(AN: Hi friends, sorry I've been away and slack with updates. I'm trying to finish off my last assignments for the semester. Soon bunnies, soon I will be done and it shall be glorious I will write all day, and be happy! I may be in and out over the next few weeks though. I'm going to try and get a buffer of chapters set up, and I'm in the process of finding a good beta. Thanks for all the comments and reviews I've received, I appreciate each and every thing all of you say. As always keep them coming, suggestions, criticisms, anything. Much Much love to you all.)
Chapter 7 – What I've Left Behind Me
Harper
I rose towards waking with a song in my head, and couldn't help wondering if I'd been humming in my sleep. Warm and shapeless dreams began to slowly unwind from around my head, and I let awareness of my body wash over me. My sense of direction kicked in hard, along with the awareness of my arm hanging over the edge of the bed, and the sensation warm hands holding mine. My eyes sprung open, as my consciousness slammed into place, and I realised I wasn't in my van, I wasn't in my bed. I lay there waiting for last night to catch up with me and adjust my memories, until everything made sense.
I was still wearing my mother's jumper; the thick wool was bunched up under my rib cage. My eyes followed the length of my arm to edge of the bed, wear it was draped over someone's shoulder. In a flash it all came back, not being able to sleep, the panic, and Leah. Her just being there. I could feel a flush prickling over my skin. The horrible revelation of someone seeing me at my most vulnerable, with my crazy on full display, flooded me. I relived the feeling of her arms wrapping around me, warm and safe, and found I couldn't regret it.
This was the first morning in a long time that I hadn't woken up with a sense of dread. For a moment I just lay there and let myself bask in rare contentment. I tried to hold onto that sense of quiet for as long as possible, but all good things must come to an end. As my mind began to function again, the day loomed before me. I was used to being on my own, not needing to consult or deal with anyone else. Now I was staying in someone else's house, while another person fixed my van, and a beautiful, ridiculously-attractive girl had spent the night with me, guarding me from my own awful thoughts. In the space of two days, I'd racked up so many favours and obligations that I couldn't even begin to imagine how I was going to repay them.
Leah shifted in her sleep. Her grip on my arm tightened, and I was shocked at the strength with which she pulled me closer to the edge of the bed. At first, I thought she'd woken up. Instead she made a strange sort-of puppyish whine, and I had to struggle to keep from laughing. I was surprised at myself. Usually the intimacy of this situation would have frightened and frustrated me; but this strange girl, who I'd barely had a single conversation with, had seen me at my most vulnerable. She'd pulled me out of my own worst nightmare, and she'd stuck around to face the aftermath. Of all of the debts I'd incurred since coming to La Push, this was the greatest, and the one I'd have the most trouble ever repaying. Nonetheless, having her in my presence washed away my fears and stupid anxieties.
At the same time, I couldn't help feeling a little guilty about that. What right did I have to... Urgh! I was sick of this constant second guessing myself. I finally had to admit to myself how damn tired I was, tired of running, and hiding, and eating myself alive from the inside out. For the first time since they died I allowed myself to think about what my parents would say to me now. My dad would give me a frustrated look, and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Then he'd hug me, and struggle to find a way to tell me it was alright. He wasn't very good with words, but he'd find a way. Mum, would know exactly what to say. She'd make tea, or open a bottle of wine, and we'd talk about frameworks and emotions, and make a plan about how to move on from here. I couldn't keep feeling guilty; I couldn't keep tearing myself up. I had to at least start trying to figure myself out. It was as if some intangible protective layer had settled over the emptiness inside of me. I was going to figure this out, I had too.
I looked down at Leah, and felt warmth wash over me again. Maybe I should start with her. I had a lot of explaining to do anyway, and maybe it was time to start talking openly and honestly about things. Strange as it was I felt like I'd be able to trust her. Her head moved against the side of the bed, and again that strange puppy noise rose from her lips. This time I couldn't help laughing, I tried to cover it with my free hand, but Leah frowned in her sleep and rolled away from the noise. Unfortunately she was still had a tight grip on my hand, and that shocking strength of her's ripped me straight out of bed.
I landed in a tangle of limbs and blankets. The air rushed out of my lungs, and I heard a gasp of shock from somewhere underneath me. Before I had a chance to orient myself, I was half lifted, and half shrugged off. I sat up, and tried to struggle my way out from the mess of blankets, caught between laughter and frustration, and unable to see beyond a sheet that had somehow wrapped itself around my face. Suddenly, the blankets were pulled away, and there was Leah, looking stunning... and confused with her arms full of linen.
"Are you ok?" An expression of concern flashed across her face, and I couldn't help it anymore. The situation was just too ridiculous. I burst out laughing. She grinned somewhat sheepishly, "I'll take that as a yes, shall I?"
I could see that she was sincerely waiting for an answer, so I nodded, "No harm done." I bit my lip, "Sorry for waking you I guess."
She threw the blankets carelessly back onto the bed, and stretched, "Had to wake up sometime." She paused and looked away, "I, um, about last night. I probably shouldn't have stayed, but... I just, uh, felt asleep I guess..." She ran out of words, and stared awkwardly at the ground.
