Chapter 7: Radiance and Understanding Only Took Nineteen Weeks

Aang urged Appa to fly faster, his heart racing, but his mind calm. His eyes were dry and his hands steady. Momo was sleeping curled up in his lap and Aang idly scratched his friend's head as Appa groaned.

"I know buddy, we're almost there."

He was racing toward the Fire Nation, even though haste wasn't necessary. Azula's words in her letter to him had been calm and calculated, and in some odd way, they'd given Aang strength and courage. And hope. Her script was as neat as her brother's, but as distinctive as her blue flame. The words had been her own; there was no hint of other voices dictating things for her to write. She'd been bossy and self confident, and Aang supposed it was easier to do that in a letter where you could write several drafts than it was to do it in person. His own reply had been full of confidence and self assured words. Of course, he'd gone through about seven drafts of the letter before he was finally content enough with the wording to send it off.

Smiling softly to himself, Aang pulled out Azula's letter. He'd unfolded and refolded it so many times over the past two and a half weeks that the ink was already beginning to fade in places. Pretty soon he'd wear a hole in the center where the folds converged. Really, he should be far more careful with the precious document. He should get it framed, have it hung up somewhere for all to see. It was probably the greatest achievement of his life.

Azula apologized to him. Azula. How many people had that honor?

Granted, it was buried under some threats and she hadn't actually come out and said, "I'm sorry," or "I was wrong," but Aang still saw it for what it was. He'd had enough conversations with Toph who was practically Azula's twin in ego to be able to pick out grudging apologies. She'd said they'd both made mistakes, and that it was time for them to own up to those mistakes, to take control. There would be no conversation about that night, and there was no need to understand underlying emotions like Iroh thought they needed to do. They'd always known those emotions, even if they wouldn't admit them. They'd always known just what caused that severe lapse in judgment, and revisiting that night would not enlighten them.

"Look Appa! The Gates of Azulon!"

Appa groaned and pushed forward, knowing that soon he'd get to rest, and there would be a hot spring with his name on it, and attendants to scrub him until he was clean and fresh and feeling good. Aang laughed, feeling light as air. When he entered that first meeting in Ba Sing Se after he returned, he'd been nervous and agitated because he didn't know what he was doing. Once a plan started to form in his head, once he had some guidelines, once he had a vague idea of what was needed, he'd felt a million times better. There was purpose in his actions, rather than him pointlessly moving about, hoping for some great source in inspiration to hit him. The solution had hit him like a sledgehammer, and Aang couldn't believe how simple it was. It could be the same with Azula—once he took charge of the situation and had a plan in place and knew what he was doing, he wouldn't have to be so apprehensive around her. He'd taken the liberty of preparing a list of all the things they would need for baby preparation. During late nights spent in the library looking up childcare and preparation, Aang managed to come up with goals and milestones.

More importantly, Azula's letter had given him the encouragement he needed. This wasn't something either of them would be able to do alone; so long as one or the other was putting up some form of resistance, nothing would get done. Azula said that she'd never before let anything hold her back. She'd never run away from a problem, and had always met and overcome every challenge thrown at her. This was new and foreign to them both, but they were smart and ingenious. They could overcome anything.

When he landed, Mistress Yina was waiting for him again, and Aang hopped off Appa's head, landing before the older woman. His feet hit the ground, and he was solid like the earth.

"Princess Azula has informed of us your visit. If you would follow me, Avatar Aang, I will take you to her."

Aang followed behind Yina, his step even, his grip on his staff firm, but not tight from nervousness. Yina did not enter the garden with him, rather gesturing him through the arches that led to the private sanctuary. When Aang stood frozen this time, it was because his mind refused to accept the image in front of him, and had likely ceased to function. He'd been prepared for many situations. This was not one of them.

He almost didn't recognize Azula. She and Zuko were sitting at one of the stone benches underneath an old tree, its branches hanging low and providing shade from the late afternoon sun. Her face was rounder from the extra weight, but she was positively glowing, radiant, and actually smiling a true, unguarded smile. It was a smile he could honestly say he'd never seen before. It suited her beautifully, and there was a deep pang in Aang's heart. She'd been crushed as a child, utterly controlled and destroyed, and for long moments, Aang couldn't reconcile the Azula he'd known in the asylum with the young woman easily smiling and talking with his good friend.

