STILL do not own anything Twilight and I still love playing with her characters.

A/N: Thank you for all who take the time to read my story and I am sorry if the grammar is off like I said before this is a learning experience for me and I learn by action so please bear with me. Also I still have not found a beta yet. Well here goes Bella's story.

Still haven't found a BETA yet so this story is not beta'd do please excuse grammar it's a work in progress and a learning experience

Chapter 7

Letting it all out

I sat on the rock in between Jasper's legs looking out over Lake Michigan wondering where to start and how much I wanted to tell him. I think I should just start from the beginning and just let it all out. Letting go of all my walls that I spent my whole life building, for the first time ever, and the fucked up thing is I trust him enough to tear them all down. Even when I was with Edward I never let him know the real me. I only let him see what I thought he wanted to see. I never let Edward really know me and how I really felt about things, I mean I did love him but not the fire and passion I feel around Jasper. That was why I choose Edward in the first place because he was safe I knew that even if he left me I would move on. Even though I was hurt and went through hell after he left I was more devastated that the whole family was gone. I always thought that when Edward finally got tired or bored with me I would have Alice and Esme but they all left. I was sad when Edward left and my heart was broken and shattered because I really did love him. But I missed the whole family and the life I always imagined with them. Now when I am here in Jasper's arms I realize I loved the safety of Edward and the idea of family not the boy he was. Because if I had to face one thing Edward was a boy and I was a girl we were not grown and we did not understand what passion and life meant. Edward always showed me love but never bothered to look into my soul. He never knew the real me but I guess it's because we were too young. But whenever I was around Jasper everything was on fire, it was like an explosion that was blinding me and that scared the hell out me. It scared me because if I let him in and it didn't work I could never go on.

While all these thoughts were running rampant through my head Jasper was waiting very patiently for me to begin. He was playing with my hair and rubbing my arm in encouragement. I steadied myself taking several deep breaths, breathing in the smell of him from his jacket that I was still wearing. I turned my head to look in his eyes and my whole body lit on fire. Because I know that after I tell him how I have felt about him since the first time I saw him that things are going to change. The messed up thing is that I want them to change I want him to grab me and kiss me with the passion I see burning in his blue eyes. I want him to make me forget all the bad shit that happened to me and I want him to forget all the bad shit that he went through when our lips touch.

"Bella sweetheart is something wrong?" Jasper said with fear in his voice.

"No Jasper nothing is wrong I'm just trying to figure out how to say the things I want to say." I said barely above a whisper.

"It's okay to take your time Bella I know how hard it is to say the things that are hard. Hell I just told you things I haven't told anyone not even Rose."

He looked heartbroken like maybe he said too much and scared me away. I need to let him know that he didn't.

"Thanks Jasper I just don't know where to start. And don't worry I am very happy you told me everything. Now I just want to tell you everything I have been holding in. I want you to know that I trust you more than anyone. I want to tell you everything. It's just so fucking hard to say what I have never told anyone before. I have kept a lot of things in for so long but when I'm with you I want to tell you all of it! I want you to know the real Bella not the mask I put on for everyone else." By now tears are already streaming down my face. I cannot breath right until I inhale his scent to calm me. Yeah this is going to go just fucking great I haven't said shit yet and I'm already crying like a little cry baby bitch. What if he doesn't want to know this shit? What if I scare him away? And just like that he put all my fears to rest.

"Bella I see how scared you are and believe me when I say this" he grabs my face between his hands and stares deep into my eyes, "I want to know everything about my Bella! Yes MY BELLA like you said you feel like you can tell me anything! And you're fucking right because I want to know EVERYTHING! From your favorite color to what makes you smile to what you need me to do to stop you from being afraid! I want all of you Bella! I don't care if you don't want all of me! I fucking told you whatever you need of me I am fucking here for you!"

I looked at him and saw the truth in his words and the courage to go on boiled inside me. "Okay" I said with confidence in my voice.

"Just start at the beginning I want to know everything about you. I want to know the Bella you are so scared to show everyone else. I know you hide things I can see it in your eyes. I just want you to trust me and let me in. I promise I will never hurt you." I looked deep into his eyes as he spoke and I could see curiousness, a touch of sadness, and above all I could see the love he felt for me. I hope that is what he really feels.

I cleared my throat and faced back towards the lake. I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me and leaned as far as I could into his chest. I hope I can get through this without breaking into sobs because I was already fucking crying.

"I guess I will take your advice and start from the beginning as you did. Before I came to Forks I lived with my mom we moved to Arizona when I was 4. My mom loved to party but I guess having me held her back. Every year I would spend two weeks with my dad over the summer and it seemed that she just couldn't wait for me to go. I would spend the two weeks with my dad in Forks but we usually were in La Push with Billy and his family. That is where I met Jacob we were best friends growing up even though we only saw each other two weeks every summer. Those two weeks were the happiest time I spent every year. I would beg my dad to let me live with him but he said a young girl needs to have a mom to take care of her needs. He had no fucking idea what she did. How many guys she brought home from the bars all fucking drunk and stupid. I was so scared I didn't know what those men would do or who the hell they were. She was using so many drugs she didn't know I was there half the time. She threated me if I told Charlie I would pay a hefty price. I was young I believed her she only wanted me there for the child support and allowances Charlie sent. There was never food in the house I would make sure I made it to school just to eat. I was shy and lonely no one liked me. I was the outcast with the drunken whore of a mother. She would even fuck some of the dads at my school and the kids would find out and call her a whore. They would call me the whore in training and throw shit at me or if I was really lucky I was ignored."

