Hi everyone,
here's the next chapter. After I got myself some advise, there will be a tiny bit drama in this, I hope you don't hate me.
The next chapter will be the last one.
Hope you enjoy, please review,
Yana
The Lead
- Chapter Seven -
Pacey and Joey shared every free minute together. She introduced him to her sister and her new partner and soon Pacey was integrated into her little family. Bessie just adored him and enjoyed his cooking quite as much as Joey did. She used to ask of there was anything he wasn't great at. A great cook, a great doctor, great to be around. Joey used to smile the most stunning smile and while she held his eyes she said: 'And a great lover.' Making him blush every time and wanting her even more than he already did.
Joey, for her part, quickly became good friends with Jen and together they used to playfully mock Pacey about his habit to study until midnight, but Joey was proud of him. He could see it in every look she gave him, feel it in the way her hand lay on his shoulder when he sat at his desk working and she leaned over to have a look of what he was doing, every now and than correcting something or pointing out a tiny thing he'd missed. And it was the greatest motivation, having her pride. Even if it was hard sometimes, to keep on studying when she was close, even harder though at times he knew she had one of those few free days and he had to study, but he'd promised her he wouldn't stop to do so and he wanted to stay true to his word and not only for her, but for himself.
Usually Joey would come over the course of the day, bringing coffee or dinner for the three of them. Laughing, kissing him, making him happy with her being around. At times she'd leave with Jen so he was able to study without any interruption. And it earned him the highest grades and opportunities he wouldn't get otherwise.
In their first summer together he introduced her to his parents and he knew his father couldn't be prouder. His mother loved her right from the start and so did his siblings. Even if they all had been skeptical because of their age gap and the fact, that Joey had been still the "girl from the wrong side of the creek" in his fathers mind.
Pacey completed his internships and everyone he'd worked with was full of praise with his work. He just loved what he was doing and more than glad that there was only one summer break left before his last college year. As much as he enjoyed studying, he wanted to finally work as doctor for real.
His last internship was with Joey on the children-cancer-ward, and even though he had much practice by than, he was as nervous as he hadn't been since high school. It was just so strange to not only watch her working but to have to fulfill expectations and please her. He did well, and Joey hadn't expected anything less. They were as close as they had been in the beginning. They just couldn't wait to be near one another, to be alone. They found every opportunity to touch each others hand or accidentally brush against the others body, sending blissful shivers down their spines. It was awesome.
One day during said intern, Pacey stood there in his doctors overall, discussing a medical record with a nurse as he caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. Joey watched him with a totally new look in her eyes. Somewhere between sad and stunned. As their eyes met, he excused himself and walked towards her.
'Everything ok?' He asked and even if they had been together for almost two years now, he wasn't able to shake off the fear of loosing her. He took her hand and she smiled a little sad smile.
'Well, yes I just... ' She shook her head. 'Never mind.'
'Just what?' He asked while carefully pushing her into the staff room for a little more privacy. The moment the door closed behind them he pulled her into a warm embrace and she let out a sigh of relief. Pacey kissed her hair and carefully forced her to look at him. 'Tell me, Jo, please.'
'It's simpering…' She bit her lower lip and it made her seem so much younger, innocent even. But it also made him want her, so much it was almost painful.
'Tell me.' He urged, feeling the need to know, sensing something deeper there and it made him all uneasy.
'It's just…' She hesitated. 'I see you with those girls and I wonder if I can be enough for you. You're so great in everything you do. You're able to rival with almost everybody here, even me. You're so good, there's rumor you get the chance to get a job here right after you graduated. You're smart, you're so god damned sexy, you're easy going, charming, flirty… You can cook. And you're just so hot.' She sighed and he couldn't deny she flattered him and he couldn't help but chuckle at the order in which she'd listed his abilities. 'God, Pacey. Did you know they bet on who's the lucky girl to get laid by you next?' She looked into his eyes and the subtle sadness in them made him ache deep inside. 'I just don't think I could stand to watch you with some other girl. To know she'd got to kiss you, to be touched by you… To be aware that she would have what I had with you.' She sighed. 'But look at me… I'm so much older than you and you could literally have each and every girl here. I'm so terrified I won't suffice.' She had her hand in her hair and Pacey chuckled in disbelieve.
'Really?' He took a step closer and placed his hands on her shoulders.
