"I didn't authorize any of this, Harley," said Dr. Leland, looking around the Rec Room at the decorations. A big sign above the door read Happy Birthday, Puddin'! and streamers hung from the ceiling. There was food all along the table, and a giant, six-foot purple cake in the center of the room.
"But you didn't not authorize it, huh, Joan?" asked Harley, smiling at her.
"I didn't know you were planning it," retorted Dr. Leland. "I should probably shut it down…"
"But…but you won't do that, Joan, not after me and Red worked so hard on it," stammered Harley. "And Mr. J deserves a party for being the best guy in the whole world. And he ain't never had a birthday party. It'd be mean to get his hopes up like that and then dash 'em. And you ain't mean, are ya, Joan?" she asked, hopefully.
Dr. Leland sighed. "I'm doubling the guard outside," she muttered. "If there is the slightest whiff of an escape attempt, they're in here with the tranquilizer guns. Got it?"
"Sure thing, Joan!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "Aw, you're the greatest! We'll save you a piece of cake!"
"Did you make it?" asked Dr. Leland, studying the cake.
"Yeah," said Harley, proudly. "And the best part is, it's hollow on the inside, so I'm gonna jump out of it at puddin' when he gets here! I did all the decorations by myself too. Victor was meant to make an ice sculpture, but he didn't come through in the end," she sighed. "Some people are just no fun."
"Well, in that case, don't bother saving me cake, Harley," said Dr. Leland. "I'm not really hungry. I'll be in my office."
"You can stay for the party if you wanna, Joan," said Harley.
Dr. Leland looked around at the inmates and smiled. "No, that's ok, Harley. I have some…uh…work I need to do anyway."
Dr. Leland left the room, just as Harley heard whistling from down the hall. "All right, everybody, hide!" she hissed. "He's coming!"
She flicked off the lights. A few moments later, the Joker entered the room, flipping them back on.
"Surprise!" shouted Harley, leaping out from the cake covered in frosting. It immediately collapsed.
"What? This is today?" asked Joker, looking genuinely surprised. "But we planned this for Friday, pooh…"
"I know, puddin', but I wanted to surprise you!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "And you should see the look on your face!"
"I wanted to do this on Friday," repeated Joker.
"But…then it wouldn't have been a surprise, puddin'…" began Harley slowly.
"My show's on right now. I don't wanna miss it," said Joker.
"Well…can't you just watch it later, puddin'?" asked Harley, slowly. "I mean, everyone's here for the party…"
Joker sighed heavily. "Guess I'll have to record it," he muttered, picking up the remote control and pressing a few buttons. "All right, let's get this party started," he sighed, looking around. "You already ruined my cake, you dumb blonde. Where are the party hats?"
Harley looked confused. "Party…hats?"
"Yeah. You can't have a party without party hats," snapped Joker.
"I…I couldn't get ahold of those, puddin'…"
"Jesus Christ, Harley, can't you do anything right?" demanded Joker. "I specifically requested party hats! And where's my ice sculpture?"
"Victor didn't do one…"
"I told you, Harley, I only sculpt Nora," retorted Freeze.
"Yeah, and where is she, then, Victor?" demanded Harley.
"She is not to be put on display for your amusement…" began Freeze, angrily.
"Not my amusement, dummy, puddin's!" shouted Harley. "Never mind, Mr. J, we can still have fun, huh?"
Joker looked around at the guests and grinned. "We sure can, Harley. Hi, Harvey, thanks for coming! You still having visions?"
"Not as many, no," replied Two-Face.
"Good, good," said Joker, smiling at him. "Wanna make sure you're seeing straight today, don't we?" he chuckled "And Pammie, you're looking foxy as ever!" he said, smiling at Ivy. "I can see why all the guys wanna water your garden! How about a birthday hug?" he asked, holding out his arms.
"Don't touch me," hissed Ivy, backing away.
"And there's my main man, Johnny Crane!" laughed Joker, grinning. "Guess you really are a man now, huh? It's about time, I must say!"
"I…don't know what you mean," stammered Crane.
"You will soon, Johnny," said Joker, winking at him. "Everyone will soon," he chuckled.
"All right, everyone, quiet down!" shouted Harley, across the silent room. "As you all know, today is Mr. J's…birthday. We don't know how old he is…we don't even know if today is his actual birthday. But I do know that I love him, and nothing else matters but that. Happy birthday, puddin'," she cooed, kissing him.
"Yeah, yeah, thanks," said Joker, reaching inside his jacket. "Speech time now, right?"
"Not yet, puddin'," said Harley, holding up a glass. "We ain't got any alcohol in here…"
"Oh, I think Pammie might have got hold of some, huh?" interrupted Joker, smiling at her. "I mean, she'd have to be drunk, wouldn't she?"
