A/N: Extra long chapter ahead! XD Thanks for the gym idea!
Morning came too soon.
Much too soon.
One moment the silence had noisily been droning on in his ears, the next he had been dreaming about a pole dancing dolphin under water. Strange. Very, very strange. Although even weirder had been that he was pole dancing too…he must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed (again), because he was already hissing, "Darn you, puberty!"
Butler came in. "Artemis, time to – oh." Once again, he had been too late; Artemis was slipping on the khaki pants and blue polo shirt, shaking his head to knock the disturbing dream out of his mind.
But once he had slipped the shirt on himself, he felt strangely exposed...
He glanced down.
And almost had a heart attack, although his hyperglycaemia was thankfully gone.
His shirt was about six inches too short and painfully tight.
So what did the great Artemis Fowl the Second do? Shriek girlishly, of course.
"EEEEEEKKKKK!!!" he cried. Butler winced, clapping his hands over his ears. He would have laughed if the shriek hadn't been so piercing. A few seconds later dogs were barking in reply to the ultra-high sound, to take the place of crickets chirping.
Artemis was trying to tug his shirt down. He glanced up at Butler, eyes full of panic and fear. "What is wrong with these shirts, Butler? I – I – they were fine before, when Mother got them and came home with them and – and – and then I think she, oh, what did she do, she put them in the wash except for…" Realization struck him. "Except for the pair I wore yesterday…" he whispered.
Butler was confused. "What?"
Artemis's voice rose. "The wash, Butler! It hates me! It wants to kill me and embarrass me! GO SHOOT IT!"
Butler rolled his eyes and went to a cabinet in the boy's room, where he found a small capsule full of white pills. "Here you go, Artemis. Caaaaaaaalm down…breeeeathe…it's going to be okay…"
Artemis swallowed loudly while trying to find his inner place of peace. Alliteration usually calmed him down, you see. Purple ponies prance playfully…purple ponies prance playfully…purple ponies never panic…But 'never' was not alliteration with his 'p' theme, and so immediately Artemis collapsed onto the floor and began rocking back and forth.
His shirt was too small. It was constricting him, cutting off his circulation. His dream was coming true, oh Ghandi, he was destined to become a deep-sea pole dancer…
Suddenly a dark shadow engulfed him and two strong hands hauled him up. "Artemis!" barked Butler. "Get yourself together! I will be right back, okay?" Artemis nodded. But as soon as Butler left, Artemis fell onto the floor and started rocking again. Flaming firemen frisk ferociously, flaming firemen frisk ferociously close to circulation-cutting clothing…Ghandi's knuckles, this was not working.
He took a few deep breaths. Now, focus, he chided himself. Why is this so horrible, that your shirt is too small?
One: It could be a sign from the heavens that I'm meant to become a pole dancer.
Two: The kids at school will laugh at me.
Three: I'll get demerits or detention from the teachers.
Four: A dolphin –
"Artemis!" thundered Butler. "On your feet!"
It was times like these when Artemis remembered Butler's long weapons/martials art track record. Needless to say, Artemis got on his feet. Good Ghandi, he felt like he was choking again.
How do girls stand to wear shirts like this? he wondered.
Uh-oh. Butler had a bucket with him. A biiiiiig bucket of water. Lots and lots of water.
"Now, the situation here is quite clear: either you wear a jacket over that or you wear the clothes you wore yesterday."
Artemis's eyes widened. Butler gave him a warning look.
"Or you can wear a suit."
Artemis calmed down. He couldn't get detention for wearing a suit! He had logic on his side. Besides, those teachers were foolish anyway. Artemis Fowl would show them.
"So. Is the situation clear?" Butler asked threateningly.
Artemis's thin smile flickered. "Yes…" he said faintly. Safe from the bucket of water! "But Butler…" Butler paused as he left the room. "I won't end up a pole dancer, will I?" he moaned. He needed sympathy here, and if anyone was going to give him sympathy, it would be –
A bucket of freezing water splashed him full in the face, hitting him as hard as a slap. Eyes closed while mouthing like a brainless fish, Artemis stood there in shock. Butler allowed himself a small smile. "You won't if you hurry up to get to school on time," he said, not able to keep the amusement out of his voice.
Wiping the water from his face with a hand, Artemis sputtered, finally spitting out water that had been in his mouth. His "uniform" was soaked and his hair was dripping all over the floor. But as he fetched a towel and began to dry himself off, he considered which suit he should wear. Black or navy blue, black or navy blue?
