Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all thingsTwilight, and no copyright infringement is intended. All songs included in this piece are the property of their original writers/owners.

There is no financial gain being made by this fiction.


Chapter 7 - Goodbye, Hello

BPOV

The sun just begun to shine its rays of hot energy when I opened my eyes. I didn't know why, but I had the feeling I would regret ever getting up if I did. I found out the reason was very, too very simple.

I looked up and saw Edward's jaw. The left half of my body was pressed up tightly against him, and he was holding me to him even tighter by his arm around me. His chest was falling down and raising back up, slowly, deep breaths escaping his lips.

This was heaven, but what had yet to come would be my ending.

But now there was hope for me. Hope that would never had a chance if there weren't for Edward.

I somehow had the feeling that he would help me through this all and that he would heal me. Eventually.

"What are you thinking about, love?" I heard him whisper.

The answer to that was easy. "Everything,"

He thought about it for a moment before rolling over so that we were both on our sides. He brushed my hair out of my face, with loving expression on his.

"Are you afraid?" I knew what he was talking about.

"Yes," my whisper was almost impossible to hear.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Many things, I'm afraid of saying goodbye, I'm afraid that once that's done I will forget and won't think about them. I'm afraid I would feel too alone, I'm afraid of the future."

We were looking into each other's eyes, and it felt as though our souls were connected through our sights. He knew what I was feeling, I was sure of it.

"Love, you have some wonderful things ahead. You have yet to plan what will happen. And through that all, you will think of your parents and will never, ever forget them. They had given you life and you simply can't forget that. I've sworn I would help you and I will if you want me to. I love you, Bella."

I didn't even notice I was crying until his fingers caressed the wet skin under my eyes.

"Get up, get dressed and we will do it together, I will be strong for you, you can count on me," he kissed my forehead softly.

I didn't say anything. I was scared that if I said anything I would lose it. I promised myself I would make it up to him once I was in any condition for it. I would be strong for him too. One day.

But now, I had some farewells to be done.

~O~

I couldn't even look at the food on the table. My stomach was in knots and I knew if I ate anything I would throw it back up in no time.

Edward had gone to his own apartment in the morning to change his clothes and fresh up. When he got back I was already freaking out.

"Bella, you have to eat something," Edward said yet again.

"Edward I can't, please, just – I will eat something after…"

He studied me for a moment, frowning, before finally standing up and reaching for his jacket.

"We should get going," he nudged me gently.

He helped me put my own jacket on and led me out of my apartment, right to his car.

I remember nothing that he might have said to me while driving to the cemetery. I was stuck up in my own thoughts, feeling almost numb.

When we reached the cemetery with a small church by, I was shaking so bad that my teeth started to chatter. I was clutching the seatbelt in my hands, my knuckles white from the strain. I felt as if someone punched me into stomach. I knew I was hyperventilating, because soon I didn't seem to be able to catch my breath.

Edward parked the car and immediately turned to face me, the shaking mess.

"Bella, you need to calm down!" he held my shoulders, trying to stop the raising up panic.

"Bella, sweetie, please, would you calm down? Here," he pried one my hand off of the seatbelt and placed in on his chest, right where his heart was beating.

"Breathe with me, Bella. Focus,"

I felt the effect almost instantly I couldn't fight it even if I wanted. My breathing was slowly getting to the normal, my heart beating slowing down. I couldn't even think about how I would have done this without Edward by my side. I was sure I would have ended up buried here with my parents.

"Okay, let's go," I said, the brave Bella waking up within me.

I didn't even hear most of the words the minister said, only hearing always the words that were completing the little remembering-fest in my head.

The beloved…

Their love would remain…

Had left us…

Would have wanted us to go on…

Would always remain in our hearts…

I didn't hear anything else, I didn't need to. The memories I had were enough to have me crying. A set of warm strong arms were around me the whole time, desperately trying to ease the pain and soothe me.

It wasn't working. Not this time. This time it wasn't just weeping about fate's lack of humor. This was real pain, because the two people that I could only ever be sure of loving me had passed away and now were being taken away from me. And I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to face the real world yet, because every time I looked around myself there were happy faces that showed me how my life could never be this way.

Mourning from the loss of the dearest persons in my life, I vaguely felt someone tugging me upwards, but my legs wouldn't obey. I felt as if all strength was sucked away from my body, all the energy leaving me, as I was falling apart all over again.

I didn't know what was happening but suddenly I didn't feel the ground beneath my feet, yet still I felt oddly safe and knew I could give in to the person that was carrying me. My vision started to get too blurry, not just with tears, but like they were little stars dancing at the corners and in between them, black sheet covering everything else. The black became too much and I tried to shove my face deeper to the person's chest. It haunted me, it haunted my thoughts for a while and I felt I couldn't brace myself any more, as I let the blackness overtake me.

