that one cartoon… what was it called?
"Ahh!" Lars let out a yelp as he dropped the Warner sister, and his new mug, on the floor. "You're the Animaniacs!"
"No, that's the name of our show." Yakko said, nudging Lars' in the ribs. "We're the Warner—"
"Yes, I know!" Lars interrupted quickly. "She's Dot." He said, gesturing to the little Warner girl on the floor. Suddenly he remembered why the word yakkingyakko had seemed so familiar to him. "And you two are Yakko and Wakko… um, I forget which is which."
Dot giggled, giving her brothers a smirk. "I guess I'm just unforgettable that way."
"Yeah, it must have been impossible for our viewers to get your singing out of their nightmares." Yakko replied smugly.
Dot turned away, arms crossed, with a huff. "Like you're one to talk Mr. United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama," she muttered under her breath.
"Okay, I think there must be too much lead in my water or something." Lars said, trying to shake his head clear as he headed back to his computer chair and plopped down into the seat. "I didn't know lead could cause hallucinations, but hey, now they're saying absinth doesn't cause them. So who knows? Maybe lead does."
"Don't worry, mister." Wakko said, hopping atop the water cooler. "I'll un-lead it for you!" Wakko smiled as he leaned over at placed his mouth under the water cooler's faucet, then proceeded to drink the entire contents of the water cooler, his body inflating like a balloon as he did so.
Lars' eyes widened like non-flying saucers at the sight. Just as he began pondering whether he would need to buy a new water cooler or some anti-psychotic medication, Wakko finished draining the water cooler and stood up straight. Yakko went to his brother's side, picking him up and shaking him, before plugging Wakko's mouth back into the faucet and squeezing the water out of him, back into the cooler.
The job completed, Wakko hopped off the water cooler and coughed up a pair of solid lead blocks, before giving a loud belch. "Wow, there really was a lot of lead in your water."
"Um… thanks?" Lars said, walking over to inspect the blocks of lead. Surely this was all just a dream. He must've gotten so bored; he fell asleep at the keyboard. Heh, bored, boared, I rhymed.
"It's the least we can do for the kind person who…" Yakko's smile fell as he gave Lars an accusing look, "…left us to deal with the craziest fans this side of Los Angeles. No exaggeration, woof."
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, imaginary dream manifestation of Yakko and/or Wakko." Lars said casually.
Yakko exchanged a look with his sibs, who responded with a shrug. "Whoa, dumber than advertised." Yakko cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah, well, we just wanted to thank you for calling those fans to help us. We might've not made it all together if it hadn't been for you. But one question, how did you know where I was and that my sibs needed help?"
Lars blinked one, then twice, then a third time, before realizing that the cartoon boy's statement wasn't going to start making anymore sense anytime soon. "Yeah, I don't have any idea what you could possibly be referring to, but glad to help! Now if you'll excuse me, don't get me wrong this is a nice dream and all, but I really should be waking up..."
"Dream?" echoed all three Warners at once.
"What do you mean dream?" Wakko asked.
"Do you mean I'm dreamy?" Dot supplied stretching out on Lars' bed like a model.
"Yeah. I mean, no!"
"So you don't think I'm dreamy?!" Dot cried, sitting up, her bottom lip trembling pitifully.
"No, you're the prettiest… uh… what were you kids again? Dogs or cats? I forget…"
"Neither." Wakko said, jumping up into Lars' arms and licking his face as a puppy or kitten would. "We just like doing that."
"Uh huh…" Lars said, slightly disgusted, as he gently placed Wakko on the bed besides his sister. "Look guys, I really should be waking up…"
"Why won't you believe we're real, mister man with no pants?" Dot said, leaning towards Lars and batting her eyes adorably.
It was only then that Lars remembered that, indeed, he was pantless. Grabbing his black bed sheets and pulling them out from under Wakko and Dot, Lars tied the sheets around his waist in a late arriving show of modesty.
"It's okay, mister. I don't wear pants either!" Wakko said with a blissful grin, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
"But you're imaginary, it's not the same." Lars said, struggling in vain to keep himself from blushing.
"Why won't you just believe us when we say we're real?" Yakko said, walking over to the bed to join his sibs and leaning against the mattress.
"Because," Lars said, tightening the shoddily tied sheets around his waist, "I'm a skeptic."
