Title: Pride and Prejudice


Disclaimers: Sadly, I do not own anything or anybody related to CSI. Nor the lines I quoted in the story.

A/N: Well, this chapter is quite long. The longest of all. Originally, it was split into two shorter chapters but I felt it is better this way. Hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless.


Chapter Seven

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. - Elbert Hubbard"

"Sara, look!" Grissom was so proud of himself. He thought that Herbie trusted him enough to show him affection this way.

"Grissom, please!" she did not want to look at him just yet.

"Miaow."

Realizing that Grissom had only intended to show Herbie's ardent massage to her, Sara glanced up from her safe barricade of arms and a shy smile formed on her ashen pale face. The cat provided Sara a great opportunity to have a break from her turmoil. She never believed that crying would help anything. Actually, it gave her a headache, made her eyelids heavy and swollen and she felt as if she had not slept for ages. So no, this form of sorrow made her even more miserable. She desperately needed a handkerchief but pulling one out from her pocket would have meant to break the contact with the man next to her. Even though it was only his hand that was holding hers, Sara felt as if his whole body embraced her. They did not need big fat romantic moves but right at this thought, Sara's mood started to sink once again. There was not a 'they', there were only 'him' and 'her'.

Before a new boat of droplets could find its way from her eyes, Sara slowly started to change her sitting position to make room for the cat if he decided to cuddle with her. She grieved already the loss of Grissom's touch knowing that she probably would not feel it again. Soon, Grissom would run away from her, from the woman who always feared of making mistakes and on the road, she had become one. At least, it was what Sara Sidle was so sure of. Just a sign or an opportunity and Grissom would be gone from her life.

With shaking arms, Sara reached for Herbie who jumped from Grissom's lap and went to his lady friend willingly. Like a furry toy, Herbie immediately sat down with a flop onto her knees. Within seconds, the feline thought better of it, and pressed his body so tightly to Sara's ribs that it almost hurt. His little bony face soon disappeared under his heroine's armpit, and then this creature of wonder went perfectly still and started purring as loud as he could in his position.

"Herbie really loves you, Sara! I read about it somewhere that animals find warmth and safety in their mothers' embraces and domesticated animals like this cat, they try to get as close to the beloved person as they can. And human bodies radiate heat from their armpits the most. Or…umm…that is one of the best places for getting body warmth."

"Where did you learn so much about animals' behavior?

"I have my sources," he told her enigmatically.

"Grissom! I…umm…" a muffled voice left Herbie's lips but neither Sara nor Grissom could get out what it had been. "I need to know…"

This time, it was Grissom's cell phone that interrupted Sara. At the unfamiliar noise, Herbie tensed up under Sara's arm but stayed there. Grissom pulled the device out of his black jacket to see who the called was. Ecklie. He simply let it ring.

"That's the Lab? Do you wanna get it?"

"No," he answered.

"Look, I already kept you longer than I am sure you intended to stay. I'm sorry."

"Sara, it's not…" but his stomach started to rumble excessively making him embarrassed.

"Oh, God! Have you eaten anything since the end of your shift?" At his expression, she knew the answer, "Have you slept at all?"

"I'm fine."

"You can't go back to work without sleep or…"

"Sara, I only have an hour till my shift but I'm fine."

"Yeah, you're feeling okay now but then…and it's all my fault, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you so much trouble."

"Sara! Sara, stop apologizing!"

"Sorry."

"I meant it."

Sara felt guilty again. She had lost control at work; therefore Grissom sure would have to fire her. To make it elegant, he even had had to come here to inform her and that was why he had had no time to eat or sleep. Of all people, Sara knew how it was like working with empty stomach. At first, the hunger had kept her awake, so without decent sleep and enough food, she had been suffering at work. After a while, she had gotten used to the feeling and she could sleep. She had learned soon enough that sleeping was another friend beside water. The fluid had helped her to feel "gorged" while sleeping had helped her to feel nothing at all. But Grissom did not have the luxury of time to get used to the misery Sara had just put him in. And why should he?

