"I never lied to you, Nick. You have to know that" Zoe began, biting her lip softly. Even Nick didn't know her darkest secrets and she didn't really feel like spilling them now.
Nick wrapped his arm around Zoe, pulling her close to his chest "It's ok" he encouraged.
"No it's not" the tears began to spill down her face as she spoke "I really was pregnant, do you remember the patient with the pacemaker who'd been taking cocaine?" she asked not waiting for a response, he probably didn't but that day stuck out clearly in her mind. "You just asked me, well told me I was marrying you the day before" she gave a watery chuckle "I was so happy and we were having a baby. I just wanted to tell everyone. I hadn't been pregnant for as long as you thought but I was pregnant" she let out a huge breath she'd been holding, feeling like the weight of the lie's she told were finally being lifted. "Anyway, a week later I fainted in the staffroom, you remember? Kirsty found me, when I came around Adam said I had bumped my head but it was the pain in my stomach that worried me more. I was lying on my front when they found me, but no one knew I was pregnant, well not until I threw up anyway" she reached for Nick's hand grasping it tightly in hers as she continued her story "Kirsty had found the hormone injections, she thought I was faking being pregnant. She didn't give me a chance to explain I wasn't using them anymore, so I didn't get a chance to tell her I landed on my stomach when I fell" she looked at Nick, at the tears in his eyes and sighed, she knew he blamed himself but it wasn't his fault the blame was one hundred percent hers. "I don't blame you Nick, don't blame yourself" she added. "When I went home that night, you were working late. It was actually in your apartment, that's where we were living at the time but when I got undressed for bed... there was blood. I was bleeding Nick, and I was so scared but I told myself there wasn't a lot and it was normal. I just wish I'd told you, but you were so happy and I didn't want you to leave me. How ironic" she joked through her tears. "The night on the JAFFA awards, I went for the scan and I prayed to myself that there was still a baby inside me, but there wasn't, it was just empty and I felt like a part of me had broken" She looked up at him, waiting for him to interrupt but he sat there quietly waiting for her to finish "You'll never know how sorry I am, or how much I wanted things to be ok. I really never meant to hurt you" she whispered.
"Oh, darling. I wish you'd said something, maybe then I could have helped you. We could have fixed it, together. You should have called me the moment you knew you were bleeding" he pulled her close, rocking her as she cried. She cried for their relationship, for their baby and for all the lies she'd told.
"That's the thing" Zoe whispered into his chest, not wanting to continue her tale.
"Go on" Nick urged, running is hand back and forth across her back.
"There wasn't that much blood and I... I've had miscarriages before and there was always so much blood and I was in agony with those" she mumbled, feeling a fresh set of tears blur her eyes.
"With me?" Nick asked, trying to figure out just how much Zoe hadn't told him.
"Yes" Zoe admitted fearfully, not wanting to see his reaction. She didn't let him get a word in as she finished her story "I've had four miscarriages; two with you – including the one before we split up the second time. One when I was with Sean, that was an accident and the other when I had just left medical school, I was working at a hospital in Leeds."
"Tell me about them" Nick urged "You need to talk about these things" he tried to comfort her.
Zoe sighed "Fine, but there's a bottle of tequila in my kitchen and I think we might need it after this" she laughed, glad she was finally getting the chance to talk.
"Start at the beginning" Nick encouraged.
"I... the first time, I'd barely qualified as a doctor I was working on a ward in Leeds and I was good, I was a brilliant doctor, everyone said so. Anyway, I hadn't been there long and my senior consultant took me out for a drink. Eventually, we began a relationship, it was my first ever affair and I felt terrible. I'd met his wife and she was such a lovely person. We hadn't been seeing each other long but we'd had sex numerous times, anywhere we could. Eventually, the sickness started and I knew immediately what was wrong. I told him, hoping he'd be supportive and do you know what he done? The bastard hit me, as hard as he could and I went tumbling into his desk. The only thing he said to me was 'You're a stupid bitch' so I went home, quit right there and then. It was three days before the pain started and then I was bleeding; there was so much blood I passed out and woke up in hospital when my flatmate found me, I was only twenty two. They thought I was a battered wife, I had so many bruises but I just left, discharged myself and went to London" she finished the first part of her story, looking for Nick's reaction.
Nick kissed Zoe gently "It's ok" he confirmed "keep going"
"I lived in London, without any problems for nearly seven years before I got caught shagging my boss, again. By then I'd already been offered the job in Holby and I was already seeing Sean, we'd been together about six months when I found out I was pregnant. I never told him though, a week later I found out he was married to Jessica and we argued, like no argument I'd ever had. I even threw an ashtray at is head. He left, later that night I called him a scumbag and told him I never wanted to see him again. I didn't even notice I was bleeding until I was in the bath and the water turned crimson; that was the second baby I'd lost. I had gotten myself knocked up, by another scumbag but I would still have loved my child. More than anything in the world" again, she looked for reassurance from Nick, who looked slightly shell shocked. She decided it was best to continue her story "A couple of months later you pitched up at the hospital and I knew that I wanted you. It seems I have a thing about sleeping with the boss" she tried to joke. "It was just after my thirty second birthday, and Sharice had just gone to live with her grandparents when we slept together in your office. We never used a condom, I wasn't even thinking about that at the time. I got pregnant again though and I vowed I'd take it easy and once I got to twelve weeks I'd tell you. If you didn't want anything to do with it; that would have been fine too but deep down I knew you weren't like that. Nothing brought this one on, it wasn't as painful as the other two but I'd failed again. In ten years I'd had three miscarriages and that's when I decided to go to the gynaecologist. She told me there was too much scarring on my womb for a baby to implant properly; she said it was probably the first one that had done it. I just keep thinking how different my life would be if I hadn't told Steven I was pregnant; I'd have a teenager by now but I'd never have met you. Anyway, you know the story of the fourth one." She finished her story, allowing nick to pull her even closer to him. "I've had such a messed up life" she mused "Zoe – I've slept with half of the NHS – Hanna. That's what'll be put on my gravestone" she tried to joke.
"None of that was your fault" Nick admonished her jokes "You've got me now and even if we never have children, I will always love you" he pulled her back to his as he lay down.
"I'm just sorry I never told you before" Zoe admitted "I think we should get married soon" She spoke softly, trying to get rid of the croak in her voice from telling her story though tears "I'm almost thirty eight, and neither of us are going to get younger" she laughed. "I love you" she whispered as they closed their eyes.
Nick squeezed her waist reassuringly "mm, I love you too" He agreed.
