Chapter six—Buttless chaps and talent? shows

Disclaimer: Someday I will rule the world, and the Potterverse will be MINE! Not yet, though. For now all I own is the plot and about half the contestants. And Ricardo/Homer. I know, you're all jealous that he can come shopping with me and tell me what colors flatter my shape.

Michelle's poem was written by some guy named Rex A. Williams,

Samantha's song was sung by Westlife,

Jade's song was sung by Avril Lavigne

((Yes, I listen to better music, but they're appropriate songs))

This chapter is dedicated to opalshine, who brought buttless chaps into the equation…and she created Jade. She even made a story about hoe Jade and Sirius met. You should read it!

Sirius was asleep in his warm bed again, and he vaguely registered the weight of someone on top of him.

'God, if it's that fruit again,' he thought, as he jumped up and screamed, the person flying off of him.

It was Shea.

"What the fuck, Shea? You know you're not supposed to be in here!" He yelled.

"I couldn't stay away, babyyy…" She purred into his ear. It was then that he noticed that she was wearing next to nothing (as was usual), except this time she wasn't wearing anything on the top half of her body.

"Shea…I'm trying to sleep here…" He sighed.

"You don't need beauty sleep, baby, you're already beautiful enough…" She whispered.

"Yeah, well I'd still like to get a little sleep…" he said, frowning at her.

"But baby!" she said, as he grabbed the lamp off of the nightstand and pushed her out the door with it, because any real physical contact may give her ideas. Disturbing ideas.

Sirius frowned and fell backwards onto his bed, immediately falling back asleep.

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"A talent show?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, Sirius, in which the winner goes out clubbing with you and the loser…well, obviously…doesn't get a rose.

"Okay, cool… Are you wearing buttless chaps?"

"Oh…I must have gotten in late last night and forgotten to change…"

"Yeah, I gotta go," said Sirius, before tearing down the hall to Liza's room.

"Ly! Open up!" He yelled, banging on the door.

A very sleepy Liza opened the door, and she smiled and her golden eyes shone when she realized it was him. "Siri! What's up?"

"Your list. I got some stuff for it."

She laughed and handed him a pen. He followed her into the room, and she led him to the list on the wall. He saw that there were a few new things written on it.

7) He does that stupid "Cucumbers on the eyes," thing. And he doesn't eat the cucumbers afterwards like a normal person.

8) His name is probably Lance or Julio or something. Not that any of us know his real name. It's one of life's great mysteries.

9)He told me not to wear my blue dress yesterday, and instead wear my favorite jeans and gold halter top, because it matches my eyes and vertical stripes are slimming.

He was right.

10) He eats pomegranates. Everyone knows that pomegranates are fruit fruit.

Sirius laughed and brought the pen to the paper.

11) Buttless chaps. End of story.

She looked at the paper and snorted. "Are you kidding me?"

"Sadly, no," he said. She cringed.

"Well then, I'll see you at the talent show, Siri,"

"Okay, Ly."

She kissed him before he left.

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"All right, Sirius, the contestants are coming out one at a time, and they'll do their bit, and then you'll pick you're favorite to go on a date with you." Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio said, as he squirmed a bit in his seat.

'Yes, it must be a change for him to wear NORMAL pants…' Sirius thought, and cringed.

Shea walked out on the stage wearing a very tiny and glittery costume. Sirius somehow knew what she was going to do. Possibly because there was now a stripper pole growing out of the middle of the stage.

Sirius watched with a mix of mild interest, embarrassment, and disgust as Shea showed off her 'talent.' She was probably right, though, because she didn't seem capable of being talented at anything that didn't involve taking her clothes off.

"Going to have to edit that out," the producer muttered, as Shea picked up her now discarded lingerie set and sauntered off the stage. The stage crew made her put on some clothes before she joined Sirius and Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio, in the audience, where they would watch the other contestants.

Samantha was next, and she came out in a long pale blue dress with her hair tied up in a knot, then she took the microphone and a soft tune began playing from the magical piano. Samantha looked directly into Sirius' eyes and sang:

Hello, let me know if you hear me
Hello, if you want to be near
Let me know
And I'll never let you go

Hey love
When you ask what I feel, I say love
When you ask how I know
I say trust

And if that's not enough

It's every little thing you do
That makes me fall in love with you
There isn't a way that I can show you
Ever since I've come to know you
It's every little thing you say
That makes me wanna feel this
There's not a thing that I can point to
'Cause it's every little thing you do

Don't ask why
Let's just feel what we feel
'Cause sometimes
It's the secret that keeps it alive
But if you need a reason why

Is it your smile or your laugh or your heart
Does it really matter why I love you
Anywhere there's a crowd, you stand out
Can't you see why they can't ignore you
If you wanna know
Why I can't let go
Let me explain to you
That every little dream comes true
With every little thing you do

It's everything, everything you do
That makes me fall in love with you
It's everything, everything you say
That makes me feel this way

Sirius smiled at her. The song was very romantic, very sweet, very…Samantha. He knew he hadn't been spending too little time with some of the girls, Samantha included, because having so many true loves living in the house with him, he wanted to give all of them his undying love and attention.

