From the previous chapter:
For the first time in my life I wanted to take my words back. For the first time in my life, I really regret what I said. Still, I swallowed the new pain and emotion which made my palms sweaty and my eyes to lose their lights, but I also knew too well, that if I ever do that, it will be the end of me, for Him, to say that; for Him, though He deserves to know that I knew I was wrong, there is nothing to do about it now, but apologize in another way, without even with a slight connection to the two surely different events, but the words would hurt Him, humiliate Him, because I'm sure it would mean betrayal.
'I'm sure He thinks I'm strong because of everything I've showed Him every time I met Him. I'm sure He thinks I will never take my words back, no matter what. And I won't, but for once, I wish I never found out how wrong I was, never knew the truth, but now, there's no way back.' This thought was the only one which encouraged me enough to raise my head up from the ground and from the sadness which I inhaled and let spread for a second through my entire body.
To look once again at Him, as he carefully places the body inside the hole, then stands and closes His eyes, as they all do, praying for the lost soul. The only one who didn't close His eyes, and didn't pray was in fact me, staring at Him, a bit far, but still in front of me. Staring at all of Him and talking with Him. With my entire being screaming out to Him, non-verbally communicating, and trying to reach Him and embrace Him with if possible, not my words, not my message but with the warmth that I feel and the regret altogether because the message was simple, the words were too little and too insignificant for the huge real feeling, screaming for Him to hear, begging Him, crying out to Him from my entire being: I'm sorry.
And even though my feelings were pure, I never thought He would also open up His eyes to talk with mine.
The actual chapter:
I couldn't explain what I felt. I couldn't explain anything in that moment. I was just present. But not with my legs, my hands or not even with my brain, just with my eyes. Connected with His.
Chapter 7: Thought I forgot
Everything was still and quiet. Just the wind sang its song with the sand of the dessert. While the men all around us were with their head bowed and their eyes closed, praying for the dead which stood before me in the hole which became its grave, and after it, stood the only man besides myself which had his eyes wide open and His mind free of any thoughts, or at least, mine was free of prayers, not of thoughts. Because I wasn't sure if He felt my glace, heard my thoughts, felt my emotions, or finished praying. But no matter which one of them was, I couldn't ask now. Even if I was almost completely sure He wouldn't answer anyway.
His gaze wasn't forcing me to also bow my head like the rest or to do anything else. He just stared intensely at me, within my eyes while my thoughts still weren't done talking: 'I'm sorry for what I said. I'm so sorry. I get it now. You were protecting them. You really care about them. You…you...' But my words got lost, and evaporated as if they were blown away with the runaway sand. His gaze disfigured them, declaring them unworthy, declaring them unimportant and not fit for this moment, these feelings which seem wrong. Suddenly realizing that, my mind unlocked or mostly deciphered the sentence which held an important truth for me: 'These feelings aren't close to some freaking feelings of gratefulness ...aren't they? I mean, they are not my feelings! The feelings of the citizens, of the soldiers, they are not minding…so what is it, what is it that I keep going back and forth with? I'm grateful? Feeling admiration or respect? Both?' The thought bothered me because it had no end. Another part of my mind made me pay attention to another certain thought: 'But why is it so important what you're feeling for Him? Just follow Him if you want, and that's it!' But it didn't convince me.
Because outside, He continued to watch me and I just couldn't refuse His eyes which held some emotion to it, as if it was that blue flame itself burning, but burning just for me. A secret created and designed just for me. Though his eyes stripped me of any thought of gratefulness or anything close to it, I felt naked. He's pulling desperately at invisible curtains which are covering my eyes. And that's when I figured out what interested me so much about my own feelings: 'I'm different than them. First, wanting to be a part of His army without any concrete reason and now watching Him like that without any feeling of what they all have for them, they just don't fit me, I just copy them and make them my own, there's something more, but I just can't put my finger on it to realize what it is.' The thought made the corner of my lips rise a little just at the sudden conclusion: 'I guess I must wait.' But what really made me smile was that it wasn't bothering me at all, I was excited to wait.
