Chapter 7 – Banquet


PRESENT – Yuuri


He heard Conrad stir. He had thrown a robe over his disheveled state, waking from a doze to find himself cozy against Conrad's chest and not having any idea what he was supposed to think about it.

"I think these words here are 'blood,'" he said as Conrad came up behind him.

"Is that good?"

"I don't know."

"Yuuri." Conrad knelt beside him. "About what happened."

"Yes."

"You love…" Conrad's face tensed as he considered before continuing, "Conrad. And I don't… even know what you are thinking."

"I do love Conrad. And what a thing to twist your brain in knots over. And it comes back to… Conrad is Conrad. I couldn't get my head around it."

"I understand. I left my Yuuri two days ago, barely older than a child, and come to find you…" He paused, clearly lost for words. "And you… well, look at you."

Startled, Yuuri nearly followed the order of the declaration before the realization of it sank in and heat burned all the way from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

"And the way you look at me with those eyes… I never knew I wanted that so much until I saw it and knew it was for me… mostly for me."

"If this goes the way we don't want, we are all we'll have. You are second class to no one. You would have missed out on ten years of your life."

"And of yours."

"The simple truth is that I do love you… I love you Conrad, and I could never tell my heart not to feel it."

"You mean, even at 16 you…"

Yuuri laughed.

"You had to let me find my place first."

Yuuri started at the knock on the door, and allowed entrance to Murata.

There was a speculative look on Murata's face as he took in their appearance…one that he let drop as he met Yuuri's eyes. He could see the source of the speculation though, in Conrad's rumpled, partially tucked in shirt, and the fact he was sitting in a robe.

"Is everything okay?" he asked Murata.

"Yes. I was just checking in. Is everything okay?" Murata echoed.

"Of course. The banquet prep…"

"There are not," Murata said, interrupting. "Ever two endings to a story."

Yuuri's stomach clenched.

"I'll check in with you later," Murata said, slipping out.

He met Conrad's eyes, before closing his own.

"I loved you for a long time before we were together, you know. I would have moved mountains just to keep you with me. And you might have noticed, but… I don't hide things well. But I tried, I really did."

"Wh…"

He knew he was confusing Conrad with this line of conversation. But somehow, somehow he needed to explain their past in order for Conrad to understand what he was feeling now.

"I was afraid I would be a poor substitute."

"Yuuri…"

"No, let me. Once I knew, I didn't think I could love you… Should? Years…" Yuuri resigned himself, looking up at Conrad's dear, yet different face.

Conrad cupped Yuuri's jaw with his free hand, startling him into silence.

"You don't have to." He stroked Yuuri's cheek with his thumb. "Yuuri, you love who you love."

"If I'm already in a relationship with you… What does that make it for you?"

"A relationship I'm five years too late to begin."

Yuuri stood, dislodging the hand from his face, and watched Conrad straighten as he stepped closer and pulled himself up to his full height.

"And now?"

"It seems not even time could keep me from you."

Time had not kept Conrad from him, but if what had happened was fixed, then it was keeping the wrong one.


He was raw inside, in a place he had told himself he was okay. But it had all been lies. Murata had seen it, though they did not speak of it even when Murata had returned, and though they spent half the morning observing various details for the banquet.

It was a blessing to be able to do something with his hands, even if they had always told him that helping out on his own birthday celebration was wrong to the highest degree. He had fought that battle and won every year. He knew if someone tried to stop him now, his reaction might be… slightly less rational. This he was supposed to be passionate about. This attempt at perfection for his big day. National pride. The love of his subjects and friends. Gifts and food and affirmation. Decorating committees, storage rooms, goblets. He didn't hate his birthday, but he occasionally wondered what all of the fuss was about. It was just his day, not even the day they celebrated for Shin Makoku. He had drawn the line at a parade after his sixteenth birthday. Conrad had helped him then. Baseball games. Lessons in the art of fighting. Every strand of his life was somehow touched by Conrad.

He sought Conrad out almost immediately when they were finished. There were words bottled up inside of him that had to be let out, so many words that he turned over in his head that Conrad had to hear. Something that he had been too afraid to face. Even to speak. Unfortunately, they boiled down the same phrase over and over.

"I don't know if I could be happy with you," he blurted out to the quiet-eyed man. "And I mean you. I just…don't know."

"I know."

Yuuri sighed. "I want him back."

"I know. I've been thinking, too. And you know what else I know?"

"What's that?"

