Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property ofBuffaloPictures. I own nothing except my over active imagination.
A Liberated Woman
Chapter 7
Phil was a member of the Portwenn cricket team, as were most of the young men in the village. Thursday evening was practice night and it was always, without fail, followed by a drinking session in the pub. On the Thursday evening before our wedding, Phil set off as usual, picked up this week by his best friend Ted Nugent, who was going to be his best man. They took Uncle Dick along with them too, and I think he was really looking forward to his evening out with the lads. It seemed to have been decided unanimously that in view of Phil's impending nuptials, this week they would skip the practice session and just head straight for the pub to get down to the serious business of marking the end of Phil's bachelor status. Luckily the usual Sunday cricket match on the green would not be disrupted too much by our wedding on Saturday, and they would manage just fine without Phil for this week while he was away on his honeymoon, even if he was their best bowler.
"We're going to give him a bit of a send-off this evening as it's his last week as a single man, before he ties the knot like. But don't you worry my love, I'll look after him and make sure he gets back safe and sound so as he'll be just fine for the wedding," Ted assured me. Phil would be spending the night before our wedding at Ted's house, because of course everyone knew that it would be very bad luck if we were to see each other on the morning of our wedding.
"Have a good time, but don't get too pickled, we've still got a farm to run tomorrow," I warned them as they set off. I really didn't mind him going out at all, Phil always worked very hard, so it was good for him to let his hair down once in a while. And as Ted had said – this was to be his last chance as a single man.
"Don't worry, I'll just have my usual couple of pints, I've no intention of getting drunk, so I expect I'll be back around the usual time," Phil promised as they left. He usually returned around 10:30 pm from the Thursday night sessions.
So I happily spent a productive evening, cooking up some extra meals and soups for Uncle Dick to have while we were away on our honeymoon – we were going for a long weekend to a B & B in Newquay - not too far away, but far enough to feel that we were actually on holiday.
When it got to 11:00 pm, I decided that I might as well go to bed. I wasn't too worried – they were all grown men after all, and Ted had promised to look after Phil.
I was awoken in the early hours of the morning by the sound of the front door slamming, and men's voices.
"Ssssh! You sshhouldn't have sshhlammed it, I told you we 'ad to be quiet, didn't I?" I recognised Ted's slurred voice.
"Come on lads, easy does it, let's get him inside now," said a voice that I didn't immediately recognise.
"No, mustn't wake my luvverlly Joan, she'll be asshhleep, and I don't want to make her crosshh, cos I really do love her you know," hiccupped my Phil.
"Yea, we know, you've been telling us that all bloody evening," Ted replied, giggling and guffawing.
"That's right, all evening long son, so yea, we do know how much you love her," echoed Uncle Dick, now giggling too.
I could stand it no more, I had to go and see what was going on, so I got up, put my dressing gown on and marched downstairs.
I was met by the sight of PC Cyril Metcalfe, the local village bobby, holding up Phil and trying to manoeuvre him through the house, supposedly being helped but actually being hindered by Ted and Uncle Dick. Clearly all three men were all completely smashed.
"What on earth…?" I stuttered.
"Joan! Oh my daarrrling Joan, I love you, I love you sshho much…" Phil lurched towards me as he saw me, and almost fell on top of me. I nearly passed out from the alcoholic fumes that hit me, especially when he belched very loudly. Luckily PC Metcalfe still had hold of him and managed to keep him upright.
"Upsy daisy, there we go, steady on lover boy," he said, as he managed to guide him onto the settee.
"Philip Norton, you are completely sloshed!" I scolded him, as Ted and Uncle Dick collapsed into a fit of giggles at my reaction, like a pair of naughty school boys.
"Don' be angry wiv me Joan, I'm not really drunk, cos I only 'ad a couple. Come here and give me a kisshh eh?" Phil held out his arms and puckered up his lips, as he closed his eyes.
"He may 'ave only 'ad a couple of pints, but he didn't know wot else was in 'em did he?" chortled Ted. Clearly the lads had doctored his drinks.
"Very funny Ted. Thought you were meant to be looking after him?" I turned to look accusingly at Ted and Uncle Dick.
"Aw, don't be like that, it's just a bit of harmless fun," Uncle Dick protested.
"Yea, don't get yer knickers in a twist," Ted joined in, collapsing in giggles again.
"So how come the long arm of the law has got involved then?" I demanded to know, looking at PC Metcalfe for a coherent explanation.