'Yeah, really.' Her voice was low and her insecurity made him smile in sympathy.
'Wanna know what I see when I look at you? The most stunning woman I have ever seen. You're just so beautiful, I can't see any other woman could ever hope to comprehend with you.' He cupped her face with his hands and looked deep into her eyes. 'Wanna know, who the lucky girl is that get to sleep by my side every night? Wanna know, who the lucky girl is, I think about last thing in the evening and first thing in the morning? Wanna know, who the lucky girl is, get laid by me tonight? Wanna know, who the only girl in this whole hospital is I really am interested in?' His voice had become husky and he cherished the red that graced her cheeks. 'You, my love. It has been you since that first night, as I keep on telling you. It's you always you.' He kissed her lips in the most tender way. Making them both shiver. 'So please, love, when you next see them bet smile at them and tell them they don't need to bet, because you know the answer. It's you. And there will be no other girl as long as I got to have you.' He told her in all seriousness.
'You really are serious, Pacey, aren't you?' She asked, looking at him in utter disbelieve.
He nodded, wondering why she couldn't believe it.
'Please don't ever let go of me.' She rested her head on his shoulder and he held her until her beeper went off and broke the moment.
They spend most weekend nights dancing the night away with Jen, Doug and Jack, in whom Pacey found a good friend. But every opportunity the got, they'd steal away, taking a walk in the mild spring nights talking, sharing silence, relishing one another's company. In the summers they would have a skinny dip, more often than not ending in them having sex in the water. In the winters they'd curl up on her sofa in front of a fire, reading books, talking. And making love… Oh, it was the best time of his life. He was happy and he knew so was she.
The worst times were the days when Joey had to work days at college and nights at the hospital. And this was what it was just now. It was even worse, because Pacey just had summers break before the last two semesters would start and most likely the little together-time they had would even get less.
They walked through the evening streets, arm in arm as she turned her head to look at him.
'Pacey?'
'Hm?'
'I wondered, if you would like to have a cruise with me this summer…' He stopped and looked at her surprised. The last summers he had been away with Jen or Dawson, because she had to work and wasn't able to have enough free time for a holiday with him.
'I would love to have a cruise with you, Joey. It's what I wanted since we got together, we just never made it unto that boat for more than a day or…'
'...a night.' She smiled and he nodded. 'Well yes, and now I'm telling you, I have four weeks off in summer, so if you want to, we could finally have that cruise.'
He smiled at her broadly and picked her up to spin her around, kissing her while doing so and it fitted his feelings. Every time he was around her, she made him feel so alive, carefree and she raised him up, saw more in him than he ever thought he could be, and now she would finally share his only other love - the sea. Really, there was nothing that could made him not want to have her four weeks all for his own.
And really, their trip was all he had hoped it could be. He taught her how to fish, she'd read to him while he was cooking. Her eyes on his tanned body while he was sailing, almost drove him crazy, because he knew she wanted him back and it just was the best feeling in all the world. She used to lay only in her bikini in the half shadow, watching the sun, the clouds, sharing with him what she saw. They barely lay anchor at a harbor, because they just enjoyed being on their own. The few nights they actually lay in an harbor, they sought out beach parties or went dancing elsewhere. They swam in the ocean, made love on deck of his True Love and it was just the best summer ever. And so it had been the hardest thing to do, getting back and into everyday routine.
College had started again and Pacey felt stressed pretty quick, even though everything went smooth and it was only four weeks into his last year, he felt the end dawning and he worked harder than he ever had before.
Joey had one of those crazy weeks, so they didn't see each other at clock went off early, even though it was Saturday. He was surprised to have a text from her that doesn't tell him, that she went to bed to dream of him, but to ask him for a meeting.
'Meet me at Renee's please? Will be waiting there.' And even if it was the most unexpected thing happening he grinned.
'Well, yes my love. Will be there in thirty.'
Much to Jens amusement, who used to mock him around with his obsession for his girlfriend. Even after almost two years of relationship he couldn't seem to get enough of her ever.
'Believe me, if you ever be lucky enough to meet the perfect guy, you'll understand me.' Pacey kissed Jen's forehead and jumped into a short and a t-shirt, because it was hot outside, put on some sneakers and was off and on his way to her. Because really, there couldn't be a better way to start his day, than to see Joey.
