The girl who seemed unbreakable broke. The girl who always laughed, cried. The girl that never stopped trying, finally gave up. She dropped her fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered to herself, "I can't do this anymore."
-unknown (to me)
"Good evening Kikyo-chan," the nurse greeted as she wheeled in a cart of food. "I've brought your dinner." She smiled and placed the food on the tray over the hospital bed.
Kikyo just nodded as a response to the woman's greeting.
"Now, you must be hungry. You hardly touched breakfast and have been working hard all day so be sure to eat as much as you can so you can keep up your strength." She smiled as she poured juice and left the girl to her plate. Kikyo stared at the food, but felt no inclination to eat any of it. What was the point? She wasn't hungry or thirsty, she just wanted to be left alone. So the eight year old stood and got out of bed, having to take the crutch that was lying next to it to prop herself up, and carried the plate to the window where she dumped most of it out for the birds to eat. She was always told that wasting food was bad, but at least this way someone would get to eat it and the doctors wouldn't be too mad at her.
Kikyo sighed before hobbling her way back to her bed and placing the crutch back at its side. She was tired and just wanted to rest. The nurse was right, she'd been working hard all day on her rehabilitation, but something was going horribly wrong. Her condition was worsening instead of improving. Before the memorial service she was getting a little bit better at moving around, she could even get down the hallway without any kind of help. One time she even got to go outside and walk around the hospital garden on her own. But now, she couldn't even support herself well enough to get across her room without some kind of assistance. It was like her body was giving up on her.
"Hi Kikyo!" Hotaru waved as she and Naruto came in like they did almost every day, bringing in that day's assignment and some sweets to snack on.
"You'll never believe what I did to Iruka-sensei! It was the most genius prank ever! Dattebayo!" Naruto snickered and went into some tale about his hilarious prank. Hotaru gave him a disapproving look, but still added in certain details so the story would seem better.
Kikyo didn't feel much like listening to them and their happy, daily lives, but she nodded at certain points to make it look like she was paying attention.
"…And then Iruka-sensei's face got super red cause the whole class was there! Hahahaha!" Naruto was rolling on the ground while he laughed.
"And then Naruto got a month's worth of detention and Minato-san will probably be waiting for him when he gets home." Hotaru crossed her arms and Naruto stopped dead in his tracks, his face quickly losing color until it turned blue.
"Mmhmm." Kikyo nodded again and stared out the window.
"Hey! Let's go outside and play!" Naruto exclaimed.
"Naruto!" Hotaru elbowed him. "Kikyo can't run around and play!" she hissed, trying her best for Kikyo not to hear her.
"Well we can carry her along too! Or-or we could take a wheelchair! What do you say Kikyo?! Sounds like fun doesn't it?!" he asked hopefully.
"You two go on. I don't feel so well."
"You don't? Should I go get a nurse or Tomoe-san or—"
"No, I just want to rest." She pulled the blanket over her head.
"Come on Kikyo!" Naruto complained.
"Goodbye." Kikyo didn't even emerge from under the covers.
The next morning her painful routine started all over again. "Okay Runt!" Tomoe practically kicked the door open like she did every morning. "Rise and fucking shine! It's a brand new fucking day so skippidy fucking doo da!"
"Well, aren't you in a lovely mood this morning?" Kikyo said in a monotone.
"You bet I fucking am now let's get going Runt!"
Tomoe sat with her when breakfast came so she couldn't dump it like she had been doing the last few days. Kikyo felt like she was going to be sick from having to eat the food that just tasted like ash in her mouth. She wished Tomoe would just leave her alone so she could rest. Well, maybe rest was too strong a word. Kikyo hadn't really rested in… she couldn't even remember how long now. She would just close the curtains, turn off the lights, and lay as still as she could. That was the only time the pain wasn't so bad. Kikyo finally finished what she thought she could handle and put down her fork.
Tomoe shook her head. "All of it." She pointed.
"I'm done Tomoe," Kikyo told her.
