I remember now…
I think I would have remained lost if it wasn't for the Cullens. I was truly blessed when they walked into my life, one by one.
I resisted their help at first. Alice and Edward helped me so much those first few weeks, and I didn't want to take too much. I didn't want to be needy, dependent, or a bother and thought saving myself was something I had to do alone. I didn't want to be anyone's project. I didn't want to be their cause, the 'Let's save Bella' cause - I didn't think I was worth it. In the end, though, I let them in. They cared about me. They wanted the best for me. They wanted to see me smiling, happy, and free of the past. It took me a while to believe they could love me, but they overcame every insecurity and doubt I had.
Their voices were loving and kind as each of them gave me something in their own unique way.
Edward and Alices's mom and dad, Esme and Carlisle, were there for me when I needed parents. They encouraged me, gave me advice, and sometimes they just listened when I needed to talk. They reminded me that unconditional love did exist.
Alice helped me to just be. Her first bright idea was to prohibit me from cleaning my room or the apartment for one week. I think I was driving her crazy with my continuous cleaning.
"So, Bella. We are going to say 'Fuck this cleaning crap' for seven days. We are going to leave dirty dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor, and dust balls wherever the hell they want to be."
I only made it five days, but we both figured that was a record for me and decided her 'therapy' was a success. Not cleaning was ridiculously and embarrassingly difficult for me, but I did remember that the world doesn't end if everything isn't perfect.
Their brother, Emmett, teased me when I took myself too seriously, and I remembered how to laugh at myself.
Rosalie, Emmett's wife, told me to "Knock it off. You're being crazy." in her direct, no-nonsense way whenever I started to overthink or apologize. She gave me the perspective I so desperately needed.
Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, calmed me down when I was frustrated or angry with myself. He just had a way, this soothing way with words, that put my mind at ease.
Edward gave me the most, I think. He helped me find joy again in the simplest of ways.
He wouldn't let me hide from the world in that apartment every night, brooding. I never knew when he was coming over. He just knocked on the door and told me to get ready, that we were going out. I refused the first few times, and nothing he said could change my mind. He was persistent, though, and I finally said yes.
"Where are we going?
"Bowling."
"Bowling? I'm terrible at that. Can't we do something else?"
"Nope, bowling it is. You don't need to be perfect at this, Bella. You just need to have fun."
I grudgingly put on those nasty bowling shoes and went along with the whole stupid bowling thing until I threw a strike, and my world changed. I suddenly loved bowling. I did a victory dance around the lane. I pumped my fists in the air, laughing and yelling, "Yes! Yes! Yes! I am the Bowling Goddess!"
I will never forget that moment, the moment I felt joy again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be that free, that uninhibited, that spontaneous.
When I was done celebrating, I turned to look at Edward. He was staring at me and smiling. Normally, I would be embarrassed and start apologizing for acting so stupidly, but I never did that with Edward. I could completely be myself with him whether I was happy or sad.
"What? What's wrong with you? You're stunned by my awesome skills, I bet. I know. I'm great. What can I say?"
He continued to smile and stare.
"Hello? Edward?"
"You are … I have never seen anyone so joyful, so beau..."
He stopped in the middle of his sentence and picked up his bowling ball.
"Come on, let's get on with the game. I'm coming at you with my 'A' game now so maybe you celebrated too soon, Bowling Goddess."
I found joy again in many places, and he just smiled and stared when I did. I found it when I got a hole in one when we were miniature golfing. I found it when I rammed him with my bumper car at a local fair. I found it on the ferris wheel and the roller coaster. I found it when we played cards and checkers, and I won. I found it when we took a walk, and I spotted an owl sleeping in a tree. I found it when I cooked him dinner, and he loved it, even though I burned the potatoes. I found it when he brought me to a blues club, and I danced all night to the music I forgot I loved. I found it when he sent me a text message in the middle of the day, just to say hello. I found it when he told me silly jokes. I found it every time he knocked on my door.
I was surrounded by more love and support than I ever imagined I would have in my life again. There was always a hand reaching out to help me up when I fell, always a kind voice encouraging me on my darkest days. The voice in my head, my own voice, became gentler and more understanding as I gradually forgave myself for becoming the person I never thought I would become. My life was slowly coming back together. I was slowly coming back together.
I remembered how to live again.
******************************.
Finally some happiness!
We need more, though, especially Bella, so I'm going to post another chapter tonight.
Thanks for reading and the reviews!
Judy xoxoxo