~O~

"Hell, Bella wake up," I heard Edward's urgent voice somewhere from a little distance.

"You can't do this to me, pass out just like that. Fuck," as his voice carried to me it was obvious he was pacing.

Wait, he was pacing. Where… Where am I? What? Oh my god, what's going on? We were at the funeral but then… And he… And I…

My thoughts were so confused and I had no idea where I was. The only thing keeping me from screaming bloody murder was Edward, spitting profanities and pacing around.

"Bella!" he yelled as he noticed me supporting myself by my elbows, looking around franticly. "Don't worry you're okay, please don't freak out you're in my apartment, because it was closer and you just, one moment I held you and you were crying but the next thing I know you're in my arms, passed out cold and I had to get you somewhere-"

I placed one hand on his rambling mouth as he kneeled by the sofa.

"Okay, I'm okay, I'm not freaking out or anything," I murmured looking him in the eyes.

He let out a gush of air, "Good."

He hugged me then, tightly to his body. Lifting me up, he sat on the sofa himself and placed me on his lap sideways, rocking me softly.

"You had me worried back there a little bit, sweetheart."

I almost snorted at the words 'little bit'. "I'm fine now, Edward, really. It was just too much; the minister's words and then my thoughts together with it." I shook my head apologetically.

"It's okay, Bella. We can go there again tomorrow if you want," he offered softly.

"Yeah, I really have to…you know, see-them," I closed my eyes and laid my face to the crook of his neck, sucking in a deep breath through my clenched teeth.

We sat there for a few minutes in a comfortable silence, neither he nor me wanting to spoil the peaceful moment. It felt so good to be in someone's arms, the ones where I didn't have to be worried whether something would happen to me or not. Just feeling safe. Feeling like someone is here for me, to talk to, to share thoughts with. Or to hold each other, offer some comfort, laugh with. And eventually… I knew what he'd want eventually.

What I… What I would eventually want.

Yes, I was sure I would want to make love with him one day. But now I wasn't ready to do that.

I started to panic at the mere thoughts that he might really want it sooner or now or something. I wasn't ready for that. I couldn't do it just yet. I loved him, yes but my mind sometimes reacted differently than I really wanted and I couldn't help it. I knew I needed to tell him what had happened before we even did anything. Because without that it could be anything that would set off the panic within me and I would lose it and ruin the night.

"Tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours. Please?" Edward's voice broke through my musing.

I just stared at him feeling the crease on my forehead and he reached his hand up to smooth the skin there and to make the frown disappear.

"Bella?" he repeated, reminding me he'd asked a question. "Tell me,"

"I, I just…" of course I blushed and my nature forced me to look down.

"What?" he gently held me by my chin to keep the eye contact with me.

"I can't- I mean I don't know if you w-want to, I just can't – not yet," I forced my chin out of his hold and with my face red as tomato, averted my eyes again.

An understanding probably dawned on him as he replayed my words again. He grabbed my sides then I wondered briefly if I'd made him mad.

"You thought I wanted to-, I mean I wouldn't, you know do that. Not right now, not when you're not ready. I won't hurt you like that, Bella. I won't take an advantage of you."

I knew this, logically, I knew that. But my body just had some instinctual protective system ever since, and set off every time my thoughts or events in general led, or may have led in that direction.

"I'm sorry I know you wouldn't , do, do what he did. It's just, you know my body, it just-" he silenced me with a kiss and I froze at first, confused, but he pulled back before I had a chance to react any further.

"Stop. You have nothing to apologize for. I know you need time and I'm willing to wait. I sure as hell am not going to force you into anything. "

I hugged him tightly, "Thank you."

He kissed my hairline and stroked my sides.

"Let's watch some movies and have a nice evening," Edward suggested.

"Edward, my parents were buried today and you're-"

"Hush, Bella. This is pointless. You can't think about it every second. They surely wouldn't want you to stop living." He said softly but pointedly.

"I know I just…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish.

"Come on," he smiled crookedly at me, and my heart instantly melted.

"Okay,"

~O~

We ended up on a bunch of pillows on the floor in his living room, watching some James Bond movies and even laughed and made jokes about it. Edward didn't get what was so unbelievably hot about an armed guy who was getting spewing punches but getting back none, and found ridiculous that every woman turned her head after him.

I spent a generous amount of time explaining to him that one, mentioning how everything 007 did just looked hot as hell. He shook his head at me, throwing his head back in a fit of laugher.

"Oh my god," he smacked his hand against his face, and I leaned back from him, trying to look mad but he had me read.

"Oh Bella, don't even try," he crawled to me quickly, grabbing my hands when I tried to tickle his sides and tummy.

"Bella, Bella," he said, his voice disapproving. "I'm not ticklish, but let's find out if you are."