This is a simple decision, he thought. Which one would –
Unbidden, his dream from last night popped back up in his head.
Which one would the underwater pole-dancing dolphin wear?
At first his features scrunched up in disgust, but then he reconsidered. Of course – navy blue! Satisfied, he began to pull his suit out from the closet. The thought of his teachers' expressions made him chuckle quietly; the sweet taste of inconformity lay on his tongue like brown sugar.
As school started at eight o'clock, Angeline was still asleep. She normally slept in until eleven o'clock, by which point Artemis would be well into his school day. Needless to say, she was not eating breakfast with Artemis. His father was also sleeping, so Artemis was eating alone with Juliet while Butler woke the chauffeur up.
The man would probably sleep with an alarm clock after today, Artemis thought mercilessly.
Juliet glared at him as he munched softly on his buttered toast. "What?" the boy asked her, annoyed.
Juliet shook her head but still said nothing, just continued eating her Lucky Charms.
Artemis sighed. "Juliet, your presence is not welcome if you continue to emit such…distasteful…vibes."
Juliet shook her head again. "Distasteful vibes?" she hissed. "I'm only going to say this to you once: watch your back. Because when Butler's not around…" She coughed as Butler walked in the room.
Artemis shivered. It was not the tepid room temperature.
"Time to go, Artemis," Butler said, grabbing the boy's backpack and heading out again to the car.
Artemis nodded to his bodyguard and then turned back to Juliet once Butler had left. "I'm sorry if I injured your pride by regurgitating on you, but I assure you that it was an accident. I need full cooperation from everybody who will be present at Butler's surprise party, and seeing as how you are a guest that includes you," he said primly, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.
Juliet, sensing a genuine apology underneath his voice, nodded reluctantly. "Fine."
"Truce, then," Artemis said as he stood up. It was not a question
"Truce," Juliet allowed, mouth pursed. Artemis nodded to her and then left.
Juliet glared at his half eaten toast on the plate across from her that she was now supposed to put away. "Little know-it-all, conservative brat."
Butler looked at his charge. "Do you think you'll get in trouble?"
Artemis was now composed, disgusted with his previous antics. "Butler, perhaps you recall my exclamations prior to starting school about how my suits are more conservative than the uniforms themselves? Well, that is what will hit the teachers if they try to stop me."
Butler chuckled. "Stop you? They'll hardly make you take it off, Artemis."
Artemis sighed. "These people are unpredictably stupid, Butler. Who knows what goes through their minds…"
As he had woken up slightly late and had been…preoccupied…longer than normal with what to wear, he arrived just in time for role call.
"McCarthy, Helen…"
"Here."
"Muller, Chloe…"
"Puh-rehs-ehnt…" Chloe said, sticking her hand up in the air with her wrist dropped. She giggled to the other girls.
The teacher glanced up at her for a second but then marked her off.
Artemis listened from outside the room. He had, to his surprise, butterflies in his stomach. Oh, grow up! he told himself with a sneer, and then opened the door.
Everyone's eyes were on him, and he stared back coolly. Chloe, Ali, and other popular girls were instantly bunched together, whispering while smiling and giggling, no doubt about his attire. The teacher raised his eyebrows.
"Fowl, Artemis the Second?" the teacher asked disdainfully.
"McClafferty, Blake?" Artemis shot back.
They stared at each other for a few seconds.
"Why aren't you in proper uniform, young man?" the normally nice young teacher asked. (But after being embarrassed yesterday by this kid, he wasn't sure how much more he was going to take from him…)
"An…unfortunate…turn of events required that I wear either this or a shrunken uniform," Artemis sarcastically informed him.
Gleefully, Mr. McClafferty said, "Ahhhh, but I think you could have dealt with a bit of…well, tightness. Boys these days are known to wear things too loose."
"Not if you wanted to see this much skin," Artemis sneered, motioning with his hand to where the shirt had come down to on his skin.
The class laughed approvingly. Obviously they were with anyone revolting against the school system.
"I don't like boys who exaggerate, you know," the teacher lied. Hypocrite.
"It's a good thing that I don't exaggerate, then, isn't it?" Artemis said primly and sat down.
Mr. McClafferty was not finished with him though. "Perhaps, but what I'm wondering is how you managed to just have a suit in your closet," he said, narrowing his eyes. He came over and planted his hands on the side of his desk.