"Eesh. You should get that looked at by a doctor." Yakko said,
"What? No! I'm a skeptic, a skeptic!" Lars plopped back down in his chair. "That means I don't believe something unless I see it with my own eyes."
"Then who's eyes are you seeing us with now?" Wakko asked, scratching his head in confusion.
"You can borrow mine if it would help." Dot said, peeling her eyes off her face and holding them out in her palm.
Lars eyed the, well, eyes, and shook his head. "Thanks, really, but I'm fine the way I am." Dot shrugged and slapped her eyes back on.
"Look, we're not here to bug you, really we're not," Yakko began, inching towards Lars, "things just sort of worked out that way. What we really wanted to do was simply thank you and ask how you knew to call for help."
"But I didn't know!" Lars protested, quickly but not roughly pushing Yakko back, who had come too close for comfort. "I did watch your show as a kid, I admit, but that was a long time ago. And I wasn't even that into the show, the one who was really obsessed with you three was—"
"La-ars!" called a feminine vice from downstairs, the sound of a door shutting accompanying her call. "I'm here!"
"Oh no… I can't believe it slipped my mind! She's coming home today!"
"She? Who's she?" Yakko asked suspiciously. "Say, are you purposely leaving out the subject's name to generate suspense?"
"Shush! Imaginary or not, you do not want her to see you three!" Lars said, scooping all three Warners up in his arms and throwing them back in the closet. "Now stay quiet or I'm going to be in some deep shi—"
"Goodnight everybody!" interjected Yakko, blowing Lars a kiss.
"Shh!" Lars slammed the sliding door shut in a panic. How could he have let himself get so distracted?
"Lars?" said the feminine voice, knocking on his bedroom door. "Are you decent?"
"As decent as he's going to get." Muttered Yakko.
"Shh!" said Lars, punching the closet door for emphasis.
"Lars?" said the feminine voice as she turned the knob and entered. "Are you okay?"
"Never better…" Lars said with a forced smile, "…Lita."
Lita Kross raised an eyebrow at the sight. Pantless, his sheets in a curious location, the room a mess, an unwrapped package sitting on an unmade bed, yes… Lars hadn't changed a bit. That's right; theshe Lars kept mentioning was Lita! What an amazing plot twist! Bet none of you out there saw that coming!
…oh, you did? Well, who asked ya?
"What's with the sheet? Are you expecting company?" Lita said, dropping her suitcase and purse in the doorway tiredly.
"No one but you." Lars said, not daring to move away from the closet. "Then again, you never know who might drop in uninvited."
"Tell me about it." Lita said, moving over to sit down on the bed. "It's just that sort of unwanted visitor that cost me my job today."
With a sigh, Lita shut her eyes and leaned back onto the bed, taking a black pillow into her arms and hugging it to her chest. It was a very pleasant pillow to hold; soft, fuzzy, a bit thin but warm, its heartbeat steady and relaxing…
Lita's eyes snapped open in alarm as she sat up and stared down at the supposed pillow in her arms.
"Hellooo nurse!" said Wakko Warner, cuddling into Lita's chest.
Lita gave a shrill scream and jumped off the bed. "Lars! What is that?!" she shouted, gesturing spastically at Wakko, who made a gookie face in reply.
"What's what? I don't see anything if you don't." Lars responded, too quickly.
"What, did you little hellions follow me here?! I'm calling the police!" Lita said, running over to her purse to retrieve her cell phone. But she never had the chance, for as she opened the bag, Dot popped out and grabbed her face.
"Oh sweetie, you really shouldn't scowl like that. You'll give yourself premature wrinkles!" Dot said sweetly.
"Gah!" Lita reeled back as she stood, and whirled on Lars. "Do something!"
"Nah, I'm good just feigning ignorance over here." Lars said with a nod, still guarding the closet door. Lita narrowed her eyes, knowing him all too well.
"What are you hiding in there?"
"Nothing!" Lars said, shaking his head a few too many times.
"Uh huh, then you won't mind if I do this!" Lita lunged forward and shoved Lars aside, yanking the closet door open.
There stood Yakko, playing with a pair of paddleballs.
"You?!" One could practically see the fire in Lita's eyes.
"You?!" One really could see fire come out of Yakko's eyes.
"What are you doing here?!" They both shouted at once, hands balled up into fists.
"What am I doing here? This is my brother's house!" Lita said furiously, pointing to Lars who sat sheepishly on the bed beside Wakko, who was busying himself bouncing on the bed. "I live here! What are you doing here?!"