Of course I was ticklish, and a lot at that, and he gratified himself by discovering each place and tickling it thoroughly. When I was out of breath I was sure he'd just taken all the energy from my body, and I lay limb in the pillows, just for him to mock at me.

"See, what you get from teasing me, little girl," he murmured in my ear.

I laughed, but it sounded like a forced moan, "Oh god, no more. I'm giving up."

He smiled triumphantly down at me before kissing my forehead, but I right now, the bold Bella was on, and I locked my arms around his neck and used the last bit of energy to pull myself up a little, just to press my lips to his.

He stilled for a moment, probably not expecting the kiss after our previous encounter, but recovered quickly and returned the kiss. After a few moments of innocent kisses I pulled back, still a little out of oxygen from the tickling season.

"Remind me not to challenge you in anything like this ever again please," I rasped on his mouth.

He grabbed me and rolled us so that he was sitting in the pillows now with my head in his lap and stroked my hair gently.

"I must say I quite enjoyed myself," he laughed and leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"Why do I seem to believe you?" I asked, sarcasm seeping from every word.

I really enjoyed just sitting like that, laughing at random and normal things, while feeling the weight of the world being lift off of my shoulders.

I looked at Edward and saw how happy he looked and I knew he would be able to help me through anything if I wanted, because I'd been showing me his affection so sincerely, that I just couldn't doubt that. I more importantly, I wanted him to help me. I wanted him to help me while I told him the story that I had tried to suppress in the last week.

I knew the sooner this was done, the sooner he could help me, and the sooner I could face the consequences of what had happened.

Because there was too much left unsolved.

He was still somewhere out there, maybe even spying me now, and I had no idea. My own thoughts screamed at me to run and hide and I didn't want that. I didn't want to live years in fear that he might one day catch me again and maybe even kill me.

I wouldn't wait for that.

I wouldn't end up on the rock bottom because I had someone keeping me above the water I could have sunk in. But I didn't, because Edward was here and he would help me.

I just prayed he wouldn't be too disgusted with me. I didn't want to even think that I'd been used for some sick sexual purposes, but I had been used just for that. And as much as I didn't want to admit that to myself, even I was disgusted.

My body was used like some unworthy piece of trash, and then thrown away just like a used old worn-off toy.

I looked up at Edward, who I had ignored due my inner monologue, and saw him asleep with his head against the sofa. He looked so content, with a small smile playing on his lips and his hands under my head.

Suddenly I felt weird, like I didn't even belong with him in one room. Like sharing the room would make it infected by my impurity.

I felt so sick and my stomach heaved and I ran to the bathroom as quick as I could.

I was crouched over the toilet, throwing up when I heard Edward's voice and I wanted to die.

"Bella!" he exclaimed as soon as he saw me. "Fuck! Are you okay? Bella!"

He held my body, when the last thing I wanted him to do was see me like this. I needed some space to recover from my own repulsive thoughts and I needed to do it alone.

I got up slowly, feeling his arm around my waist all the time and rinsed my mouth with water.

"Would you take me to my place, please?" I said, not even recognizing my own voice.

"Sure," he said quietly.

I knew he knew something was up but I couldn't look him in the eyes confirm the disgust. It was enough I was disgusted with myself. I didn't need to see the disgust in his eyes, it would kill me on the spot.

~O~

He drove me to my place, but not once since the bathroom he spoke. I felt a slight stung in my insides, but I reminded myself I had no right to be mad at him for not talking to me.

I wouldn't want to talk to me too.

I felt like crying but knew it wouldn't help me right now to break down before him like this. I didn't want him to at least think of me I was some lost social case. But maybe he already knew that. Maybe I would never see him again because I had messed up things too much.

I didn't get a chance to think about that though, because he pulled over at the building my apartment was in. I didn't know what to do and felt a sudden rush of panic at the thought he might never want to see me again, but he opened his own door and walked over to mine before I had even time to concentrate on the raising panic.

The panic came back the moment he locked his perfect car. He went with me, pushing the square button for the elevator and we waited together in silence for the lift. I didn't even hear him breathing because my own breaths were making me deaf toward all that little sounds around me. I was sure he could hear my labored breathing though.

He didn't comment it on the way up and walked me to my door. Right that moment my head spun so wildly that I lost balance and fell right into his arms.

"Uhm, I-I'm sorry," I uttered, not looking at his face again.

"'S okay," he replied quietly.

But his voice showed me we were nowhere saying goodbye just yet. It startled me a little and I instinctively looked up to his astonishing face and wanted to died inside when I really admitted to myself how heartbreakingly beautiful he was. I was so not good enough for him.

I couldn't even comprehend how could I ever thing that this god creature could love me the way I loved him. it was impossible. Simply not happening.

"May I come in?" he asked in a small voice.

