A/N: This is a really random chapter (well, more random than usual) and doesn't have much to do with the "plot" (for lack of a better word). I just wanted to bring some good stupid moments into this fic. Besides, I think it's a valid point. Also, I loved the script format too much, so I did it again. Thanks for all the reviewing; I was shocked to get 24 reviews in two days, but it was a wonderful kind of shock. Shock me again! Note: I'm not in this chapter, exactly, but I'm mentioned in the beginning. The title comes from Carrie Underwood's song "Last Name".

(Scene opens in Arthur's bedroom. Arthur's not doing much, as per usual, but Merlin is walking around the room nervously, as though something extremely serious is preying on his mind.)

Merlin: Harrumph.

(Arthur starts to look up and stops himself.)

Merlin: Harrumph harrumph.

(This time Arthur, not wanting to ask, ignores him.)

Merlin: I said, harrumph.

(Arthur sighs and continues to flip through a copy of The Camelotian. There is a picture on the front, a silhouette of a girl covered by a question mark. It reads: WHO IS THE MYSTERY WRITER?)

Merlin: (softly, to himself) For goodness sake. (loudly) HARRUMPH!

(Arthur decides he can't ignore this any more and looks up, as though he had just noticed Merlin's harrumphs.)

Arthur: Something wrong, Merlin?

Merlin: Yes, there most certainly is.

Arthur: If it's the mystery girl again, I don't want to hear about it. Honestly, she isn't the best you can do. (A/N: I beg your pardon? What do you mean by that?)

Merlin: What do you mean by that?

Arthur: She's not the hottest fish in the bowl. Not the most scrumptious cookie in the jar. (A/N: And this is the part where Kitty O stops writing this chapter and goes to write out Arthur's most gruesome death scene. Look for it soon, readers.)

Merlin: You don't even know her!

Arthur: I saw her the night when she tried to kill Morgana. Like I said, not the most—

Merlin: (suddenly) Arthur, if you don't shut up, she'll make me challenge you to a duel again. Besides, it isn't her looks I like. There's something else, something deeper…

Arthur: (confused) Deeper? Such as?

Merlin: Such as the fact that she's writing the story and gets to decide how I feel about her. So if she says I'm madly in love (shrugs) then get out my lyre.

Arthur: Wait. You have a lyre?

Merlin: (snorts) No, I wish. But that isn't what I'm harrumphing about. This chapter isn't about Kitty O.

Arthur: Well, then. What are you harrumphing about?

Merlin: It just hit me, so I was thinking about it.

Arthur: What is it?

Merlin: You know, it makes me mad. Truly. It's just not fair.

Arthur: (eagerly) What?

Merlin: It borders on inhuman, actually. It is just simply infuriating!

Arthur: What is?

Merlin: I mean, how would you feel in my position, if you had to deal with this—?

Arthur: MERLIN! Shut. Up. And tell me the problem.

Merlin: How can I shut up AND tell you the problem?

Arthur: Well… I mean… shut up about complaining… and talk about the problem you have.

Merlin: Talking about the problem is complaining.

Arthur: Do I need to throw something at you? Because I will. With pleasure.

Merlin: Nah, I'm just stalling for the sake of having a longer script. I'm also kinda hoping to drag a few more smiles out of the readers. Anyway, my problem is my name.

Arthur: (pauses) Your name? You don't like the name 'Merlin'?

Merlin: Nah, that's fine. As a matter of fact, Merlin is an incredible name. How would the Americans put it? Beast.

Arthur: The who?

Merlin: Americans. They haven't been invented yet. (A/N: OMG! I'm not invented yet? Do you know what this means? Who's gonna have my rare collection of marbles? Who will there be to eat cheeseburgers? GAH!)

Arthur: Well what's the problem then?

Merlin: It's the other part of my name.

Arthur: Merlin… there is no other part of your name.

Merlin: (excitedly) EXACTLY! You're Arthur Pendragon, there's Uther Pendragon, and Morgana le Faye… even Gwen will someday be Guinevere Pendragon. Then there's Merlin. I deserve a last name too, I think!

Arthur: But… Merlin, come on… You're a legend. Why does a legend need a last name?

Merlin: (shakily) You don't know what its like to be denied a surname, Arthur! You just don't know! You don't understand! (Unexpectedly burst into tears and hides his face in his hands, looking very pathetic and moving.)

Arthur: Wow. If you feel that way about it, I'm sure we can think up a last name for you, Merlin!

Merlin: (looks up) We can? Is that legal?

Arthur: Is magic legal? Yet you use it.

Merlin: That's a very good point. But you aren't supposed to know that.

Arthur: Why not?

Merlin: I think it's the dramatic irony… In other words, the viewers know I have magic, but you don't. You can't learn, either, not yet.

Arthur: But they must think I'm a real idiot. How long must we keep this charade up?

Merlin: Think of it this way. The longer you are kept in the dark, the longer the show continues. The longer the show continues, the longer you get paid.

Arthur: (after a pause) I say we turn off all the lights, then. But seriously, I thought you already told me about your powers.

