This Axe

"It is the duty of a talented and honorable man to find a noble cause to fight for. If he chooses the wrong cause, he can blame only himself for his ignorance. Today I die, and in my idiocy mourning for me is pointless." - Tian Feng, Chief Advisor to Yuan Shao

With this axe, a million lives have met their end.

With this life, I have taken far more than I've given.

It is said that he who ends a conflict without a single casualty is the greatest general of all, yet all I have seen is death. This axe has been stained red from years of slaughter and battlefield triumph... But that's all. I am merely a murderer with medals and prestige, but after killing so many, where is my honor?

My friend Guan Yu was in dire straights when we fought him at Yencheng. Had I known that Lu Meng was totally after his head, I may have not pressed him so cruelly, but I chose my lord, and he his, and thus we were forced to fight so heartlessly.

Now I lie in this cot, having been shot in the face by a traitor. But in the end somehow I can't blame Meng Da as much. Yes, he is a dirty coward with no genuine sense of loyalty, but in the end he has a point.

My lord Cao Cao was not a particularly kind man, at least not to the common man. He could be ruthless and cruel, Xuzhou can attest to that.

And as Meng Da has shown us, even though one can betray the nation of Shu Han, they are forgiving enough to accept one back. Or perhaps this is another of Zhuge Liang's schemes... If he is so farseeing, Master Sima will have to be far more careful...

I sense a haze covering my vision, and perhaps Tian Feng was right. You cannot afford to regret what you have done under the cause you serve, because if you do your regret for your "ignorance" will destroy you, as it did him. He chose the wrong cause, and unlike Feng Ji and Guo Tu, both dishonorable to the core, Tian Feng was unable to live long and perished underneath his lord's sword. Is that not a pitiful end for a strategist of at least Fa Zheng's caliber?

I chose my path of bloodshed and ruin, and thus I die today proud of that path. I have fought hard like a true warrior, like a true champion, and I will die with my glory and valor. Damn these wayward thoughts! I am not a murderer, I am a hero, and history will...!

...

Xu Huang