Ivy stared at him. "How do you…"
"Well, Red didn't tell me that she had some alcohol," interrupted Harley. "So we're gonna have to toast with water. Everybody got a glass?"
She raised her own. "On this day…some years ago, my puddin' was born…maybe. And if that ain't a cause for celebration, I dunno what is. And maybe later the birthday boy can celebrate by eating a slice of Harley cake, huh, puddin'?" she asked, grinning.
Joker just looked at her. "God, you're pathetic," he sighed.
"I love you too, puddin'," said Harley, kissing him. "Here's to my puddin', who's…"
"Old," interrupted Two-Face.
"He's not old!" shrieked Harley. "In fact, he ain't never had a birthday before, which makes him younger than you, Harvey!"
"I'm also younger than Johnny Crane," said Joker, smiling. "Which means I may have a shot with Pammie, which is obviously something you ain't got, Harvey."
Two-Face glared at him, while Ivy grew even more uncomfortable. "Everyone, to puddin'," said Harley, raising her glass.
Nobody echoed the toast. Joker studied the silent room, smiling, and then removed some notecards from his jacket.
"Y'know, this is really touching, guys," he said. "I mean it, so thoughtful. My heart is so full right now, and I've prepared a short speech for the occasion. Just a few words I'd like to say."
He cleared his throat and read, "Dear Harvey, Johnny Crane boned your girlfriend. Thank you."
He sat down, as everyone's stunned gaze shifted to Crane and Ivy. "Oh…my God," stammered Crane.
Two-Face gaped from him to Ivy. "No," he murmured. "No, that's not true. Pammie, it's not true, is it? Tell me it's…not true."
"Harvey, it's…not what you think," began Ivy, slowly.
"Is what he said true?!" demanded Two-Face, suddenly furious.
"I was…drunk and…I don't remember it very well…but…yes," said Ivy, looking at the floor. "Yes, yes, it is."
Two-Face slowly turned to face Crane, who looked terrified. "I…am…going…to…kill…" Two-Face began, enunciating every word.
"It wasn't his fault, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.
"Then whose fault was it, Pammie?!" Two-Face shouted, rounding on her.
She glared back at him. "Yours," she murmured. "For not telling me you were still in love with me. For treating me with contempt and indifference every day because you were too afraid to tell me how you feel. Well, this is what happens when you let fear control your life, Harvey. You lose things. You lose everything that's important to you. And you've lost me, Harvey. You've lost me, Harvey. You've lost me, Harvey…"
"Harvey? Harvey? Mr. Dent? Can you hear me?" said a familiar voice.
Two-Face opened his eyes to see Jonathan Crane bending over him. Crane let out a sigh of relief. "Well, he's awake, anyway. Lucky thing I had an antidote on me. Mr. Dent, I am so sorry…"
Two-Face suddenly punched him hard in the face. "That's for sleeping with Ivy!" he shouted.
"For…what?" stammered Crane, holding his jaw.
Two-Face sat up slowly, looking around. He had been lying on the floor of the Rec Room, where Freeze, Joker, Harley, and Ivy were all staring at him. Then he noticed the tunnel they had dug under the sofa, which was still there. The guards hadn't busted their break-out attempt. He had obviously lost consciousness just after Crane had sprayed him with the fear gas. But that meant…everything since then had not been real.
Two-Face turned to face Crane again, confused. "You…slept with Ivy," he said.
"I most certainly did not!" retorted Crane. "And I can assure you, I would never do such a thing! The woman's not my type – far too antagonistic. No offense to you, Pamela."
"None taken, Johnny," she retorted, glaring at Two-Face with arms folded across her chest. "Although I am a little offended by you, Harvey. In just what reality would I actually sleep with Johnny?"
"Uh…well…you were drunk," said Two-Face.
Ivy laughed. "I could never be that drunk," she retorted.
"Thank you, Pamela," muttered Crane, sulkily. "That's certainly boosted my self-image. But this is obviously some irrational fear of yours, Mr. Dent…"
"Some extremely irrational fear," added Ivy.
"Yes, thank you, Pamela," muttered Crane. "But your exposure to my fear toxin has brought it to light. Whatever you think you experienced, it wasn't real."
"But…but you told Tetch that you…" began Two-Face.
"Jervis isn't even in here at the moment," retorted Crane.
"He's not?" said Two-Face. "But…why was he in my fear vision?"
"Obviously because you're scared of him," replied Crane.
"I don't blame you, Harvey, he creeps me out too," said Joker, nodding. "Him and his fondness for kiddies, it's just not right."
"Alice is twenty-seven," retorted Crane.
