Proof of Life
Hotch and JJ
Part Three
April 2011
Hotch stiffened when he saw JJ come into the bar. The BAU had a Saturday night off and they had met up to share some bonding time. They were all dressed casually, for once, and JJ was the same. She had on jeans, a silk blouse and a leather jacket.
He felt a rush of awareness shoot through him at seeing her approach. Shivers chased down his spine. And normally Hotch never felt shivers.
Reid followed Hotch's eyes and spotted JJ. "Hey!" he cried, loudly and happily.
"Jayje!" Garcia squealed, as if she hadn't seen her in months when Hotch was pretty sure they still saw each other regularly, but probably not as much as Garcia would like.
Derek was all smiles and so was Rossi. Emily was at the bar, getting a round, but when she came back her face lit up too. They had all missed their girl.
"Garcia invited me," JJ said "Hope that's okay." Her eyes met Hotch's.
Derek cried "Of course its more than okay. You're one of us. Always have been and always will be."
She smiled slightly. "Thanks. So tell me what was the most gruesome case since I left?"
They all groaned. Everyone had a different horror story to share. They night went on with Penelope and Derek flirting relentlessly, Reid winning every round of trivia that the bar had going on, JJ beating Rossi at darts, Prentiss hiding when Mick Rawson showed up (after a year he still didn't get that she wasn't interested and never would be) and so forth. A normal night for them.
All except the tension between Hotch and JJ. He could barely keep his eyes off her all night. He reveled in the feeling of having her near. He smiled more than usual. He knew she was mad at him but seeing her made him happy anyway. He had done the right thing, he was sure, when he had ended their weekly lunch dates. It was the best thing for her and her family. Not the best thing for him or his heart.
He didn't like the idea that the only time he would see her is at events like this but he would have to settle for this because it had caused her problems for them to be closer. And the last thing Hotch wanted was to make JJ's life worse for having known him.
At the end of the evening Reid asked JJ "Do you need a ride? Its on my way."
"I've been drinking Sprite all night. I'm fine. But thanks, Spence."
Hotch asked JJ "You're on his way?" with a raised eyebrow.
"I moved...into my own place...an apartment on Baxter Street."
He stilled. There was an uncomfortable silence. Garcia started to prattle on about the cute decorating the girls had done in the apartment.
They all headed outside and got in their vehicles. Reid was giving Derek and Penelope a ride. Rossi and Prentiss split a cab. Hotch asked JJ to give him a ride. She was surprised but said "Sure."
Once they were in her car she went to start it but he put his hand over hers. "You could have called me to tell me you left him. I would have been glad to listen if you needed to vent or just figure things out."
"Look, Hotch, I won't lie. You are a catalyst for me making changes in my life but all you did was make me admit the problems and distance that lay between me and Will. I didn't leave him to be with you so don't stress out about it or martyr yourself out of guilt. Yeah, it would have been easy to stay with him but not the right thing to do."
"How are you doing?"
"Surviving. Its Henry I worry about most but whether I leave Will now or in years it will be hard on my son. And, feeling the way I did, I knew that one day I would be leaving Will. It just got to the point where push came to shove."
"Perhaps the stress of your job made things seem more untenable than they really are."
"Maybe. I don't know. It's a mess. We're in therapy. I don't think its working. Therapy can't make my feelings of being unsure about him that I've had since day one change. He's not a bad guy and that makes this even harder. I want to just feel satisfied with him but I never have...our having lunches together just made me ask myself why I can talk to you more honestly than my own boyfriend and why I look forward to seeing you more than I ever once have looked forward to seeing him, even when we first met and even on the day I had Henry. I do love Will...but do I love him in that way? I don't know."
"I'm sorry, JJ."
"I'll figure this out." She gave him a soft look. "Don't be a stranger, okay? I need my friend."
"Okay." His eyes grew tender. "You should always know that no matter if we see each other or not, you do remain in my thoughts each day. I do care."
She flushed. "I should get you home."
"I could get a cab. I just wanted to have a word with you."
"Nonsense, Hotch. I'll take you home." She started the car. They drove to his place, not talking but listening to the radio all the way.
He hated to see the night end but eventually she pulled in front of his home. "Thank you for the ride. I appreciate it."
"No problem. I enjoyed getting a few minutes alone with you."
He stared into her eyes. Raising his hand he ran his knuckles over her cheek. "Jennifer."
"I should go."
Hotch moved back. "Of course." He opened the car door and then looked at her. "Feel free to call me if you should ever need or want to talk."
"I wouldn't want to bug you."
"You wouldn't be." With that said he turned and walked away. She just wasn't ready for more yet and he knew that.
What he didn't know is if she ever would be.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
June 2011
JJ couldn't believe what Garcia had just told her. Hotch had a date! The BAU was going crazy with gossip over it. They only found out because Reid happened to see Hotch out with the woman.
Garcia said that when Hotch walked into work the next day they had all been talking about him and his date in the roundtable room, trying to get information out of Reid. Hotch had cleared his throat and said "She works at the salon where Jack gets his hair cut. It was one date. Now lets get down to work."
Only one date but that didn't mean there wouldn't be more.
Lately JJ was feeling stronger. Her and Will had ended counseling and were now broken up for good. Though they were both devastated at how things had worked out (and crying jags for her were nothing unusual lately) they both had to admit that it was time to let each other go.
The split was sad but amicable. She felt guilt when he begged for a second chance and relief when he finally came to the conclusion that no second chance would be enough for them. He hadn't done anything wrong to make her leave him. He just had never been a man who made her want to race home to him. She always had one foot out the door the whole relationship. He always wanted more from her but was happy to know she had chosen him. Once he saw she would be miserable if she moved back in with him he let her go with as much grace as he could manage.
JJ worried constantly if she was making a mistake but she couldn't go back to Will now. She finally felt like she could breathe easy again on rare moments when she was in her own apartment and had Henry for the night. She felt like she didn't have to pretend to be someone she wasn't anymore.
And that had to be a good sign that she made the right choice. Hotch dating someone new was shocking but it wasn't enough of a reason for JJ to race to the BAU and stake a claim on him. She still needed time to grieve the loss of her relationship and make herself strong again.
It did worry her though, to hear of the date, because now she knew that when she was ready to date again Hotch just may not be there waiting for her.