A strange urgency ran through me, like a chill. I had to start now. I couldn't let this become an unspoken wedge of awkwardness between us. I reached out and grabbed her hand.
"I had a panic attack." I said, trying to catch her eyes, "A pretty bad one, and usually they pass, but..." I paused trying to figure out how to express this without sounding insane. "I'm a bit... messed up I guess, but I'm trying to figure it out, but sometimes I just... You totally saved me last night." I could feel a blush creeping over my face, and it was my turn to look away. "It was... nice, not to be alone. I'm not going to dump my problems on you or anything, but I just want you... I really appreciated you being there." I finished lamely.
I felt like punching myself. I felt like a naff little teenager. I was burning up with embarrassment.
She squeezed my hand, and sat down on the floor across from me. "I'm glad." I could hear a smile in her voice, and began to feel calm again, "I'm glad... that you're okay. As for your problems, well you're welcome to keep them, but, if it's not too forward, I'd be happy to talk. You know sometime, whenever."
I looked up at her, one hand over my mouth, wiping away a smile that was probably a little too wide to be appropriate. "I'm sorry. I'm a total dork, with no social skills, but thank you."
She grinned and, maintaining her grip on my hand, stood, pulling me up with her. "You're welcome. Right now, I think the best course of action for both of us, is to a take a few moments for 'personal time,' and then reconvene over breakfast. What do you say?"
"Sounds like a plan." I said grinning. Her answering smile, gave me a momentary thrill of butterflies, but I kept my expression steady.
"Great, you can have the first shower if you like. Do you know where the bathroom is?" I nodded, "Good. Mom and Seth are out, so don't worry about holding anyone up. Take as long as you like." For a second I wonder how she could know that, having just woken up, but I brushed it off.
Leah went briskly through the usual hostessly duties, offering me towels and toiletries; until she was satisfied I wouldn't need anything. I closed the bathroom door behind me, and leant against it. My heart was racing, and my skin felt sharp and hot. It was strange how similar this to an attack; only instead of feeling as if everything was rushing down towards me, everything seemed to be pushing me forward, lifting me up. I could still feel all of the blocks and build ups in my mind, the memories that were still too raw and painful, but I was beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to live with that.
...
Leah
I was floundering from my bedroom to the kitchen, and then back again, completely at a loss for what to do. Should I make some sort of effort towards breakfast? Or should I figure out what I was going to wear? No that was surely too stupid to be sensible. I thoughts kept flying back to the night before, the weight of her in my arms, the hopelessness in her eyes. I shook my head trying to clear those thoughts, Harper seemed so different this morning, in the daylight. She seemed positive, if a little flustered.
I groaned, as my mind slid back to the abrupt awakening this morning. Yep, great work Leah, drag the girl you're crazy in love with to the bedroom floor. I wish, I caught myself thinking, and then felt thoroughly ashamed of myself. I had to admit though; she'd looked adorable, and beautiful, this morning, with bed hair and sleepy eyes.
Breakfast! I forced myself to think about more practical things, and made a pot of coffee. Not knowing what Harper would want to eat, I ransacked the pantry and fridge, setting out bread, spreads, cereal, milk, muffins (leftover from the last batch Emily had made,) and figured I'd offer her a smorgasbord. I heard the shower start, and figuring I had ten minutes or so, I put bread in the toaster, poured two cups of coffee, and considered frying some eggs. I felt like a bed and breakfast owner on crack, and decided I should a take a moment to gather myself. It wasn't until then that I realised there was a note on the kitchen table.
Dear Leah,
I'm heading over to Forks today to have lunch with Charlie. Jacob came round this morning, and took Seth with him to try and find a part for Harper's van. He said to tell her he'll probably be out most of the day. I hope you're alright... Your bedroom door was open and you weren't there. Are you ok honey? Let me know if you need to talk, especially if this has anything to do with that furry nuisance. I hope you don't mind, but could you keep Harper company today? Maybe show her around town or go for a hike?
Anyway, take care and have a nice Sunday.
Love, Mom.
I smiled at Mom's euphemism for the fact that Seth and I turned into giant furry monster's when the occasion called for it, but I couldn't help feeling a rush of fear at the conversation I was going to have to have with her. I hadn't ever expected to come out to my mom. Sam had been the first person I'd ever even felt attracted to. After he met Emily, I'd been so angry for so long that I'd barely had room in my life to think about attraction or love. After I started shifting, I'd just assumed it wasn't ever going to be a part of my life, ever again.
Everything had changed now. The way I thought about who I was, about my live up until yesterday. I realized there were a lot of difficult conversations headed my way. For a moment, I felt incredibly frightened at the immensity of it all. But before it could overwhelm me, I heard the sound of the bathroom door opening, and with a wave of steam, Harper stepped into the hall. I couldn't help grinning. She'd changed into a pair of thick, loose fitting green pants, and a black long sleeved top. Her wet hair curled loosely around her shoulders, and she was flushed with the warmth of the bathroom.