I looked out at the lake again trying to compose myself for the hard parts. Instead of hurt and pain the anger I felt for my mother started to boil through my veins like wild fire. I took deep calming breaths and counted to ten because I felt like screaming.

"For the most part the men just fucked her and did drugs with her. They ignored me and I would lock my door and put a chair in front of it so no one would or could get into my room. A few of the men tried to touch me but I would tell them my dad was the chief and they would get scared and back off. Then when I was 10 she met Phil and married him. At first she cleaned her shit up because he was a minor league baseball player and couldn't do drugs because the players were tested. Everything was finally okay she pretended to play mother of the year at first. She was cooking and cleaning and sending me off to school. Then they both started drinking and shit all fell apart. Whenever my mom would pass out drunk Phil would say things like "come on Isabella don't you want to sit on your step daddy's lap," "or come here baby girl and give daddy a kiss," I was repulsed and tried to hide from him. One night my mom was out at the bar by herself and I snuck to the bathroom as quietly as possible. That bastard must have heard me because when I got to my room I locked the door like I always did."

Now the tears were pouring out of my eyes and my fists were clenched to my sides. I was terrified to look at Jazz because I could hear his chest heaving in and out and his heart was beating fiercely in his chest. He took his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose the same way the Edward did when he was really fucking pissed off. Then he grabbed me and held me tightly to his chest like a life vest as if that would make the memories disappear and that gesture gave me the courage to continue. I took a very deep breath and wiped the tears away.

"I turned around and Phil was lying on my bed ass naked and t, touching himself. I sank to the ground and started crying for Charlie. He said "Charlie can't help me and Renee is too busy getting fucked up to care. So be a good little girl and come lie down by daddy and let me play because if you don't let me play then things will get a whole lot worse." I started sobbing and begging for him to just leave me alone. He came over to me picked me off the ground and held me against his naked chest and said "I'm only gonna play I won't hurt you as long as you be a good little girl and play along. I promise I won't hurt you not yet because that fruit is not ripe yet."

At this point I could no longer see anything I was crying so hard everything was blurry. Jasper picked me up and straightened out his legs so I was back on his lap. He was holding me sideways across his lap rocking us back and forth and I could see the tears running down his cheeks at almost the same pace as mine.

"I promise you Bella sweetheart I will always be here for you! I won't let anyone hurt you ever again! And if I EVER SEE THAT MOTHER FUCKER I WILL KILL HIM!"

"N,no Jasper you can't then you will get into trouble and will leave me! I am not telling you any of this for you to get avenge me! I just want you to know EVERYTHING! No more fucking secrets! I want us to move forward with no past to haunt us. I am telling you this because these are the nightmare that I have. These are the reasons I wake up in yours arms because you make me feel safe. When you hold me in my sleep you chase them away and I can finally sleep peacefully. I just want to put this behind me and talking about it is the only way to get rid of him!"

"Bella I can promise you I won't kill him because I never want to leave you. But I cannot promise I would seriously hurt him if I ever see his face!"

Jasper wiped the tears out of my eyes and kissed the corners of each eye. I put my hands on his face and took my thumbs and wiped his tears away as well, took another calming breath and continued.

"Phil took me over to my bed and laid us down next to each other. He started touching himself again and told me to call him daddy. I repeated everything he told me to say. I was so fucking scared I didn't know what to do. For once in my life I prayed for Renee to come home. She never did though. He continued to play with himself and started rubbing his hand up and down my thighs and under my nightgown. He climbed on top of me and rubbed himself on me on top of my clothes. I couldn't breathe because he had all his weight on me. I guess he realized this at one point because he moved back to the side and finished himself off. After he was done he kissed my cheeks and said it was our little secret and when my fruit was ripe he would be back to collect the fruit. I had no fucking idea what he was talking about I mean I already knew about sex but the way he was talking I just didn't understand shit. The next morning he went to practice and Renee finally came home. She was hung over and I told her what happened. She started calling me a little whore and a home wrecker. The next thing I knew she was calling Charlie and telling him she couldn't handle me anymore. That was the happiest fucking day of my life. I was finally gonna get away from her and go to my dad. He was the only person I felt safe with."

The tears finally stopped falling and I smiled remembering how happy my dad was when I got off the plane and was finally going to live with him permanently. Jasper notice the change in my mood and he held me closer to his chest and started moving his fingers lightly down my arm over his jacket and down to my knee. He placed his hand there to see if I was going to stop him or to see if it upset me. When I didn't stop him he kept rubbing his hand up and down my leg never putting his hand under my dress. I think he was scared because of what I just told him or he figured I was not ready for that yet. But his hands felt so fucking hot and my skin was tingling under his touch. Every time his hand moved up and down my leg it was as if the memories of that bastard flew away and hot searing heat and passion were replaced. Not even Edward could touch me without me flinching slightly from the fucked up memories when he would ask I would tell him I was ticklish and he never pressed so I never told him why.

