FEBRUARY
February 1st
I am self-diagnosing myself with insanity.
February 5th
Interesting chat with Daken today.
Yeah, I'm still hanging around him. Although we're certainly doing more than just "hanging around" now. It's funny - most girls probably would've run away after finding out someone was manipulating them, like Daken's been manipulating me. I didn't, though. I stuck around. And this is the second time I've woken up in his bed, feeling sore and almost beat-up and like the scum of the earth.
I don't deserve to live.
Anyway, Um. Conversation. I finally worked up enough nerve to ask him about himself, and to my surprise, he told me as we lay there in bed. I wouldn't say we were cuddling - Daken doesn't cuddle, not by far - and I wasn't even in his arms. He's kind of impersonal like that.
I traced my fingers up and down his tattoo while he told me his story. It's a big, black tattoo, curling over the entire left side of his torso - touching on his stomach and tracing down his arm and back. It's nothing but a thick, curly line, but it's a signature part of him.
Daken told me that his father, Wolverine - Logan Howlett - was married to a Japanese woman named Itsu. She was pregnant with their child when a man assassinated her, aiming for revenge on Logan, but someone came along and cut the baby out of her womb. Because of Daken's healing ability (that he got from Logan), he survived, miraculously.
Raised by foster parents, he grew to hate his father. His real name isn't even Daken, either - it's Akihiro. The other children called him Daken, which means 'Mongrel', because he was only half-Asian.
Anyway, he really has it out for his dad now. Wants to kill him - and a bunch of other people, too. Seriously, he's got a list in his head. That's why he's in Rome - trying to take out some of those people, work his way up the ladder until he has more power.
Tony's right. Daken's a bad guy. If anything, I should be clapping him in handcuffs right now. But I'm not - I'm siding with him. I've completely gone to the other end of the spectrum, and I'm pretty damn far from being a "hero" now.
It wasn't nearly as hard as I would have thought, to turn to the bad side.
I don't know what Daken's planning for the long term, but for some reason, I think I'm a part of it. He thinks I'm a killer, somewhere deep down. Says we're not so different, him and I. All he knows about my powers is that I can control fire, and that's it. I'm not planning on telling him about my other elemental powers, either. He already thinks I'm powerful enough. And he's started dragging me along when he does his "errands". I don't know if it's for extra protection, but I doubt it. I think the secret motive is that he likes his image: the powerful young mutant man with the equally-as-powerful hot blonde chick on his arm. It makes him look like he's got the whole package, even if he doesn't. Makes him appear like some sort of criminal mastermind.
I wouldn't put it past him to make that a reality.
February 11th
Even through all this Daken mess - I'm still at school. My grades have been slipping, so I've needed to really concentrate this past week. And remember that archaeological dig at Nero's Palace that I'm supposed to go on? Well, it started today!
God, it was so much fun. Insanely so. I didn't find anything, of course - the chances of that are slim - but I got to actually work in a site like a real archaeologist. Digging around in the earth, looking for clues as to our history, over 2500 years old.
This is why I came to Rome. I could do this forever.
February 15th
Had a surprise phone call yesterday from Thor. God, his voice is so loud over the phone, it's not even funny. I wonder how he can even talk like that all the time - doesn't his throat hurt?
We didn't really talk about anything important. His told me stories of his lady-love, Jane Foster. I'd like to meet her someday, I think. Not that I'm allowed to think like that anymore - I've gotta let go of Thor, and the others, and their lifestyle.
It's funny - ever since talking to Thor yesterday, I've been in a really good mood. I don't know if it's because I haven't seen Daken since then, or if it's because I got to talk to one of my old Avenger friends. It might be a bit of both.
God, I miss the Avengers. They were like a family to me. No - they were a family to me. A part of me, and I don't know how dormant that part is, longs to go back.
There. I finally admitted it.
Feburary 18th
Got another surprise phone call yesterday. This one wasn't so welcome.
It was my dad. The very same father who I haven't talked to for a little less than a full year. He's the one who went a bit insane and used me as a lab rat, thus giving me my powers. Just recently, he got a divorce from Mom, and a full restraining order was issued - the government found out what he did to me, but S.H.I.E.L.D interfered on my family's part and made sure he didn't go to jail. Dunno why - I kinda think he should. Sure, it was a "temporary moment of weakness and mental illness" when he injected me with that serum, but still . . .
It was the worst conversation I've ever had with anyone over the phone. Basically, he said, "I heard you've moved to Rome. Congrats. Where'd you get the money?"
"Tony Stark." I almost added, he's a better dad than you ever were, but kept my mouth shut.
"You having fun?"
"Sure."
"You don't sound excited to hear from me."
"I'm not."
"Look, you know I'm sorry about the whole serum-powers mess-"
I hung up. He'd better not try and call back, or else I'll burn down the telephone lines.
Feburary 20th
Classes are going well again!