"I was out on my rounds when I came across them still in the pub well after last orders. They reckoned they were having a lock in with the Landlord, but I decided that they'd had enough and that it was about time they made their way back home. Course none of them were in a fit state to drive, so I brought them back here in the police van. I could have arrested them on a whole string of charges; but seeing as our young Phil here is about to get married, I decided to use my discretion and turn a blind eye this time. No real harm done," he explained to me.
"That's very decent of you, thanks," I replied gratefully.
"Joan, my bootiful sshhexy Joan, I love you sshho much. An…an you know what? You got the best pair o' tits I've ever seen, tremendous they are…" Phil slurred at me, with a silly smirch across his face.
"Phil! For goodness sake!" I exclaimed, highly embarrassed.
"Wot? Only telling the truth, aren't I? And a right sshhexy arse you got too, you're really…womanly Joan, and once we're wed, I can't wait to…" Phil was now attempting to make certain gestures with his arm to indicate just exactly what he had in mind.
"Philip Norton, will you just shut up and be quiet!" I bellowed at him, mortified. I could feel myself blushing in front of the policeman, as Ted collapsed laughing again.
"Certainly champing at the bit in't he, eh love? Been going on all evening 'bout you and your…erm…attributes shall we say," Ted chortled, finding it all highly amusing.
Even PC Metcalfe couldn't help himself, he was sniggering too, clearly highly amused to see such out of character behaviour from Phil, who never normally spoke in such a crude way, but the alcohol had certainly loosened his tongue tonight, much to my chagrin.
"So, do you want a hand to get lover boy here upstairs?" PC Metcalfe offered, looking at Phil who was lying crashed out on the settee, thankfully only muttering under his breath now.
"No, I think he might as well just crash there for the night, but maybe you could give my Uncle a hand to get upstairs?" I suggested.
"I don't need any help, I'm not drunk at all," Uncle Dick piped up rather offended, but his innocence of the accusations was belied by the fact that he was swaying on his feet.
"Come on then Dick, I'll just make sure you get up them stairs before I run Ted home," PC Metcalfe said, as he firmly guided Uncle Dick towards the staircase, raising his eyebrows as he smiled over at me.
Before PC Metcalfe left to take Ted home, I found my self apologising to him.
"I am so sorry your time has been wasted, Phil's not normally like this at all," I assured him.
"Oh don't worry, I know Phil's a decent young man, it's just the booze talking, and believe me I've seen and heard far worse. On my stag night, my so-called mates from the force left me handcuffed to a railing near Lands End – half naked. I'll let you guess which half was naked - good job I was wearing a shirt long enough to cover me dignity is all I'm saying about that. Bloody freezing it was too, and they didn't come to get me until half way through the following morning neither cos they was so hung over. So I wouldn't worry too much about me laddo here in his cups letting his tongue run away with him. I don't expect he'll recall any of this in the morning," PC Metcalfe said, as he now guided Ted towards the door.
"Hehe, but we're not gonna forget wot he said," Ted chimed in, ignoring the black look I gave him as he left.
I went and got a blanket to put over Phil on the settee, and then removed his shoes, leaning over to cover him up as he lay there now snoring gently, when he suddenly revived and opened his eyes.
"Oh Joan, my gorgeousshh sshhexy Joan, come 'ere, cosshh I love you..." he mumbled as he grabbed me, and pulled me down to try to kiss me. Luckily the alcohol overcame him once more, and he dropped back onto the settee again to start gently snoring. I managed to extricate myself from his grip and then left him to it as I made my way back up to my bed.
xXx
I took great pleasure the next morning in clattering around in the kitchen as I prepared the usual cooked breakfast at the usual time of 7:00 am. I looked up to see Phil standing very sheepishly in the kitchen doorway, looking decidedly worse for wear – his eyes were blood shot, he needed a shave, and he looked terrible. I'd already looked in on Uncle Dick on my way down – he was still fast asleep, and probably would be for some time to come by the looks of him.
"Alka seltzer tablets and a glass of water on the table," I told him, pointing to them, as I vigorously scraped the pan of scrambled eggs I was making, and I saw Phil wince at the noise. He sat down at the table without a word, and then held his head in his hands.
"Don't expect any sympathy from me, not when it's self inflicted," I warned him.
"Wasn't my fault. They must've put something in my pint of beer," he managed to croak out.
"Hmm. More fool you for not noticing then eh?"
However, I decided that how he felt this morning was punishment enough for the poor man, and maybe it would teach him not to trust his so called 'mates' in quite the same way again. And at least he had time to recover before our wedding on Saturday.
