She's not even excited when she learns about her callback the next week.
No matter how much Santana tries to tell Rachel that everything's going to be alright, the brunette doesn't feel the desire to leave Santana's room, and instead locks herself inside and watches all of the romantic comedies Santana's brought in for her.
Rachel can't understand how Finn can love someone like Quinn Fabray. Ever since the day she met the blonde, Quinn's never seemed like a very nice person. She seems like she's full of hatred and anger for the world, and instead of taking care of it in a healthy manner, she takes it out on the people she likes the least in her life – and in this case, Rachel fits the criteria to be picked on. She has an ice glare and she knows how to make Rachel feel like no one cares about her when she does so much as walk past her, and Rachel doesn't understand how she does it. For someone who could be a lovely girl, she isn't.
It causes her to be afraid of going to see Finn anymore. She used to ask Santana if she would drive her to Finn's and lie and say that she was going to talk to Kurt, blessing every lucky star she was ever born under that Finn and Kurt were stepbrothers. Kurt would style her hair and page through magazines with her, trying to find what color palette looked the best with her complexion, and Rachel would stare at Finn from the dining room table, watching him as he kept his eyes glued to the television set, not sure if he noticed her gazing or not. Sometimes she did; wanting his eyes to catch hers and make her blush wildly and cause him to come over to her and interrupt her dress session with Kurt to talk to her and make that same face every time he was impressed by some nugget from her past came up in discussion, making Rachel grin from ear to ear, and sometimes she didn't, wanting him just to see her eyes flutter after he looked at her and leave some kind of mystery between them. Rachel's had enough of stoking their friendship, however. She wants so much more than just being Finn's friend.
Quinn Fabray seems to be the only person standing in her way. Although Santana continues to tell her that no one would acre if she did it, Rachel can't become the other woman in Finn's life. It would be immoral and she knows it would hurt her so much, watching Finn's relationship with Quinn crumble into shambles all because of her. Besides, Finn seems so happy with Quinn. Every time she goes to the Hudson-Hummel house for dinner as a guest and Quinn just so happens to be there, all Finn can do is hold onto the blonde's hand and press kisses to her temple and make Rachel feel that horrible, familiar pang of guilt in her stomach. The same pang of guilt that tells her that she'll never be good enough for Finn.
:.:.:
"Hey," Santana tells Rachel one afternoon, walking into her bedroom to find the brunette curled up on her bed, still in her pajamas that Santana's leant her. Rachel hasn't found a pair of pajamas that she's liked yet at Victoria's Secret, no matter how many times Santana takes her. She thinks they're all too frilly and skimpy and far too revealing for something as simple as nightwear.
Rachel sobs to herself and turns her head to the television screen. She's watching Moulin Rouge today, a fresh box of tissues by her side to wipe her eyes with. Santana gives an eye roll and walks over to the television set, flipping it off.
"Hey!" Rachel exclaims, sitting up in bed. "Santana, I was watching that."
Santana grumbles something in Spanish and stands in front of the TV set, hands on her hips. "Look, Rachel, I'm sick and tired of you moping around the house all day, alright? I want to watch something on TV, anyway. They've got some Maury special on this afternoon that I want to watch." Rachel looks at Santana, eyes laced with sadness and worry.
"I'm not leaving," she protests, feeling new tears spring to her eyes. "Quinn wouldn't leave, so I'm not leaving, and-"
"Oh my God, will you just end it with that shit?" Santana paces around for a moment, muttering words in Spanish that Rachel feels are curse words. Santana seems to enjoy using foul language and part of it is rather comical, but not now. Now it just makes her feel worse about everything that's happened. Everything she's done has been for nothing, and she doesn't even know how long it's going to last for. Sometimes Rachel gets upset because she doesn't know when she gets to go home, or if she even wants to go home. She didn't want to at first. This new place, wherever she wanted to call it, seemed a bit better when she had Finn Hudson there to watch over her. She liked having his enormous shadow cast over her, almost like it was a shield. He was her protection while she was here, and she liked it so much, sometimes Rachel felt like she could stay this way forever as long as she had Finn as that constant in her life. Santana and Kurt are great, but there's something about Finn that brings this sunshine into her life that she can't find the right words for. Now, she doesn't know if she needs to stay here any longer – and if she does, she won't enjoy herself and she'll constantly be frightened of whatever obstacle she faces next. She wants Finn right there with her, every step of the way. Someone like Quinn is an unavoidable obstacle in this situation. She doesn't even think that Santana can help her this time around.