Yakko opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get out the train of unkind though clever phrases he had prepared for Lita, Dot jumped in front of him, smiling adorably.
"Well if you really want to know, this place is but a short stop on our path to our ultimate goal."
Lita opened her mouth to unleash the dam of equally unkind, though not as clever, words she had prepared for Yakko, but her curiosity got the best of her. "What ultimate goal?"
"To reclaim our rightful place at the top, of course!" Dot said, batting her eyes, as she took Lita's hand and led her away from the closet. Now certain that all eyes were on her, Dot shoved Wakko and Lars off the bed, Lars landing in an uncomfortable heap on the floor while Wakko landed on Lars' back, and posed to explain with a song.
"The
word on everybody's lips
Is gonna be cutie
The lady raking
in the chips
Is gonna be a cutie"
Dot spun around adorably, pulling out a mirror and admiring herself.
"I'm
a comeback celebrity
That means
Someone you almost
forgot
They're gonna remember my eyes
My ears, my smile, my
dress, I'm Dot!"
She
threw the mirror aside and jumped from the bed onto Lars' computer
desk, leaning against his monitor as she sang.
"From
just some washed up has-been toon
I'm gonna be a cutie
Who
says cuteness is not an art?"
Raising one hand lazily in the air, Dot stood up straight and pointed at her two brothers.
"And
who with brothers that yak and whack
Can say she's making a
comeback?
Dot Warner!"
Finishing
her sung monologue, Dot lay down on the desk and winked, beckoning
for her brothers.
"Boys..."
A
lifetime together had made the Warners very good at reading
eachother's cues. So, taking the hint, Yakko and Wakko moved to
opposite sides of the desk and raised their hands up at Dot, singing;
"They're
gonna wait outside in line
To get to see"
Dot
stood up and curtsied as she sang along with her brothers;
"A
cutie"
Then,
pulling out a pen and paper, she scribbled a quick little signature
and stuffed it into Lars' bewildered hands.
"Think
of those autographs I'll sign,
'Good luck to ya',"
Dot
winked at Lars in her innocently flirtatious way as Yakko and Wakko
chimed in;
"Dottie"
Dot
huffed, casting her brothers a quick glare for their slip-up, before
turning back to her audience.
"And
I'll appear
Bright and clear
And
say 'you can call me cutie pie'"
Dot
put out her arms, and her brothers reached up to take hold of her,
gracefully bringing her off the desk and to the ground as they sang;
"Princess
Angelina,
Contessa Louisa Francesca,
Banana Fana Bo Besca"
Dot's
saccharine smile morphed to a threatening snarl as she stared her two
brothers down, saying;
"But
call me Dottie and you die!"
Seeing Yakko and Wakko's terrified smiles, Dot turned away satisfied, and climbed up on Lars' swivel chair, fluffing her hair as she spoke in rhythm.
"Mmmm,
I'm a star!
And the audience loves me!
And I love them
And
they love me for loving them
And I love them for loving me
Oh,
and I guess they'll like my brothers too
That is, if they can
get their eyes off me long enough to notice them
And that's
showbiz,
Kid"
she said with a wink as she cartwheeled off the chair and back onto
the floor.
Yakko and Wakko ran up in front of Dot and snapped their fingers in time, now both wearing wide-rimmed hats as they sang;
"She's
given up her hum drum life"
Dot
emerged from behind her brothers, now dressed in a sparkling red
evening gown.
"I'm
gonna be
Sing it!"
Yakko
and Wakko slid to their knees on either side of Dot, singing;
"A
cutie
She made a scandal and a stir"
As
the Warner Brothers bent down on all fours, Dot walked over them like
steps, back up to the bed, as she finished loudly;
"And
Hollywood
Is
gonna flip
When they see who defines what's hip
Dot Warner"
Yakko and Wakko got up on their knees, looking up adorably at Dot, hands in the air is if reaching out for her, as they chanted, mesmerized;
"Cutie...
Cutie...
Cutie...
Cutie...
Cu-tie...
Cutie...
Cutie..."
Lita nodded contemplatively, absorbing this new information and viewing it with all the sympathy she could muster.
"I want them out, now."
Dot: I bet this song is going to be the most popular one yet!
Yakko: Probably so. After all, there's no accounting for taste.
Dot: Hmph!
Wakko: (giggles) I get it, 'cause people who would like your song have bad taste!
Dot: Boys...