Sara quickly made the inventory of her precious goods she had bought earlier. Some bread, butter, one fresh cucumber and one apple as she had eaten one before Grissom had arrived, a little box of cereals, one single carton of low-fat milk, and a carton of juice. Alright, not a divine dinner but at least she could offer him some poor dinner. If it had happened on Wednesday, Sara could not have pretended that she had no financial problems. But it was Thursday evening, and on Friday she would get her salary. The last one.

"Can I get you anything?"

"You don't have to bother."

Grissom wanted to lighten their moods with a silly joke, "However, it's safer to eat here than in the Lab."

"What?"

"You know, the Lab has a fridge hacker," he smiled at her.

When Sara had thought earlier that there could not have been anything worse than to share her dark childhood with the man she respected, valued and loved more than anybody, well, she had been wrong. This was the worst moment in her adult life. What had happened to her as a child, it had been her parents and the system's fault. But her life's mistakes now as an adult, they were all hers.

"You think it is a…bad person?"

"I don't care enough to bother. I don't even want to know who it is."

"And the reasons? Maybe it was a case of necessity and maybe that person hates themselves because of what she…or he has done."

"Maybe."

"So, I can offer you some bread with butter, orange juice. Sorry, but the milk is for Herbie."

"Sounds great. I can help."

"Okay," she said with heavy heart.

Sara let Herbie sit or go wherever he wanted, that was how he found the best place to observe the happenings from a stool. Herbie was sitting like the noble Sphinx watching Sara and Grissom just like the original one was watching the tourists. He found it both entertaining and relaxing to see his lady friend fed this oversized tomcat. At the same time, Herbie checked Grissom's every motion. The man looked nice enough to serve him alright, he even deserved a meal for assisting Herbie in comforting his dark haired female, but no way would he move in here. Their home was not a shelter.

"Where is Herbie's food?"

"Under my desk in the living room, thanks."

"I better feed him; it is frustrating how he's watching me."

"Give him a cup of milk before the dry food, he needs the fluid."

Grissom went to the fridge and opened it to retrieve the carton of milk Sara had mentioned moments ago. People never knew how an empty fridge could be look like until they faced with one. Grissom knew Sara was a neat woman but this was weird. The woman in question somehow sensed his surprise and she immediately tried to sell an explanation.

"Yeah, it's empty. I didn't have time to go to the grocery. With the cases we had had lately, crazy. I guess I will have time now," she forced a smile.

"For a week, yeah."

"You said Ecklie wanted you to fire me."

"That's true but it doesn't mean I will do that."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't do anything so serious I should fire you. I'm not saying you did right and you also know that but if I have to fire you, then I'm going to fire everybody else too."

His words warmed her tired heart, "You won't fire me?"

"Never."

To hide her emotions, Sara quickly turned to Herbie and kissed him.

"I saved your job, and you're kissing him?"

"He lets me," she smiled at him vividly.

Grissom went toward them and placed the bowl of milk onto the floor. Herbie jumped off the stool and went to drink his milk. Silence sat onto the flat. The cat consumed his meal faster than his lady and her male did the same with their bread and butter with cucumber.

Sara went to pour some dry cat food into his bowl while Grissom cleaned the kitchen. It was his duty as he had said. Grissom scooped the discarded stuff and was about to throw it away.

"Where is the dustbin?" he asked Sara who was in the living room with Herbie.

"In the corner."

He then found it easily. He smiled at the content of the dustbin. Only one thing. So Sara emptied the trashcan often. No wonder here, he thought. After one last glance at the plastic box and its label that said it used to be a container of a triangle-shaped ham and cheese sandwich, Grissom threw the garbage away.

Sara knew this would come soon but she did not want him to leave. And the hesitation of his steps suggested the same feeling.

"Thanks for the dinner," he told Sara.

"Well, it wasn't a groaning board."

"The company was great."

"Thanks."

"Can I use the bathroom?"

"Of course, the first door on the right."