The breeze that carried words that sounded like a mild argument ruffled her hair, thicker and glossier than he remembered, and Aang realized that she was wearing it away from her face. When Azula opened her eyes, Aang could see clear resolution in them. There was an old, familiar spark in those golden eyes, not quite like her brothers, and this recognition glued Aang to the spot. There was no denying that something happened to Azula while he was away. Some inner change he could never hope to guide her toward. Aang watched as Zuko said something to her, and she threw her head back in laughter, clutching her sides, and Zuko bent forward, his shoulders shaking.

Resolutely, Aang let his eyes trail lower, and there was no mistaking it. He might have been able to force himself to believe that she wasn't pregnant the last time he'd seen her, but now, there was a more than gentle curve to her stomach. Even the deep red dress she was wearing couldn't cover it. Aang swallowed hard because Azula wasn't a girl who hadn't meant to get pregnant, and who was now broken and desperately in need of his assistance. This was a woman, cunning like the dragons of her nation, who appeared to be shouldering the situation better than he was. Aang wondered if this would put distance between them, this distinction of her as woman and him still feeling like a child sometimes. Would it put her out of his reach and make him an unnecessary attachment?

"How long are you going to stand there?" she called to him, her voice clear and sharp.

Nervousness that hadn't been there before made Aang's legs shake as he walked toward the siblings, feeling very much like an outsider having intruded on a private moment. They'd been so at ease with each other, so comfortable in their two-person conversation, that it hardly seemed polite to interrupt. It was beginning to seem like a family trait. He hadn't wanted to interrupt Ursa when she was reading Love Amongst the Dragons, even if she'd read it more than a hundred times before. Slowly, Aang moved forward. The Fire Nation's royal family was certainly an interesting group of people. When he stopped, he maintained a good distance from Zuko and Azula, lest Zuko's attitude toward him still be on the extreme side.

"I'm not getting up to greet you," Azula said, leaning back on her arms.

"You'll have to excuse her," Zuko said, standing. "She gets cranky when she hasn't had her nap."

Azula smiled at her brother, and they laughed at some private joke, her shoulders shaking lightly. Absently, Azula adjusted the hem of her dress, the fabric draping across her protruding stomach. Aang stood still, eyes fixed on that curve. No matter what, he still had his plan, and Azula's words in that letter had still been her own. She said she needed him. Maybe not in those exact words, but he figured that's what she meant, and he had answered her call eagerly. Or, if not eagerly, then with resolution and determination. No one could accuse him of abandoning her.

"Look, Aang, I was a jerk to you the last time you were here," Zuko said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I refuse to see my sister in so much pain, and frankly, it pissed me off that you were trying to run away from her. Suddenly, Sokka's attitude toward Katara and guys made sense, and I didn't like that, either. I've never considered myself overprotective, but—"

Azula snorted, interrupting her brother with a patronizing look, and Zuko rolled his eyes, mumbling a disgruntled "whatever."

As Azula prodded Zuko with a golden slippered foot, the tension eased out of the air, and Aang relaxed, unable to hold back a smile. He laid his staff down in the grass, not realizing that he'd tightened his grip on it.

"It's ok, Zuko. I forgive you."

Just because he knew Zuko hated it, Aang hugged his friend, holding him close and refusing to let go, no matter how much Zuko squirmed. He threw his arms around Zuko's middle and rubbed his cheek against Zuko's unscarred one. Zuko made a choked, strangled sound, and only when they were about to fall over because Zuko was trying hard to get away did Aang let go. Zuko only hesitated for a moment before making some excuse about wedding planning and practically run out of the garden.

"Let it never be said that the Avatar does not have a cruel streak," Azula pronounced as Aang sat down next to her.

Azula let the silence hang in the air between them, seeming completely comfortable with it. In the quiet, Aang tried to pinpoint all the ways in which she had changed, but it was hard. So much was in her posture and the way that she turned her face toward the sun. So much of it was a feeling in the pit of his stomach; that change was everything intangible about her. She almost seemed guarded, like she was purposefully keeping him at a distance.

"Azula, I know you need me—"

"No, actually I don't," she said casually.

Aang stopped, his mouth hanging open. "But—"

"While you've been gone, I've gotten along just fine." Azula turned slightly to face him. "If you died in two seconds, I'd still have help, so don't you think you're going to come in here and rescue me from something. I'm no damsel. I never have been."

He certainly hadn't been expecting that. This was a different Azula. In many ways, she was her old self again, though she hadn't threatened to be the one to kill him in two seconds. But he supposed that what she said was right. Others would come in and take his place, making sure Azula and the child—his child—were well taken care of. Aang sat quietly and just looked at Azula. She reminded him of something Monky Gyaatso said shortly after they discovered that he was the Avatar: the path to true change is never an outward one-it lies within the self.

