Chapter 7: Monkey?
Deidara loomed over the little figure peacefully asleep in the bed. When Sasori told him to go wake the housekeeper so she could at least show him where the spare bedding was he had expected an old woman, not a young girl. He wasn't sure how to wake her up.
"Uh…hn…"
There was no way in hell he was going back out there to say that he was too scared to wake her up. After the whole thing with Itachi his ego was bruised enough. He mustered up a bit of courage…then poked her.
"No Kisame," she murmured in her sleep. "We don't have any more shrimp."
Deidara felt himself deflate. They were making him do this just to screw with him, he knew it. She probably wasn't even the housekeeper at all. She looked innocent enough but he got the feeling that the moment he did finally wake her she'd reveal some crazy deadly jutsu that would blow him into next week.
'Get a grip, she's just a girl.'
He poked her again, a little harder than the first time. Her eye's fluttered open and for a few seconds she simply stared at him trying to get her eyes to focus.
It took a little while but Tohru's brain finally confirmed that whoever had woke her up wasn't someone from the Akatsuki. Too startled to even scream she let out a few strangled squeaks and instinctively starting pushing herself away from him until…
Thud
Along with her blanket and sheet Tohru went over the side of the bed, landing in a jumbled mess on the floor.
"No-no-no-no," Deidara said quickly as he skirted around to the other side of the bed. "I just need a blanket hn!"
"Here take them," Tohru squeaked holding out the blanket she was still struggling to free herself from. She had never heard of a blanket thief but she supposed there could be weirder things, no… living with the Akatsuki there would always be weirder things.
"Not yours hn," Deidara snorted.
'Is she for real?'
"I'm the new member," Deidara said as bent down trying to help Tohru out of the blanket before she ended up killing herself.
"And I'm hoping you're the housekeeper or else I'm gonna feel really stipid hn," he added once she calmed down.
"No…I am," she mumbled still giving him a wary look.
"Good, okay then…Sasori said I needed to wake you up so you could show me where the spare bedding is hn."
Tohru gave him a confused look. "But I already made you're bed."
"You did hn?" Deidara croaked.
"Why do you do that?" Tohru asked, easing up a little.
"Do what?"
"Hn."
"Force of habbit, hn."
"Oh, well did they at least tell you what room was yours?"
"No," Deidara muttered.
"I'll show you," Tohru smiled.
"So are you like a hostage or something hn?" Deidara asked as he followed her down the hall.
"No," Tohru giggled.
"Are you related to someone here hn?"
"No."
"So you're just the housekeeper hn?"
"Just the housekeeper," Tohru smiled, as she opened the door to his room.
"You're bathroom is over there," she said pointing to the door across from his bed. "I have two towels out for you; just let me know if you need more. I wash the bedding weekly, and collect all the laundry every three days. Breakfast is done at eight but if you're not there I'll set aside your plate, I don't make lunch but there is plenty of food in the fridge if you want something, dinner is at six but like breakfast you don't have to eat at that time. Is there anything you specifically don't like to eat?"
"Um…I don't like mixed rice hn?" he said, in a slight bit of awe. He had been expecting a grungy base full of disgruntled criminals instead her got a pretty girl who would do all his laundry and cook him food…it was a pretty sweet setup he had to admit.
Tohru opened her mouth so say something else but a bit of movement coming from Deidara's hand stopped her.
'Was…was that a tongue?'
Deidara, seeing her interest, held up both palms and braced himself for either a 'ew', or a shriek, or a look of disgust. To his surprise though, she just looked a little shocked at first and then concerned.
"Um, I…I only put one toothbrush in your bathroom…are you going to need more?" she asked, looking from his hands back to him.
"They're like two hyperactive squirrels," Kisame complained.
Konan rubbed her temples as she continued to look at the front door. Deidara had been there for two months but she still wasn't sure if it had been wise to allow him to go with Tohru. It was the first time she had been out of the base without her or Sasori, she just hoped Deidara wouldn't lose track of her.
'It'll be fine.'
"They're young," Konan sighed, finally looking away from the door.