"I want the opportunity to go back, so I can discover all of this for myself. Each smile you tried to hide… each little act of love. I don't know… when all of this is over, when time rights itself, if I'll ever get that chance. I don't know if I'll know that I missed it. But it feels strange to be envious of myself for getting to know all of those things. Not that this means less to me, but I know that it means more to him. And I know that someone who loved you had to break that goblet, but I wish it could have been me. I wish I could have pushed him back here and broken it myself. I wish I could have done that for you. I'm so sorry, Yuuri."

"Me too." Yuuri closed his eyes. There was one other thing he had to do. "About the banquet."

"Yes?"

"You'll sit at my right hand at the birthday banquet, as you were meant to."

Conrad nodded. "All right. You should rest some more. Today is the big day. Happy birthday, Yuuri."


"Your hair's sticking out all over!"

"So is yours!"

Yuuri sputtered as Conrad upended the little bucket of water over his head. He scraped the hair out of his eyes and blinked rapidly, nearly laughing when he saw the triumphal amusement on Conrad's face.

"Now it's my turn."

But he did it slowly, pouring the warm water over Conrad's head, watching as the wet, brown strands flowed with the water over his cheekbones and down his nose. Even his eyelashes were wet, and they gleamed as his eyes opened and the tawny brown eyes considered him.

With a boost of his hands Conrad levered himself up onto the edge of the pool, leaving his towel as a hazy puddle in the water.

He had often considered what they looked like together. He was darker in almost every way, making Conrad seem almost fair beside him. And though he had grown, compact was the word he would have used to describe himself, never reaching Conrad's long, graceful lines… or his long reach.

And they reached for him now. His knees settled on either side of Conrad's hips, hands slipping up the long, slender neck, tracing the lines of his ears in lazy strokes.

"What could you be thinking?" he whispered.

"That I like seeing you above me."

"Ohhh."

He was aching by the time the kiss had broken.

"Yuuri, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course. I love you, too."

Conrad kissed him gently. "I'll miss you."

"No." Yuuri eyes darted up, watching the familiar surroundings of the bath begin to fade. "Conrad, you won't miss me, because you're coming back. Soon!"

"I'm sorry, Yuuri."

Yuuri reached for him, nearly cried out when his hand swept through him as though he weren't there. And he was fading.

"Conrad, no! NO!!"

His scream was cut off as Conrad appeared again, clothed and nonchalant up ahead.

Yuuri ran toward him, mired in dreams.

Which one was it, he wondered. The one from the past, or his?

He saw kind eyes and a gentle smile and he faltered. For a moment… he couldn't tell.

"They could stay in each other's place. They are the same. One Conrad to guide a king is the same as the other. They would become each other. Different than they were before but the same. They have only to want to stay where they are."

"But Conrad would want to come back, wouldn't he?" Yuuri asked, spinning around when Conrad disappeared.

"You have done well with this one. He would return, without regret to meet you again. You have done what was necessary to secure his place beside you – and a little of Conrad's love for you, his want of you, was exchanged when they met. They touched, you know, hands against the pane of time, though they should not have, and they took a piece of each other. Now they share you."

"But Conrad wants to come back, right?" he asked, desperate this time.

"For a place at the king's side, wouldn't he?"

Wouldn't he?


He woke no more rested than he had been before, and dressed still tormented by the nightmares. Yuuri leaned heavily against the door jamb outside of the hall where his birthday banquet had been laid out, his chest tight and his heart in his throat. He couldn't panic, not now. He had always had someone to turn to. Murata could give him advice. Yozak could assure him. Conrad would… Conrad would… He stared at his hand. His dream had been desperately wrong. The two Conrads could not stay as they were. It was not the same. Just as he could no longer go back to being sixteen. If it went on as it was now, it could end only badly. He was already withdrawing from this Conrad, and they both knew it.

When he walked through this door, Conrad would be standing, waiting for him. Just as he had been for the past ten years. Except this time it would be different. And that was the reality he was reluctant to face. This was a milestone, an event, and it would only emphasize what was horribly wrong and disfigured in his life, inside of him. Every day had only served to twist it further. He had tried, how he had tried, to fix it. But there was only one fix, and that man was still missing somewhere in his past.

He pressed his own palm to his own heart, since he could not press Conrad's there, and whispered, "I love you, Conrad."

As he entered the hall, he saw reassurance from his friends. It was one night, one dinner. But Conrad's eyes reflected some of the misery that had begun to weigh him down.

Yuuri raised his hand for the toast, watched Conrad raise the newly-repaired, cursed, goblet. He extended his hand, waiting for the meeting of the cups, for the clear ring of the sound that meant their fates had met. He felt somehow that they had come full circle. And his world was torn in two.


Just uploaded: Dress Up - Yozak/Murata. A couple of short ficlets that can stand alone or as a side to "Time Imperfect."