"Hey, that's my age!" exclaimed Harley.
"Yeah, but he's like double that," said Joker. "It's still creepy for a guy as old as he is to want a gal that young. He's obviously some sort of pervert."
Crane looked from Joker to Harley, and then sighed. "Yes, well, be that as it may, I'm glad there was no permanent damage done from the fear gas I accidentally sprayed at you, Mr. Dent," he said, turning back to Two-Face. "I would like to apologize for anything disturbing which you experienced, and I only hope you can allow yourself to forget what you saw."
"I'm not…sure that's such a good idea, Johnny," said Two-Face, slowly. "I mean…a lot of it was horrible, but…y'know…some good can come of being afraid," he murmured, gazing at Ivy. He cleared his throat and took her hand. "Would you excuse us, please?" he asked, pulling her out of the room.
"Harvey, we're trying to organize a break out, for God's sake!" hissed Ivy. "We don't have time for…"
"There are more important things," interrupted Two-Face. "And…talking to you is one of them."
"What are you…"
"I'm in love with you, Pam," murmured Two-Face. "I always have been, since the moment I first met you. And my feelings haven't changed, even after all the time that's passed since we went out. My biggest fear when I was under the gas was losing you to someone else. That's what the whole Johnny Crane thing was about. It may be improbable with him, but it's not improbable that you'll find someone else to be with. And I don't want that to happen, Pam. I want you to be with me again. And even if…you don't share my feelings, I think it's important that you know they're there. I was afraid to tell you before. I'm not now."
Ivy gazed at him. "Oh…Harvey…I'm really flattered, but…" she began.
"No, it's fine," he interrupted. "You don't have to say it. No good sentence ever begins with 'I'm flattered, but…'"
"No, I mean it," she murmured. "I am flattered. It's a long time to be carrying a torch for someone."
"You ain't…carrying a torch for me, are you?" he asked quietly.
"I…care about you, Harvey…" she murmured.
"You don't love me, though?" he asked.
She looked at him steadily. "I do love you," she whispered. "But…we just don't work together, Harvey. We have similar goals and aspirations, I mean, kill the Bat, rule Gotham, that kinda thing, but our methods of going about them are way too different. We'd always be fighting each other when we weren't fighting the Bat. Besides, I'm not ready to settle down, and I don't think you are either. You'll probably find someone else by the time you are."
"But…if I don't," said Two-Face, slowly. "And if you don't…I mean…you know I'll always be here for you, Pammie."
Ivy grinned. "So you're asking me to form one of those pacts with you? If neither of us finds someone else in twenty years, that kinda thing?"
"Yeah. Let's give it twenty years. I think my torch will still be burning then," said Two-Face, nodding.
Ivy smiled, and then kissed him tenderly. "It's a deal, Harvey," she whispered. She took his hand. "Now, c'mon. We got an escape attempt to…"
The Joker was suddenly thrown through the wall. "Aw, c'mon, Victor, that's no way to be!" he called, straightening up from the rubble as the guards came running. "All I said was that your wife was hot enough that I'd do her even when she's frozen! It was a compliment!"
"God dammit, J, the escape plan's ruined, and it's is all your fault!" shrieked Ivy as the guards seized hold of them.
"Hey, don't blame me, Pammie – Victor started the fight," laughed Joker.
"Only because you provoked him!" shouted Ivy. "You're such a bastard, J! I hate you!"
"Guess that'll teach you to make escape plans without me, huh, Pammie?" chuckled Joker as he was dragged off.
"Well, at least Joker ruining the escape attempt wasn't an irrational fear," sighed Two-Face as he was led back to his cell. He sat thinking for a while, and then said to the guards, "Hey, you think maybe I can have a phone call?"
Two-Face was led to the phone under heavy escort. He picked it up and dialled a number. "Hello?" said a voice on the other end.
"Hi…Bruce. It's Harvey," stammered Two-Face. "Can we…talk?"
There was silence on the other end for a moment, and Two-Face felt the fear wash over him again. "Of course we can, Harvey," murmured Bruce Wayne, quietly. "Anytime, you know that."
Two-Face let out a sigh of relief. "Great," he murmured, sincerely. "Great. Thanks, Bruce. You're a…good friend. My best friend. I mean that."
"So what's on your mind?" asked Bruce.
Two-Face sighed. "You got a couple hours to hear all about it, Bruce?"
"Of course," retorted Bruce. "I'm always here to listen."
Two-Face beamed. "Can we talk about…Harvey Dent?" he asked, quietly.
"Sure. Great guy," murmured Bruce.
"Yeah, maybe," agreed Two-Face, staring at his coin. He flipped it, and it landed on the good side. "Maybe…he isn't so bad after all."
The End