It seemed his lot in life to keep underestimating people. He'd done it with Ai in Ba Sing Se, he'd done it with Azula the night they'd slept together, and he was doing it again. Two times already, things hadn't turned out the way he wanted, and he was determined to salvage this third. If she wasn't the wounded and tortured person he'd come to expect, he wouldn't treat her like one.

"Relax—"

"What changed?" Aang asked.

"I am a princess of the Fire Nation," Azula said firmly, standing and turning her back to him. "I bested generals and veterans of the War who were three times my age when I was fourteen. I could stare down a man twice my size and make him flinch. I am a prodigy, and as much trouble as it caused me, I could generate and control lightning far better than Azulon, Ozai, or Uncle."

Aang sighed. "It's ok to depend on others, Azula."

"And I have depended on others. Those who've shown that they won't run at the first sign of trouble."

"I think you're just as guilty of pushing me away as I was of running. You can't just ignore that."

Azula shrugged, but at least she turned to face him. She looked serious, and Aang smiled at her hopefully. They were, at last, having an open conversation. That had to count for something. He didn't even pull away when Azula's eyes searched him. It was a feeling he'd never get used to, like someone forcing their way into the deepest parts of your mind with a sledgehammer, but he did his best to keep his nervousness to a minimum, hoping that she'd at least let him in on her feelings and not be quite so cold.

"Anyway," Aang said, interrupting Azula's search, "I've got a list of things we need to do before our baby arrives."

"Our baby?"

Azula raised a suspicious eyebrow at him, and Aang thought back to that list he'd written. He admired Azula's physical strength, her ability to turn any negative into a positive, and her cunning. Like Toph, she could see through to a person's core, and Aang knew that he had nothing to hide when he faced her. Not that he could hide anything, even if he wanted. He admired her resiliency, most of all. She'd come back from devastating lows, and stood before him, facing another chasm. The ground might be shaking underneath them, but she wasn't stumbling anymore. If he was being totally honest, even if it was only in his head, there was a lot he could learn from Azula. Aang patted the spot on the bench next to him, but Azula didn't sit.

"It's too hard," she said simply.

"Then we'll go some place that's better for you."

Aang stood, picked up his staff, and started walking back toward the palace, but Azula faltered behind him, indecision flitting across her face. She wasn't always as strong as she wanted him to believe, but Aang wasn't going to point that out. Not now, when they were being civil with each other, and certainly not when it gave him some way to be useful to her. They were meeting on neutral ground. Azula regained her footing and her composure quickly, striding past him, as if she had suggested they go somewhere else. As if she were the leader again.

"We'll go to my room," she called over her shoulder.

They walked through the halls of the palace in silence, Aang slightly behind Azula, watching her walk with her head high and her shoulders back. People were watching their progression. Or rather, they were watching Azula, their eyes almost immediately going to her stomach. Sometimes they sneered, and as they passed groups of people waiting for an audience with one minister or council member, several people whispered behind their hands. Azula gave no sign that she'd seen any of this, and Aang trotted a few steps, hoping to see her expression. She was stoic, even though her fists were clenched and her whole body vibrated with tension. It wasn't right for them to judge her like that. They didn't know the circumstances, and guilt gnawed at Aang. He was causing pain, even after he'd done so much to help her heal. He wasn't sure why he'd never really seen it before now. Maybe he just hadn't been open to it, but Azula had been right when she said that he would get away unscarred. Those very same people who would sneer at Azula would bow respectully to him.

The people they passed had the decency to keep their voices low, though, until they got to the upper floors where the most extravagant guest suites were, just one floor below where the royal family's suites were.

"Slut."

Aang almost didn't hear it at first, and when he turned around to look for the owner of the voice, a group of three girls were headed in the opposite direction. He recognized one as the daughter of a businessman from the outer islands. The girls were whispering to themselves, then laughing. A few times, they cast disparaging looks toward their princess, evidently feeling confident enough that there would be no punishment for such rude behavior.

"Hey—"

"Leave it," Azula said sharply, her head hanging down, her face unhidden, and her nostrils flared.

He was about to argue, but she turned and narrowed her eyes at him. When he saw her clenched jaw and fists, Aang decided to trust her. She'd been in the environment longer than he had, and maybe she knew how to deal with them. If he saw it was too much of a problem, he could always talk to Zuko about it, but for now, it was important to let her handle it.