I started speaking again to finish because for once I was not nervous because basically I was passed the worst. The rest was confessing my feelings for him and telling him where I was when all the shit went down and why I never caught on to what they were doing.

"When I got to Forks I decided not to tell Charlie anything I just couldn't face the shit. I wanted to forget and start a new life. In Forks I was the daughter of the chief and not the daughter of a whore. No one knew about Renee all they knew was she took off on Charlie early in the marriage. Charlie said I could visit her when shit calmed down he thought she couldn't handle me that I was acting out. In fact the day before school he made me promise not to cause any trouble. I smiled at him and said I loved him and not to worry that I just wanted to live with him and not Renee. He didn't understand but he didn't ask either. Then I started school and as I was sitting in the office in came Alice dancing her way towards me. I smiled at her shyly and she said we were going to be best friends and like sisters. I was so happy to be accepted that I left my past and didn't want to look back. However the nightmares were always there Phil would always haunt my dreams. Anyway that first day I came to your house and I met Edward. We locked gazes I was so taken by those green eyes I had never seen such green I couldn't look away."

I felt Jasper freeze and let his grip loosen on me a little so I turned towards him and put my hand on his face and looked into his eyes and tried to convince him to just let me finish. He looked back into my eyes and gently shook his head yes for me to continue. I saw one tear slowly roll down his face so I took my finger and caught it and shook my head no. He leaned in and smelled my hair and tightened his grip on me again. So I began because I wanted him to know that even if I was telling him things that were hard for him to hear he need to know them. I needed to put Edward behind me and I needed him to know that Edward would not me an issue. I also needed him to know that I needed shit between Edward, James, and I to finish before I took the steps to be his Bella.

"Then you came into the room and as our eyes met and instantly blue became my favorite color." I said with a bright smile.

I gestured to my blue dress to prove my point and he looked down at me and squeezed me and kissed the top of my head inhaling my scent again.

"I finally looked away from Edward to Rosalie and she rolled her eyes and walked away. Then I saw you and I looked into your eyes my body lit on fire and you were holding the torch everything disappeared except you. I couldn't feel Alice who was pulling on my arm or Edward whom was still looking into my eyes. It was only you and it scared the hell out of me I was only 12 I didn't understand what I was feeling. My whole body was on fire and then you spoke and said "hi my name is Jasper I'm very pleased to meet you," then Edward jumped on you. I didn't know what the hell was going on Alice dragged me to her room and said "boys."

Jasper was playing in my hair again and his body was finally relaxed as I told him of my first impression of him. I turned to look at him and he had the biggest shit eating grin on his face. I could see the wheels in his head turning and I knew at that point that we both had felt the same fire when our gazes met for that first time.

"Well as time went on I was so happy at your house. Alice and I became close I tried with Rose but we only bonded when Alice wasn't around. I would always catch you looking at me and I would sneak looks at you as well. But as you know Edward had other plans. I was scared of my feelings for you I was scared to be hurt. I did love Edward don't get me wrong but I never felt that fire I felt when I looked at you. I just didn't know if you felt the same and I was too scared to find out and I was scared of my feelings. I knew that you had the power to break my soul not just my heart and that terrified the shit out of me. I knew Edward loved me and I loved him in many ways he always made me feel safe and loved. Besides I really thought that you had feelings for Alice I had no idea about the other girls you were messing with. I was caught in my life with Edward I really didn't pay close attention. Any way I knew about Alice cheating on you but I didn't want to see you hurt or tell on my sister. I loved her I still do. I fucking forgive her for everything. She was fucked up like me and I don't blame her for any of it. I really fucking miss her."

Jasper rubbed my arms and comforted me but said nothing. I guess he still had hard feelings for her not that I blame him after I seen the scars that were caused because of her crazy games. Then I feel his dick harden again and he slightly bucks his hips up while I'm still sitting on his lap. What the fuck is up with that? Either he really likes me, especially on his lap, because let's face it we are having a really serious conversation here or he is really fucking horny. Not that I mind either way because it feels so good to me that his body is reacting to me like this. But it is really distracting me because I'm getting wetter by the second and ready to say fuck the talking and start grinding on his lap. My body is on fire and I need to focus because I don't want to go there yet. I really need to put shit behind me first.

I start to talk but this time it's barely above a whisper because he is not going to like what I am about to tell him. I am about to tell him where I was that summer when everything went to hell and why I was not around.

But instead I blurt out "fuck this shit is hard to say with you doing that!"

He freezes instantly and stops I turn to look at his face and it's crumpled into a sad grimace. He really looks hurt. Fuck I got to fix this!

"I didn't mean it that way Jasper! I just meant you're really making it hard to focus when I want to turn around and just let shit happen and forget everything else!" I say to him with the passion and desire in my voice.

"I would say fuck it and grab you and take you now Bells but I know we need to finish this talk. I am sorry it's just so fucking hard to stop when I finally got you in my arms and in my lap admitting how you feel about me. I will try to control myself but I can't promise my body will corporate." Jasper was blushing his ass off.

