A/N: Hi, everyone. Good news: I'm back. I was gone for a LONG time. I would have tried to update on Friday when I had gotten my computer privileges back, but we went to Georgia for the weekend and I forgot to bring my notepad if I would've had computer access. Anyway, my grades went up (NO more F'S - just D's).
Um, this chapter it's just Clare's pov and she explains her relationship with Fitz. I hope I didn't mess up because I didn't go over this. Hope you enjoy.
OH AND THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS AND FOLLOWS AND OTHER CRAP (:
CHAPTER SEVEN - BURNOUT
(Clare's POV)
Eli and I sit in the front seats of the rental car while the others doze off in the back seats. They didn't necessarily get drunk, but they had a few drinks and danced until they felt tired. And since I was declared the designated driver for the night, I had to be the one behind the wheel and to take us all back to the hotel, despite how sleepy I was.
My eyes grow heavy as I drive down the road. Beside me in the passenger's seat was a fully awake Eli, keeping me awake with conversation. Yes, he was more livelier than I and I know what you're probably thinking: If he's so alert, why isn't he driving instead of me? Good question (sort of), Darcy did not want Eli to drive, because during our hours at the club, he had tossed back a few drinks and no one wanted to take that risk. But psssh, at this time, Eli would have a lesser risk of getting into a wreck than I. I couldn't keep my eyes open!
My eyes close to a soft, blurry squint. "Clare," Eli hisses. My eyes pop back open and I stare directly at the road, trying to keep them open. Eli sighs, "Clare, I know you're tired, but I'm really not trying to die today. Stay awake please."
I shake my head quickly, truing to liven myself. "I'm trying."
"I know you are." he says and I nod, stopping at the a traffic light that is currently displaying a red light. Eli continues, "See, we're almost there Clare." He points to the crest of the hotel in the distance. "We should be there in a couple of with the rest of the drive, then you can crash."
I nod yet again and finish the rest of the drive with absolutely no problem.
When we arrive at the hotel, I am so happy, yet so tired. Everyone stumbles out of the car, into the hotel, and into the elevator. We all enter into the area and Peter pushes the "21" button. The doors slowly close their gap and I feel the elevator shift and begin to ascend. I close my eyes and tilt my head as I lean my back up against a wall in the elevator.
"I'm so sleepy," I hear Jake's voice state and a response of murmurs sound, agreeing with him. "What time is it?" I pinch the bridge of my and sigh, then open my eyes. Eli's digging into his pocket. He pulls out her cellphone.
"It's 2:27, Jake."
"Wow...Uh, I think we'll be able to get enough sleep for us to go on our hike in the morning, but it all depends on the time we're leavin'. Clare what time did Mom and Dad say we should be up, Clare?"
I twist my lips. Even though I considered Jake to be my brother and he considered my mother and sister as his family. I couldn't help but cringe every time he would call my mother, his mom. He had started doing this a year after Glen and my mom had gotten married. When he pronounced my mom as his, too, in a way, I think Glen had expected Darcy and I to do the same.
And Darcy did, I didn't. I mean, why should I? He wasn't my biological father.
I shake my head. "I don't know. Maybe 9 or 10."
Jake nods and we wait until the elevator reads, "21" and the doors open up.
...
I unlock the door to Eli's and I's room and push the door open. I glance at the bed and smile. I have never been so excited to rest in my life. "Oh how I've longed for you..." I shriek lovingly, trotting over to the kingsized bed and letting myself fall flat onto the plush bedding. I close my eyes and hum in relief. I hear the door close and I feel a weight drop down onto the bed beside me. I know it's Eli.
Without opening my eyes, I say, "You know you can't sleep here right...in this bed, with me."
"And why not?" Eli's voice chuckles.
I open my eyes to see Eli smirking (handsome) face staring at me. "I could think of a bunch of reasons Eli, but I'm far too tired to list them."
"Okay-okay-okay," Eli smirks, "where am I supposed to sleep then?"
"The chair, I guess, or you can take the floor. It's your choice."
He lists his head up and glances back at the chair. He views it for a second as if it is a tough decision. He whips his head back to me. "Um, I'll sleep in the chair, it looks way more comfortable than the floor." I wait for him to rise out of the bed and take his selected spot to sleep tonight, on the chair. He doesn't move though. I raise my eyebrows at him.
"I'll move," Eli speaks, "but first, I have to ask you a question and you have to answer it." Knowing that his questions was going to be related to the topic briefly mentioned earlier when we were at the airport. Fitz.
"Ask."