"Doesn't make them any less annoying," Kisame huffed. "Really not looking forward to hordes of little blonde, blue-eyed, obsessive compulsive cleaning, overly apathetic babies running around."
"What?" Kanan asked, feeling like the breath had just been knocked out of her.
"Bound to happen," Kisame shrugged.
"I think...I think I need to go, check on something," she said before rushing out the door.
Kisame waited until he knew she was away from the door before breaking into a fit of laughter.
"Okay, I'll get straight to the point," Konan said in dead seriousness, making the girl sitting across from her desk shift uncomfortably in her seat.
"Did I do something wrong Konan-sama?" Tohru asked softly.
"No," Konan sighed, trying to be a little more gentle. She just really did not want to be having this conversation. "These are for you."
Tohru watched as Konan pulled a book and what looked like a little plastic compact mirror from her desk.
"Sadly this is more accurate than any medical journal I could give you," she said, placing the book on the desk, trying hard not to think of who wrote it.
"Icha Icha Paradise?" Tohru asked, taking the book. "Why would I…"
"It's a very graphic romance novel…I'm not sure if you know about…I'm sure you do but just in case you don't…Any question you've had about relations between a man and a woman will be covered in that book."
Tohru stared wide-eyed at Konan but remained silent. The woman was essentially giving her porn.
"Start taking these," Konan said, handing her the little blue plastic 'compact'. "The Sunday after your period starts."
"I don't…I-I-I…I'm not…" Tohru stammered after opening it and seeing what it actually was.
"Might as well be on the safe side," Konan said, giving her a feeble smile. "Birth control does have some medical benefits so even if you're not…having sex, it won't hurt to be on it."
"Tohru?" Konan asked, seeing her sway a little. "Are you okay?"
"No…I mean yes!" Torhu exclaimed, snapping to attention. "Thank-you-very-much-Konan-sama-is-there-anything-else-we-needed-to-talk-about!"
Konan shook her head slightly. Tohru gave a little bow and bolted from the room, only to come back a few seconds later to grab the two items off the desk, bow again then disappear.
"If Deidara ever did try anything I think she would pass out," Konan murmured with amusement.
"So where are you two going tonight hn?" Deidara asked, watching an upside-down Tohru scurry around her room.
"He didn't say," Torhu replied, smiling a little at him, he was sprawled out on her bed, with his head hanging over the side.
After their talk last night she felt a little more comfortable around him, not that she had ever really been uncomfortable. Everything was out in the open now, it was…liberating.
'Strange to think of a rejection as liberating,' Tohru laughed a little inside her head. But now he was just a friend, there was no possibility of being something more constantly in the back of her mind. It didn't hurt had badly as she thought it would, if anything it served to solidify what they already had.
It was sort of like trying to build a tower out of blocks and adding pieces that really didn't belong. Now that those pieces had been set aside the 'tower' didn't look exactly how she had wanted but it was much more stable.
"This isn't the new one is it hn?" Deidara asked as he reached out to take the red book from her nightstand.
"No," Tohru said uncomfortably. "I kinda stopped reading the new one."
"Why, not any good hn?"
"It was," Tohru blushed. "It's just the main character in that one…well he sorta…he looks a lot like…"
She stopped and made a small whining noise in the back of her throat. Not wanted to actually say who he looked like, she instead padded over to her closet and pulled out the plushy she had bought.
"Here," she mumbled, tossing the plushy to Deidara.
Deidara sat up and stared at the doll for a moment, it didn't look like anyone he knew. He tilted it to the side, then backwards. Its long black yarn hair fell behind its shoulders and then it clicked.
"Oh," he laughed.
"Given the…er…nature of the book…some parts became a little uncomfortable to read."
Deidara broke out into even more laughter. "I…I wonder…what…what Kakuzu…would…would say if…if he knew you…you were," Deidara managed to get out.
"I wasn't thinking of him like…" Tohru stammered, her eyes growing wide. "N-not on purpose…that's why I stopped reading it."
"Not on purpose hn?" he cackled. "So that means that you were!"