"How am I supposed to forget someone like her?" Rachel asks, tears piquing at her eyes. She can feel her voice get lost under her sobs and wants to stop talking, but she can't. Santana seems like the only person she can force to have listen to her. "He loves her, Santana. He loves her and he doesn't love me." She cries, this time curling into a ball on her side as she lays on the bed, resting her face in one of Santana's pillows. Her chest tightens and she begins to feel queasy; her heart beating a million times a minute. "You saw the way she kissed him the other day. He loves her. He'll never love me."
Santana can't believe her eyes or ears, watching Rachel beat herself up over someone as stupid as Finn Hudson. Even back to their sophomore year, when she and Quinn could be considered friends, Santana didn't see the appeal behind dating Finn Hudson. Sure, he was the quarterback of the football team, but he didn't seem like the kind of guy Quinn would want to be dating. She looked like she would end up marrying some kind of Ken doll type and live in Lima the rest of her life with her white picket fence wrapped around her house and her 2.5 children and fake tan that she tried her best to keep up with. The more time Santana spent around Finn, the more down to earth he seemed. He seemed like a likeable person who wouldn't be caught dead dating Quinn Fabray.
"Rachel," Santana says, walking towards her bed and sitting on the corner of it. Santana thinks back to all of the times she's been in the same position as Rachel; crying on her bed with her mother sitting on the corner, rubbing her back and telling her that everything's going to work out for the better. Only with Rachel, Santana isn't sure if things actually are going to work out the way she wants them to. The way both of them want to, if she's being completely honest with herself. She needs to tell Rachel all about Quinn and Finn and their past together. It would be unfair for her not to know. Seeing Rachel sob to herself doesn't help, either. It's not the horrible, over the top crying that some people try, either. Although Santana wouldn't put hysterical crying beyond Rachel, it's plain to see that the girl is hurting. She's closed off and quiet, like she doesn't want Santana to see her crying.
"Don't cry, Rach," Santana tells her, shifting over on the bed and sitting closer to the other girl, rubbing her back just like her mother used to do to her. "We don't know if you're an ugly crier or not yet." Santana laughs nervously to herself for a second, unsure if Rachel catches her attempt at a joke – and she doesn't, not bothering to look up from her pillow. Santana sighs and tilts her head down to see Rachel's, pinched and covered in tears. "Look, Rachel, I'm sorry, alright? I really, truly am. But Quinn…" Her voice trails off, sighing for a moment. "Quinn and Finn aren't exactly perfect, alright? She treats him like shit and for the past year or so he's just let her get away with it, and we all felt for him, you know? He didn't deserve to be treated that way, and Quinn treats everyone like that, at least when you first meet her. She's a bitch, but not like how I'm a bitch. She's a bad one." Rachel laughs a bit, tears still rolling down her cheeks. She looks up from Santana's pillow and Santana smiles a bit, glad to see that Rachel isn't completely dead. "Finn's such a nice guy, Rach, and well…" Santana lets her voice trail off for a second, looking at Rachel. "I think you deserve to know everything about them. Both of them."
:.:.:
"Finn and Quinn kind of started getting together at the beginning of our sophomore year – last year. It was after the homecoming game. Finn was the quarterback of the football team, and for some stupid reason Quinn was elected captain of the cheerleading team." Santana rolls her eyes, still bitter over the fact that she was never cheerleading captain. Co-captain, but never captain. Never the title that Quinn Fabray holds. "Anyway, she didn't even know who he was up until the night of that game. She just told me at halftime that she was going to date the captain of the football team now that she was the head cheerleader, and that was it. She thought it would be okay to follow through with that stupid high school cliché that everyone thinks is normal." Rachel watches Santana, reaching for the occasional tissue from the box that Santana's handed her to dab at her eyes.
"So she just started dating him? Just like that?" Santana gives a little shrug and makes a face.
"I guess. Finn had never had a girlfriend before, and Quinn had dated a bunch of guys in middle school or whatever, and he was probably just surprised that someone wanted to date him. I'm not exactly sure." Rachel nods, wanting to let Santana know that she understands. "But yeah, they've been dating since then, but it hasn't all been great. Quinn's the most manipulative person I know, and she likes to try out new ways to scare the shit out of people on Finn. He's like her little punching bag. Whenever Quinn starts to feel like shit, she just takes it out on Finn." Santana feels a lump in her throat and she swallows it, shaking her head a bit. She feels like she's supposed to feel horrible, but she doesn't. Rachel is one of the nicest girls she's met in her entire life – well, nicest next to Brittany, but Brittany's her girlfriend. She doesn't count. There's something about Rachel that is so nice and light and bright, and no one else that she's ever met has that quality. It makes her life so much easier when she's with Rachel, and she loves spending time with her, almost as much as she does spending time with Brittany. Rachel Berry is like a little light that's come to Lima. Santana doesn't know how or exactly why, but she's positivity at a time when she needs it most, and that's really all that matters right now.
