Time passed and they spent most of their time together. They always got so far sexually, and when John's hand would brush his upper thigh or around the waist of his boxers, he'd freeze. He knew John knew as he always backed off and moved his touching. He wanted to please John and he wanted to give him all of him, but he couldn't do it. He was comfortable with him but was still very self-conscious. His main worry was would he be able to do it without too much pain, or even be able to perform at all? It had been a long time and these worries caused many problems.

He never addressed it with John but kept it to himself; he would only deal with it if John brought it up or it got to be too much.

He woke one morning and rolled over looking at John. He felt he was wasting John's life; he clearly needed so much more and could do so much better than him. He felt John roll over and stretch. "You awake?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." he replied.

John put his arm over Finch, he felt wrong and quickly stretched; "I need a shower." he said and got up.

"Don't I get a morning kiss?"

Finch sat on the bed and gave John a quick peck.

"Is that it?"

Finch stood and said, "Yes," then walked to the bathroom. He showered not feeling better and just wishing he could go back to bed and wake up again; he hated this feeling. He went back in the bedroom to dress and saw John was fully awake.

"I want to take you for breakfast."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"I don't feel great…"

"That's all right; just have breakfast with me...please."

"Yes of course."

"Good, I'll shower and then we can go."

Finch nodded and sat on the bed to put on his clothes as John walked out.

On the way, Finch was highly self-conscious of himself and just wanted to curl up and hide, but John seemed his cool, calm self. While walking with him he realised how much attention John got from men and women alike; some very young, attractive and clearly more able than him. Why did John waste his time with him? Why didn't he find himself a normal partner? It played on his mind endlessly.

"You ok?" asked John sweetly.

"No, I feel very ill."

"Okay, well, just have tea with me then."

"Yes, okay."

While he sat having his tea he was even aware then of the attention John got. At first it made him first feel angry, then jealous and then bad. He quickly drank his tea wanting to leave.

"I'm going to go. I'll call if I get a number."

"You sure you're ok?" John asked reaching for his hand.

Finch quickly withdrew it, "We're in public."

"So? You're my partner."

Finch just stood and walked out without a word.

He wanted to cry; he was John's partner but he shouldn't be, he couldn't be what John wanted or needed -but he needed him- he was his sanity. He hailed a cab home and cried the whole way; he never cried but he wasn't crying for him, he was crying for John and the loss of all the people who would love John and give him what he wanted. He got home and fell into bed; he remained there all day and into the next. John called and text but he couldn't reply or talk to him; he felt bad for ignoring him, but it was for the best. With luck John would grow tired and leave him, but that wasn't what he wanted, not really.

He lay in bed when a knock came at the door; he lay silent as he heard the door open followed by some talking and then nothing. He guessed it was security; they're not used to him being at this home. Then he felt the bed behind him move, he rolled and saw...

"John? What are you doing here?"

"Stop asking questions and kiss me." said John moving in.

"No, I won't." he said getting out of the bed and almost falling over.

"Won't what? Stop asking questions?"

"I won't kiss you."

John looked at him, clearly confused, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just go…"

"No, I'm not going. You've ignored me for almost two days. You tell me your ill and going home and then I hear nothing. I was worried about you. Yes I've invaded your private home but tough, I'm your partner."

"But you shouldn't be."

"What?"

"You shouldn't be my partner."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it…"

"No Finch, you don't drop that on me and then not explain."

Finch walked over and looked out the window, tears falling down his cheeks. He heard John move, hoping it was away, but then he felt John behind him. He wrapped his arms around Finch's middle, and the contact made him feel worse, his crying turned to a sob.

"Finch, please, what's wrong? What did I do?"

Finch couldn't speak.

"Shall I go?" John asked.

Finch nodded.

"I'll be back. I am not leaving this topic." John said as he kissed Finch's neck then left.

Finch heard the door open then close, "I love you…" he said into the silence. He sat back on his bed. He knew what John wanted and needed, but he was frustrated and he would need money to fix it. He got out his cell and transferred one hundred dollars to John's account followed by sending him a text.

'John, I know what you need. You'll find $100 in your account, go get it. Sorry I can't give you what you need.'

Once sent the tears started falling down his face again. He didn't want anyone else to have John, but he couldn't satisfy him. His cell went off from receiving a text.

'What do I need that will cost $100?'

What could he reply? 'What I can't give you. Go to a bar or red district. Find someone young and worth your energy.' No reply came and he slumped back on the bed, the tears wouldn't stop falling.