Note: The base where The Team is staying now has a name: The Base. Aren't I creative?

Chapter seven

"Are we dere yet?"

"For the fiftieth time, no Scout, we are not 'dere' yet." Miss Pauling hissed, gripping the steering wheel hard enough that it turned her knuckles white. She was on the very brink of snapping.

Scout sighed and looked out the window for two seconds. "How about now?"

"We'll be there when we'll be there, okay?"

"Hey, can we pull over? I gotta go to da bathroom." Scout said, seeing a fast food restaurant on a sign.

"Can't you just hold it?"

"It's an emergency!"

"Then use one of Sniper's jars!"

"I don't think it'll ever be dat important."

"Alright! We'll pull over! But everyone goes, even if they don't have to go!"

"Can we get some fries or somethin' while we're dere?"

"Sandvich!" Heavy said. "Ten Sandviches!"

"For all of us, Heavy?" Medic asked.

Heavy laughed, "Medic is funny!"

"Alright! We'll get something to eat!" Miss Pauling said.

"Free toy?" Heavy asked.

"I don't know why, but sure. And leave the guns in the car this time!"

The Team groaned and went inside. Many customers glanced a wary eye at the eight men and one woman entering, but merely returned to their food.

"Oh! Can I play in the tunnels?" Scout said, pointing over to an area where children were playing in the restaurant.

"You're too old for it."

"C'mon, please?" Scout begged.

"No, just-" She went to the counter. "You people are driving me nuts. I'm going to order your food and get back to the car. I'll be back."

"Can I get a free toy too?"

"Fine!" She ordered the food and disappeared outside. After awhile, The Team got their food and ate it, but Miss Pauling didn't show up. They waited a half hour with nothing.

Scout called her from a phone in the restuarant. "Yo, where'd you go?"

"How…how'd you get this number? I changed it from the last one!"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

She sighed. "I got a helicopter to take me back to headquarters. Some of you must be able to drive, so you do it! Besides, I can't take you anymore!"

"I know you love me, right? Hello? Hello?" Scout glanced at his phone. "She hung up."

"Alright, guess I'll be driving then." Engineer said. "Anyone else know how to?"

Sniper raised his hand but no one else. "Really, mates? Really?" He asked.

"I failed da test." Scout said. "Bastards said dey never wanted to see me again. But, c'mon, they can replace all dose cars! It was an accident!"

-pagebreak-

When The Team finally arrived at the Base, they found Spy practically running towards them. "I have some information!" He announced.

"Not even a 'hello'?" Scout said.

"No offense, Spah, but we're too tired to be dealing with that. I need to take a nap." Engineer said and went inside. The others tiredly followed.

"You are all maggots! You don't need a nap! Naps are for babies and old men!" Soldier said.

"Look who's talkin'. You slept half tha' way here." Sniper said.

"Didja get da milk?" Scout asked Spy.

Spy ignored him. "But zis is important!" He yelled to the team and sighed as they left.

"Well; didja?"

"Shut up, Scout."

The next day, the Team had met in the kitchen to discuss Spy's findings. But when they had all gathered around, he said "Lockdown" in French.

"Did you just call me a shithead or somethin'?" Scout asked.

"No, I said 'welcome' in French." Spy said.

"Whatever."

"Now, I was given information from a certain source. Information about us."

"We're a bunch of guys goin' and killin' people; what's more to know?"

Spy ignored him. "I know I have already have been issued a warning zat I would be fired if I would try to find out any more information. But zey can't find out what zey don't know, is zat right?"

"What're you talkin' about, mate? Who's 'they'?" Sniper asked.

Spy read his face for a second. "'Zey' are our employers. And zey hired one of you to spy on me, ze Spy. But zere can only be one spy here, gentlemen. Now I recommend you give me ze truth or I will find out for myself."

The Team glanced at each other, trying to find out.

"Heavy is Heavy. Spy is Spy. That is truth." Heavy tried to explain.

"Well, my dim-witted friend, let me put it into simpler terms. Zere is a bad man here. Ze bad man is pretending to be a good guy. For ze smarter ones, he is a traitor. And I will find out, ze easy way or ze hard way. Zat is all." Spy started to exit the room, but stopped. "And if any of you wish to report zis, you will die ze most painful way I can zink." Then he muttered what he said at the beginning of the meeting.

There was silence for a few seconds. "Oh wait, did he mean us?" Scout asked.

Sniper sighed. "Were ya even paying attention?"

"I lost track at 'da'. Or as he says, 'ze'."

"The?" Engineer asked.

"Whatever."

-pagebreak-

"Mail call!" Engineer called out. The Team ran over to him in seconds, ready to accept their mail. "Okay…" He sorted through the mail. "Here's your magazine, Scout." The magazine was wrapped in a wrap that allowed no one to see what its contents were.