Rachel adjusts herself on the bed, drawing her knees up against her chest and holding them close. "So did Finn just start dating her? Just like that?" Santana nods slowly, not looking very pleased.
"He had never had a girlfriend before and he thought that Quinn was this great thing that had just come into his life," she explains plainly. "Finn got this huge surge of popularity and all of a sudden everyone loved him, and Quinn was walking around like she was the next best thing to sliced bread or some shit." Rachel nods, eyes wide. "They walked around school like they owned the place, because they basically did, and it went on until this past year. Finn won us another championship and Quinn was so proud of him, and it basically just went on like it had been. They were just 'more in love with each other.'" Santana rolls her eyes and looks at Rachel, noticing how she doesn't seem as upset as she once was. Maybe telling her all about Finn and Quinn isn't the best idea, but she figures that she has to know at some point in her life. Having all of her unbridled feelings for Finn plaguing her can't feel very good when she sees Quinn hang herself in front of him like she's a piece of meat and stick her tongue down his throat right in front of her. Santana's been in Quinn's position before – and Rachel's. She knows how to play the game, but more importantly, she knows how to win.
Rachel feels herself pink as Santana's eyes fall on her, looking down at her lap and beginning to pick at Santana's comforter. "When did… w-when did Finn and Quinn decide to… consummate their relationship?"
"The summer of sophomore year," Santana tells her. "Quinn told him that she was still a virgin too, so he thought that it was some big deal when she finally gave it up to him." Santana paused, sighing. "I know I'm a horrible person, but even I wouldn't do something like that."
"Aren't you supposed to wait, though?" Rachel asks, looking up at Santana, eyes still wide. "I've always thought you're supposed to wait until marriage to actually… you know. Have sex."
"Most people don't," Santana tells Rachel, not bothering to pull a face at what Rachel's said. Judging by the rest of her opinions and actions, Santana isn't surprised when she finds out that Rachel's a virgin. Just by looking at her, you can tell. They have a certain look about them, after all. "But, you know, if you are Rach, that's fine. A lot of guys respect girls who are." She waits on a beat, feeling a lump form in her throat. "Finn was up until he fucked Quinn." Rachel ducks her head down and feels her body tense after Santana uses the coarse word, the Latina across from her apologizing.
"So he loved her and made everything special for her, and he never knew that she was lying?" Rachel feels her chest tighten, like she's about to cry, but she doesn't. Her mouth hangs open a bit and she can't bring tears to her eyes. "That's so horrible," she says. "Quinn really did that? Did she even love him?" Santana sighs and looks at Rachel, sorrow lacing her own eyes. Why did she ever have to come here, anyway? It's not like Lima needed someone to come and solve the problems of everyone in town, and even if it did, Santana always thought they would send someone like an old pastor or a guidance counselor from another country to fix everything, not an eighteen year old girl. She doesn't understand why every time she has a conversation with Rachel she feels different afterwards, like she's just dug up some problem she buried five or ten years ago and actually handled it, like a grownup would. She's causing the town to grow up, and it's all for the better.
"I don't know," Santana says off-handedly. "Quinn always said that she was, but I don't think she was. She only actually told him once, or at least that's what she told me. Just one 'I love you' and that was it." Rachel feels her entire face turn red, lips falling into a frown.
"Are you still friends with her?" Rachel asks sheepishly, tucking an errant lock of hair behind her ear. Santana shrugs.
"I don't know. As of right now? Not at all. Especially after that kissing thing she pulled at auditions the other day. That was uncalled for and it made me come so close to going all Lima Heights on her sorry ass." Rachel giggles a bit, causing Santana to laugh along with her. "But no, I don't think we're friends. I can't handle spending any more time around her if she keeps on deciding to be the way she is. I'm the only one that's allowed to be a bitch, okay? Remember that." The girls begin to laugh and Santana takes Rachel's hands, holding them in her own and looking at her with a smile. "Rachel, you don't need to worry about anything Quinn Fabray does, alright? I want you to make Finn fall in love with you because you're you, and that's it." Rachel giggles and Santana lets go of her hands, getting off of her bed. "Now, go get ready for callbacks tonight. We're leaving in twenty minutes and I'm not letting you go looking like shit run over."
:.:.:
She does marvelous at her callback, and only does better when she realizes that Quinn isn't there. Her absence is met by a snide remark from Santana, and the two girls do outstanding, being asked to sing the duet between Maria and Anita and being received with smiles and open mouths throughout the audition room. Kurt's there too, singing and dancing along with everyone else. Although he's not asked to read for Tony, the part he wanted, he is asked to read for Riff, which doesn't seem to upset him too much. Rachel seems to forget all about Quinn and how she seems to tie weights to her heart any time she sees the blonde with Finn.