"Oh yes Kakuzu I love you!" Deidara exclaimed in a dreamy girly voice as he held the doll out in front of himself. "Please, I can't wait any longer take me now!"
Hidan set his book down in his lap and stared with disgust at the wall across from his bed.
"This place needs thicker fucking walls," he grumbled.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Deidara's voice continued seeping through into his room. "You're so big!"
"For fuck sake!" Hidan hissed as he jumped up from his bed.
"Rapture!...So good!...I'm seeing fireworks!...I'm going to-"
"Deidara!" Hidan roared, banging on Tohru's door. "Shut the fuck up!"
"Go suck a dick Hidan!" Deidara called out from the other side.
"Me?" Hidan sputtered loudly. "You're the one who's-"
"Imitating Tohru!" Deidara cut in as he pulled the door open.
"What?" Tohru squeaked from behind Deidara, looking impossibly pale…and almost green.
"Tohru?"
"And Kakuzu," Deidara nodded seriously.
"They're…" Hidan trailed off, his face going slack with shock and horror.
"Sharing wild passionate nights of romance?"
"Deidara!" Tohru exclaimed.
"I don't want to know," Hidan said quickly. "Just stop what you were doing!"
"Keep staring at me like that and I'll cut off your fucking head and shove it up your ass," Kakuzu grumbled as he sat in the living room waiting for Tohru.
"What happened to your noble declaration that you weren't going to sleep with her?" Hidan muttered, still giving Kakuzu the same glare.
"What the fuck are you talking about dipshit?"
"Not that I care, because trust me I don't, but it seems low… even for you."
"I'm not sleeping with anyone."
"Deidara apparently heard you two and was giving a fucking disturbing rendition of Tohru's performance."
"What?" Kakuzu bit out.
"Saying she loves you while you're doing that," Hidan said with annoyance. "Doesn't count. And he's not a part of the bet so it doesn't matter anyway…me, Kisame, Zetsu or Sasori have to hear her say it."
"Tohru and I haven't done anything…she hasn't said anything," Kakuzu growled, trying to keep his temper and volume in check.
"Then why would Deidara be teasing Tohru about it?"
"I intend to find out," Kakuzu said darkly.
"What happened to your cheek?" Tohru asked in concern as she reached out and lightly ran her fingertips over the still developing bruise forming on Deidara's lower cheek and jaw. She was still upset with him for what he did earlier but not enough to not care about his wellbeing.
"I ran into the wall hn," Deidara said tightly as he gave a wicked glare to Kakuzu. Tohru nodded sympathetically, she had run into many a wall…though maybe not that hard.
'Fucking geezer doesn't have a sense of humor…but his face when I explained everything was almost worth it."
"Anyway," said Deidara looking back at Tohru. "I wanted to catch you before you left, to ask you where you kept your sewing kit hn."
"Why do you need my sewing kit?"
"Just a little project I wanted to work on hn," Deidara said innocently.
"If you need something mended I can do it for you, Itachi needed me to patch up his cloak…I was going to do it later tonight so…"
"No," Deidara cut her off. "It's nothing like that hn."
"Oh…okay? It's under my bed; it should have anything you need."
"I'll put it back once I'm finished," Deidara turned to leave then stopped. "Have fun, oh and Kakuzu hn?"
"Hm?" Kakuzu grunted.
"If you think she's spunky," Deidara grinned. "Be sure to wrap your monkey hn."
"Monkey?" Tohru asked, tilting her head.
"Nothing," Kakuzu growled as he yanked the front door open forcefully and shoved Tohru outside.
"So where are we going?" Tohru asked, having to do a little jog to keep up with Kakuzu.
"Well, technically it's a bar, but the food is good." Or so he hoped, he hadn't ever eaten there but he did know they at least served food. He had forgotten that he was supposed to be meeting someone about a handful of new bounties that had come up but he didn't want to cancel on Tohru so he figured he'd mix business with…business.
"I'll have to leave you alone for a bit but I'll still be in the bar. I need to speak to someone about something but it shouldn't take more than ten minutes."
"Just stay there," Kakuzu commanded as Tohru sat at a small table looking a little uncomfortable. "If anyone tries getting you a drink, don't take it. I'll be back in that corner; if someone starts bothering you just come get me."