"Have a snack brought up to my room," Azula instructed one of the servants.

The man bowed to Azula, offering a stiff 'yes, princess,' but Aang didn't miss the way the man was smiling as soon as his back was turned, like he knew some secret about the disgraced princess. The smile slipped away when the servant noticed he was being watched. Bowing, he hurried past a frowning Aang, moving as fast as he could without running. This was just ridiculous. Aang rubbed his forehead. No wonder Azula was so determined to be cold and upright, reminding people that she was still a princess of the Fire Nation. It was like everyone just forgot her title and who she had been. There was no fear anymore to hold them in place, and it pissed Aang off that they would just treat her like garbage. Where was the respect for the strong warrior and brilliant strategist? It wasn't so long ago that they would have hurried out of her presence so they didn't offend her. Aang clenched his own fists, literally biting his tongue to keep quiet. He wanted very much to trust Azula.

Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, Aang almost had to bash his head against the wall. Two severe looking older women walked past, and one roughly bumped into Azula's shoulder and sending her off balance. Aang rushed to her side to support her. Azula's hands were warm in his, and her grip was like a vice, very near to being painful. So close, he could hear her labored breathing, as if it was costing everything she had not to lash out at those women. He'd never seen her show such restraint before, and it scared him.

"As if it wasn't bad enough that she's with child," the aggressive one said to her friend, "now she's entertaining men in her room. Alone."

"It's only the Avatar," the friend replied, waving away the notion as if Aang didn't qualify for the label of man.

"Yes, but he's still a man. Or boy. Either way, he's male and he's got male parts," the aggressor said flippantly. "Next thing you know, they'll be saying the princess seduced him just so she could get pregnant and make the Avatar loyal to the Fire Nation."

"Ugh, as if the world didn't hate us enough."

The two women turned the corner, still complaining to themselves, and Azula opened her door silently and stiffly. Azula had changed, and Aang wasn't too sure that he liked it. He couldn't take it anymore.

"That is not ok, Azula," Aang yelled, slamming the door behind him with the very opposite of the restraint Azula had shown. "They have no right to talk about you like that, like you're not even a real person anymore! I can't even…"

He paced restlessly, anger and surprise at that anger rising inside him, as Azula carefully arranged her cushions and sat down with a groan. She didn't even seem to be listening to him, just kicking off her shoes and resting her feet on a plush stool. She folded her hands over her stomach and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. This was completely incomprehensible to Aang. No one deserved to be treated like that, and he understood guilt, understood the need and want to feel like you were being punished for your wrongs, but there had to be a line. Even he'd drawn a line in how long he was going to feel guilty without doing anything.

"Do people always treat you like that? Do they always say such nasty things about you? And do you always let them get away with it like that? You can't just bottle up your feelings, Azula. It's not good for you. You have to let it out."

Azula said nothing, looking for all the world as if she was sleep. Aang waited, and still Azula remained quiet and immobile. The longer she was quiet, ignoring him, the more the anger built in the pit of his stomach, burning like a fire, and for a brief moment, he felt the flames come unbidden to his hands. Aang couldn't really explain it. He just felt so disappointed in everyone. He was disappointed in the people who were supposed to be the adults, but were acting like selfish children, he was disappointed in the people who were supposed to be invested in peace and unity, he was disappointed in Ai and those two women and those three girls. He was disappointed in Kuei and Liu. He was disappointed in Azula.

He was disappointed in himself.

There was a knock at the door. "Food for Princess Azula," the servant called.

Aang answered the door, accepting the tray with shaking hands and setting it down on the low table harder than he needed. He did not close the door, rather slamming it so hard that it startled Azula out of her pretend sleep and rattled the china. Aang couldn't turn around and face her just yet. He rested with his head pressed against the door, his palms flat, just breathing, cycling through airbender breathing techniques. Just calming down, because nothing would be accomplished with his anger.

"What do you want me to do?" Azula asked sternly. "Should I strip them and burn them in the courtyard for everyone to see? Shoot them with lightning so strong it rips the very fibres of their hearts apart? Should I have Zuko exile them to the deep mines or behead them in a public ceremony or have them stripped of their lands and titles, and given over to those who hate them most? Should I have beat those old bats with that antique vase until the blood poured from their eyes? Or maybe I should use my bare hands and squeeze their throats and watch as death makes them slack in my hands."