"Oh, I always wear Armani suits," Artemis explained, face clear of any emotion except innocence. "It was between this navy blue or black, but I felt that this one…conforms to my skin better. After all, I don't like to wear apparel too loose," he said, mocking the teacher subtly.
The teacher stared at him, judging. "Detention, Mr. Fou-uhl," he said, pronouncing the vowels more than normal.
For a second Artemis almost rose angrily but forced himself to calm down. "May I inquire as to why?"
The teacher meandered back to his desk. "No."
Artemis chuckled with deadly calm and quiet. "I hadn't thought I'd enrolled in a Communist school…"
The other kids were dead quiet, their sea of eyes tennis balls in an intense rally.
The teacher glared at him. "For speaking back to a teacher like you have been and are now. That's why."
Artemis looked the man in the eyes, and for a second saw a flicker of fear. This man is nothing, he thought. I will crush him. Mentally, he shook his head. He'd been watching too many robot movies..."Then you won't mind me showing the President this conversation on a tape recorder, I trust?"
Mr. McClafferty looked down at the ground to his left side. "Why don't you go and show him now?" he said quietly, not believing the boy had recorded it. He looked back up at his troublesome student.
Artemis rose, backpack and all. Everyone watched him leave, although he paused once he was in the doorway and looked back. "My clothing is more conservative than yours," he said, allowing amusement to fill his voice. Then he left before any reply could be made, probably about the man's slacks and aloha shirt.
Walking away, he heard the stomping of feet and clapping of hands. Hero, he remarked, declining his head slightly in a smug gesture, and continued on his way with a smirk.
The President was not a complete idiot. He knew that this boy, Artemis Fowl the Second, was very intelligent and very rich. Rich people usually find a way to get what they want, but intelligence makes it almost impossible for them not to. So when Artemis wandered into the office, all business in his suit, he thought that there was some business proposition, but certainly not trouble with the teacher.
Of course, Artemis had been recording the class, just in case the teacher had decided to put up a fight. Always have a back up plan he told himself, and this was it.
Knock knock.
"Come in," the President called.
Artemis came in. Enter various thoughts flashing through the President's mind.
"Hello Artemis, how are you?" A white, perfect grin flashed on the man's face. Artemis was annoyed.
"I'm fine, besides being sent here," he remarked, looking around the room without interest. Lack of style; drab.
The President nodded. "Ahhhh, and would this have anything to do with your clothing?"
"Yes," he said curtly, and took a seat in the stiff wooden one. Horrid desk, not even a replica or antique…hideous chair; big isn't always better…
"Well, I'll get straight to the point then." He smiled. "Why aren't you in uniform?"
Artemis sighed. "As I explained to the teacher, mine shrunk in the wash." A thought struck him: Juliet. "Up to here," he added, motioning again to where the shirt had come down too.
The President chuckled. "We can't have you wearing that, now can we!"
Artemis said nothing.
"Well, is that all the matter then?"
Artemis nodded and rose. The President opened his mouth to tell him to sit, that he wasn't finished with him because he still had to lecture him on the importance of uniforms, but then closed it. This was a Fowl, remember.
By the time he had shut his mouth the door was closed.
One word: gym.
Artemis knew that he had promised to order a gym for his home at some point in a (pathetic) attempt to utilize his muscles. Well, things had distracted him and sooner or later he just…forgot.
Conveniently, though.
So to have to run a mile on the second day of school was not improving his sour mood. Ask him to decode the crown jewel's top-security vault in England, he could do it. Ask him to do five pull-ups…out of the question. No questions asked.
The teacher would have to be dealt with. He had a grudge against Artemis ever since laying eyes on him.
(Flashback to the beginning of gym, last class of the day)
"Into the gym, everyone! Come on, pick up those feet! No shuffling in my class!" barked the short, pudgy man who was shepherding everyone into the gym. After changing in the locker rooms, Artemis and the rest of his class were dressed in shorts (jocks wearing extremely long pairs) and loose tanktops – blue and blue. Horrible style, Artemis thought with disgust. Giorgio Armani would never have stood for it.
But soon they were all sitting down in a cluster as the teacher, Mr. Bruce (they didn't need to know his last name, apparently, because boys these days were known to pull off punk pranks to teacher's homes), talked about his star career in the "olden days".
Just when the boys were starting to doze off comfortably, Mr. Bruce shouted, "UP! UP, I said! We'll be running a mile and then having a short assessment period. Check in with me on the way out." The boys groaned but seemed to have expected it. Artemis, however, was fuming. How had he let his parents talk him into this???