I turned and smiled at him because I could totally understand hell I'm sitting here wet as hell but there was no way in hell I was admitting that shit. So instead I kissed his cheek and wrapped my arms around his neck and played with the hair at the nape of his neck. He wrapped his arms around my body and placed his face into the crock of my neck and I felt something warm and wet move slowly from the base of neck up to my ear. It set my body and fire and I shivered. I could get used to this. I let out a moan and it excited him because he started sucking and I couldn't bring myself to stop him. He started moving his hands to my waist and I pulled on his hair more and I wanted to kiss him so bad but I couldn't. He started to leave a trail of kisses up the side of my neck, then up the side of my cheek, and to the corner of my mouth. He pulled away and looked into my eyes and down to my lips asking for permission. So I crushed my lips to his with the passion that was flowing through my body and at first he was caught off guard but then he returned the passion with just as much force. He licked my bottom lip and I opened my mouth slightly to allow entrance and we started move our tongues like a dance. I don't know why but my body started moving on its own and I was grinding on his lap. He reacted by trusting his hips up into me and I yelped in surprise and he smiled against my lips and then he deepened the kiss and I was lost in the fire and passion. My hands were tugging in his hair and his were moving up and down my torso and around my back and then finally into my hair. When his hands made it into my hair he broke the kiss so we could breath and kissed up and down my neck again. We were both moaning and I was still grinding on his lap and he was thrusting himself into me harder. I leaned my head back and gave him better access to my neck and he started licking, biting, and sucking on it. My body was on fire and I didn't want him to stop so I adjusted myself in his lap so my legs were wrapped around him and my dress was hiked up to my thighs. He grabbed me and pulled me tightly to his body and wrapped his arms around me and thrust his hips up hard into me. I could feel how hard he was through his jeans which were rubbing against my panty covered pussy with every thrust.

"We need to stop because if we keep this up I won't be able to stop!" Jasper said breathlessly.

All I could respond was "mmm uh!"

So he pulled away from me and I stood up fixing my dress and he pulled me back onto his lap.

"I never said you could get up! Just that we needed to slow down because I want more and I know you're not ready. Please don't get up I still want to hold you in my arms!" He had such a sad look in his eyes and I wanted to be in his arms anyway because it gave me the courage to tell him these hard memories. So I settled back onto his lap and he smiled and put his arms around me and started rocking us back and forth. He brought his lips to my ear and nibbled it. Then he whispered "please finish I want to hear the rest I'll behave myself now scouts honor." He gave me a smile and I returned it.

"The end of my junior year was approaching and we were all going to lots of parties as you know. Obviously I was too drunk to notice what was going on with you guys but I did know something was up. You were no longer helping in the kitchen it seemed that you were gone all the time and I just figured you were enjoying your senior year. Edward always wanted to hang out with you so I figured he was sad you were going to leave for college and wanted to spend as much time as he could with you. So I tried to give him his space but he always showed up at my window every night. He even showed up on nights that I refused to party with you guys. I was hanging out with Jessica a lot back then because I wanted to give you, Edward, and Alice space. Rosalie wasn't an option because I thought she didn't really like me. So one day Renee called me and said how sorry she was for everything and that she realized her mistakes and was in rehab. She told me she was sorry for what Phil did and she got rid of him and was divorced and she would be out of rehab at the end of May. It was April and school was going to end in the beginning of June so I told her I would visit her in the summer. My dad wouldn't say no because he didn't know anything about the drugs or men or about Phil. I figured that with me in Arizona Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and you would have more time before you guys went to college. So I decided to go and see if she really changed I made sure I had enough money saved so I could leave whenever I wanted too. I tried to tell Edward where I was going and that I would be gone for some or all of the summer. But he was so distant he wasn't showing up at my window at night anymore and when I was over at your house Esme and I were cooking alone. Carlisle, Esme and I were eating alone most of the time sometimes Emmett and Rosalie would join but Edward, Alice, and you were never home. I told Esme my plans for the summer and she told me that if I was ready to visit Renee that I should because my senior year would be too crazy to do it then. She had no idea what happened to me as a child and only knew that Renee sent me to live with my dad because I was acting out. She asked me about Renee and what happened but I told her I didn't know why she sent me away that I was a good kid but maybe she just wanted to spend alone time with her new husband. Esme frowned and took me out for a weekend of alone time. The two of us spent that weekend at a spa it was so fun. That was the first time I had ever done that with anyone I was so happy I never wanted to leave. I wanted her to be my mom so fucking bad. The fucked up thing was that none of you even knew we were gone the whole weekend not even Rose. When we came back that Sunday with bags in our hands Edward was on his phone in the living room calling me frantically. My phone was going off in my pocket and Esme and I looked at each other and I shrugged just as Edward looked up and saw us. He came running over to me and pulled me into his room. He held me tight and asked where I was. I told him to listen to his voicemails and check his texts. He did and then he turned to me and said he just found his phone and was going crazy. I looked at him like he was crazy and he said "what?" I said I was gone with your mom all weekend you could've called me from another phone. He looked shocked and shook his head. I had no idea what he was thinking but I guessed he didn't know I was gone all weekend. I was so hurt by this I thought maybe he was seeing another girl or something. So I decided that I wouldn't tell any of you except your parents where I was going for the summer. I didn't even tell them that you guys didn't know I figured when Edward got worried he would call me. I left two days after the graduation party for you, Rose, and Emmett. Renee didn't even show up to the airport I was hurt but not shocked it wasn't the first time she forgot to pick me up. I took a cab to her house and when I got there she started crying saying she was so sorry she mixed the times up. I hugged her and said it was okay. The first two weeks were great we spent every minute together she was on vacation from work so we took a side trip to Texas. I wanted to go to Corpus Christi to see the ocean and enjoy a hot beach. It was the best time I ever had with her in fact I was even starting to call her mom. Then we went back to her house and she went back to work. The first few days were fine I was bored during the day but it was okay. I enjoyed the heat and thought about all of you guys wishing that Edward and Alice were with me to enjoy the sun and I wished you were there to cook with me. I even wished that Rose was here to go hiking in the desert with me because we both enjoyed hiking and the sun. I missed Emmett and his laugh. I called Edward a couple of times and even texted him but no answer. I tried Alice and Emmett but still no reply. So I decided to call you. Do you remember?" I asked Jas with slight hestation in my voice because I really hoped he remembered that.

