Lacrymosa
Out on your own
I walked through the park, bundled in my parka, watching as the snow drifted down from the clouds. How did my life get like this? I wondered as I shivered from the cold night air.
Cold and alone again
Tommy was gone on a business trip in LA. He wanted to use this time to think. To think about where our marriage was headed. He wanted a separation.
Can this be what you really wanted, baby?
Our carefully constructed façade of a marriage was falling apart.
Blame it on me
We were at a party. It was some press party for G Major at some hotel and Tommy was being a stick in the mud. He was sitting at the bar, slamming down drinks and, consequently, slamming down my mood. Ryland had noticed my unhappiness and was trying to cheer me up, with a little bit of success.
Set your guilt free.
It was cute, actually. Ryland was spastically dancing and breaking into song. But nothing the "Prince of Rock" would sing. It was all songs from various musicals. And even not the cool ones.
Ryland approached Tommy and I at our seats at the bar.
"Can I borrow your wife?" Ryland asked, "For a dance?"
Nothing can hold you back now
"You never asked before." Tommy scoffed by way of an answer.
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Ryland demanded.
"Nothing." He muttered, downing a shot of tequila.
Now that you're gone
The winter wind bit at my cheeks and I shivered, dragging myself out of my thoughts. I stopped at a bench and sat down, suddenly feeling heavy from the weight of my thoughts.
I feel like myself again.
Being alone was hard. Tommy's absence was so apparent. But at the same time, I was free.
Grieving the things I can't repair and willing...
I was free to breathe without worry that my husband was out somewhere, trashed. I always worry that I'll get a call that he's been arrested. Or that he's in the hospital after crashing his car in some ditch on the side of the road.
To let you blame it on me,
With a long sigh, I got up and started on my way home.
And set your guilt free.
I shoved my hands in my pockets, my thoughts drifting back to Tommy and our relationship. I was surprised when Tommy approached me about separating. I had honestly thought I would be the one that say it first.
I don't want to hold you back now love.
But it was a relief…not to say it first. My guilt of wanting some time a part was lifted.
I can't change who I am.
I opened the gate to our mansion and headed up the front walk. I unlocked the front door and went inside. I took off my coat and hat and left them on the floor. I moved into the living room and saw that I had a couple of messages. I hit play and flopped on the couch as they began.
The first was from EJ; a hundredth reminder for the interview with People next week. The second was from Ryland. He wanted to know if I wanted to have a 80s movie marathon night while Tommy was away. I laughed as he ended the message with a high pitched-off key rendition of "Eye of the Tiger". The last stopped me from laughing. It was Tommy.
"Hey babe," He said, his voice amazingly clear.
I closed my eyes. It was like he was standing next to me.
"Cali is hot. The meetings are endless. I can't wait to get back home…have you been giving what I asked any thought?" He sighed. "I miss you, Jude, and I love you. I hope you…make the right choice."
Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
My throat tightened and I struggle to clear it. What choice would I make? Stay with my drunken husband? Or leave and be free?
And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.
Or would I fight?
My love wasn't enough.
But fighting and giving my all hasn't worked.
And you can blame it on me,
He blamed me for the way our marriage has turned out. I could see it in his eyes.
Just set your guilt free, honey.
But I loved him. I missed him. I didn't want to let him go.
I don't want to hold you back now love.
But on the other hand…
There was a knock at the door. I got up with a sigh and went to the door. I opened it and Ryland was standing on my steps, smiling.
…There was Ryland…