"There's coffee if you want it." I said, feeling strangely comforted by her warm appearance. "And breakfast, I didn't know what you'd want. So just help yourself to whatever's appetising. I can make eggs or pancakes, if you'd prefer."
She grinned at me, looking mildly amused, and I realized my whole hostess routine was getting a bit over the top. I shrugged helplessly, and she laughed. "Thanks Leah. Coffee is perfect for now. You shouldn't fuss about me. You've all done so much already. Relax, shower, do whatever you need to do."
The sound of her voice saying my name did strange things to my stomach. I ran a hand through my hair, and glanced towards my room, "I guess I should get ready for the day and all. Promise you'll let me know if you need anything?"
"I promise," She said, brushing a hand over my shoulder as she walked past me into the kitchen, "Now stop worrying." She grabbed one of the cups of coffee and sat down at the table, perusing the various breakfast goods arrayed before her.
I shook my head, and ducked into my bedroom to grab a change of clothes. In spite of myself I spent a few minutes trying to find an outfit that was appropriately nonchalant. I gave up in disgust and settle on a blue cotton shirt, and dark jeans, before racing to the shower. I hurried through my morning rituals, in a rush to be back in her presence, talking to her.
In the shower, I imagined things I could say to her. I played out conversations in my head, each one ending in her smiling at me, putting her arm in mine, kissing me. The water felt too warm against my skin, so I turned the hot tap closed, and stood under the cool stream. I had to remind myself to take this slowly. It was the strangest combination of fear, total joy, almost manic excitement, and just general confusion. The next few days, were the first and most important days of my new life.
All the other difficult conversations I was going to have to have, seemed tiny in comparison to the most important one. I had no idea how I was supposed to talk to her about... everything. But as I turned the water off and wrapped a towel around myself, I realized where I should start. With a new confidence, I dried, dressed, and opened the door.
Relationships must always be give and take. Well, I'd seen some of her vulnerabilities; maybe she could handle some of mine. She looked up at me as I walked into the room, a small smile on her face. Instantly I noticed a strange pain in her eyes, but her smile was fixed on her face.
"You're mum, is really lovely." She said, gesturing to the note on the table. I heard a catch in her voice on the word mum.
Pretending not to notice I grabbed my own cup of coffee, and sat down across from her. "She's amazing, the strongest person I know." I smile, with all the warmth I could manage, "I mean, she has to deal with Seth and me, and that isn't easy."
Harper's smile grew more natural, and she reached out for a muffin from the centre of the table. Tearing it apart and eating slowly. "You seem to have a really, strong relationship with her."
I let a small amount of the worry I was feeling show on my face, and decided to be honest. "Yeah, we do. Although, I'm worried, about... Urgh." I took a sip of my coffee, and looked over at her. I could barely believe I was going to say this, "I'm not out, to my mom. I need to talk to her, and I have to admit I'm terrified."
I stared straight ahead, both desperate to see how she would react to this information, and terrified of what I would read in her face.
"You're gay?" She was smiling. There was no sign of judgement or pity on her face.
"Yeah," I said, feeling the weight of the word and the label settle over me. I found I wasn't frightened of it, or rather, I wasn't frightened of being gay, only of what it would mean to the people I loved. "Yeah I am. It's taken me a long time to admit that." I grinned.
She smiled back broadly, "I was terrified when I told my parents, but it was much easier than I expected," Again I saw the flash of pain around her eyes. I was beginning to understand what it might mean. "They took it really well." She looked away quickly, and bit down hard on her lower lip.
I gave her a moment of silence, torn between wanting to comfort her, and wanting to jump for joy at her shared confidence. I reached across the table and placed my hand on hers.
"Thanks. I guess, Ill just have to work up the courage and get it over with."
She nodded, "Well, I don't know what use I'd be but, if you need any support or whatever, let me know. I owe you Leah."
I didn't like the sound of that so much, I didn't want her to feel beholden to me, "No, Harper, you don't owe me anything. Seriously!" She raised her eyebrows at me, and I waved a hand, try to brush away and ridiculous sense of obligation, "Look, how about after breakfast, we go for a hike or something. You can coach me on good coming out techniques, heck we can take a picnic make a day of it. You've been alone a while haven't you?" She nodded, "Well why don't you relax, enjoy some fellow human company, and not worry about owing anyone anything."
She sighed, and sounded a little exasperated. "Fine, whatever you say." A grin spread across her face, "But I will find a way to make it up to you."
I knew she wasn't going to give up on the idea, but I let it be. In spite of my new foray into honesty, I wasn't quite ready to tell her that it was more than enough just to be near her.
(AN: Sorry if this got a bit ragged towards the end. I just received news from my family, that a friend of ours whose been fighting cancer isn't going to get better. Um I'm a bit thrown by this. I really love writing this story and I'm going to keep updating as much as I can because, I don't know writing this is fun, enjoyable, cathartic? But if this story starts to get incoherent, pull me up ok? I want these to characters to help eachother to get better within themselves, cos you know I want the same thing for me, and for everyone. Sorry this is a little personal and silly, but I hope all of you feel loved, and safe, and hopeful. Bless bless.)