"Are you talking about the night that you were crying that Edward didn't love you anymore?" Jasper said and I could see that he remembered the call.

"Yes I was so fucking upset I couldn't even talk. I thought you were drunk or something because you sounded so distant just like Edward. So I lied to you and told you I was in Port Angeles and I would call you the next day."

"Bella I was so fucking coked out I couldn't think straight after you hung up I called Edward. He was so fucked up he had no idea where you were he said he had seen you that morning and you were fine. I had no idea you were gone for more than two weeks. I don't think he even had any idea of what day it was. I drove to your house and climbed your window when I didn't see you in there I drank a whole bottle of Jack to come down off the coke and clear my head. I sat in the woods by your house for hours waiting for you, in fact your dad wasn't there either, and so after I sobered up a little I drove to Port Angeles. I drove around that shitty town all night looking for you. I was calling and texting you but you never answered. I was so fucking upset I just wanted to be there for you and I couldn't find you. That was the night I realized it was time to quit. I knew I couldn't keep this shit up because Edward was losing you and I knew I was about to have my chance. I know how fucked up that sounds but that is what drugs do to you they fuck your head up." His eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

"Yeah after I spoke with you I broke my phone I never received any of your messages. I was so fucking upset when you told me that Edward had seen me that morning because yes you said that out loud. I couldn't believe that the people I called family had no fucking idea I had been gone for over two weeks. I wanted to crawl into myself and die. But then I thought about how good things were going with Renee that I thought maybe I could just move back with her since you guys didn't give a shit about me anymore. I was so upset I thought Edward had moved on. I could handle that as long as I had Alice and Esme so I figured I would go back to Forks in July and tell you guys I was moving with Renee for my senior year." Tears were welling up in my eyes as I remembered how distraught I felt that night.

Jasper squeezed me close to him and the tears started to fall.

"I am so fucking sorry Bella! After that night I went home and went to bed when I woke up I needed a pick me up. So I found Alice and Edward at Aro's house and we all partied for like three days straight. I forgot all about the conversation until you came back the next week," Jasper said with two tears falling down his nose because he was leaning into my neck again. So I continued.

"After that phone call I was so upset I found a bottle of vodka in Renee's cabinet and got so drunk I passed out. I didn't even realize that Renee never came home that night. The next morning I was hung over and went into the kitchen for some coffee and aspirin. When I came into the kitchen I noticed the food I cooked was still out so I went to Renee's room and found it empty. I went back into my room for my phone and remembered I broke it. There was no house phone so I had to wait for her to come home. I just figured that maybe she was tired after work and didn't put the food away and maybe she just didn't want to bother me so she didn't wake me up before she left for work that day. So I cleaned the house and cooked a nice dinner so I could ask her if she wanted me to move back with her. But that night she came home at 1am drunk off her ass with Phil carrying her up to her room. I was so fucking shocked I couldn't move from the couch. He came into the living room and sat on the chair across from me and stared at the TV. He didn't even look my way so I finally got up and went to my room. I wasn't scared because he never looked my way so I locked my bedroom door and tried to sleep. Around 3am I heard someone try the door handle but he walked away after he realized it was locked. I was relieved and decided to leave for the airport that morning and wait for the next flight home. I was so fucking upset that she had lied to me I wanted to beat the shit out of her. I had no phone to call anyone so I laid in bed and cried my eyes out. Like an hour later I heard someone at my window. My room was on the first floor I was so fucking scared I had no idea what to do because I was terrified to open my door. All of sudden my window opened and in crawled Phil. I was frozen in place I didn't know what to think or do so I started crying for Edward. I was yelling at myself for breaking my damn phone because I could've already been gone. He came towards me and sat on the bed next to me. He asked who the fuck was Edward I told him he was my boyfriend and it was none of his fucking business. He said what kind of boyfriend lets their girlfriend come to visit their whore of a mother alone. He said how Renee came the bar and was bragging how beautiful and smart her daughter turned out to be. So he decided to slip her some shit and come see for himself. He said she has been getting fucked up for a while anyway but she said she wasn't doing shit while her daughter was home. Then he put his hand on my leg and said "is my fruit ripe yet or did you let that boyfriend of yours taste the sweet nectar." I started to cry and beg for him to just leave me alone. He said that if my sweet nectar was gone that that was okay because then he could fuck me nice and hard since I was experienced. He said how beautiful I turned out and I was sexier than he ever imagined and it was okay that I was ruined because of how sexy I was. He said it was better because he would enjoy it more since I would know what I was doing. He started to move his hand further up my thigh and I punched him in the eye and tried to run for the door. He caught me and threw me on the bed and held my hands above my head and he said "I love when you fight it turns me on." He rubbed his hard dick against my thighs and said "see how much I love you. I have been waiting for a very long time for you to come back to me."