"No, eat all of it."
"But I'm not hungry."
"I don't give a fuck." The older Tadashi narrowed her eyes. Kikyo took in a deep breath to maybe make herself look bigger. She had lost a lot of weight since awakening and was beginning to look gaunt. "Eat. The. Rest."
"Tomoe, I—"
"If you don't fucking eat it on your own then I'll shove it down your throat or better yet, I'll have the doctors give you an IV." She smirked and crossed her arms.
"Why? Why are you bothering with this?" Kikyo grumbled as she tried to eat the rest.
"Because I have nothing better to do at the moment." She gave her a bitchy sneer.
"Whatever." Tomoe's hovering couldn't last forever could it? Right? She had to move on with her own life at some point. She'd get tired of pitying the stupid, hurt little kid and try to go back to her normal routine. If she weren't such a bitch Kikyo might even advise her to go on a date or two, but what brain dead, desperate, half-wit would go out with Tomoe?
That day's physical therapy went especially disastrous. It felt like Kikyo's body had completely given up on ever moving again, could anyone really blame it though? Every wrong move, every twitch was like a switch waiting to be flipped. They were about halfway through the session when Kikyo just wanted to stop. It all hurt and burned and she just wanted some kind of peace! Anything, anything at all would do at this point!
Kikyo didn't know what to do, her body had already given up on her and her mind was beginning to agree with it. By the time she was placed back in her hospital bed she could do little more than lift her head up without yelling out in pain. She laid her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes.
She was running, running as fast as she could in a pitch black place. Hurry, she had to go faster before it caught her! Kikyo felt her breath become short, but she continued to sprint at her top speed until something grabbed her wrist and halted the girl in her tracks. A hand had shot out of the darkness and took hold of her with an iron grip.
"Not… safe…" a bodiless voice said from the black around her. "You're never going to be safe…" It suddenly pulled her down and without warning she was sinking in a black, dense liquid. Kikyo kicked and screamed but she was still sinking like a rock, the pressure around her pushing more and more, doing it's very best to suffocate her. Kikyo let out one more scream before she finally allowed it all to just take her.
But for just a moment, she felt a numbing peace.
Kikyo bolted upright in her bed, startled by that evening's nightmare and accidentally sent herself into another flare.
That was it!
She just couldn't do this anymore!
Kikyo finally did what she had thought of doing that first day. She searched the bed and nightstand for hidden kunai. The eight year old swallowed the lump in her throat when she found what she was looking for between the mattress and bed springs. She quickly checked the clock, it was just past eight. If she was quiet no one would come and check on her till morning and by then… Kikyo shook her head and looked back down at the kunai and wondered what would come after it was over. Would she go to heaven or hell? Was there even an afterlife to go to? Kikyo clenched her teeth, if there really wasn't anything on the other side she was completely okay with that, just as long as she didn't have to deal with any of this anymore.
Kikyo closed her eyes and her grip tightened on the abandoned weapon. Should she leave a note? No, what was the point? She didn't care if they understood why she was doing this, the dead don't have to listen to the ridicules of the living. The eight year old held the blade close to her wrist and felt the cold metal on her skin. She just had to get it deep enough, if she did that it wouldn't be long before she was gone. Her hand trembled a little and she sucked in a breath as she felt the sharp weapon break the skin and cut down into her wrist.
It seemed like it was only an instant later that something grabbed her wrist tightly and jerked, pulling her straight up in the air by the wrist, kunai pointed upward and feet dangling a ways off the floor. Her eyes widened as she looked into the eyes of the person who had grabbed her, the feeling of her warm blood oozing from the cut on her wrist completely escaping her. If she'd had the attention to listen, she might have her the quiet drip as a drop of blood landed on the floor followed a moment later by another.
But all she had attention for at the moment was the person who stopped her. It was Tomoe and she was angry. Now, Kikyo had been pretty sure she'd seen Tomoe angry before – as bitchy and temperamental as she was, she reckoned everyone had – but it looked like she was wrong. She'd never seen Tomoe this angry. Anger was an understatement, fury was too. Rage seemed a bit better.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she snarled.