Pacey bunched inside, the waitress smiled at him, disappearing into the kitchen to bring his usuals without asking, becausethey came here regulary. He looked for Joey, not the slightest bit surprised to find her sitting, where they alsways sat. She seemed all upset, obviously tiered to death after 48 hours straight shift and with tear stained eyes.
Pacey got a sick feeling that quickly took over his very being. He rushed towards her and was about to take her into his arms, but she just held her hand up to stop him and so he stood back.
'Joey...', his voice gave away his concern. Slowly he took the seat beside her, hestitating, wondering what was to come. Only than realizing, that the milky coffee that stood in front of her hadn't been touched and was obviously cold by now, probably standing there since she'd texted him a good hour before. 'How long have you been sitting here, Jo?' His voice was low, full of concern. 'You could have just come to dorm…' She shook her head almost impalpable and it did nothing to ease his concern, but the exact opposite. Pacey felt sick to the bone, something wasn't right at all.
Joey just sat there, her hands around her already cold coffee, staring into the room but not seeing anything or anyone. Her breath came shakingly.
'Joey, love.' Pacey carefully placed one of his hands onto one of hers and startled by the cold of it, because it was hot outside, the sun burned down unrelenting and it was only seven thirty in the morning.
'The usual for you.' The waitress sing-songed and smiled the sunny smile, that usually made Pacey smile right back at her, but today it didn't affect him at all, all he could see was Joey and that something was terribly wrong with her. The smell of his breakfast made him feel even sicker. Whatever Joey had to say, it quite certainly wasn't good news.
After they sat for another couple of minutes in total silence, he felt like throwing up and he just couldn't bear the thick silence any longer.
'Please just speak with me, love. Tell me and we'll get through it together.' He urged. Slowly Joey turned towards him and he refused to realize what her eyes were telling him. Deep sadness was in them, but determination also and he knew, he just knew what she was about to say.
'Pace…' She swallowed hard and got back to staring at her hands, clenched around her cup, cold as ice. 'I've been thinking a lot about what I am to say now, and I just want you to listen carefully.' She swallowed again, clearly trying to get rid of the lump in her throat, the same one building up in his. And suddenly he wished he hadn't come, wished she hadn't asked him to come here in the first place. 'I'm sorry.' She turned his head towards him and he almost could hear his heart crack. He knew he had been right and the world stopped turning, his heart stopped beating, his breath got caught up in his lungs. Everything sunk into unimportance.
'Please don't break my heart, Jo.' He knew his voice was shaking, breathless, but he couldn't care less.
'Don't make this any harder than it already is, Pacey.' She broke eye contact and got back to staring at her hands. Pacey refused to believe her, this couldn't be happening.
'You're tired, Joey. Get a good nights sleep and afterwards...' He tried to convince her but she shook her head.
'No Pacey, don't. This has nothing to do with me sleeping ot not. It's a decision that didn't came easy and...'
'But we had the perfect summer, Jo.' He urged, forcing her to look at him. 'We had the best years of our lifes together, just two days ago you told me you're the happiest with me by your side and you know so am I. You're shattering me here, Joey…' His wounded heart ached with every beat. But Joey just met his pleading with unyielding silence. Pacey pushed his plate away and suddenly knew why her coffee had gotten cold. 'Why?' He whispered, not able to verbalize anything more than this, desperately searching for something that could have caused that sudden change of heart, but there was nothing. There was just nothing, no argument, just nothing. Only perfection, laughter, loving.
'Just because, Pacey.' She looked at him, her voice as steady as she could manage and he could feel she'd built a wall around herself, only the tears in her eyes deceived her. 'We have to try and go back to friendship or to a professional relationship. Whatever works for you.'
Whatever works for you…. The words echoed in his mind. He starred at her, not able to feel anything anymore, he was all dump and blind. She'd just ripped his beating heart right out of his chest.
'This, Joey, this – you and me together – is what works for me. Nothing less could ever do.' His voice a mere whisper, even though his heart beat like crazy and his head swam, but in the worst way imaginable, his stomach was knotted and he felt all cold.
'This isn't anymore.' He could see her struggle and clenched onto this last string of hope.
'But it isn't what you want, I can see it in your eyes. So I'll ask you again: Why? Why do you make us both suffer, if what you really want is to just tell me what the hell is the matter?' Pacey saw her flinch and it was only than, that he realized he'd stood up and yelled at her, everyone's eyes now on them and she shivered and he did as well.