After the funeral ended or whatever it really was, there were still some confusing feelings in my heart and mind, but I ignored it with my entire being when I realized that something else needed my attention. 'Cause after it, they all went to different places but I had nowhere to go, I just couldn't turn back to Sisay, it was out of question for me, and He seemed to have realized that because He nodded with His head in my direction, telling me to follow Him and this is exactly what I did. And this time I followed Him underground, willingly. Without anybody tying me up and forcing me to go in some place I can't even see. Therefore, knowing the reason why He smiled when I stepped on the cold stone once again. Going from where we also came back from. Walking on too many stairs to count, deeper and deeper, I wondered if His house or room, is the same like the one in which I was captive for too much to ever feel comfortable in it again.
But it seems that when it comes to Him, I'm just irremediably and completely wrong. I was just convinced of that when my feet reached old but tasteful wooden floor, and nicely decorated walls, not to mention the comfortable sensation the place radiated with its many couches and armchairs, paintings and bookcases, tables and pillows. Felt like home. But I could recognize the loneliness from it, having myself an empty house, or had. Just the one cup of coffee, just the one opened book, just the one disturbed or used place, just one. Never more.
"You can stay as long as you want." He said as a conclusion of my inspection which was anything, but not subtle while He also gave me a glass with red wine though I was so concentrated that I didn't even saw Him pouring it. But my inspection actually stopped at Him as he sat down on an armchair in the corner of the room, where I actually supposed that it's His favorite place 'cause a book on a small table stood beside it with also a huge white mug of coffee. However, it wasn't the underground comfort, but how simple everything was, or He was. The way he comfortably stood on the armchair and not to mention His sentence which was way too ordinary. As if talking to a friend or a lover…
'What am I thinking about? Of course everything's normal.' I convinced myself as I drank a bit too much from the wine. 'If He saves people and leads an army doesn't mean He has to live in a castle. He's just normal, so why am I so surprised? I would've been really pissed off it I saw a servant or a slave.' I thought and suddenly realized that I also nodded my head from left to right in negation, but all He did to my action was smirk a little, as if amused. Embarrassed, I couldn't but fight back a smirk which also appeared on my lips, even if mine was more of a little smile.
"What's so funny?" I asked Him in a casual voice and He accepted it with kind eyes as if He expected me to ask, and if I think better, I would've expected me to ask also, because each time He did something, every time something occurred, I asked Him something, declared I need to know and announced He just won't answer like any ordinary human to a normal question which was true. But I guess lately, it depends on the question. First time we met, He didn't even look at me properly, now He's even talking to me…smirking at me.
"I can only guess what you're thinking, but I'm certain I'm right." He said with the same clear but warm voice, and His eyes never left mine while they also still had kindness and some other feeling I couldn't tell what it was but it wasn't anything negative at all. Quite the opposite, He seemed to be in quite a good mood for someone that just came from a funeral. Not to mention that He's also drinking wine but still, His eyes won't leave mine though his actions are as graceful as if He's looking just at the glass, maneuvering it.
"Where's the castle? The servants? The weapons and the shackles?" He said in some ironic but still amused voice while His smirk never faded and the light from His eyes gleamed deeper and somehow, happier. While listening to Him, I nodded my head in affirmation, saying: 'Exactly.' From without my very core, realizing that yes, He maybe is able to read minds or number two, I really am that predicable when something bothers me as everybody says.
"No, for real, that was what I was thinking about. It's all so…" I said and moved my hands frantically around, trying to find the perfect word to describe the situation, my feelings and His comportment, posture and personality in one single word.
"Natural?" He resumed Himself to this one little word while I also accepted it and let it go, thinking that this is the best word which can describe this. But I never realized that during our conversation, I got closer to Him, and He leaned to be closer to me. He was still sitting comfortable on His armchair while I realized I took steps ahead and now I'm sitting on the floor which is covered with an also comfortable carpet, sitting right in front of His armchair and looking up to Him. He poured more wine from a bottle from the table beside the armchair, to Him and to me. We drank and occasionally made remarks about the men from the army, the one I know nothing about but the ones He's talking about with such warmth and content.