The tears started falling down my cheeks again as the memories of that horrible night flashed before my eyes. Jasper wiped them away and rocked me back and forth. Whispering in my ear that he was here and he would always be here for me. So I sucked in a much needed breath and spoke again.

"I tried to get free from him and he started to kiss all over my face. When he put his tongue in my mouth I bit it and he smacked me across my face that gave me the opportunity to kick him as hard as I could in his balls. He fell to the floor holding himself and I ran up to my mom's room and grabbed her phone. I called 911 and locked her door. He was up the stairs and trying to break down the door I didn't tell him I called the police because I didn't want him to run. The police showed up and found cocaine, heroin, and meth on him. They also found cocaine on Renee and took them both to jail. They asked me what happened and I told the officer everything but I told him that I didn't want to press charges because I just wanted to go home to my dad and I didn't want to ever have to come back here. The officer told me that I should press charges but I refused I told him that the drug charges were enough to keep him away from me. The officer said I should testify so he couldn't do that to another girl but I just couldn't do it. I just wanted that shit behind me. The officer finally let it go and called my dad. He told my dad that he had to come pick me up from Arizona because I was a minor and they needed him to sign some paper work. My dad flew out the next day and met me at the police station. The officer told me to tell him what happened with Phil or he would. So decided to tell him everything myself I told him about Phil drugging Renee and about Phil attacking me and I also told him about Renee being on drugs and drinking. My dad was pissed and happy that Renee was locked up. He wanted to kill Phil and he was upset that I didn't want to press charges but when I told him I never wanted to have to relive that again in front of a judge and jury that that was too hard he relented. We went to Renee's house and got all my things. He bought me a new phone and told me to get a hold of Esme because she was worried sick. He told her something happened at Renee's but he didn't know all the details. I begged him not to tell any of you about the attack just about the drugs he said he understood that it was too hard and he promised never to speak about unless I wanted to. I called your mom and told her Renee was hooked on drugs and that she went to jail because the cops found drugs on her. She was so upset about what happened to me she said she would meet my dad and I at the airport and she would take me to talk if Charlie was okay with that. Charlie was so happy he thought I would open up to her and tell her everything so he agreed. She met us at the airport and Charlie left for Forks. Esme and I stayed in Seattle at a beautiful hotel and spent the day in a spa. She asked what happened and I told her half of the story leaving out the part where Phil attacked me. But I did tell her that he tried to climb in my window so I called the cops. I knew she knew I was leaving shit out but she never pressed so I never told her. I think she figured I would tell her when I was ready to talk. That day she told me that she was my mom and I could always call her mom that she has always thought of me as one of her daughters."

At this point the tears that were welling up in my eyes were happy tears for Esme my mom. I turned to look at Jasper's face to see how he was handling these fucked up memories. I could see the rage in his eyes and his was clenching his fists next to his legs. I grabbed one of his hands and brought it to my lips and kissed each of his knuckles and then grabbed the other hand and did the same. He started to relax and started to pull his jacket off my arms. I let him take it off and he pulled me close to his chest and then placed the jacket over my legs.

"I just needed you to be closer to me. I want to feel you against my chest and not that leather jacket. It calms me to have your body heat pressed against my chest and to have your scent fill the air between us it brings me comfort. If not I might jump on the next plane and break my promise to you and I don't want to do that. I am so, so sorry that we failed you Bella. I promise you I will never fail you again. I never want you to leave my arms ever. Please Bella please just promise that you will always be my friend at the very least even if you don't want me as your man. Just always allow me to at least hold you in my arms. I can live with that if that's all you want from me but please never take yourself or your embrace away from me!" Jasper said through the tears that started to fall from his eyes.

"NEVER! I promise Jasper! I never want you to stop holding me either I have never felt so comforted in any one's arms. You are giving me the courage to finally get all of this shit off my chest. I haven't ever felt safe enough with anyone to tell them the things I am saying to you. Not even Rose or Esme I mean mom. I am telling you this because I want us to have the best chance possible at the life we both deserve. I want you to know me the real Bella and this is the best way I know how by telling you everything. If we can work though our pasts together our futures will be easier to hold on to together. I really want you and me to be together. Every time I look into your eyes or feel your touch it's like my entire body is on fire and you're holding the torch. I just need to get my past put behind me and once I face Edward and get rid of James we can be finally be together. But I need to do this shit first before we move forward. I know it's not going to be easy but I really need Edward to understand we are over for good that I can only be his friend. I also need to know that I won't come between you and him because that will kill me. I do not think I could handle that and I am sorry but if you guys fight over me I will probable leave. At the very least I would move out and visit and just be yours and Edward's friend because I will not lose mom, dad, Rose, or Emmett over you two fighting because of me. Please promise me." I looked deep into his eyes so he would understand just how serious I am.