"I—" This was bad, Tomoe wasn't supposed to see any of this! "Well—" What was she supposed to say? She was done, she'd given up, she felt like she was drowning!
"I, well," she mocked rudely, letting the girl go without any sort of warning. "That's what I thought." She hit the ground hard, pain rattling up to her knees and sending a shockwave of pain through her body. A flare, but not a full one. Thank god.
When she fell on her ass a second later though, a full one decided to rear its fucking head.
"So you're really that big a fucking coward are you?" Tomoe asked, spitting the word 'coward' out as if it were equivalent to trash, using a tone like Kikyo was equivalent to trash.
Kikyo clenched her jaw and looked away. "Mind your own business Tomoe."
"Hate to break it to you kid, but you are my business," she snarked.
"I am not!" Kikyo shot back. "I'm not your daughter, I sure as hell ain't your sister! We're not even that closely related! You don't have to keep coming here so leave me alone!"
Tomoe squatted down so she was at Kikyo's eye level. "Are you really such trash that you've already forgotten, Runt? Tadashi look out for each other. Fuck that other shit, we're both still Tadashi and there ain't that many left to watch our backs. That makes you my business."
Kikyo's lip trembled. "I… I just wanted it all to stop hurting…" She gripped her chest. "It all just hurts. I…" Her shoulders shook. "I want my parents…"
"Oh boo hoo, your life sucks, your parents are dead. Join the fucking club. You know how many orphans there are in the village? And so what if it hurts like hell? You're just going to give the fuck up? Be a cowardly little bitch and hide from your problems instead of facing them?" She sneered. "Maybe I should let you then, rid this world of a pathetic little piece of shit that ain't good for nothing."
The words stung, but Kikyo wasn't sure she had anything to say back to that.
Despite her words, Tomoe snatched the kunai out of Kikyo's hand. "What happened to 'should just let me do it'?" she couldn't help but snark.
"You're a Tadashi," Tomoe informed her, as if she didn't already know. She kind of wanted to roll her eyes at her. "There ain't no way in hell I'm going to let you die like a little bitch using this piece of trash."
She tossed the kunai across the room then, to Kikyo's surprise, reached into the pouch on her hip and withdrew one of her own. It was clean and polished, the light glinted off of it as she twirled it in her fingers then bent, swinging it down so fast and hard that all Kikyo could see was a flash of metal before it was lodged firmly in the ground in front of the girl. It cut through the wood like it was butter.
"If you're gonna die like trash, you might as well honor your family enough to not use a piece of shit to do it." But then her face grew deadly serious and cold and she stared Kikyo right in the eye. "So go on, prove your sister right. You're just a pathetic little piece of shit that isn't even worth getting blood on her shoes much less her hands."
Kikyo didn't expect her to actually let her, but Tomoe really did release the kunai and stand up, turning her back on the kid. She walked to the door without another sound and grabbed the doorknob. The girl hadn't expected that to be so heartbreaking, hadn't known anything else could be. But here was the last person who was really straight with her, that told the truth, and she… even Tomoe didn't think she was worth it…
She pulled the door open but paused and glanced over her shoulder at the girl who still sat, stunned and heartbroken, on the ground. Tomoe didn't look angry anymore, just sad. Really sad. "For the record," she said, as if this might just be the last thing she ever said to Kikyo, and it just might be, "I thought you could make it." And then, just like that, she was gone.
Kikyo sobbed into her good hand. How could Tomoe just go around after encouraging her to do this and then go and say something like that?! Of course she couldn't make it! What kind of idiot makes a gamble like that?! She gazed down and clenched her fist, blood was still dripping from her wrist from her previous attempt. It would be all too easy just to finish it then and there and no one would be the wiser. After all, she was nothing but trash, she was rude, vulgar, and no one really liked her because she was a little bitch. The only reason Hotaru and Naruto came near her was because they had to.