"Okay," Tohru nodded. "Did you want me to order you something?"
"Sure," Kakuzu shrugged before turning to leave.
"What do you want me to order?"
"Surprise me," he chuckled, glancing back at her.
"Kakuzu?"
"Ritsu," Kakuzu greeted sitting across from the ginger haired man. "Need to make this quick, I'm busy."
"I can see that," Ritsu said, peeking around Kakuzu to look at Tohru. "Well this is a day for the record books; you without a mask, in civilian clothes no less, on a date with a decent looking girl."
Kakuzu glanced down at what he was wearing it wasn't that far off from what he usually wore. A dark blue shirt, black slacks…nothing special.
"She's part of a bet," Kakuzu sighed.
"A bet?" Ritsu chuckled. "You're out on a date because of a bet?"
"Zangei said you had a new list of bounties, you got them or not?"
"Geez, fine here." Ritsu slid a small stack of papers across the table to Kakuzu.
"She's pretty," Ritsu mused as Kakuzu shuffled through the papers. "A bit too sweet for my taste though. So is it just a single date or is there more to it?"
"I have to get her to say she loves me within the next…twenty-two days I think is what I have left," Kakuzu mumbled absently.
"Hope you didn't bet too much," Ritsu snorted.
Kakuzu looked up long enough to glare before going back to reading. "I'm well on my way to winning. She's already said she likes me…not to me of course. But I overheard her talking."
"Is she just a random civilian?"
"She's our housekeeper."
Ritsu's eyebrows shot up. "You guys have a housekeeper?"
"Someone has to cook and clean."
"She any good?"
"I guess…the laundry is always done on time and she's never burned anything."
"Ah, the sweet little housewife type," Ritsu said wistfully. "Lucky bastard, bet you're having loads of fun with her."
"Yeah, loads of fun," Kakuzu said sarcastically.
"Well how long have you been at it?"
"A week yesterday."
"And you're not banging her yet?"
"No," Kakuzu said sharply. "And I have no intentions to."
"Why the hell not?"
"Seeing as how she will continue to be our housekeeper after this bet is over, I'd prefer not pissing her off even more by taking away something she can never get back."
Kakuzu paused in reading, remembering the day before.
"Breath Tohru," Kakuzu chuckled, noticing the way Tohru's face was beginning to turn purple as she sat there dumbly holding the sheet.
"Hai," she breathed.
"Think I was going to kiss you or something?" he asked as he placed the folded sheet on the table. Tohru instantly turned bright red.
"N-no," she stammered.
"Might get slapped for trying something like that, right?" he grinned, moving closer to her.
Tohru remained silent, unsure of what to say. Would she slap him?...No, but it wasn't something she was sure she wanted him to do either.
Kakuzu leaned forward until he was eye level with her. "Would you slap me Tohru?" he asked in a tone that sent a shiver up her spine.
Her silence continued. Her chest felt heavy- it was hard to think with him so close.
"Are you going to make me find out for myself?" he asked as he gently tilted her chin up with his knuckle.
Tohru was frozen on the spot as he closed the small distance between them, brushing his lips softly against hers in what could barely be considered a kiss. It was over before she knew it; she had absolutely no experience when it came to kissing someone but she thought her first kiss would have been more…epic.
Kakuzu chuckled, handing her the corners of another sheet. "Well I didn't get slapped, so I guess I'm doing something right."
"Uh-huh," Tohru mumbled, feeling a little numb.
"Hn, well some things I don't mind taking…but not her virginity," Kakuzu said.
"How thoughtful," Ritsu said dryly. "Maybe you do have a heart after all. But aren't you going to have a little fun with her at least? Seems like a shame to waste a good opportunity, virgins are always fun to toy with."
"I didn't say I wouldn't be having fun…just limited fun," Kakuzu grinned darkly at Ritsu.
"So what are you going to do after you've won the bet?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you going to string her along afterwards or drop her like a newborn giraffe?"