"I'd rather have some time…alone now," I tried to make my voice sound strong, but failed miserably.

"Bella, I can't let you alone now," he stated calmly.

"What? Why?" again meaning to sound pissed, sounded more like desperate weeping.

"I know something's budging you, and I'm not letting you alone. The last time I spoke to you and say you like this was at the hospital when you…" he trailed off not wanting to continue the offensive thought.

"You know what? Let me alone!" I shouted over-weakly, even though that was the last thing I wanted.

"That's not happening, Bella," his voice was calm but cold now. "You can hate me then, but I won't let you hurt yourself or worse."

I turned away from him and opened the door to my apartment and walked in, sure that he'd follow in too.

I thrown my useless body at the first thing I found at least a little comfortable; the sofa. I didn't deserve more.

"Bella, what happened when I fell asleep before?" he asked in the wary voice, sitting by my side next to the sofa I was on.

There was no reason avoiding this. Still, "I don't know what're you talking about."

He groaned but didn't even try to touch me, which seemed like the next logical step. I didn't blame him though, I was disgusted to touch myself too.

"Bella that's bullshit and you know it, so spit it, and do it now!" he roared at me and I actually cringed a little. "You don't know how it hurts even me to be like this at you, but you must tell me," he ordered, his voice still strained.

"I-I-I just, I j-just," I stuttered I was starting to shake with fear because I just didn't know what to say and he looked so mad.

But really, what was I supposed to say? That I had remember it all? That I was so disgusted with myself that I don't even get how he could ever touch me, let alone kiss me? That when I'd put myself in his position I would have thrown up just at the thought of kissing me? That I was just gross and not worthy to be touched gently and lovingly because that possibility had been taken away from me?

"I-I am, just p-please, d-don't," I turned my head away from him.

"Bella, sorry, I didn't want to yell at you, you don't have to be afraid of me, but I understand if you are," he sounded really remorseful now and if I weren't obsessed with other thoughts I would have punched him right now.

"I'm not afraid, I just," I pulled up on my knees, kneeling on the couch now, hugging a pillow tightly to my breasts.

"What, Bella? You need to tell me," he sat up on the sofa in front of me.

I screwed my eyes shut so hard that my eyelids really hurt but I didn't care, I took a deep breath because I knew if he wanted to know he would get it out of me eventually.

"I, we, we were talking about making love at first you know, and I just, I realized how, just how disgusted I am with even myself. Let alone to ever think you would want to touch me that way. And it all made me think back about what happened and how he marked me. How I will never feel just clean because every time some good soul would try to claim me theirs that way, I would have those horrible images before my eyelids, reminding me over and over that I was used that way,"

I cried so hard at this point that somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered, whether my words were even intelligible enough to make out.

I didn't even realized I was rocking back and forth, hugging my own form until his hands rested on my shoulders to stop the movement and I looked up at him in slight surprise.

His expression shocked me. Literally kicked the wind out of me because I'd never seen a man crying before. Never, ever.

"Sweetheart I can't even begin to express how sorry I am that those horrible things must have happened to you," next loud sob broke through my throat and I leaned over my knees as if to put myself into a tinny ball and possibly disappear.

"I love you, Bella. No matter what happened back then, I love you. Nothing could ever lead me to do otherwise. You are so beautiful, not just outside, but inside you're perfect. You're a loving person, you can laugh the way that makes my heart melt and your simple content smile makes me want to be good enough for you. But what happened just makes you feel stronger and I know that with time, you will see so yourself."

I listened to his words and fervently wanted them to be true. I wanted to believe them so much and I tried to process them in my head the way it should make sense, but it still didn't feel right. It still felt as if he wasn't telling me everything or that he wasn't absolutely honest.

This thought hit me like a hard punch to my stomach. He couldn't be absolutely perfectly honest with me, or I just wasn't able to see it that way because he didn't know what had happened back then.

How he could say he loved me or that he wasn't disgusted with me when he didn't know what I had come through.

In that moment I knew I needed to tell him. I knew I needed to get it out if I wanted some solution. Even when I wasn't sure what that solution might be, I owed it to Edward. He'd done so much for me in such a short amount of time and I knew that if it weren't for him I would have been still in the hospital, and they would've been trying to talk me into talking to a shrink and it wouldn't have worked.

I'd come so far since hospital, that it wasn't even possible.

Yeah, I most definitely owed this to Edward.

"Do you understand?" he cradled my face in his hands, drawing subtle circles on my cheeks. "You mean so much to me."

That was enough, or I hoped it was enough, to make up my mind. I took a deep, deep breath and looked for the last remainders of the courage I had left, and spoke as evenly as I could.

"I think you deserve to know about that night."


Author's notes:

So next chapter, yeah, Bella tells the story. The whole story.

Please hit the little review button?

Thanks for reading, means a lot to me.

~ Teri