Slowly, Aang turned to face Azula. She wasn't looking at him, rather looking at her stomach, one hand slowly moving over the curve. Since her hair was pinned back, she couldn't hide behind it, and Aang could see the rage clearly. How could he have been so foolish? Azula had always dealt with conflict in a finite amount of violent ways before. Since her release, she'd been doing her best to be a different person, but she had no way to deal with such conflict. Sighing heavily, Aang sat next to her, and tentatively placed his hand on her stomach. Azula started, but she didn't look at him.

"I can't see Zuko knowing about this and people continuing to act this way towards you."

Azula's shoulders shook, and Aang panicked before he realized she was laughing silently. When she looked at him, it was to give him a mirthless smile, her head tilted slightly to the side. Her fingers twitched, touching his briefly, but Aang didn't dare to look away from those golden eyes for fear of losing this moment.

"I don't intend to run to my brother every time I have a problem."

"Will you run to me?"

At this, Azula laughed outright, throwing her head back in the same way she'd done with Zuko. There was more than a hint of a smile on her face, and her shoulders shook as she doubled over. She didn't push him away, though, and Aang thought that was a good sign, though it did little to quell the fear growing inside him, not only at the actions of people toward her, but of her own violent thoughts. The last thing the world needed was for Azula to be a time bomb.

"I'm not a damsel, remember? Come on," she said, reaching to uncover one of the dishes on the table. "I'm starving."

She could mask her pain all she wanted, but Aang wouldn't be fooled so easily. Politics had taught him something, after all. If you wanted to keep the upper hand, you didn't reveal your emotions to your opponent. There was also the bonus of having gone through this before with Zuko. When they were younger, Zuko had a bad habit of laughing off painful subjects, pretending it was absurd for someone to even ask such a question.

Zuko had always done that with him, and he'd seen Zuko do it to Toph and Sokka as well, and he knew how close they were to him. Being back in the Fire Nation meant he got to help Azula, but it also meant he'd have to face Katara at some point. Odd, he hadn't thought of her lately, but now he wondered if Zuko told her things he wouldn't tell the others. Of course he did. She'd said as much; she'd been the first to learn about all the details of his scar, for one. He glanced at Azula, who was shoving an entire sticky bun in her mouth. She licked her fingers, savoring the taste with a soft smile. Would it be too much to expect the same kind of confidence from Azula? Or was that expecting what was between them to be too much like a normal relationship? What did he want from their relationship?

"You're staring at me. What're you thinking about?" Azula asked, another bun in hand.

Aang jumped, blushing furiously; he didn't think he'd been staring. He shook his head to clear his mind, and hurriedly shoved food in his mouth so he wouldn't have to talk. Azula snorted, haughtily waving her chopsticks around.

"Katara's got her hands full right now," she said. "She's got grand, stupid ideas for this wedding, and she's planning several trips to the outer islands and colonies to assess their hospitals and schools. But trust me, that bleeding heart feels bad for the way things happened between the two of you. I see it every time she looks at me."

"How do you do that?" Aang asked, his voice shrill as he recoiled from her. It was simply unnatural that she could read thoughts so clearly.

"Magic."


A/N: So, several people have brought up that Azula is too idle and that she wouldn't suffer people treating her this way. Well, this chapter kind of explains why. In the show, we see her deal with conflict in a very finite number of violent ways. As part of her change (and also a rejection of her bending) this isn't something she's willing to do anymore. Also, she no longer holds any sort of position of power, and unfortunately never will again. Her reputation during the war will have soured the pot for her forever. While Zuko may talk to her, and she may give him advice, it would cause too many problems if she were given an official position. Though she's changed, and will continue to change, she is still a symbol of "the old regime." Don't worry, though. I've got a place in mind for her. She'll need to find and forge a new place for herself in this post-war world. To a certain extent, I see Azula keeping quiet about Aang having gotten her pregnant as a form of self punishment. I still think it's too early for her to have completely forgiven herself for the things she's done during the war. But it's also a form of control. And, really, given who Aang is, would they believe her right away? It could also turn out quite dangerously (as the two old women believe) and make the world think it's a power grab.

On another note, I'd originally intended for this to play out quite differently, with Azula relying more on Aang, but at some point I realized that Azula's got a huge support system. There are a lot of people who would be in her corner and support her, and she doesn't need Aang. At least, she doesn't need him in the sense that, without him, she'd completely fall apart. That puts her too much in his control, and at this point, she needs to find her own footing. And believe me, there's going to be a mutual exchange here. Aang's got a lot to learn, too.