I realized we were very close when the palm of His hand which was resting on his mouth and I swear He wanted to cover His smirk with that gesture, was now caressing my cheek while His smirk was still present and in His eyes I saw a different emotion than the last time I've been so attentive at His black gleaming eyes. I moved my head a bit to left while after He took the empty glass of wine from my hand, to look at the also empty bottle.
I didn't move away when His hand returned on my cheek, but it also reminded me too well about when He first did this and that was in His own cell, some time ago, and in that time He was the same, amused of something. Then, I thought He was playing with me, now, His gesture is so sweet and simple, His eyes so gentle and kind, that I can't move at all. Seduced by His every move, every breath and though at that time I couldn't understand what was happening at all, maybe because of the wine, or maybe because I just felt happy, I just accepted everything He gave me without thinking further though it was quite obvious that He isn't doing this gesture to every man in the army. Though it would look hideous with some huge man which is really part of His army, while He's almost the same as them, though slimmer but still tall, I'm smaller than Him, thinner than Him. In front of them, I'm just some child. In front of Him, He's dominant but I don't mind, and I don't even know why.
"You know…I was wondering…" I started while He never took His eyes off of me and also didn't take His hand. "Why didn't you let us help you with digging the grave for that man? Or more like, why didn't any of them help you?" I asked while looking at the carpet and His eyes lost just a millimeter from their shine, and also His smirk lost just a centimeter from its good mood, still, He responded: " The leader must bury His soldiers, He must do everything Himself, that's the rule." He said with a cold voice, as if dictating or reading from a book right now, but that wasn't why some coldness appeared in His voice, it was the subject, the fact and the reality of it.
"Who wrote these rules?" I asked a bit revolted though I would've made some exasperated move but I didn't. Not to move His hand. But His smirk grew at this question and I could also feel in His voice as he answered me: "I did."
I smiled a bit embarrassed once again. 'Should've figured that out sooner.' I thought feeling a bit out of place once again but as if someone else was speaking through my mouth, I continued something anyone would know not to ask right after a funeral: "But who was He? Why did he die?" But though I really don't know with what power He didn't react to this, He continued to caress my cheek and to stare at me, though I can't tell exactly where. 'My vision's a bit blurry' I barely even heard this passing thought.
"He was a good soldier, but I guess He had bad luck, He was smart, but also liked to drink, more than the rest. I guess He went to the battle field drunk again." He said with a voice which I couldn't recognize as warm or cold. But just content that it was the truth, that He couldn't do nothing about it. That was when I faced His eyes. The picture which stuck into my mind arose once again to the surface. His eyes from when He stood after the grave looking at me, talking to me, and confusing me. But now, His eyes were different, no pain in them, a blind warm feeling radiating from Him but I just couldn't tell why and how.
"You seem… happy." I said though I knew it was a mistake to say something like that but it was the truth and I just couldn't stop myself from saying this, still, it didn't affect Him at all. Instead He leaned closer to me and I felt the need to move closer to Him, thinking that He wants to say something, and in some way He did, but without words. His lips were parted but I realized that He won't talk anymore and His eyes seemed even more content about something, He leaned so close to me that I could feel His breath on my neck. In that moment, I felt so seduced and so blind that I still thought that He wants to say something in my ear but the words never came. I actually believed it.
Though, instead, He grinned into my shoulder and His breath made me ticklish, but it wasn't ordinary, it excited me in some way it never happened to me before. And when He moved His head, His breath traveling from the nape of my neck, his hair tickling me in a way that made electricity rise up my spine, to my ear which was sensible and attentive, and then at the left of my lips, I got up as if burned. 'We breathed the same air.' I thought alarmed as the second when His breath collided with mine, so close, that our lips almost touched. I panicked.