"Who's Fitz?" I knew it.
I exhale, "He's my ex, Eli."
"Yeah, I-I know that, but who was he exactly. Why did you two break up?"
"Why do you care about knowing about him?"
"I dunno. But just answer the question. Why did you and Fitz break up?"
"I just realized that...I just realized that it was a mistake of a relationship, and that he and I shouldn't have been together in the first place...Okay well now you know; you can go to the chair now."
Eli rolls off of the bed. I hand him a pillow and wrench the thin, white cover out from underneath the orange main cover on the top. I ball up the blanket and toss it over to him. "Here you go," I say. He smiles and thanks me as he begins making himself a little chair-bed on the fluffed sofa chair. Eli lies down on the chair, and I ease myself under the orange cover left on the bed. I try and close my eyes to sleep, but frustration strikes as I remember the lights are still on.
"Lights," I say hoarsely. Eli groans heavily and pushes himself up off of the chair. He makes his way to the entrance of the room and clicks the room's lights off. The room goes black. The only light that is shone is coming from the balcony doors and the city outside, but other than the small glow, I'm blind.
I notice dark figure [Eli] crossing the room, blindly trying to navigate across the room and back to his rightful spot. I hear a thud and Eli's voice screeches, "Damn it!"
I snicker. I guess he's temporarily blind, too.
"That's not funny," Eli states, laughing his own self.
"What did you run into?"
"Stupid swivel chair, I think."
I laugh again and cease when I see Eli finds his seat and lays back down. I roll my body over with my back facing Eli's direction. We both stay silent for a few minutes until Eli says, "Clare..."
Halfway asleep, I murmur, "Yeah Eli?"
"I'm really sorry that things didn't work out between you and that guy. I mean, I'm sorry that... I don't know; I'm just sorry."
"It's okay." I tell him nonchalantly.
"O-okay. Goodnight Clare."
"Goodnight Eli." I respond, nestling my body into the mattress of the bed and closing my eyes trying to sleep. As I lie there with my eyes shut, my mind drifts off to the though of my relationship with Mark "Fitz" Fitzgerald.
I had started dating Mark in grade 11. I was 17 and he was 18, but he was still in grade 11, because he had not passed it due to his lack of attendance and bad - no, horrible - grades. But anyway, when my mom and dad had divorced, and my mom decided to get remarried to Glen, I went through a phase: teenage rebellion.
I was angry. Angry at my dad for letting my mom get away; angry at Glen for betraying my dad's friendship; angry at my mom for remarrying. I was so confused as to how my mother had just seemed to obliterate 20+ years of marriage with my father from her memory and marry our family friend in a matter of months.
It made no sense.
And Glen, he just walked in and acted as if he were my father - which he wasn't.
Everyone knew I was beyond upset, especially Jake who had demanded me to behave and keep quiet. Pretend like I was happy for them. I did not dare put on a fake smile for them; I made my feelings known. At the moment, I thought "Fuck love, this is just wrong!" and I never did agree with it before or after Fitz.
So going through my "bad ass" phase, I lost a lot: my perfect grades, spotless absence for attendance, friends - even Adam -, respect from my authorities, any allowed privileges from my mom - but I disobeyed her orders anyway.
One day, my no-care routine wounded me up in detention after I let accidentally let a couple of curse words fly out of my mouth to my english teacher, Mrs. Dawes, during a arguement. Well, in detention that afternoon, I met a boy/student named Mark Fitzgerald - better known as Fitz (also known as the guy who accompanied Owen in the assault of my former friend Adam).
I had heard Fitz name in a string of Degrassi circulated rumors. I had always feared the day I'd just happen to run into him. From what I had heard in all of that gossip, Fitz should have been in prison by now; his record involved several illegal accounts, from doing cocaine to raping girls. Sky's the limit. He did everything.
I remember sitting down in the closest desk to the teacher responsible for chaperoning detention today, Mr. Perino, and also the desk furthest away from Fitz. We all sat quietly in the room for 20 minutes until Mr. Perino announced that he was going to the bathroom. Panick struck. If Perino left, I'd be in a classroom alone with Fitz. With my eyes, I pleaded the teacher not to leave. He ignored me and exited the classroom. Once the teacher went out the doorway, I heard a rustling of the desks. I looked over and caught sight of a grinning Mark in the desk beside me. He then asked me what had I done to get placed in here. I was surprised when he had used my name - I guess he knew who I was..