"I haven't given it much thought," Kakuzu shrugged. "But I don't like wasting time so I'll probably come up with a bullshit excuse and drop her."
"How long after?"
"Immediately."
"You're going to dump the poor thing right after she tells you she loves you?" Ritsu laughed. "Never mind, I take it back…you are heartless."
"And?" Kakuzu snorted.
"Vultures are starting to move in," Ritsu said, pointing to a young man with unusual black and white hair.
Kakuzu looked back, spotting the man as he sat down across from Tohru. "As long as he doesn't try taking her somewhere she'll be fine. Keep an eye on them."
"Not worried about him moving in on your territory?"
"She's the biggest space cadet you'll ever meet if he tries to flirt with her, she'll be completely oblivious."
"Yeah, she does look a bit out there…"
"Twenty-million for this cunt?" Kakuzu asked, holding up one of the papers. "He doesn't look like much."
Ritsu shrugged.
"You ready to order something hun?" a worn looking waitress drawled, tapping her pen against her pad of paper.
Tohru looked back to where Kakuzu was sitting, he still looked busy.
'He did say to order him something…um…I guess I could just order him the same thing I'm getting.'
"Uh, can I get two orders of the kare rice?"
"Mild or spicy?"
"Mild?"
"It'll be out when it gets out," the waitress said before walking away.
"O-okay."
Tohru fidgeted in her seat. Before joining the Akatsuki she had lived in a less savory part of town so the type of people in the bar really didn't bother her but it was the first time in three years she had been left alone outside the base for a long period of time.
"Are you here alone?" someone asked from beside her.
"I-I'm waiting for s-someone," Tohru squeaked looking up at the man who had spoken as he moved around to sit across from her.
"Mind if I get you a drink while you wait then?" he asked.
"No thank you," Tohru mumbled.
"Afraid of strangers?" he purred. "What if I tell you my name, then maybe you'll let me buy you drink?"
"I don't want a drink," Tohru said firmly.
"Names Hatsuharu, but because you're so cute I'll let you call me Haru. What's your name?"
"Tohru."
"So Tohru, waiting on a lover?" Haru asked, settling a little further back in his seat.
"L-lover?" Tohru sputtered. "N-no."
"No? Then who?" Haru smirked.
"My…uh…friend?" Tohru replied softly, pointing to where Kakuzu was sitting.
Haru glanced to where Tohru was pointing. He didn't think much of the man until he held out a paper to show the other man sitting across from him, giving Haru a good view of his arm. The tattoos…the stitches…the slight impressions of masks under his shirt…
"Kakuzu?" Haru asked, going rigid.
"Uh-huh?"
"Very sorry to bother you," he apologized quickly before bolting from his seat.
"Guess they got a new cook," Kakuzu said lamely as Tohru placed a plate of food in front of him.
"It really was pretty bad," Tohru giggled, sitting down with her own plate.
"Pretty bad is an understatement."
The food had been terrible, bordering on inedible. He had only taken a few bites before deciding that they would be better off going back to the base.
"How about I pick where we go next time?"
"Next time, so you're still willing to go out with me again after that fiasco?"
"Might make you sit and watch Ichi Icha Violence to make it up to me, but yes," Tohru smiled.
"Watch?" Kakuzu asked, arching a brow. "They actually made a movie based on those books of yours?"
"M-hmm, there are two of them out so far…They might make a movie about the newest one as well."
"Really?" Kakuzu grinned. "Hm, maybe I'll give up being an infamous bounty hunter and try my hand at acting. I've heard I bear a strong resemblance to the main character."
"What?" Tohru peeped, her chopsticks slipping from her fingers, clattering against her plate.
"Think I'd get the part?" he asked, still grinning.
"I…I…uh…well…I…I don't…"
"Nah, you're probably right. I'm sure I would be terrible at it. Are you feeling alright Tohru, you look flushed."
Tohru nodded as she picked her chopsticks back up. She couldn't tell if he was being serious, or if he had somehow heard about that afternoon and was teasing her about it.