"Sweet. I've been waiting for dis for awhile." He ripped the wrap open and went inside the building to look at it.

"Soldier, here's your 'Guns and Haircuts' magazine."

Soldier practically ripped it from Engineer's hand. "Guns and haircuts! Nothing like that to keep the trumpets of wartime drumming!" Sniper sighed, not even bothering to correct him.

Engineer nudged a giant box near him. "Heavy, here is your package of ammunition."

"Ah, we has waited long for this!" Heavy pulled his minigun close to him. "Yes you have, Sasha." He cooed at it. The Team took a step back from him, creeped out. He placed the box on the ground and started to open, showing each individual bullet to his minigun.

"Demoman, here is your package of-no doubt about it-chemicals for your explosives."

"'No doubt about it'? You don't know what's in there, lad. I could have a…puppy in there!" Demoman was slurring his words drunkenly as he picked up the package.

"Phhhhphhhy?" Pyro said and snatched the package from Demoman's arms. But he tripped on a pebble and the package flew from his arms. The sloshing sound of chemicals was heard as it fell to the ground.

"Nooooo!" Demoman said.

"Phhhhphhhy!" Pyro said.

An explosion went off, sending The Team flying into the side of the Base and pieces of burning cardboard and packing peanut shrapnel flying at them. A tiny crater was in the ground when the smoke cleared.

Demoman knelt to the ground and started to sob. Pyro joined him, grieving for the "phhhhphhhy".

The Team ignored it and moved on. "Medic, you have five packages of who-knows what." Engineer said, motioning towards the packages. Medic gathered up the packages very suspiciously, cackling very quietly to himself and opened them, only peeking inside when no one was around.

"Okay, we all got a letter from Miss Pauling."

Scout appeared out of nowhere, digging his magazine into the bag on his back. "What's it say? She talk about me?"

"Give me a sec." Engineer said and tore it open. "Wonder why she didn't just talk to us in person."

The Team glared at Scout. "What? What'd I do?" He asked defensively.

"Read it out loud, maggot! Some of us have things to do!" Soldier was impatiently flipping through the magazine absentmindedly.

"It says, 'Dear (though you're not very dear to us) Team, We have ordered a cart full of explosives to be delivered to an area many miles west of the Base by helicopter. Now it is awhile or so away from a building that needs to be destroyed. You can identify the building by a large radio tower with a blinking red light. We cannot deliver it closer or the helicopter will be shot down. You need to push this cart near the building and detonate it, thus destroying the building and its occupants. The back of this letter comes with directions how to get to the building. Good luck.'"

"Dat's it? Nothin' 'bout me?" Scout asked, trying to read over Engineer's shoulder.

Engineer looked at the paper closer. "'P.S. Scout, go fuck yourself.'"

"Hey, she mentioned my name!"

"Get help, Scout." Spy said.

"Anyway, lastly are the…bills." Engineer said. The Team glanced at Spy. "Alright, majority wins. Here you go Spy." Engineer shoved the bills into Spy's arms.

"What? Me?" The Team hurried away, not wanting to deal with Spy. He sighed and went inside to pay the bills. As he was walking past the kitchen, however, he overheard Scout looking at his magazine.

"Oh yeah. Look at dose legs. And dose breasts." He muttered. Spy turned invisible and walked over to look at the magazine. It was a picture of a roasting chicken.

"Merde. You really need help, Scout." Spy said, reappearing.

-pagebreak-

"Okay, Pyro beats Spy, Spy beats Sniper, and Sniper beats Pyro. Go!" Scout said and made a fist. They were in the car, driving to where the bomb would be transported.

Sniper gave him a look. "What're you doing, mate?"

"Rock paper scissors. 'Cept with our Team." Sniper kept giving him the look. "Hey, I'm bored! Just play da damn game."

Sniper shrugged. "Nothin' to do anyway."

"Okay, rock is Pyro, paper is Sniper, and scissors is Spy. Go!"

"Why am I paper?"

"'Cause you tear easily."

"Hey!"

"Don't hide da truth."

Pyro started to laugh. Sniper said to him, "Hey, you're tha' bloody rock! Ya are tha' bulky one!" Pyro stopped laughing and a sound like crying came from his mask.

"What da hell, man? Don't make Pyro cry!"

"Ignore it. Ready, go!"

Sniper sent out, obviously, Sniper and Scout sent out Spy. "Dude, you shouldn't pick Sniper. Too obvious."

"Fine. Ready, go!"

"Really? You picked Pyro? It was obvious man!"

"I just wanted to beat tha' Spy!"

"There is no Spy. You suck at dis."

Sniper looked out the window. "I don't wanna play this anymore.

