Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, unfortunately. Uther's POV.
Once my life was plain and clear
I recall once my ignorance was bliss
Nightfall came like a serpent's kiss
To my troubled mind
Abandoned - Kametot
It took little effort to trust on Merlin completely in a matter of days. He was the kindest soul Uther had ever met, and he always had a smile on his face. Winter didn't seem to affect his childish mood, and everytime he came back after a long day looking for wood or some more food, he enlighted the entire room with his mere presence. Now that the King spent good part of the day awake, he babbled about everything, not even waiting for an answer or a commentary. His voice was cheerful, different from that one that guided Uther through the endless darkness but somehow still the same.
The King felt a shameful wave of jovial excitement everytime their eyes met. His heart beat harder against his chest whenever Merlin held his hand or helped him with simple tasks, as bathing and eating. As deplorable as it sounded, he was pretty sure the only reason he was recovering so well and so quickly was because the boy was by his side, smiling and chattering and laughing. It was easy to forget Merlin was a sorcerer, that they were supposed to be enemies and he should've killed the young man weeks ago.
It was easy to pretend he wasn't a King and he hadn't a kingdom waiting for him to come back, sooner or later.
For a moment he wondered what he'd do once he got back to Camelot. He could simply turn a blind eye, ignore Merlin's existence but the mere thought sounded impossible on his head. It was easier to fall deadly ill again than try to forget about that boy. His eyes focused on the sorcerer sat near the table, reading something. It looked like a spell book. It was a surprise to notice that such a fact didn't disgusted him anymore. Sorcery could be evil, but Merlin…
Perhaps Merlin had been blessed by the gods themselves with a rare good heart and soul that couldn't be corrupted nor broken by the devilish power. The only magic creature that could be trusted on earth.
Uther could see himself believing in such a childish lie.
A page on the book had been turned, Merlin too concentrated on whatever he was reading to feel Uther's intense stare on his neck. He didn't feel like bothering the boy in that moment, so the King allowed himself to look around, trying to register everything he could. The hut they've been living for the past months was too old and decrepit, as if its owner didn't have time to fix the countless holes and cracks on the walls or perhaps it was just supposed to look like abandoned.
While Uther's things (the few ones that Merlin had saved after the attack) had been carefully placed on a cupboard close to the bed, Merlin's belongings were scattered everywhere, as if the boy had no sense of cleaning or simply arranging things on its places. As if he had been living alone for a long time, with no one to help him to pay attention to those little details. It made his stomach clench hard and an annoying, unnamed feeling got stuck on his throat.
It just didn't make sense. Merlin was a smart, strong lad that worked hard by himself, not even using sorcery around Uther. With his gentle heart and easy smile, it'd be easy for him to make friends. He could've get a good job anywhere, even in Camelot or in Cenred's kingdom.
So why, why live in such a humiliating, forgotten place?
"Merlin?" Uther called softly, eyes once more locked on the tall boy but Merlin simply hummed in response. "For how long have you been living here?"
It was pretty obvious the boy didn't enjoy the subject. Uther noticed clearly the exact moment his mood dropped and his shoulders stiffened. After a long, silent minute Merlin finally turned, his blue eyes filled with such a sadness the King hadn't seen before. He almost regretted his stupid curiosity and for a second felt the urge of smacking himself. Good thing he was still too weak to do so.
"It's been seven summers now. Since my mother died." Merlin's voice was quiet, but he raised a hand before Uther could have the chance to apologize. "Don't. You didn't know."
Uther shifted uncomfortably on the bed, not sure why he was even bothering in know something else about Merlin than the mere fact he was a sorcerer studying magic right in front of his eyes. If it had happened before, he'd have executed the boy himself without hesitation. Now he didn't even know what he should think. He knew he shouldn't get too involved. It was wrong and stupid and he'd end up dead or broken. Nothing good could come from sorcery, only pain and death.
Yet his mouth seemed not to agree with his logic. "You're a smart boy. You could get a decent job, live in a better place than here. Cenred holds nothing against magic."
He uses it on his army, Uther thought bitterly.
"Cenred knows who I am. He's been hunting me for some time now, in hopes I'll join his cause." Merlin hesitated before turning to his book, but Uther noticed he wasn't paying attention to it anymore. "He doesn't understand I have no desire to fight. Thus I hide here. Cenred may be a heartless brute but he's not stupid. And besides, no Knight of Camelot cross the Valley often."
Oh, so they were in the Valley of the Fallen Kings. It made some sense now. The boy was well protected by nature and bandits, a soft spot on Camelot's lands that only a few had the qualms to cross and explore deeper than necessary, and barely none came back to tell the stories about what they had found. The boy's magic could shield him from any danger that a sword could not. A perfect hiding, invisible and safe. How intelligent Merlin really was? Most of the time he was just a goofy, clumsy boy trying to cheer a sick, old man up.
"I was hunting along the White Mountains." Uther barely noticed his obvious remark, but the gentle laugh that escaped Merlin was enough to make him feel a bit better. "It's a three days walk. And you… carried me all the way back here. Why? Why would you save my life? Why risk so much?"
The boy turned his face to Uther once more, but this time there was no sadness hovering over his face. His eyes shone in a wild determination that made him look even more beautiful than the usual, and for a second Uther wanted nothing but hold him close and take those lips… And he felt himself blushing more than it should be possible. For gods sake, how could he think about such infamous things? He could list everything wrong about that.
Merlin was old enough to be his own son.
Merlin was a sorcerer. He was evil.
Merlin was a clumsy farmer boy.
Merlin would reject him, would despise him.
And then a glint of selfishness bubbled on his chest. He was the King of Camelot, he could demand to get whatever he wanted…
And twice in the same night he felt the urge of smacking himself, this time with his own sword. How could he ever think about forcing his sickening desires on the boy just after all he had done? He felt like a monster people claimed him to be. A disgusting monster that didn't deserve a single drop of Merlin's endless kindness. No, he deserved the magic poison in an arrow on the back. It fit him.
"I saved you because that was the right thing to do." It took him a few time to Merlin's words to sink in. "Because I believe in a better future for Camelot."
"And you thought that saving me would change my mind about… sorcery."
"I'm not stupid, Uther. I know nothing will change, not while you're King."
"Magic is evil." Once more he felt his crushed beliefs faltering, his pretended determination failing him. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't feel so weak, so exposed. "You don't know how things were before the Purge, boy. You weren't there, you didn't see… the chaos, the corruption. Even now sorcery threatens to destroy everything I've spent my life building and I won't allow it as long as I breathe!"
And then came the final blow.
The disappointment and betrayal on Merlin's eyes was so heartbreaking, so obvious that Uther didn't know what to think or believe. There was no smile this time, no cheerful smart remarks. He had just shattered the boy's hopes on living in peace and it just felt terribly wrong. It felt worse than his dirty thoughts and the nightmares he still had night after night. The King tried to think about something to say, to mend the damage he had just done but it was too late. Merlin sighed, looking hurt and broken and oh so lonely.
In that moment, Uther truly regretted he was still alive.
This is the longest chapter I've written and I'm quite proud of it *nodnod* But fret not, my little doves! There's more drama coming ahead but also there's a happy ending~
mersan123: Oh I'm sorry I didn't explain it before my dear. Merlin just have a hard time carrying Uther all the way back through the Valley, poor lad. I'm glad you're enjoying the story though! Thank you so much for your lovely reviews~
Thank you all for taking your time to read, it means a lot to me!
Reviews make me happy~