I told Fitz that I had got into an agreement with Mrs. Dawes; he congratulated me with a high-five. I smiled at him, he was sort of cute in a way. We talked and talked until Mr. Perino returned. But in those 2 minutes, Fitz had invited me to go somewhere with him after our detention sentence was over. I dumbly accepted.
After detention, Fitz had taken me to the ravine, or the STD Wonderland that I had know my former friend, Alli, used to go to in grade 9 to hook up with her grade 12 boyfriend, Johnny. She had dragged me there one time and when I went back with Fitz that day I could honestly say it was exactly the same - just the people were replaced with newer, hornier, sleazier people than the last time.
Last thing I remember from that night with Fitz at the ravine was that we were making out up against a tree. He had tried to get me to do more than just kiss, but I had stopped him. He gave me a grin and admitted that he liked me. I smiled and we continued the rest of the night with just kissing (and some occasional touching).
2 months later, I guess Mark and I were together... Well as much as I knew. See, Fitz and I limited ourself to labels. Sure, we'd make out and were practically inseparable, but we had no title.
With Fitz, I'd do things, a lot of things, but never sex. Even though I liked him a lot, I couldn't throw away my purity pledge for him. I wasn't in love.
But one night around the end of the school year, my mother expressed her disappointment in me when she had discovered that Mark and I were "dating". We argued, and I left the house. Walking down the street, I called Fitz and he immediately agreed to pick me up (and I wish I hadn't called him - NO, he didn't rape me if that's what you're thinking; it was consensual at the time).
Fitz and I sat in his car. I was a wreck, bawling into his shoulder, telling him all the horrible things that my mother said about him - about us. He comforted me with hugs, and then kisses, and then his hands traveled around me and slid underneath my clothing. I was too messed up to understand what he was doing, but then I did. Fitz was using my vulnerability to his sexual advantage.
I noticed I was topless and he neither had a shirt on anymore. He proceeded to remove my pants and I put a halt to his doings. I told him I didn't want to have sex - not that night. This angered Fitz, he argued with me about being so ... prudey. I took offense to his words and started to redress myself. He stopped me and said if I had loved him, I'd do this...
I had not loved him, but his plead had hypnotized me into doing it; I allowed him to take my virginity.
My First Time was with Mark Fitzgerald in the backseat of his junky car and only happened because I was weak. Too weak to deny him. My experience, to sum it up, was awful. It was not as special as I had pictured it to be. Fitz in no way possible was a virgin. He did not go even the slightest bit easy on me. And also, there was absolutely no romanticism in it at all. At the end of it all, I was in pain, but still managed to whisper, "I love you." And he never responded with an "I love you" back. He just said, "That was awesome, Clare, let's do it again tomorrow night."
My heart had sank. I redressed as fast as I could and demanded him to take me back home; he looked confused, but took me home anyway. I was furious at my virginity keeper and my lower area was in immense pain still. We arrived at my house and I ran into the house, heartbroken. I "broke up" with Mark, or ended whatever we had, the next day and he questioned why. I never exactly told him what was wrong, he should've known the reason for my sadness.
When Mark found out that I was actually serious about not seeing him again, he threw a tantrum, yelling at me. Then, the worst part happened, he got on the stage during our lunch time and made an announcement to the whole student body who were having lunch that he had taken my virginity in the back of his car. Gasps had sounded through the entire cafe, and the news spread like wildfire.
After doing it Fitz had apologized to me and stated that he wanted me back, but I declined his offer and promised never to talk to him again. What he had just did was unforgivable.
Fitz's announcement had ruined the rest of grade 11 for me.
During the summer, I had heard that Fitz had been arrested for attempting to steal a car, I brushed it off my shoulder and pretended not to care. I did, but only a little. I was done with him.
My last year of Degrassi, my label of "slut" had died down and I initiated my plan to regain my old life back, get my act back together. I tried my best in school and got good grades, apologized to my friends and got them to take me back; they understood that I was going through a rough patch last year and forgave me with open arms. And that was the end of that, I was back to normal...minus the fact that Fitz had broken my ability to ever love and trust a guy well enough to allow myself to be very intimate with, because I had thought and still think that every guy I date has no interest in me, but only in being with me.
That's why I never did anything with Jason or Jackson no matter how much they wanted to. I couldn't believe that they truly cared about me and not they just were using me. Jason might've loved me since we had been together for a long period, but Jackson...doubtful.
I shake my head softly and curl up into a ball under the covers. I close my eyes, letting my body shut down for the night.
Stomach: (growls)
I'm going to make some Mac & cheese.
You guys should really review while I eat.
iloveyouall
-MFFITS
