7. "Underneath it all" (song by No Doubt ) Faith, Buffy the vampire Slayer
Author notes: …what are the chances of three songs in a row randomly being No Doubt/Gwen Stefani ones when I'm not even a major fan? Lol
Faith knew what she was. She couldn't have escaped the knowledge even if she'd been born deaf and blind, unable to see their sneers, their looks of disgust and contempt, mockery and even hatred of her, to hear their hissing slurs and shouted declarations of her lack of worth. Even if she had been so inflicted she would have known. She would have felt it in the way they touched her, with rough hands grabbing, pinching, bruising, the sharp blows to her face, chest, and stomach, and in the way they didn't touch her too. She could remember no hugs, no kisses on the forehead, no larger hands taking hold of hers, no arms lifting her high into the air or rocking her in their circle. The touches, and lack of touches, made it obvious…the words only spelled it out more clearly.
She could never remember a time when she hadn't been aware of what she was, hadn't had it drilled into her by everyone she knew, to make sure she never forgot. She was worthless, stupid, trash…she was a slut and a loser, a skank and a bitch who should never have been born, who should never have been allowed to live. She was a mistake, an outcast, unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. She was nothing. She was no one. She was bad, and she didn't' care, didn't' want or need anyone or anything but herself.
But still… even as she knew this, had it drilled into her head over and over, repeated it to herself on a daily basis… still a part of her cringed, flinched away from the knowledge. Some small part of her cried out against it, denying it all, hungry for reassurance, for approval, for comfort and borrowed strength, understanding and support. Some part of her declared her own strength and rejected it all…
For underneath it all, all she wanted- all she ever hoped and fought for- was that someone, somewhere, would love her, no matter how much she didn't deserve it.