A few minutes later, they were standing at the front door both watching intently their feet. Sara did not want him to leave; Grissom did not want her to let him go – literally, figuratively. Ecklie's rude call interrupted their silent grieves.

"I have to go."

"I know. Thank you…for everything."

This time Grissom could not resist his desire for her and he ever so gently caressed her cheek with his left palm. Sara subconsciously leaned into his touch. For a normal couple, a kiss would have followed the touch as hot as this one was but Grissom feared of making mistakes. That he dared to make physical contact with Sara was a huge step, he did not want to risk of her to believe that he might push her. With a sigh he pulled his hand back from her velvety face and turned to leave.

"Griss," she called after him. Before she could have got cold feet, she pressed a light kiss onto his cheek.

That day, a nervous and sad Grissom had arrived to see Sara long hours ago, and now a nervous but so very happy one left the same woman. Both of their faces were deep red from the contact. Neither of them dared to smile.


GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR


Within a short period of time, Grissom was heading for Ecklie's office. For a moment, he was just watching Catherine and Ecklie going over some files. For a woman who had claimed how much she despised Conrad Ecklie, she was so honey sweet with him now. Well, some position could change some people's beliefs. Already irritated, Grissom walked up to the table where the two were seated.

"You wanted to talk to me about Sara?"

"I haven't received her disciplinary action. What's the holdup?"

"Well, I'm not firing her."

It went easier than he had hoped for. It was clear that Ecklie would have been on cloud nine if Grissom had fired Sara, but it was also clear to the Assistant Director that Grissom had stood up for his protégé, so if he wanted to get rid of Sara Sidle, Ecklie would have to face with the fact that he would lose Grissom, too.

"She's a loose cannon with a gun. And she's all yours," Ecklie said to Grissom, and then he left him with Catherine. Ecklie suddenly became tired of both Grissom and Sara.

Grissom shifted his gaze from the leaving Ecklie to Catherine, who looked at him. He could not decide what her face mirrored. Disappointment? Not really. Anger? Definitely not. Guilt? Some. Defeat? That too. Maybe a little bit all of them.

"How is she?" Catherine asked Grissom. There was no animosity or anger in her voice.

"She'll be fine."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," and with that Grissom left the room leaving Catherine alone with her conscience.

The newly promoted Swing Shift Supervisor was not sure why Grissom had been sorry for. Sorry for what had happened to Sara, or sorry for their betrayed friendship? Catherine buried her face into her hands.


GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR


Grissom was working in his office or he was trying very hard to pretend working. His mind time to time wandered back to Sara's home. It was not right, he knew that. Here, he was Gil Grissom, the supervisor; only outside of the Lab could he let himself be Sara's friend or the man who loved her. So the supervisor now decided to push the thoughts of Sara in the background. Until this night, he had been so successful in doing so but now he just could not concentrate on anything but Sara. She was a dangerous woman, he was well aware of that fact. Her touch had felt more risky, he already longed for more.

Grissom was flourishingly working on a case for the last two minutes when he heard a knock on his office door.

"Can I have a quick word with you?" Greg asked him.

"Greg, I'm covered with files I have to read, so…," noticing the young man's worry, he suddenly realized why Greg was really there. "But I can fit in a few minutes for you, so come in."

"Thanks. I've seen that you came from Ecklie's office, and…umm…I just…"

"Sara is off for a week but she'll come back."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure of what? That she's not fired? Of course I'm. I didn't fire her."

"I meant if you're sure she would come back?"

Sitting up straight in his chair, he looked directly into the young CSI's eyes, "Why wouldn't she?"

"Dunno, we just tent to take things for granted until we realize that "things" can change or got enough to finally move on."

"What are you talking about? Did Sara tell you something?"

"No. She wouldn't…anyway. I was just trained by her. I learned to walk with open eyes and learned to read what I might see."


GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR


After the short but all the more thought-provoking talk with Greg, Grissom could not focus on the cases in front of him. He wanted to do something more productive than just to sit there pondering on Greg's words. And those goddamned criminals had chosen this night to stay clear of danger.