Merlin: We erased your memory, remember?

Arthur: Of course I don't remember… duh. It's erased. But I digress. What last name do you like?

Merlin: (brightly) Pendragon!

Arthur: No, Merlin. That's mine.

Merlin: I want it.

Arthur: You can't have it.

Merlin: But it's such a fun word to say… Besides, it has 'dragon' in it. And I'm a dragonlord! Get it?

Arthur: You cannot have my last name, Merlin. That would be strange. You're giving the slashers ideas!

Merlin: Ooh... right... not Pendragon.

Arthur: How about whatever Gaius's last name is?

Merlin: They don't give him a name. In the show, writers try to avoid last names. Luckily, those of us who are in the actual legend already have last names… except in my case.

Arthur: How about… Johnson.

Merlin: Dad's name was Balinor, not John.

Arthur: Smith?

Merlin: (sings) Boor-ring! (speaks) How about… Merlin the Coolest? (puts his hand in a gun shape and pretends to blow the 'smoke' lightly away from the 'top of the gun')

Arthur: Merlin, we're not in the 21st century. The word cool is not used the same way. Do you want to sound like a block of ice?

Merlin: Heavens no. Who do you think I am? Edward Cullen? How about Merlin the Awesome?

Arthur: I don't think we use 'awesome' that way either. Awesome doesn't mean… er, cool… it means, godlike.

Merlin: I'm not godlike?

Arthur: (snorts) Don't make me laugh!

Merlin: Okay… You think of one, if all you're gonna do is shoot down my ideas.

Arthur: Merlin Emyrs.

Merlin: Aw, no. That's cheating. It's already my name… but… not. Wait. That's actually kind of… kind of… what's the word?

Arthur: Cool.

Merlin: Yeah. Cool. Groovy. Awesome. Beast-like. Hip. Marvelous. Fantastic. Splendiferous.

Arthur: Splendiferous?

Merlin: Yeah, it's Kitty O's favorite word.

Arthur: Well that's good then. I guess we're done here.

Merlin: (after a second) Yeah…

(Arthur returns to reading, and Merlin stares at him. They stand here for a very awkward moment, in which all background music should be turned off in order to complement the awkwardness. Arthur pretends not to notice Merlin's stare, but he keeps shifting. Like a hawk, Merlin remains perfectly still. Eventually Arthur looks up at him, annoyed.)

Arthur: What?

Merlin: Nothing… I'm waiting for the one-shot to end.

Arthur: It isn't over?

Merlin: Nope. People are still reading this.

Arthur: (nervously) Is it my line?

Merlin: No… but it isn't mine. We're no longer being fed dialogue. Maybe Kitty O left Word open or something.

Arthur: That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day.

Merlin: Really? Because not ten minutes ago I told you I was in love with a girl because of her literary powers.

Arthur: (pauses and thinks about it) Okay, that's the second dumbest thing I've heard all day, then. What should we do until she ends the story?

Merlin: Did you know that unless you're double-jointed, you can't lick your elbow? It's not possible!

Arthur: Really? (He stands and drops The Camelotian, trying fruitlessly to pull his elbow up to his mouth. We spend the next few minutes in helpless laughter, tears running down our cheeks, as Arthur dances in a silly circle and attempts to lick his elbow.) You're right!

Merlin: (smothers his laughter) Yeah. Also, try to say 'Irish wristwatch' fast.

Arthur: Okay… Irish wriswatsh… Irich wrichwatch… Iriss wrisswatss…. Wow that's hard! Irish wristwatch! Got it! (smug) How long did that take you to master?

Merlin: About a half second. I'm Irish, remember?

Arthur: No, you aren't.

Merlin: I'm not? Oh, yeah, I forgot I was Merlin at the moment… Well, we need something else to talk about now…

Arthur: I've got nothing.

Merlin: OOH! Did you know that I kissed Gwen long before you took notice of her?

Arthur: (deadly silent and then…) What?

Merlin: It's true. She kissed me after I woke up from the poison. Remember?

Arthur: (flushing) I knew I shouldn't have gotten that antidote.

(He stands up and slowly inches his way toward Merlin, while Merlin, oblivious to peril, talks on.)

Merlin: (ad lib) Yeah, I never mentioned it to you earlier, but it was way back in the first season… Of course, she wouldn't have been interested in me but for the fact that you put me in the stocks when I stood up to you… So really it's all thanks to you. (Suddenly he catches sight of Arthur.) Oh, dear! Wait, Arthur, it didn't last very long! I mean, uh… nothing really happened and…

(Arthur continues to come forward.)

Merlin: Kitty O! Kitty! Kit! **********! Help! Help! Mayday! End the one-shot NOW, Kitty, end it NOW… as in RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT! HEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPP!

End… of this chapter.

A/N: Okay, admit it if you A) tried to lick your elbow B) said "Irish wristwatch" or C) both. Also, I must credit Arthur's "she's not the most…" jokes to my two good friends who have the strangest conversations. I hope it dragged a few smiles from you.