'You should probably leave, Pacey.' Joey told him and he looked at her for a long time, all his life seeped out of him, as he watched her averting his eyes, going back to starring at her hands, still clenched around her cup, so the knuckles stood out white, clearly fighting to retaining her composure.
He was shaking all over but he knew there wasn't much to be done, even if he wanted nothing more than to sort this all out. He swallowed hard and than nodded. 'Well yes I should. See you on Monday Miss Potter.' He saw her wincing and for a second he just wanted to shake her, to yell at her again, to hold her close, to just make her tell him, but Pacey knew it would be senseless and so he left Renee's, left his breakfast untouched. The door fell shot behind him and he began to run, hating the tears that were building in his eyes. Hated the dump feeling of feeling nothing at all, hated the beating heart of his, his lungs sucking air into his broken body and his screaming soul.
He had been running all the way back, storming into an empty room. He hit his pillow several times, screaming into it, but nothing seemed to lessen his pain and so he had a shower and began studying. Every time the right thing to do.
It had been almost two weeks since Joey had dumped him and he felt as if he hadn't left his desk ever since, even if he attended every lesson. Joey's lessons had all been canceled because she was on sick leave. Pacey had tried to reach her, but she didn't pick up the phone and hadn't read any of his text's. One day he walked past her house, but it was dark and her car was gone. He ate little to nothing. Jen had tried several times to get through to him, but he just cut off every attempt she'd started.
It was in the middle of Saturday night as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He was sitting in the dark room on his desk, only his desk lamp shining on his work. Outside the moonless night bathed the world in blissful darkness but the summer night was hot and humid.
'Wanna tell me about it?' He would have smiled at the familiar sound of the most unexpected voice but he just didn't have any strength left.
'Not really.' He shook his head, but Dawson just shoved his papers aside and sat on his desk.
'Hey man, I was reading this.' Pacey was surprised to find himself standing over his friend in an instant, having Dawson's sleeve in his hands, shouting at him much like he had yelled at Joey a few days back. Pacey was just so angry. Anger was all there was left to feel. He was pretty sure he just had slammed Dawson, would it have been anyone else.
'Whoa there Pace. I'm sorry.' Dawson said and Pacey let go of his sleeve, obviously surprised by himself. 'Jen called me pretty concerned. She told me it was bad, but I didn't expect that kind of snafu… the exact opposite of brilcredious.'
Pacey found himself chuckling without meaning to do so at Dawson using the word Pacey created as they first sat foot into this very room. It felt like ages ago. God he was glad Jen had called Dawson, maybe the only person on the planet able to get through to him.
'Yeah, could say so.' He nodded and suddenly felt tears stinging his eyes, blinding his sight as the worst kind of pain suddenly took hold of him.
Without saying anything, Dawson hugged him tight. Much like he'd done after Andie... God at those times, he'd thought nothing in life could feel that bad again, but this... this was a hundred times worse. And the moment Dawson's arms closed around him, Pacey could feel his defenses breaking and he stood there, helplessly sobbing into his friends embrace. As if his arms somehow broke down the dams, surely the only one who could do so.
Neither one could say how long they stood there until finally there were no more tears to be shed. Pacey felt even more empty than he had before.
In complete silence they sat on Pacey's bed, the desk lamp still the only light to lighten the scene and it felt kind of weird.
'Sorry.' Pacey whispered but Dawson just shook his head.
'Nothing to be sorry about, Pace. I'm here anytime you need me, just as you always had been. That's why they call it friendship.' Dawson tried to lighten the mood but pretty quick realized that it wasn't helpful at all. Therefor he cleared his throat. 'So now - what about pizza and then you tell me what caused this.' Dawson patted him on the shoulder and Pacey just shrugged.
'No pizza for me, I've no appetite.' The thought of pizza alone made him sick. There was no way he would be able to actually eat it.
'No argument, Pacey. Jen told me you've eaten next to nothing over the last two weeks, so you will have your share of pizza my dear friend.' With that he grabbed a tall heat retraining package Pacey hadn't noticed until than and unpacked two pizzas. Rubbing his hands together he stood and turned a little more light on.
'So now tell me, Pace.' Dawson looked expectantly at his friend, while placing the pizza boxes on the bed.
'Really, there's not much to tell.' Pacey dropped the slice of pizza he'd grabbed back into it's place.