He looked up at me, this time, I wasn't the one looking up at Him and His eyes weren't happy and warm anymore, but worried and blurry. That, I could tell. But the reality came too heavy on my shoulder and I felt my knees too weak. And my eyes were staring at Him, but I still couldn't understand why He did that, or truly, why He positioned Himself so close to me. But I knew, I wasn't stupid, but I didn't want to let myself realize. I refused to.
"It's been a long day and I'm tired, where I can sleep?" I asked suddenly, knowing that I needed to get away because the realization will sink in. 'If I look at Him again I will figure everything out, come on, say it!' I closed my eyes but I guess it was a bad move because I heard Him rising up from His place, and I knew He was standing in front of me and when His hand touched my cheek again, my eyes snapped open on their own, to look up at Him once again. 'He's way too tall.' I thought into the back of my mind, while I felt hopeless, thought that if He does something, I can't stop it. 'I hate it!' I declared as I moved one step back, refusing His touch.
"The door from your left." He said and I immediately looked there to actually see a door. I almost ran to it and I knew it was childish. But I couldn't say I knew what I wanted, couldn't say yes or no, and couldn't even realize why I was so scared. After all… nothing happened.
The door from my left proved to be indeed a room with a bed, nightstands, huge wooden closet but I had no clothes, and what I liked the most was the bathroom connected to it. I almost ran to it, almost hit my leg on the bed, but entered and turned the water on immediately. Stripped and soon enough, warm water embraced me when I sat down in the bathtub. But I couldn't relax. All I did was put my hands on my eyes and tried to refuse the memory of His touch which still bothered my cheek and my neck. "Why?" I asked the silence and the silence answered me.
The fresh memory played into my mind and all I did was to let myself finally realize: 'You saw it coming, didn't you? Always getting into this kind of trouble, but now you're in deep shit; He's the freaking King of this fucking place! You wanted to get close to Him? Now you have it!' I yelled to myself but it had no effect. What really bothered me was in fact how I reacted to the given situation. 'I didn't want to refuse His touch, didn't wanted to get up. And I must've done something to make Him do that, but what? I didn't even think about it. Well, I stared at Him a lot and talked to Him a lot…but just like …friends?'
"I don't have friends!" I yelled and splashed the water all around to look at the glitter of it, the luster, which reminded me of snow. So white and innocent but it's oh so easy to dirty, snow.
"Shut up!" I screamed as I covered my eyes once again and left my head to rest on the edge of the bathtub.
But the memory came closer to me, whispered into my ear until I saw everything, just a trace, but it was enough, just a photo but it made me get up and really run.
*"You're tired? I'm sure you are. Let me help you get undressed Naruto." The man said as he slid his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Despite his actions, he indeed took off my shirt but while staying too close to him. I didn't say a word. I was too scared. But then he took off my pants and my boxers too and I felt a bit shy in my nudity, but I was also too scared to ask him to stop, because I wanted those clothes. But as stubborn as I always was since birth, I told him what bothered me:
"I'm cold." I complained and at this, he smiled a smile so mean that I couldn't but want to walk away and never look at him again. A smile I didn't like but had to trust. The man who saved me. I had to trust him even when he touched my nipples and then spread my legs while saying with the same smile on his face: 'I'll help you get warm.'
But I still had to trust him because I promised, promised I will. At least until winter ended. And I did, but I had never been the same again. Never trusted anybody again. Just because trusting someone weighed too heavy a price, all the pain and the humiliating pleasure, a scar that never faded away not even when the sun was strong again.
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled into the pillows as I embraced them harder until my chuckles turned white and my hands hurt from the force I applied. But so, the memory went quiet, and in the sudden silence, I've been able to fall asleep. Even though I still wish I never feel asleep that night. Even though, I heard the door from my room opening, I heard footsteps coming closer, but I was too drunk and too tired to care.
To be continued…
Done. Sorry for taking so long. And also,this chapter is beta'd by konakisen.
If you have any suggestions, questions or praising to say, don't hesitate.
The next chapter won't take so long (I hope) Thank you for reading.