"Michaels, Bruce…nice name, he he. You'll be trying out for the team, I expect?" Mr. Bruce actually liked this kid. Probably a star jock, Artemis assumed.
They all stepped up in line as one by one they were checked off on Mr. Bruce's clipboard.
"Fowl, Artemis…oh, so you're that fancy-pants new rich kid, huh?" The short man leaned in, baring yellow teeth. His breath was as lethal as Butler's karate or Juliet's spicy curry. Artemis didn't reply. "Quiet, then. Well, just know that I'll be watching you, boy." With two fingers he pointed to his eyes and then Artemis's.
Artemis scoffed, hastily disguising it as a cough. "You can run extra if you like!" the teacher shouted after him. But Artemis was hastily running up the ramp outside the gym up into the sunshine of the track.
Once they were all gathered up there, stretching and jogging in place (except for Artemis, who was standing with arms folded), Mr. Bruce, who was panting from walking up the ramp, took out his stop watch and whistle. "You will begin in five…four…" The boys, startled, quickly gathered up by the black line. "Three…two…GO!"
In a hustle of moving bodies, they lurched forward like a school of fish. Artemis, estimating the size of the oval track, determined that four laps was a mile. Well, he could do that easily. Four laps…four laps…
The sun was blazing hot. Sweat drops rolled down the back of his neck as the red paving of the track swam in front of his eyes. His breath was ragged, coming out in quick panting. Mind blank, he focused on keeping one foot in front of the other. Again. And again. And again. Time had slowed to a crawling pace, inching forward as if the LEP had frozen it.
He was acutely aware of the other boys passing him. Even Nerd King passed him after a while, smirking at Artemis. His tongue was too thick to think of a smart reply and his legs wouldn't move any quicker.
After another turn he found Mr. Bruce yards ahead of him, scowling. The man's face screwed up and he screamed, "COME ON, FOWL! THEY'RE LAPPING YOU OUT THERE! MOVE THAT STUPID BEHIND OF YOURS AND YOU MOVE IT NOW!!!"
Artemis was having serious second thoughts about the simplicity of running a mile. First lap down…
And so finally, after twelve minutes and forty-six of pure torture, he completed a mile.
He could picture Juliet taunting him at home if she discovered his time. Awww, poor Arty! Why don't you join Runner's Anonymous? 'Hello, my name is Artemis and I can't run a mile under ten minutes!!' Cue cackling.
Artemis groaned. She would not find out.
Bruce, the jock, came up to him. "Budd-y. What was that? Twelve minutes?" He laughed jokingly.
Artemis swept his hair from his eyes. "I…haven't run in a while," he muttered, blushing. Fortunately it blended right in with his furiously pink cheeks.
The other boy mmhmmmed understandingly. "Yeah, I mean, it's not like anyone runs during summer, haha. Only weights for me, man!" He flexed his huge triceps.
Artemis thought he was going to faint when he heard that even though there wouldn't be time to complete the fitness assessment, he would have to do push-ups. As if the stench wasn't enough of deoderant and sweat wasn't enough! He would have punched Mr. Lipton if he had been there…if he had the strength.
Mr. Bruce ordered them down onto the grass beside the track. They all dropped down. "Begin on my mark…now!" He tweeted the whistle. The annoyingly shrill shriek resonated in Artemis's ears. Artemis watched the other boys in amazement as they rapidly went up and down, up and down.
Mr. Bruce nodded in pleasure at the jocks, then spotted him sitting there on the grass. Again, his face twisted. "FOWL! Why aren't you on the ground?!" he demanded.
The answer was simple: Artemis didn't know what a push up was.
But he was certainly not stupid enough to tell the man that. Flipping himself over, he tried to imitate the other boys' form. Instantly his muscles screamed, crying out for salvation. Gritting his teeth and closing his eyes, Artemis completed four under his teacher's stern, watchful eye.
Turning back to the class, he dismissed them. But he had a few words to say to Artemis, who was slowly picking himself up off the grass.
Artemis watched the other's leave behind Mr. Bruce's back, laughing and joking.
Free.
"Fowl, I get a few…runts…each year. But never – NEVER – have I had one as pathetic as you." He shook his head. "Twelve minute and forty-six second mile? You've set a record. Four horribly executed push ups? DISGRACEFUL, I say!" He studied Artemis, who had set himself in stone. He leaned in for the second time that day. "Would you like me to inform your parents of this, Fowl?"