"Bella I promise I will not fight Edward. I do not want to lose you and I will do anything to make sure of that! I also promise to wait until you are ready and finish whatever you need to finish in order to move on. But I cannot promise that Edward won't fight for you because we both know he will. I do promise I won't hit him but I will fight for you but not physically! I will not touch my brother but I will not let you leave without fighting for you. I do promise that I won't let it become an issue with the family they understand how I feel. They all know how I feel about you and they will accept whomever you choose." He looked at me as deeply as I was looking at him and I could live with that as long as he didn't physically fight Edward.

"Okay Jazz I can live with that because I know that no matter what Edward will be upset. I just hope that he can move on quickly but I am not stupid enough to believe he won't put up a fight. A few weeks ago I would have thought different but now that I know what happened I understand he was suffering just like I was. I am so sorry that I can't give him what he wants but the truth is I have always felt this fire burning inside me for you. I am finally brave enough to embrace it!" I turned towards him and put my arms around his back and held him to me inhaling his scent and he pulled me even closer and kissed the top of my head. I shifted my legs over his the top of his right leg and settled my ass in between his legs so I could lay the side of my head on his chest while I finished my story.

"After your mom and I finished our day at the spa we went back to the hotel. We were sitting crossed legged on one of the beds and I asked her where everyone was. She told me that Rose and Emmett went to California with dad that he had some medical conference and they wanted to visit Disneyland. She said that Alice, Edward, and you were supposed to be at a concert in Tacoma for the weekend so she and I could stay there if we wanted or I could call Edward or Alice to let them know what was going on. She told me that none of you guys had answered her calls earlier but I could try or at least leave a message so when someone turned their phone on they could pass the message to the others. I told her I would really just like to stay with her that I wasn't ready to tell everyone yet that Renee was a drug addict and what happened to me. She told me she understood and she was here to talk and help me through this. So we spent the weekend there. On Sunday we came home but I had her drop me at my house so I could spend some time with Charlie and she said okay. I knew she was upset because none of you ever answered or called back that whole weekend. I knew she was pissed and you guys were in deep shit so I went home so she could deal with you guys without me there. I waited for Edward to call or show up but two more days went by and no Edward. Finally on the third day Alice called me and asked what the fuck happened and how I ended up in Arizona. I told her about talking to Renee over the previous months and how I had planned to visit her. I told her that the rest was a face to face conversation and we made plans to have dinner in La Push at a little spot we used to visit every once in a while. She agreed to meet me there the next day at 5pm. Later that night Edward showed up at my house he was so fucked up his couldn't climb in my window. Instead he pounded on my front door because Charlie wasn't home he was working night shifts at the time. I went down and opened the door he was so fucked up he couldn't even stand. I yelled at him for driving like that and told him to go lie on the couch and get some sleep. He fell to the floor on his knees and was crying. I didn't know what was wrong with him so I pulled him up and walked him to the couch. He laid his head in my lap and cried. I knew he was on something but I never got a clear answer out of him. He fell asleep a few hours later and I left him on the couch. I knew Charlie would be home at 10am so I figured I could get Edward up before then and we could leave in the morning to go talk at our meadow. I wanted to tell him everything that I was feeling and everything that happened I even thought maybe I could tell him about Phil. The next morning I woke up but he was gone. I found a note that said he was sorry and to call him when I woke up so we could talk. I was so scared because that was not like him to leave without waking me up to say goodbye. I called him right away and he answered he said to meet him at our meadow in an hour. I went to the meadow and waited he showed up 3 hours later. He came to me and picked me up and was hugging me and kissing me crying that he thought I wouldn't show up or that I had left because he was late. We sat down and I told him where I was and why. I told him everything except about Phil. He kept saying sorry and things were going to change that he swore there wasn't another girl. I could see that he was telling the truth but I also knew he was hiding something. He begged me to forgive him and he promised that things would get better and back to the way they were. He made me promise never to leave like that again without telling him. I cried and told him how could he ask me that when he didn't even notice I was gone. I asked him how the fuck he found out and he said Alice told him to listen to his voicemails. He said as soon as he heard them he drove to my house and he knew he should have never been behind the wheel in that state. I asked him where the hell he took off to that morning and he said he had to help Alice with something important. I asked what and he said that was for Alice to tell me that is wasn't his place. I let it go because I was going to meet up with her in a few hours. I told him my plans with Alice for later that day and he begged me to cancel that he needed me to stay with him. So I told Alice to change the plans for the next day and she agreed saying she wasn't going to make it anyway that she had plans with you anyway. Edward and I stayed in the meadow until dark and then we went out to eat at the place in La Push that Alice and I were supposed to go to. That night after my dad left for work he stayed with me. For the next few weeks everything seemed okay he was acting like the old Edward. We spent almost every minute together except for the few hours before my dad left for work. He said Esme and Carlisle knew he was staying with me and I called her to make sure it was okay and she said yes. I was a little shocked but I she told me she knew I didn't want to be alone and to be safe. The rest of the summer was good we all partied together again and everything was back to normal. Rose and Emmett were getting ready to go away to college and I thought you were too even though I barely saw you except at the parties. Alice, Edward, and I even went school shopping together in Seattle a few weeks before school started. Then the week after school started Edward came to me and told me he didn't feel the same about me and he wanted to move on with his life without me."