Scout scoffed. "Rage quit."

Engineer, who was driving, called out to them, "Okay, we're almost there. I can even see the cart right now!"

The Team rushed to the window, all trying to see. Yelling about moving out of the way came from each one. Heavy pushed them all out of the way and hogged the whole window to him. The Team grumbled and sat back, not wanting to fight with the gargantuan man. Engineer stopped the car and they all rushed out.

The cart appeared to not even have explosives in it, a shell protecting it fully. It was on train tracks as if to move smoother. Scout went over and knocked on the shell. He leaned up against it, trying to push it. His teammates just looked at him. "So you gonna help me push da cart or what?" He asked them.

They shrugged and all pitched in to move it. But even with Heavy's help, it barely moved. "Come…on…you…maggots!" Soldier grunted. Pyro even shot some air from his flamethrower at it and attempt to move it.

"Da hell?" Scout asked, stepping away.

"Let's just see the car go kaboom and get it over with, lads." Demoman said, a crazed look in his only eye. Pyro nodded and shot a burst of fire out of his weapon.

"Wait a sec. Let me examine it first." Engineer said and took a good look at it. "Ah, here it is." He opened a small panel that was on the side of the cart. There was a screen and a note attached to it. Engineer removed it and began to read it. "'As you may have noticed, this cart is not moved by strength. Once the blue button is pressed, the cart will move automatically when you get near. Scout, being the weakest, will be able to move the cart twice as fast'."

"Hey! I'm not weak!" Scout rolled his shirt sleeve up and revealed his arm. He flexed it to show off his "muscles". "Hey! Look at dat!"

The Team rolled their eyes and Engineer continued to read. As if to show his strength, Heavy punched Scout in the face, which sent him flying. "'When you have gotten it close enough to the building, press the red button. The shell will open and you will have sixty seconds to escape before it detonates. Have fun!'"

"Zat is comforting." Spy said.

"Is everyone ready?" Engineer asked, hovering his finger over the button. The Team glanced at each other, unsure. Anticipation and a little fear were in their eyes. They readied their weapons and-

"Just press da damn button." Scout said, seemingly not have gotten punched at all. Heavy gave him a look.

Engineer obeyed and the cart lurched forward almost at once. The Team tried to keep up with it, for it was moving so fast. Heavy had the most trouble, being the slowest and having the minigun in his hand. Medic eventually got bored of trying to stay behind and healed Soldier instead. Heavy pouted when Medic left.

"Come on, fatty! We haven't got all day!" Scout yelled back at him.

"Yeah, hurry up!" Engineer said, shotgun in hand. "You're slower than molasses in January!"

"He's slower than a retarded turtle is more like it!" Scout said with a laugh.

Heavy got out his shotgun and aimed it at Scout. "Lucky leetle man today…" He growled to himself and put it away.

It was at that moment that a rocket came out of nowhere, aiming right for Scout. Scout, oblivious to the fact, continued to insult Heavy as it came nearer and…and…and…and…

has stopped working. Windows is finding a solution to the problem. Please wait…

And Pyro jumped right in front of the rocket and blew it away with a blast of air from his flamethrower. The rocket flew and crashed in front of the cart.

"'oly dooley!" Sniper said.

"Holy shit!" Scout said. "I dropped this penny!" He bent down and picked it up.

Pyro growled under his mask, angry that he didn't get any praise for saving his teammate's life.

The cart, however, kept moving forward and soon enough The Team was in the sight of their enemies and tried to dodge all sorts of projectiles. Bullets, rockets, and even a jar filled with urine.

"'ey! That's my job!" Sniper said once it fell.

"Just shoot, moron!" Scout yelled at him.

Heavy tried to fire at their enemies, but they were too far away for the minigun to reach. He, however, was oblivious of this fact. "Die, cowards!" He laughed and tried to avoid the rockets that were now aiming at the large man with the large gun. This helped distract their enemies for The Team to move closer and kill them.

The Team moved away from the cart to get a better shot at their enemies, firing their weapons in a hurry. Most of them fled, but some fell from the towers they were standing on and made a small crater of a grave. But The Team stopped when they heard a strange squeaking of the cart's wheels. They turned around to see it going backwards; away from the building.

"What da hell?" Scout said and ran towards the cart. As soon as he got near, however, it shot forward again. The Team rushed over to help push it.

"Must be a sort of failsafe. In case we leave or die, it can go back and the explosives and cart are saved." Engineer concluded.

"Bullshit. It should just keep moving forward. Wouldn't dat be easier?"

"Don't be a maggot, maggot. Push the cart!" Soldier said. "Then we'll blow these commies to hell!"

"They never said they were Communists." Sniper said.

"You questioning me, Balbo Biggins?"

"Don't do that again."