Having nothing to do, Grissom decided to go to the break room to see if there is something to eat. He went straight to the fridge but after opening its door, he saw that there was no food in it for him.

"Are you hungry?" Catherine asked behind him.

"What are you still doing here?"

"Don't be this overwhelmingly happy to see me!"

"Sorry, I guess I'm just cranky a little."

"Have you eaten anything at all? Hunger could cause moodiness."

"Yeah, I ate a little. But you are right, maybe I should eat something."

"Here, I can share my sandwiches. Take one of mine. Peace offer?"

"I accept your peace offer but I won't eat your breakfast."

"Look, Gil. I had time to think about what you had told me. I am not proud of what I have done; however, I still have difficulties to admit it. I think I overreacted it, I'm sorry. I really am sorry."

"Cath, I am not angry at you…anymore. I was, I truly was but then I talked to Sara and she knows she made mistakes, now I only want her to move on and clear her head so that she can come back with regained energy."

"It will be hard on both of us. I bet she hates me. I would hate myself."

"Do you hate her?"

"She can piss me off so easily like no one else can, she can wake aggression in me like no one else can, her sharp mind irritates me, her stamina makes me…jealous but nope, I don't hate her."

"Sara doesn't know the word 'hate'."

The atmosphere in the room was so heavy with stress that neither of them could breathe easily. Catherine desperately wanted to lighten the mood.

"Look, I will deny everything I told you here and then I have to kill you…"

Smiling he asked, "So you have sandwiches? And by the way, why aren't you at home?"

"I have two sandwiches, I can never eat both, and to answer your other question, the only real one for that matter, I was about to leave when I saw you here."

Grissom accepted the food Catherine was holding, "You sure?"

"Yep. Here!"

Catherine handed one of her two triangle sandwiches - each in vacuum wrapped plastic box. Grissom was grateful for the food. He looked at it and smiled. This was the exact same brand that he had seen in Sara's dustbin earlier. The label said the same too. Ham and cheese sandwich from Pepe Jone's.

"Thanks. It looks delicious."

"Yeah, that rotten thief thought so when he stole my other sandwiches, I guess! Sara is lucky; no one wants to eat what only rabbits eat. Her meal is safe here."

The numbing feeling of abject fear of realization seized him with terror, unwarranted and unprecedented agitation. It flooded through his system like an untamed torrent until he felt it manifested in his heart, and then spreading to his arms and limbs right up to his neck. Suddenly, the ice cold grip around his heart was replaced by a strange warm pool of panic.

"Oh God! No! Sara is a vegetarian!"

"Yep, everybody knows it. What is it, Gil?"

Realizing he was still in the break room…with Catherine, he could only react with an 'huh?'

"Are you alright?"

"I…I gotta go," and he left the room on wobbly feet.

He forced himself to walk faster but the time seemed to slow down as if to perpetuate the moment of truth. He needed to move with more speed but he felt immobilized by his lead-heavy legs. His body was a useless flesh that did not respond to commands. His brain was so overloaded with the now obvious but until this very moment unseen pieces of information, he feared of losing consciousness due to the sudden trauma. Grissom needed time but it was exactly that he did not have at all.

Finally, he entered his office. He did not care about protocol; he locked his door and made the interior invisible to outsiders. He wanted to be alone. The broken man walked behind his desk but soon left it again. He sat onto his couch but found it uncomfortable just as well. He paced the room until he finally decided to look at this situation as if it was a real case. But to do so, he had to calm down.

Grissom started to write.

Case number: the only one I care

Name: Sara Sidle

Evidence:

- stolen food – empty box of ham sandwich in Sara's home, same brand!

- body: extremely skinny, hardly any food at home

- impulsiveness at work

- fear of genes that might define her and her actions, guilt (?), shame (?), horrible childhood

His own words was echoing in his head.

