July 1994
For a moment, she wanted the smoke to suffocate her. With the cigarette to her lips, she truly wondered how long she could hold the smoke in her lungs before she would have no other option but to exhale. She knew Will hated when she smoked, and she had to move to the balcony whenever she did. It was funny; she started when she and Stan were starting to get serious—it was an escape for her, something to calm her and take her mind off of the situation—but she almost stopped when she started spending time with Will, save for the one or two cigarettes she slipped in to get the flavor. But with this revelation, she couldn't stop.
It had been three days since she met Michael. Three days since he became a reality. Three days since her surroundings began to slowly close in on her. Karen still hadn't told Will about it. Sure, she said she would tell him, but after they made love that night, he seemed to forget that she was ever held up by something. She knew she had to say something. He had been nothing but honest with her the entire time they had been together; the least she could do was return that. But she was so scared about the consequences.
He could go back to Michael. Just like that, she could be out of the picture.
God, she was being so selfish. It wasn't her life to play around with. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't help but revert to the playground tactics of a small child. Michael was the one to give him up. Karen was the one to find him. She was the one to realize what she had. She was the one to make Will forget about whatever heartache he caused. Finder's keepers.
It was a two step process, she thought every time he caressed her body. Touch me, fall. And she had fallen faster than she thought was humanly possible.
She felt his fingers weave with hers on the rail of the balcony. "I've been looking for you," Will said in that soft voice that, on any other given day, would make her melt. But tonight she was too occupied with the potential destruction of their relationship. Tonight she was afraid that he would ask her to leave, to cut their time together short to find Michael to tell him that he's always had a home here; just because he left doesn't mean he can't come back.
This can't last forever, she thought, a reminder for herself. She just didn't realize that she had said it out loud.
"What? Karen, what are you talking about?"
Karen stomped out her cigarette on the ground before turning to face him. Oh, his eyes, his smile. So full of hope, so full of comfort. You should realize who you're giving it to, Will, before you're so willing to let it go. She wanted to tell him, she really did. She wanted to be honest. But when he took her in his arms and let her fingers comb through his hair, everything seemed to melt away. God, how was he able to do that? It was something she only found in him. Stan never had it, and she couldn't remember her past husbands ever having it, either.
"Nothing. Nothing, honey. I guess I was just in my own little world for a second."
He smiled and pressed his lips against hers. "Come take a walk with me by the river. It's a nice night out tonight. Let's get out of here." She couldn't help but giggle; all he had wanted to do since Stan went away was go out, show the world that yes, happiness does exist. Karen nodded and was whisked from the balcony to the living room and out the apartment door.
He seemed to think nothing of Michael.
Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that she didn't tell him about their meeting. She didn't want to be the one to kill his happiness, his joy. And she knew if she just mentioned his name—or the fact that she actually knew his name, since he never really gave her any details about his significant other—it would make that beautiful smile disappear. That was the last thing she wanted.
No. Tonight wasn't the right time for it. Tonight she would take his hand and stare out into the river, watch the moon reflect on the water. Tonight he would be only hers, and Michael would not exist. Tonight they would pass by other New Yorkers like it was nothing, they would be seen and they wouldn't care. Tonight they could be themselves.
She would tell him about her encounter some other time.
But even with that, she wasn't sure.
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October 1999
She held the smoke in her lungs as long as she could before she had to let it out. She looked at the cigarette between her fingers, the tip glowing orange as it burned. She wondered if it would burn her fingers if she let it turn to ash all the way through. Such an inane little thought, but at this point, it was all she had. There was a slight chill in the air that gave her goosebumps, but she didn't mind it. Karen didn't want to go back inside just yet, so she wrapped Will's comforter tighter around her bare skin and settled in her place on the balcony.
She only came by tonight because he wouldn't stop calling.
Will wanted to apologize, she could tell. But he wasn't the one to blame in her eyes. They never promised to be exclusive, mainly because Karen couldn't hold true to it anyway; she had Stan, and even though she liked to pretend that he didn't exist when she was with Will, they couldn't escape that he was in the picture. But it was like it was 1994 all over again; once Will's significant other became real to her, she was never the same. Karen didn't want to come over tonight—she hadn't come over for the past two nights, since she learned about Chris—but Will's voice was beginning to fill up the answering machine, and she knew he wouldn't give up. So she walked through the door, and they made love in silence. When they finished, they lay in bed, and once she knew Will was asleep, she grabbed the comforter from the bed and made her way to the balcony.
And she couldn't help wondering why she was here.
"There you are." She turned her head to find Will behind her. "I've been looking for you." His hands gracing her shoulders where the blanket can't reach. His warmth wrapping around the areas of her skin that were beginning to chill with the October air. "I think we need to talk. I didn't want to see that guy. Grace set me up with him for whatever reason, but the entire time I was with him, all I could think of was coming home and taking you in my arms. You have to believe me, I…"
"Stop. Will, please just stop." She knew coming here tonight was a mistake. She knew that if she succumbed to his plea, he would misconstrue that as a willingness to forget about the other day. But that wasn't the way Karen functioned. He's known her for five years. He should know that by now. "Don't say you're sorry, and don't say you didn't want to see him. You wouldn't have gone if you didn't want to see him."
"Karen…"
"Just forget it. You didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to get into it. Because we both know what happens when we do." She pushed past him and went back inside as he followed close behind. "We have a good thing going. Don't say anything to ruin it." She rushed to the bedroom and closed the door behind her, started picking her clothes up off the floor to change. Tears welling in her eyes. Five years passed by, and it was still that same two step process.
Touch me, she thought. Fall.