Kikyo picked up the shiny kunai. Even if she didn't do it and just put it away, what would happen to her? She couldn't become a shinobi, not how she was now, and at this point she didn't even really want to stay in the village anymore because it was filled to the brim with memories, memories that she would much rather forget. The girl gazed at the kunai before bringing it close to her wrist. Desperate tears streamed down her face. Did she really want to do this and leave nothing behind? Her hand trembled as she slowly pulled the kunai away from her wrist.
Maybe… maybe she could try to live, just a little bit longer. Maybe she could leave something behind worth remembering before she died. Kikyo stood up and wiped her tears away before she pulled some bandages from the bedside table and wrapped her wrist. The cut wasn't very deep, but it would most likely scar. Kikyo sighed and shook her head before climbing back into the bed, hiding the shiny kunai under her pillows before drifting off to sleep.
Just in case.
Before you hate Tomoe, please read the following excerpt from BeadleJuice's as of yet unpublished story following Tomoe:
Tomoe was a horrible person. She had to be if she could say all of that in such a serious, harsh tone to an eight year old. Oh god, that's right. Kikyo was only eight years old. That's younger than Hayate had been when he'd…
No, she didn't want to make herself feel fucking worse.
So she took a deep, silent breath and turned the knob, opening the door. But she couldn't leave it like this. She was such a pathetic failure… but maybe there was a chance? Even if it was just a little bitty one…
She looked over her shoulder at Kikyo sitting on the floor, gaping at her with a face full of disbelieving heartbreak. That cinched it, Tomoe was the most despicable person that had ever drawn breath. She was the only person left that that little girl felt like she could trust and she'd just basically told her to kill herself! What the hell was the matter with her?! So what if she didn't mean it quite that way, that's still what the kid heard! Of course it was!
So she swallowed the lump in her throat and told the girl what she really and desperately hoped were not the last words she'd ever be able to say to her, "For the record, I thought you could make it."
And then she'd stepped through the door and closed it.
She didn't go far, she never did, but this time… This time she didn't even get a step from the door. She sank silently to the ground and settled her head between her knees. She was a horrible, despicable person. A horrible, despicable failure of a piece of trash. Even at eight, Kikyo was still so much better than she was, how could she not see that? How could she think that she didn't deserve to live when Tomoe did?
Tears stung her eyes.
And now I'm turning into a pathetic little pussy. I'm just an all around failure of a person, aren't I?
She leaned her head back against the door, not bothering to suck the tears in because she just felt like total shit and she knew that no one would be in this hallway for at least another hour. She'd long since memorized the hospital's routines by now. Tears dripped slowly down her cheeks and she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling like she was eight years old herself. Yeah, she hadn't felt this little and pathetic since she was around Kikyo's age, hiding in her room from her father's disappointed anger.
But she didn't want to think about that now. She felt shitty enough, thanks. So she closed her eyes so tight she didn't know if she would ever open them again and listened desperately to what was going on inside the room.
Come on, Kikyo. Don't let me fail at this too. I don't know if I could take that…
She listened desperately, terrified that her harsh words had swayed the girl more than her final statement, more than her feelings, more than her efforts up to this point. For a horrible moment, she thought they had, but then she heard movement inside. She heard Kikyo stand and walk a few steps. She heard rustling fabric and a scritch sound like bandages being torn harshly because one didn't have a pair of scissors on hand (as if that kunai wouldn't have worked well enough, brat!) and then more rustling fabric as Kikyo presumably got in the bed.
Tomoe didn't think she'd ever felt so relieved in her entire life. Her entire body relaxed, some knots in her shoulders undoing themselves. A breath she hadn't know she'd been holding slipped free from her mouth and she let her whole weight lean into the door, the desperate tears turning to relieved ones.
The one thing she hadn't screwed all to hell. Ironically enough, it was a pep talk.
Little harder to hate her now, ain't it?