'But it's enough to made you loose your appetite, drowning in work, not answering your phone, concerning your roommate and ignoring that awesome girlfriend of yours.' Dawson chuckled while he took a hearty bite from his pizza. Pacey winced, because his friend obviously didn't know how close he'd hit to home and it indicated Jen didn't know either. It didn't surprise him this much, because him not seeing Joey for a couple of days usually just meant she was due at the hospital at night shifts or something close to it. And Jen not thinking about the possibility of him having a breakup with Joey just proved what he felt, that nothing had been wrong, everything had been just perfect until that meeting.
'She's my professor.' Pacey somehow managed to say, his throat dry and rough, his voice low.
'But…' Dawson let his hand sink, starring at him with the most unbelieving look on his face. 'But you two were perfect. Just perfect together.' He paused, well he hadn't been around all the time, but every time he talked to Pacey he was the happiest he'd been in a long time. The pictures they'd sent from their trip down the coast showed nothing but happiness and closeness. It was the most absurd thought that crossed Dawson's mind, but it surely would explain all and everything. 'Did… Did she dump you?'
Pacey nodded slowly and tried desperately to swallow at the lump in his throat, not able to say anything at all. God, he wanted her back. Desperately wanted her back, wanted to hold her, to tell her nothing could be worse enough for him to not love her anymore, to make him turn around and leave, nothing could drive him away from her, nothing would make him want to leave or be left. He would sacrifice everything for her.
'I miss her so much it tears me apart, Dawson.' He was helplessly extradited to his tears and so he surrendered, not caring about them anymore, because nothing seemed to have any sense anymore. The only thing he was able to do without breaking down, or burst into tears, was studying. That was the reason he hadn't spoken with Jen. 'And the worst part is, I just don't know why, Dawson. One moment everything was perfect and the next she just...'
'She didn't tell you, why she broke up?' Dawson placed the pizza boxes on the floor and Pacey was glad he'd lost his appetite. too. Pacey shook his head, wiping over his eyes in an attempt to dry his wet eyes, hating his emotional instability. 'But that makes no sense at all.'
'I know.' Pacey swallowed and drank the water Dawson had offered him. 'And the worst part is, she's on sick leave ever since.' He tried to swallow down the bitter concern that had grown ever since she'd dumped him. That feeling telling him something was absolutely out of order. In his head there were about a thousands scenarios playing round and round. He actually had been at the hospital on every ward to see if she was there. If she probably was seriously sick. Maybe had cancer like her mother did and just wanted to spare him the pain of watching her suffer. And even if they'd let him into every ward without asking, knowing him as student and intern and held up high by everyone, he didn't find her.
'Did you cheat on her?' Dawson asked, raising a brow, knowing Pacey as he did, he knew he wasn't one who'd cheat on account, but maybe he'd been drunken or something like that.
'No, Dawson. I didn't cheat on her. I barely saw any other woman in the literal meaning. And god, how could I? Have you really seen her? I mean, have you actually looked at her? She's a goddamn goddess and she wanted me, so how could I be interested in any other woman? She's beautiful and sexy and witty and … She's everything to me, Dawson, no other woman could ever compare with her. And she was mine, but now she isn't anymore and I just don't know why. I don't know what's gone wrong. Just one day everything was okay and the next she totally blindsided me by dumping me out of the blue. Really, if I had the slightest idea what caused this, I wouldn't be sitting here, telling you she broke my heart into a thousand pieces, because I would try and fix it, but I can't because I haven't the slightest idea.'
Dawson nodded and Pacey just felt a little better, a little more sorted. There hadn't been anything. Nothing he could think of that could have made her leave him like she did.
'Did you talk with Doug?' Dawson asked and Pacey looked at him surprised, because he hadn't thought of his brother in that matter and now it seemed like the stupidest thing to do. Because Jack was Joey's best friend and his brothers husband, so why not asking him? If anyone knew, it would surely be him.
'I call him right away.' Pacey grabbed his mobile but Dawson stopped him.
'Whoa there, Pacey, did you look at your watch? It's way after midnight, you can't call him now.'
'But I do, because whether he'd pick up or he's turned his phone off.' He shrugged while pressing the quick dial button.
'Douglas Witter?'
'Hey Doug, it's Pacey. Can I ask you something?'
'Well, well…. good to hear you little brother. I thought you might never call.'
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