The tears started to fall yet again as I remembered how crushed and hurt I felt as he spoke the words that would change my life. I put my face into Jasper's chest and inhaled his scent and I started to feel relaxed again. He was rubbing my back to comfort me and leaned his head against mine. I reached deep inside myself and found the courage to continue.

"After you guys left my life felt empty I was lonely and heartbroken I didn't want to do anything. The first week I couldn't even get out of bed to go to school. Then my dad threatened to put me in a hospital to get help because he had no idea how to help me. That woke my ass right up I started going back to school and pretended everything was okay. I went to school got good grades and would come home and cook and clean. I didn't go out or talk to anyone besides Charlie and that was only if he asked me a direct question. After a few months of this he suggested therapy so I decided to start hanging out with Jessica to get Charlie off my back. Then I went to a party and hooked up with Mike. I dated him breifly until I found out he was fucking Jessica, so I dumped his ass and he started a bunch of shit at school. For a few weeks everyone at school was gossiping about me so I started hanging out with Jake. He helped me out a lot I even thought of him as my sun in the dark night that I was living in. But he fucked that up when he said he was only taking pity on me and said all that other bullshit I already told you about. I still haven't spoken to him and that was almost four years ago. Every time I change my number Charlie always gives it to him so I gave up and stopped changing it. I never told Charlie what happened between Jake and I he still doesn't know why I am so pissed at him. I won't tell him because of Billy besides that shit was so long ago I don't even care anymore I just refuse to speak to him. I know that I should just hear him out and forgive him and I think now that I have you I can finally accept his apology. Anyway after the shit with Jake I decided to accept the scholarship to Northwestern. I met Angela and James shortly after I came to Chicago. At first he was a really great guy he treated me like a princess. Everything was going so great I was finally happy and it stayed that way for the first year. Then he started drinking and calling me names and putting me down. We were already living together and I dealt with it because I couldn't get into a dorm. Then the physical and sexual abuse started and I felt stuck I had nowhere to go so I endured it and didn't tell anyone. I always knew that Angela suspected it but James was pretty good at not leaving marks on my face. At the time I felt like I deserved it like I was the one causing him to hit me and abuse me but then when I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to get out. I wanted a better life for my child so I finally confided in Angela and we planned my escape that was when you showed up Jazz. You were like a fucking light at the end of a really dark tunnel."

I smiled as I remembered how I felt when I saw him and then I frowned remembering how bad I treated him. I kissed his cheeks and held him close he held me again and kissed my lips lightly.

"I am so sorry for how I treated you that first day I saw you Jazz." A tear escaped my eye and he kissed it away.

"Don't worry about darlin' I am just so happy to have you in my arms again that I could care less if you slapped me in the face that day as long as I had the chance to explain things. Now that I can finally have you in my arms I would have endure that beating you took a million times over just to have you here in my arms. I wish you would have never endured such things. I wish with all my heart I could've made it to you before he put on finger on you but I am happy I was able to save you when I did. I love having my Bella back I never want to be without you again!" Jasper said in a very serious tone that melted my heart.

"Never." Was my reply.

"Jasper being here is your arms I am happier than I have ever been. The way I feel every time you touch me or even look at me is like my body is on fire with passion and it's boiling in my veins and heart and I am finally not scared of it! I am ready to embrace it and let it consume me! Then warmth of your hands and body makes me feel like I'm finally at home and safe. I never want that to end!" I said as I held him as tight as I could. I kissed him on his lips with the passion I was feeling and he returned the passion right back and held on to me as if his life depended on it.

"Bella darlin' every time I look into those chocolate eyes or feel the sparks that run through my body as you touch me I know that I could never let you go! I want to hold on to you and never let you go! I want to build us the happiest life any people have ever had. I want to show you how beautiful a person you are and how much love you deserve. I want to give you everything you could possible want or need starting with my heart! My heart has always belonged to you and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for you to be ready to take what was always yours! My Bella, you were always and will always me MY BELLA!" He gave me the most sensual kiss I had ever experienced after he utter these words that made my heart ache to become the Bella he deserved so much.

"Okay Jazzy let's go have some fun in that casino and enjoy the rest of this beautiful night! I want to gamble, drink, and smoke then sleep until noon and move my shit of out James' place and but that shit behind me forever! Then I want to call Edward and tell him about us and hopefully explain to him that he and I can only be friends.

"The gambling, drinking, and smoking part sounds like fun darlin'! And the rest I will be there for you holding your hand or doing whatever you need me to do to make sure you are okay!" Jazz said with a grin. He took me off his lap and got up and pulled me to him for a chaste kiss on the lips and took my hand. We climbed back up the rocks and walked down the pier and into the parking garage and made our way into the casino hand and hand. We had huge grins on our faces and were ready to enjoy our first night out together.

A/N: well that was Bella's story hope you liked it. Until next time thanks to all that take the time to read my story. Two songs that make me think of this story "We Found Love" Rihanna and "Patience" Guns and Roses