Artemis, breathing through his mouth shallowly in a futile attempt to avoid the man's stench, shook his head.
"Very well. I want to see a drastic improvement, Fowl," he spat out, "before next class. Am I understood?"
Artemis nodded. He wouldn't be there next class, that he was sure of.
And with that, he was done. Vanishing. He walked as briskly as he could down to change; hardly any boys were still in the locker rooms. Except Nerd King, who couldn't resist but poke at him on his way out.
A sneering face appeared to the side of his locker. "Yes?" Artemis asked icily.
"Soooo, special words with Mr. Bruce-ster, hmm?" He chuckled wickedly. "Girls run faster than you, Fowl."
Artemis glared at his receding back, a cold fury possessing his body. Once again, he was determined; with that, he made up his mind to run. He would beat that ignoramus. He would, as his name was Artemis Fowl the Second. But he would need a trainer...he sighed. Hiring one would be so simple, but then Juliet would inquire and nose around, leading to her eventual knowledge of his lack of athletic skills. Well, he'd just have to ask around then...
Sxyponyprincezz: run? U wanna run? Ewwwww haha sweat. XO
Artyboy369: Never mind.
Brucesterhotty: duuuuude id train u but im 2 busy for the team, gotta be 1st string hahaha
Artyboy369: Right. The team.
takemyheartdontbreakitpleaseloveme: ARTYYYYY!!!! OMGGGZZZ HIIII!!!! XD XD XD
Artyboy369: bye.
Veritaserumlatte: hey artemis!
Artyboy369: Em?
Veritaserumlatte: yeah, hey
Artyboy369: do you run?
Veritaserumlatte: yeah, I love it :D
Artyboy369: will you…
Artemis paused before typing more. He took a deep breath, the anguish of the mile fading into the back of his mind. Just ask.
Artyboy369: will you train me?
Veritaserumlatte: train you to run?
Artyboy369: yes.
Veritaserumlatte: im not that good…sry.
Artyboy369: oh. ok. thanks anyway.
Veritaserumlatte: hey, wait, ask tibby.
Artyboy369: ckontowderdon32?
Veritaserumlatte: yeah, shes really fast.
Veritaserumlatte: she came in second for our grade last year at cross country
Artyboy369: thanks...
Excited and nervous with his lead, Artemis waited patiently for Tibby to come online. She came on a bit…strong…but she was interesting and if she was fast, she could train him to beat the pants off Nerd King. He could explain his motivation to her also, as she knew Nerd King and would surely understand his plight.
Ckontowderdon32: Artyyyy!
Finally.
Artyboy369: hello. I need a favor.
Ckontowderdon32: what is it?
Artyboy369: I need you to train me to run the mile. Fast.
Ckontowderdon32: -igglesnort- why?
Artyboy369: because.
Ckontowderdon32: what do i get out of it?
Artyboy369: …well…what did you have in mind?
He sighed. She wanted to negotiate. This was bringing back memories of past informants…
Ckontowderdon32: just jking, i dont need anething. just confirmation.
Artyboy369: confirmation?
He raised an eyebrow.
Ckontowderdon32: that ur not going to give up. that ull TRY.
Artyboy369: of course I'll try!
Ckontowderdon32: o.O no need to get all defensive. just tell me that ull try ur hardest. and do what I tell u. exactly. i cant stand it when people give up and dont push themselves.
Artyboy369: fine.
This better be worth the physical exertion...
Ckontowderdon32: after school tomorrow at the track then.
Artyboy369: exactly after school?
Ckontowderdon32: -- after school is after school, idiot.
Artyboy369: ignoramus
Ckontowderdon32: loser.
Artyboy369: nerd.
Ckontowderdon32: ditto
Artyboy369: touché.
You can't deny what you are, he thought, and started on his homework, unable to hide the small smile that lit up his face. Genius.
A/N: Okay, okay, kill me, I KNOW this chapter was very ooc. Shoot me! -thinks- Actually, please don't. e he...
PEACE & LOVE to the reviewers from last chapter: PanzerBun 2.0, annatari.the.writer, Ellemay, Elizashizzle, Pepper Lemon, Belle07, the quintessence of wyrd, Little-Miss-Vamprechaun, commix-freak, Alastor506, shewolf51, Sarimia, paradisegurl101, tardyarty, Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm, wingsgirl1313, and baby green eyes!!!
Favorite Review Award: Devouring Sarcasm Phantasm (hands gold spork) Now you don't have to make one:P