"When murderers are waiting for us to catch them, yes, I'm not too worried about some piteous thief…. piteous thief…"

Slowly, Grissom retreated into himself searching for some hidden strength but then he realized that he was holding his breath quickly followed by the realization that he had been so blind until now. Every little piece of evidence was right in front of his eyes but he could not or would not see it. His biggest fear materialized just now. In his crazy effort to keep the appearances and Sara away from his heart, he had blinded himself. He had let this woman sink in this hopeless state. What kind of a man was he? Grissom had just assumed that everything had been alright; Sara had been just emotional as usual.

Grissom's vision was blurred by burning tears he did not realize pooling in his eyes. Sara was so skinny. She had to be either anorexic or she had nothing to eat. Grissom knew he was getting closer to the truth, sensing more than knowing. If Sara had been anorexic, she would not have stolen food, therefore, she had had nothing to eat. No wonder there had been only one item in her dustbin. He remembered all the terrible things the team had labeled the unknown thief.

"You all are talking about this guy as a rotten felon but you know absolutely nothing about her…or his motivation. Probably she feels as shitty about it or he feels as horrible about stealing as you all think how low she or he is. Maybe there is no other choice for him or her."

And now, he remembered Sara's eyes. Grissom had to close mine for a moment. He had been blind and deaf. He was famous for his ability of reading evidence with no emotions involved. He had failed miserably…evidently.

"You think it is a…bad person?"

"I don't care enough to bother. I don't even want to know who it is."

Yes, he had not cared enough to bother to see what had been so obvious. Grissom could not find his way to peace anymore, because he was lost in the dark fog of panic and guilt. The present seemed so surreal to him.

Even though she had claimed that she had had no time for shopping, Grissom had just realized that the milk had been fresh, so it meant that she had been out for shopping but she had bought only bread and milk. Her childhood was more than devastating but it only could explain her attitude to some cases, it did not explain her more recent situation.

"And the reasons? Maybe it was a case of necessity and maybe that person hates themselves because of what she…or he did."

For the first time in his career, he was more interested in the 'whys' than in the 'whats'. He seemed to have all the information but Grissom needed to know how and why she got into this situation.

"What kind of problem can she have? Finding enough time to select her next victim to insult?"

Grissom had hated Catherine's words that day but he now had to admit that she had not been burdened with more or less prejudice than any one of the team had been.

Gilbert Grissom had changed that day. That Friday dawn awoke the man in him that was willing to move forward with every ounce of strength he possessed to bring his beloved woman back to the life she deserved. With her, he also could try to find his way to the surface, to breathe and live again.

Neither of them could live with constant fear. Grissom's deepest nightmare had been to love Sara and had blinded by his emotion and then as a consequence, their relationship would jeopardize both of their careers. On this sour Friday morning, he had to learn that he could not control his feelings and denying them also could cloud his judgement.

Terrified by the consequences of his crazy strategy to keep his heart untouched, newly-born doubts planted into his mind. Did he have the right to love her at all when he had done nothing else but damage her? Did he have the right to protect her when he had done nothing else but ignored her cries? What if some lunatic ever wanted to hurt her and he would not be listening? Would he be able to save her from the suffering when his judgment would fail him? What if it would be him to rush her into danger? What if his love was the greatest danger for her? Did he have the right to risk it? Could he risk it?

Grissom wanted to get out of this building. He felt as if the Lab – for the first time in his life – was suffocating him. He needed air, he needed Sara.


GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR GSR ~ * ~ GSR


It was Friday; 9 o'clock in the morning and Sara was sleeping soundly with Herbie in her bed. Probably both of them were dreaming about a better and happier life. After Grissom had left her home, Sara had been sitting in her bed wishing to fall asleep but she had been too excited. For long-long minutes she had been touching her lips. They had kissed HIM. Herbie had not understood her happy expression but he had welcomed it. Finally, it had been Herbie who had purred Sara to sleep.

Now, it was the firm knocking on the front door that had woken Sara and her four-legged gentleman. Still half asleep, she walked to the door, checked the spy hole then shocked, she opened the door.

"Hi! Can I come in?"

TBC


Author's Postscript: Who do you think it is? *a little voice whispers that it is not Grissom*