February 24nd
Okay, looking at that last entry, I have to laugh. I just fucked up my life again, and that now seems so . . . I don't know. Pointless.
So. May as well write this down, huh? Friday night, Daken and I went out to a party that one of his crime-buddies was hosting. Daken said he had something "special" for me there, and I was like okay, whatever. Why the hell not? What do I possibly have to lose?
I've already lost everything that means something to me.
Anyway, Daken. Me. Party filled with thugs. For the record, I finally found out what Daken's ultimate goal is: to become the new king of organized crime everywhere. Kind of an ambitious goal, but hey, he's scary enough to accomplish it. He's got the connections, and people know his name. You never know.
The surprise ended up sucking - it was a drug, called HEAT. Daken convinced me he'd taken it before, but I didn't know. I wasn't a drug kind of person, and I didn't know what this would do to me. But I had already tried smoking and - and that question came back to me. What do I have to lose?
I don't even fear death anymore. I almost welcome it (Caterina says this makes me suicidal).
I took the drug. It was just a little red capsule, and I was promised it would be fun. I'm the girlfriend of a guy who's pretty high up in the rankings - I get privileges, apparently, like taking special drugs. Daken's addicted to HEAT, I found out, not that he ever outright admitted it. His drug buddies are trying to make it into a liquid form; Daken was testing it out that way, but I just stuck with the capsules.
Turns out, the drug wasn't even fun at all. Yeah. Guess what I found out after taking it? Daken only likes it because - get this - he thinks he's too good for anyone to ever beat him in a fight. He thinks he's smarter that everyone else. But HEAT, well, it "temporarily puts his mutant healing system on pause". Literally, it shuts down his powers. Daken's looking for a threat, and HEAT is dangerous, even to him. Nothing can harm him, so there's no challenges for him. HEAT is a challenge. It could very well kill him. And that makes it very attractive to Daken.
As I said, I didn't know this until after.
HEAT plays off your worst fears: it runs them through your mind; makes you see shadows in dark corners and monsters in empty streets. Daken later told me that his - what he experienced - was the fear that I was just as good as him, if not better. He finds that frightening and attractive, in his messed-up mind.
My fear had to do with Steve.
God, I haven't even said his name - aloud or in my head - since that night in January. I've barely thought about him. But he's still ripping a hole through my heart, ruining my moments. And so when I took that drug, it was Steve who appeared in front of me.
I mean, if it's powerful enough to be dangerous for Daken - imagine what it does to me.
I don't remember half of it - one of the side effects is memory loss and blackouts. But I know that - and this actually happened, too, this is a fact - while Daken and I were both tripping up a storm, we were attacked by some thugs that decided he was getting too close to the heart of their corporation.
All I saw at the time, though, was a helpless Steve being attacked. Over and over and over. Near death, too - that was my fear. Losing him past the point of no return. Although now that I'm not all trippy . . . I'm wondering if maybe this conscious suffering - the fact that he won't talk to be because he chooses not to - is worse than the Steve-is-dead suffering.
I saved Steve, of course. I fought to the teeth for him. And I was so out of it, I killed two men. I don't care if they were bad guys, attempting to kill me right back. They were still hurting Steve, and I killed two. That brings me back a few steps in healing; trying to recover from my civilian-slaughter back with the Mandarin in July.
Sorry - they were hurting Daken. Not Steve. Steve was never there. And that hurts a lot more that it should. Do I really miss him so badly that I'd rather see him get beat up, than not see him at all?
Or am I just really messed up?
Thing is, it was Daken I saved. And now he actually trusts me. His whole attitude's changed. He's no longer using me - he actually wants to be my friend. "No one's ever saved me before," he said in awe, once the drug wore off.
I'm not going to tell him that if I weren't drugged out of my mind during the attack, I would've left him alone and just saved my own ass. I'm not going to tell him that I thought he was Steve.
One thing's for certain: no matter how addictive that drug is, I'm never, ever doing it again.
February 27th
I just realized that I forgot Valentine's Day. Even though I have a boyfriend and all.
Recently, though, Daken's been all over me. He's changed, for sure. He's actually being nice. And I don't quite know how to take it.
February 28th
Daken can fuck off.
I miss Steve.
Author's Note: Hello, everyone. Thanks for reading! I don't own the Avengers or any Marvel characters - and I don't own the drug HEAT, either. That's actually from one of Daken's comic book arcs, so I thought it would fit in here alongside him.
Thanks to everyone who's reading, and an extra thanks to the amazing reviewers! Your words make me smile: Comiccrazygothgirl, WhatTheF-HaveUDoneLately-Cross, erica . pheonix16, GoForTehGig, roxxirox and cucumbersrockursocks!
Until tomorrow, wonderful readers - Wolverine makes his cameo appearance next chapter :) so stick around and please leave a review, to tell me what you think! :D
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