"Do you have any hobbies Tohru?" He needed to start on completing the tasks assigned in the chapter meant for today. He didn't like the fact that Sasori had added his own advice to the book, but he had to admit that some of it wasn't half bad. Today he was supposed to ask the questions that were listed in the back of the book; Sasori had crossed most of them out so it wouldn't be a hard task.
"Um, well…of course I like to read. I like organizing things, but that's not really a hobby is it?"
Kakuzu shrugged.
"I sometimes knit, but haven't done it in a while," Tohru gave a soft giggle. "That's it really. I'm not very interesting I guess. Do you have any hobbies?"
"None."
"At all?"
"Yep."
"I could teach you how to knit," Tohru offered making Kakuzu laugh.
"Thank you, but no. If Hidan ever caught me knitting he would never let me live it down, and he's enough of a pain in the ass as it is."
"He's not so bad," she smiled.
"Better than Hisha but I still say I would be better off without a partner."
Tohru's shifted uncomfortably. She didn't like thinking about Hisha. The day he died had been a very…interesting day. She had woken up to a lot of screaming but had been stopped from leaving her room by Deidara. She ended up spending the majority of that day in her room because they needed to 'clean up' before she could be allowed out.
"Uh, what's your favorite food?" he asked quickly realizing that brining up the man he had killed almost right outside her door may have been a bad idea.
"Dango…or more specifically chadango but…" Tohru smiled again. "It's one of the few things I don't know how to make."
"Like liver?" Kakuzu sulked.
Tohru giggled. "If you make me dango, I will make you liver."
"I might hold you to that."
"It has to be good though."
"Are you saying you don't think I can cook?"
"Can you?" Tohru asked curiously.
"Of course I can cook Tohru," he chuckled. "You pick up a lot of things when you've lived as long as I have."
Tohru paused, giving him a thoughtful expression. It was easy to forget that he really was very old, he just didn't look it. Though, she couldn't really say how old he did look.
"Um…" Tohru fumbled with her word inside her head. She didn't want to upset him and she really wasn't sure how to word what she wanted to ask. "How…how old where you when you stopped aging?"
Kakuzu gave her a reassuring smile, trying to ease her obvious discomfort. He understood what she was asking, but wasn't quite sure how to answer her. He didn't want to go into all the details of his 'immortality' if that's what you could call it, but he needed to give her something at least.
"I was twenty-six," he finally answered.
"How old were you when you stopped aging?" he countered, trying to throw her off from asking anymore questions on the subject.
Tohru bit her lip trying not to smile. "Seventeen," she said, without missing a beat.
'She can be quick when she wants to be.'
Kakuzu chuckled and nodded. "So how old are you really?"
"Hmm," Tohru hummed. "Two hundred and thirty…five...I think …it's hard to keep track."
"Ah well then, I'm not sure if I want to go on anymore dates. You're much too old for me."
Tohru giggled. "Will you still watch Icha Icha with me?"
"If it's anything like the books I'm sure it's pretty racy. Think an old woman like you can handle that much excitement?"
"I'm sure I'll be fine."
"If you have a heart-attack, don't say I didn't warn you."
"I just need to go get Itachi's cloak and my sewing kit," Tohru said to Kakuzu who was walking down the hall towards the living room.
"If Deidara remembered to put it back," she murmured under her breath as she opened the door to her room and turned on the light.
Luckily he had, it was sitting neatly on the foot of her bed. As she opened it to retrieve some black thread and a needle she momentarily glanced up. For some reason her plushy was sitting, propped up against her pillows. Except…
Tohru paled, taking a closer look at the doll. It's yarn hair had been cut so it barely touched it's shoulders, instead of blue eyes they had been sewn over with red and green thread, and thick black stitched were sewn into its 'skin' to match…
"Tohru?" Kakuzu asked slowly from the doorway.
She spun around praying he wouldn't notice but the confused look on his face told her he had.
Ritsu…didn't mean for him to be in character (So don't get your panties in a bunch)…. Just having a little fun…gotta keep myself amused somehow…Haru…guess he could almost be in character…if we're talking about black Haru… I intend on having the whole Fruits Basket gang pop up randomly throughout the story…
AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEWS! *PETS YOU ALL*
