A/N: For those of you who are familiar with your alternate history, this work has two probability types. At a cursory glance, "The Inception of Trollololol" is Alien Space Bats, what with the unlikeliness of a Twoleg becoming a cat and then introducing guns. However, following the point of divergence from true history this becomes hard alternate history. I did my research and pored over brick-thick Warriors books to catch references that might have escaped other people. Unfortunately for my alternate-historian-self, since ThunderClan is the "main Clan" there really isn't much information about other Clans, so I had to make do with what I had.
(I took the probability levels from TvTropes.)
Rainford: (grand bow) Your wish is my command.
"So, remind me why a kit is leading our patrol?" asked Russetfur.
"Because I know what guns look like and how to check if they're loaded and you don't." I replied.
"Loaded? What does it mean to loaded a gun?" Rowanclaw was clearly puzzled.
"You see what I mean?" I sighed.
We were padding down the side of the Thunderpath that led up to the docks and halfbridge. I was clenching the pistol in my teeth, in case we ran into any trouble. Russetfur, Rowanclaw, and Smokefoot were on my patrol, as well as- because she insisted- Fernheart, who still felt this was too dangerous.
"Honestly, Snakekit, you're only a kit." Fernheart fretted. "Couldn't you just teach other cats how to check to see if guns are loaded?"
"That's the ninth time you've said that since we left the camp, and I've already told you the answer." I sighed. "At least you used the grammatically correct tense for 'loaded,' though."
"What is grammatically correct tense?" Russetfur asked.
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm a grammar Nazi, which makes it even harder to be a troll."
"What?" Russetfur was even more confused now. "Are these 'grammar Nazis' an elite corps of cats you intend to form to teach them to fire guns correctly, and is 'troll' going to be the term for the leader of this group, which you clearly intend to be?"
I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. My knees grew weak and I sunk to the side of the Thunderpath, drawing in great gasps of air between laughs.
"What's so funny?" questioned Rowanclaw, and the serious tone of his voice just made me lose it again.
God, I thought as I laughed, I never knew it would be this funny to troll the actual warrior cats. I mean, here I am, trolling Russetfur and Rowanclaw. How many people can say that?
Once I managed to regain my composure, we continued onward. It wasn't long before a Twoleg nest loomed ahead.
"Are you sure we have to go into that to get these guns?" Fernheart asked. "It's dangerous in there, especially for a kit-"
"Stop being overprotective. I brought my gun, and if any Twolegs come near us I'll shoot them."
"I still don't think you should be allowed to be doing this. You're only four moons old."
"Quiet, your meowing will alert the Twolegs." I nimbly jumped up to the window sill and tried to heft it open, but I couldn't. Curse my puny little kit body! "Rowanclaw, a little help?"
Rowanclaw leaped up to the window and managed to shove it open. "What are we waiting for?" he growled. "Let's get these guns and get out of here."
I led the way into the room. There weren't any Twolegs around, but I knew they couldn't be far. "I don't even know if these Twolegs will have guns, I was just goddamn lucky last time," I meowed, "but they'll probably have them on the second level."
"What?" Fernheart was horrified. "It's too dangerous up there for a kit!"
"Your son, so far, has handled himself quite admirably." Smokefoot noted. "Perhaps you should stop worrying and leave him to do this without interference."
I cast Smokefoot a grateful glance as I stepped onto the first stair. I hope they do have guns here. Despite Smokefoot's assurance, Fernheart continued to fret all the way upstairs.
In my defense, I tried to be quiet, I really did. But when you have an overprotective mother fretting behind you, worrying about every step you take and every half-imagined noise, it takes a lot of self-control to not whirl around and yowl, "WOULD YOU JUST PLEASE SHUT UP?"
My yowl echoed around the walls as I realized my mistake. Footsteps were heard downstairs, along with the barking tones of a Twoleg and a dog.
"Shit." I swore loudly. "Let's get the guns and get out of here!"
The door to the bedroom was open, and luckily for us, there was a gun locker in the corner. Unluckily, it was locked.
"Shit." I repeated, then managed to gain self-control. I dropped the gun from my teeth onto the floor. "Somebody take this. To shoot it, just pull the trigger with your teeth. Shoot anything that comes through the door, and aim for the chest and head."
Rowanclaw snatched up the gun and positioned it in his paws. I turned around. "Can somebody boost me up to that shiny circular thing up at the middle of the door? The guns will be in there."
Dutifully Smokefoot positioned himself up against the door, and I managed to climb on top of his shoulders and glare at the lock. It was a combination lock.
"Okay." I put my ear flat to the door and gently began to turn the lock.
"Snakekit, what are you doing?" Fernheart screeched.
"Shut up!" I heard the click within and turned the lock again gently.
Click.
"One more." I turned the lock again.
Click.
"Snakekit, are you done?" Smokefoot asked between gritted teeth. "My shoulders are starting to hurt."
"Got it." I pulled backwards, and the door tumbled open with a crash just as the Twoleg burst into the room with a dog by his side.
He had a shotgun.
"Shit."
Rowanclaw pulled the trigger, and a bang echoed around the room.
The Twoleg put his fingers to the wound on his chest. He seemed almost confused before toppling backwards.
"Got 'im!" Rowanclaw cheered, sounding for all the world just like some YouTuber playing Team Fortress 2.
"Get the dog! We'll take care of the guns!" I turned my attention to the locker.
Three pistols and a rifle, plus quite a bit of ammo. Not a bad haul.
The gun banged again as I saw the bag of gunpowder in the back.
"Oh, yes!" I jumped forward. "Spare gunpowder, and quite a lot of it too."
"Let's get this stuff before more Twolegs come!" Russetfur yowled.
"There's something I want to check first." I padded over to the Twoleg and patted his pockets until a cigarette lighter fell out. I flicked it open, and the flame glittered dimly in the afternoon sun.
Closing the lighter, I turned to the other cats, who were already beginning to grab the guns. "Make sure to get the bullets... and that bag of powder, too. It'll be necessary to make these work."
Grabbing the pistol and lighter and hoisting the front end of the rifle on my back, I turned to the others. "Let's get going before the other Twolegs around here realize what happened."
"So, you have retrieved four more of these guns." Blackstar stated.
"Yes, we have." I replied. "We've also got copious quantities of gunpowder, which asides from being part of these guns is also a very good explosive."
"Very well." Blackstar didn't bat an eye, even though I doubt he knew what I was saying. "Will we be able to use them in battle?"
"Of course." I replied.
"Well then. Snakekit." The leader of ShadowClan's eyes blazed with fierce determination. "We'll invade RiverClan tomorrow at dawn."
"Very well." I dipped my head. "May I suggest we utilize some of the surplus gunpowder to our advantage?"
"How so?"
"We can cause explosions at various parts of the battlefield when we wish." I began tracing with my claw on the dusty floor of Blackstar's den. "I was actually planning for invading ThunderClan, not RiverClan, but I can easily adapt my plan. Let me show you what I mean..."
"You're going to be going into battle?" Fernheart was horrified, and turned to face Blackstar. "You can't just send my son into battle! He's not even an apprentice!"
"I wanna battle too!" whined Redkit.
"Redkit, get back to your den!" Anger ignited within Fernheart. "You can't just-"
"I have made my decision, Fernheart." I replied coldly. "I will be necessary for this battle seeing as I planned it all out."
"Blackstar, you-"
"You are dismissed, Fernheart." Blackstar turned to me. "When you are ready, Snakekit, we will give the Clan the battle plan."
