Monday, January 27

Olivia had arrived at the hospital for her surgery at six o'clock that morning. She had taken a cab, still insistent on doing this on her own as much as possible. All of the prep work was done. She had been injected with a dye to help locate the sentinel node. An IV was in place that didn't seem to do much but make her have to pee every half hour. Her surgeon had been in to mark the incision area and initial her left breast with a sharpie. The doctor had done it without a moment's hesitation but it had made Olivia feel a little strange, having someone write on her body with a permanent marker. At least the doctor hadn't written "Guilty" across her forehead.

It was now noon. Her surgery had been scheduled for ten o'clock, but had been bumped because the OR had been needed for a traffic accident. She had read every magazine she could get her hands on, and now she was just bored. But she was also tense. The delay was giving her too much time to think.

She was playing the part of the confident breast cancer patient. All of her doctors and friends told her how great her prognosis was. She wanted to believe them. But, truthfully, she was afraid she was going to die. And she was afraid to admit that to anyone. Sure, this might just be a bump in the road, but it was a pretty big damn bump.

Ever since the diagnosis, Olivia had felt cold. She remembered going in for the MRI of her breasts when she had been visibly shaking. The nurses and technicians had bundled her in blankets that had been warmed in some kind of oven. It had been heavenly. She had heard people complain about MRIs, but she had found the experience oddly comforting; laying on her stomach, wrapped up in warm blankets, and then slid into a tube feet first. She had actually fallen asleep. She wondered if they had those heated blankets here. She was afraid she was going to start shivering again.

As she tried to talk herself into pressing the button for the nurse a familiar face appeared in the doorway. It was Alex Cabot.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Olivia couldn't actually keep the smile off her face as she tried to glare at the ADA.

"I came expecting to find you in recovery. I thought an Olivia coming out of anesthesia would be less likely to bite my head off for visiting."

"And instead you get a grumpy Olivia who hasn't had anything to eat or drink in the last 30 hours. Lucky you."

Alex laughed and went to sit by Olivia's bedside. "So, can I keep your grumpy ass company until they get to you?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

She came awake slowly. There seemed to be a lot of noise all around her. She felt a strange heaviness on her chest, and something tightening on her right arm. She heard a doctor telling another patient that it was all over and everything had gone very well. Something about the sentinel node being positive, they had performed the lymph node dissection, that because of the delay they needed to keep her overnight. Then she realized that it was her doctor speaking to her. She didn't care. She just wanted to sleep.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The next time she became aware of her surroundings she knew that she was in a hospital room. She could see out the window that it was dark, but she had no idea what time it was. She felt very heavy, but she wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable, and more thirsty than she had ever been in her entire life. She saw a pitcher and a cup on the bed table but couldn't figure out how to get to it. Her left arm seemed unwilling to reach out to the table, and her right arm was being held hostage by a blood pressure cuff, an IV, and some weird clip thing on her index finger. Looking to her left she saw some kind of remote hanging right by her left hand. Maybe she could turn on the television to help lull herself back to sleep. She pressed the button but the television didn't turn on.

A few minutes later a nurse came in. He asked what she needed before she realized she had actually hit the nurse call button.

"Umm, could you help me get something to drink?" she asked, a little embarrassed.

"Of course, Ms. Benson," he replied filling the cup and helping her drink.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you."

"That's why I'm here, you know."

"What time is it?" Olivia asked.

"It's about three in the morning. Are you feeling any pain?"

"No, not really, just feeling a little weird."

"It's always strange waking up in a hospital after surgery. You just let me know if there's anything I can do to help make it easier. Are you hungry?"

"You can actually get me something to eat at this hour?"

"You bet. This is a 24-7 operation. I'll be back in a few."

After devouring the driest, stalest, and most fantastic turkey sandwich she had ever had in her life, Olivia settled back in her pillows and slept the rest of the night away.

"A nurse will be in to review your after-care instructions with you." Dr. Mitchell explained. "And, I'll see you at your follow-up appointment on Friday. We should be able to remove the drain then."

"Okay, umm, I'm sorry. What drain?" Olivia asked.

"You have a tube coming out just here, under your arm." the doctor pointed to her left arm. "It's to help remove any fluid that collects in the surgical area. The fluid collects in this container." She pulled up a little plastic container that was clipped to her hospital gown.

Olivia maintained her composure, but was, frankly, a little bit grossed out. She hadn't yet gathered her nerve to take stock of all of her new wounds. She wasn't ready to look. Not yet.

Olivia hadn't planned on spending the night in the hospital, so she wasn't quite sure how she was going to get home that morning. But Melinda showed up just as her doctor was signing her discharge papers.

"You ready to get out of here?"

"So ready."

Later that day Olivia awoke in her own bed, in her own home. She heard the television playing softly in the living room. Ordinarily it would have made her uneasy to have someone else hanging out in her apartment. She surprised herself by realizing that it was actually comforting. She knew she was fine. The surgery had only been minimally invasive. But knowing there was someone else there, if she needed them was kind of nice.

She wasn't feeling a lot of pain. Mostly just discomfort. She knew that there had been three incisions. She still wasn't ready to look at them but she reached up with her right hand to feel. She had been expecting large bandages, but there weren't any. Just what felt like little pieces of tape covering the stitches. The first incision was just below, and to the right of her right collar bone. This was where they had placed the port where she would receive the chemotherapy. Below the stitches she could feel a bump where the port actually was.

The second incision was on the outside of her left breast, where the tumor had been removed. The third was under her left arm. This is where they had performed what was called a lymph node dissection. She knew that they only did this procedure if the sentinel node, the lymph node closest to the tumor, was found to be positive. She would have to wait to find out if any of the other nodes had been positive.

She was hungry, and she had to pee. It was time to get out of bed and make some baby steps toward facing the world again.

Entering her living room, she found Alex Cabot sprawled out on her couch.

"It looks like a funeral parlor in here." Olivia blurted out.

"Yeah, I don't think you're coworkers got together on the get-well gifts. There are at least four floral arrangements, two bunches of balloons, and one big stuffed gorilla, all from the 16th precinct." Alex pointed out.

Olivia looked at the gorilla with a grimace, "Gimme." Taking the stuffed animal, Olivia sat down on the couch with a sigh, hugging the gorilla to her chest.

"Can I get anything for you?"

"I'm fine, Alex."

She had expected the I'm fine response. "Olivia, I know you don't want me here. You want to be strong, independent. But I'm staying the night. I'm going to be over-protective, and I'm going to hover. I'm going to make sure you take your pain meds, eat something, and get your rest."

Olivia grinned and rested her chin on the gorilla's head. Alex had gone into lawyer mode and was pacing back and forth across the room. The counselor had prepared an opening argument for her. This was excellent.

"What's happening to you could happen to any of us. It could happen to me. I'm only doing for you what I think I would want you to do for me."

"I hope I never have to return the favor."

The two women smiled at each other. "Wanna order a pizza?" Olivia asked.

A couple of hours later, the two women had made a decent attack on the pizza and Olivia was now stretched out on the couch "resting her eyes."