The group of three sits down in a little group, Rachel sitting between Kurt and Santana. Kurt rests his hand on Rachel's knee and makes a little squeal when another boy stands up and begins to sing. This time Tony's song is sung, and Kurt can't help but smile when he hears the boy sing.
"He's adorable," he tells Rachel in a whisper, causing Santana to roll her eyes. Rachel just smiles and looks up at the boy, only being able to see him from behind as the groups of hopefuls all watch from behind, unable to see the faces of their competition. "And his voice… his voice is wonderful, isn't it? I don't care if I'm not cast as Tony anymore, just as long as he is." Rachel giggles and places her hand on Kurt's, hushing him.
"Keep it in your pants, Twinkle Toes," Santana hisses, crossing her legs. "You don't even know if he plays for your team or not yet. For all you know, he has a girlfriend who has boobs that he loves to death. Keep on dreaming." Rachel can't help but giggle at the banter between to two, trying to stay as quiet as she can without causing too much of a scene. Talking during someone's song could break her audition all on its own. She chooses to listen to the words of the song Kurt's mysterious singer is saying. It's a good thing that she can read music and is a fast learner, otherwise Rachel wouldn't be doing very well at her callback. All of the music from this show is so beautiful, she thinks, and she hopes she gets in. She doesn't care who she is; Maria or the chorus. Just being able to sing all of the music with Finn, right there beside her is enough to make her heart sing.
"Number 36," the director calls, looking at Rachel. For a moment she forgets what her number is an has to stare down at her chest to remind herself, but by then Kurt and Santana are both pushing her up out of her chair to meet whatever demand the director has. "Sing this with him. Someone, get her the sheet music." The accompanist begins to tinkle out the first few notes and Rachel feels her face turn red, looking back at Kurt and Santana for support, but she gets nothing more than an eager smile and a thumbs-up from the both of them, turning to face the boy she's set to sing with.
He's tall, but he's nowhere near as tall as Finn – everyone seems tall to Rachel, however. He dresses so nicely; in a pair of dressy slacks and a sweater vest and a bowtie, and for the first time Rachel feels like she's seen someone that dresses like how she's used to seeing people dress. His hair is gelled back and his smile is rather enchanting, so she shoots a smile back to him. It isn't long, however, until she feels like she recognizes him from somewhere. She begins to sing and her eyes stay trained on the sheet music shaking in her hands, but she can't help but to think that she's met him before. It's a funny notion, really, considering she's only been here for a few weeks. He just seems so familiar, and the way he sings… it's like she's known him forever. She steals a glance at him for a moment, recognizing him.
She knows him. She's known him for forever.
:.:.:
"Fabulous," Kurt tells Rachel as the three gather their things and begin to leave. "If you're not the next Maria, Rachel, I'm going to call whoever the authorities are and sue them. You were absolutely fabulous." Santana smiles as Rachel beams, looking up at both of them.
"Your voice is actually pretty nice," Santana says, complimenting her as best she can. As long as you're not Anita, I see no problems here." The girls begin to giggle and Kurt stops in the middle of the hallway, Santana and Rachel halting behind him like tin soldiers.
"That's him," he says, placing a hand to his chest. "Be still, my beating heart, that's him." Santana swats at him and Rachel begins to giggle, looking at him from further away. She wants to run up to him and give him a hug, because she knows exactly who that is. Whether or not she should tell Kurt, however, is the question she's plagued with. She doesn't want to. Finn told her not to say anything to anyone, but maybe this boy is in the same situation she is. He might even be her ticket out of here.
"You guys, go out to the car. I need to go to the bathroom," Rachel lies, shooing Kurt and Santana off towards the doors. "I'll be out in five minutes." Kurt rolls his eyes while Santana mumbles something in Spanish, the two heading off towards the doors and into the parking lot. Rachel walks up behind the boy and smiles, tapping him on the shoulder. "Excuse me…" she says, her voice quiet at first. The boy turns around and smiles at her, Rachel smiling back at him. "Blaine Anderson?" The boy's eyes light up as he recognizes Rachel, bringing her in for an embrace.
"Rachel Berry!" He nearly picks her up off of the ground, causing her to giggle incessantly. "How did you- why are you…" he voice trails off, tears piquing in Rachel's eyes.
"Do you know why I'm here?" She asks him, taking him by the hands. Blaine smiles at her, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "I've been here forever and I never thought I would ever find someone I knew… and I know you, so I figured-"
"You're fine, Rach," he tells her, settling her down a bit. "You're going to be just fine."