Scout spoke up. "I don't get it. Dey can lay all of dis track down; all dat hammering and stuff, but dey can't just bomb da place?"

"Shut up and push ze cart." Spy said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Where were you?" Scout said, surprised.

"I just killed ten snipers hiding everywhere, zank you very much." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "I love how zey just stand zere unnoticing what's behind zem." He flicked open his butterfly knife and gazed at the blade.

"Shut up, ya bloody spook!" Sniper said. He took a swing behind him with his kukri to make sure nothing was there.

The rest of the trip there was uneventful. Sure, they almost all died fifty times over, but what else is new? Engineer began to complain because there was nothing he could do but push the cart; no places to defend with his Sentry Guns or Dispensers to place because he was moving forward. He eventually left them, saying he was going to build a Teleporter. But after awhile of pushing, when they were about two-thirds to the building, there was sudden silence. No rockets, no snipers, nothing.

"Think they're plannin' something?" Sniper whispered.

"Nah, what could dey possible do? Charge all at once and completely wipe us all out?" Scout said confidently. The Team gave him a look. "Alright, alright. I'll check it out." He ran forward and came back in less than a minute. Before they could ask what was happening, he ran past them muttering, "Oh shit." Over and over again.

The Team glanced over at them. What seemed to be a whole army was charging at them, firing bullets and rockets. They glanced at each other and took off. Demoman was the only one still there.

"C'mon, I'll take you all down one…by…one." He said drunkenly, putting up his fists. When they didn't respond, he laid down some sticky bombs. "Fine! Come and get me ye two eyed bastards!" Medic ran over and had to heal him to avoid Demoman being blown up. He was running around from being gunned down as well.

"Run, dummkopf!" Medic hissed.

"Ey? You wanna fight too? I'll take you on too!"

Medic sighed and saw the incoming army getting closer. "Good luck alone." He muttered and took off.

Suddenly a whole explosion went off and body parts started raining from the sky. Demoman had laid a sticky bomb trap that they had all easily fallen into. Demoman started laughing. "It's bloody beautiful! Literally!" He knelt down to a head. "Oh, looks like they'll have to glue you back together…in Hell!" He got up and took a swig of his scrumpy.

The Team came back, surprised he was still alive, and began to push the cart again. When they finally caught sight of the building, snipers hiding above the building caught sight of them.

"Give you a hundred dollars if you hit 'em with a shot to the crotch." One said to them.

"Man, you can't do that. You're on." Another spoke for all of them.

Suddenly there were multiple gunshots going off, all aiming for The Team's lower section. They had to duck behind the cart to make sure that they, and possibly their future children, wouldn't be shot. Spy tried to sneak out when invisible, but the change of environment caught sight of one of the snipers and they shot him where it counted.

"Look at him flail on the ground! Pay up!"

"Oh yeah? Well you have to prove it!"

The sniper pointed at Spy, who was crawling weakly behind the cart where The Team was. "I obviously shot him! Pay up!"

"So, your kids gonna be deformed or what?" Scout asked.

"Shot right below my legs. I got lucky."

"Like hell you did."

When they were almost at the building's door, their enemies started getting desperate. They rushed towards them, hoping to injure them at least, but it was a vain attempt and they were all shot down or blown to pieces.

"Okay, I'm going to press the red button." Engineer warned. "When we do that, run like hell and hope you live."

"Wish we had some background music to go with dis. It would make it so intense. Hey, I should get an Indiana Jones hat and do dat scene, remember?"

"Keep shooting, Short Round!" Soldier yelled at him.

Engineer ran, opened the panel, and pressed the button. The Team ran at once, along with their enemies. Some came near it, not actually knowing what it was. The shell began to open and reveal the giant cache of explosives and bombs.

Scout began to hum the Indiana Jones theme as The Team ran. They tried gunning down anyone who tried to get away like them and eventually reached a Teleporter.

"Everyone get on! I put the exit right near the car!" Engineer said.

The Team began to fight each other to take the Teleporter, swiping their melee weapons in the air to repel them. Heavy, being the biggest, managed to get on first. Scout got tired of waiting and ran to the car. Some, though they were slower, took his example. Demoman was the last to get on the Teleporter and saw the explosion.

A giant plume of fire went off and pieces of shrapnel and body parts began to rain from the ground. "I gotta get me some of those." He said, excitement in his eyes, before he disappeared into the Teleporter and a chunk of concrete almost crushed him and destroyed the entrance.

-pagebreak-

"Hey Eng, I was wondering; why did you do the mail call?" Scout asked.

"Yeah, I rather not explain that." Engineer said, embarrassed. He glanced worriedly over at a Sentry Gun sitting near a mailbox and a delivery truck overturned on its side, tires popped.