Samantha gave him a kiss on the cheek and took her seat as Kristin walked to the stage, carrying…

What looked like the biggest bottle of firewhiskey Sirius had ever seen.

"Okay, everyone, I'm going to drink this whole bottle of firewhiskey in one sip!" Kristin called enthusiastically, running to the stool in the center of the stage.

Kristin uncorked the bottle, put it to her lips, and tilted it upwards. It was very impressive, but Kristin once again forgot to think. Sirius knew from experience that too much firewhiskey will have you sick for days, and you'll never want to drink again.

His eyes widened as the liquid level in the bottle grew lower and lower and lower until there was nothing left. Then--

CRASH. Kristin fell off the stool, flopping to the floor in a dead faint. From behind the curtain he heard a few girls laughing. A stage assistant hauled Kristin off the stage and put her into one of the seats in the audience, where her head flopped around uselessly and she fell sideways and off the chair again. Everyone just decided to leave her on the floor.

Tracie was next, and she did some kind of dance routine to the lyrics of "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love," by that chick Peter thought was hot.

Michelle came out holding a scrap of paper and looking nervous. She walked up to the microphone. "Er, hi. I wrote a poem for you, Sirius, and I'm going to read it."

Sirius smiled at Michelle as she read her poem:

Your lips speak soft sweetness
Your touch a cool caress
I am lost in your magic
My heart beats within your chest

I think of you each morning
And dream of you each night
I think of your arms being around me
And cannot express my delight

Never have I fallen
But I am quickly on my way
You hold a heart in your hands
That has never before been given away

Sirius was shocked. He didn't know Michelle had a poetic side. The poem was true, of course. Before him, Michelle had been a hopeless flirt, and he had been her first real relationship.

Daphne came out next, carrying only her wand. "Okay," she said into the mic. "I'm going to do some magic…"

And she pulled out her wand and made some wicked complicated hand motions, and soon, there was a strong wind blowing through the room. It was mad impressive magic, Sirius thought. When she was done, and elephant in a tutu was dancing on the stage.

"COOL!" Sirius yelled.

There was one thing Daphne hadn't planned on, thought, and that was hoe to get the elephant out of the house. Nobody knew the spell. Well, Sirius did, but it was funnier to watch the stage crew struggle. In the end, they called a helicopter to transport it to an African wildlife preserve where it could be with it's own kind, but not before it nearly trampled the (possibly dead) Kristin lying on the floor.

Jade came out form behind the curtain next, smiling and waving, holding a dark blue electric guitar. She pulled the microphone close to her. It turned out that she was singing a song as well, a song that would be written some twenty years from now, just like Samantha's song. Maybe the talent crew had used a time turner to help them.

Jade had a very sweet voice. Sirius knew she could sing, but the last time he'd heard her, she was screaming the lyrics to the weird sisters hit songs with him. Fun, but not exactly sweet. He listened to the sad song as Jade sang it and played the guitar.

The last lines really stuck in Sirius' head:

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending!

It made Sirius kind of depressed, because it reminded him of the tragic end his and Jade's only night together had had. He hadn't seen her again until now.

Jade sat down in the audience, to be replaced but Liza. Sirius burst out laughing. Liza was wearing a ridiculous looking turban, and carrying a crystal ball.

"I am the great Lizadellanellakella. I can see the future," she said, in a falsely mystical tone," who would like to go first?"

Ricardo/Homer/Lance/Julio raised his manicured hand, smiling. Liza pressed one hand to her forehead and the other hand she pointed at him.

"I see…I see…Hmm…all I see is a bowl of fruit…" Liza said, looking into the crystal ball.

The host looked at the producer. "I think she's talking about my new pomegranate diet," he said, and Sirius cracked up.

Shea got her fortune told next. "Okay…I see…Tuesday…Tuesday, I think…oh, your herpes is going to flare up. Don't go out."

Sirius (along with all the other contestants) laughed hysterically. Liza gave everyone a prediction and then left the stage, along with all the other girls (except for Drunk!Kristin, who was still on the floor), who followed her out of the room.

Sirius had to admit, Liza did have a true talent for mixing just about anything with comedy.

He went to the room all the girls had gone to, where he had to pick one to go on a date with. He had a choice of six girls, in his opinion, because he had gone with Jade last time and Kristin was majorly pissed and still out cold on the "talent show room" floor.

He chose Liza, and she smiled and took his arm and whispered in his ear, "The fates have informed me you would pick me…"

To which he responded, "Take that stupid turban off and let's go!"

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He probably spent most of his date with Liza out of breath from laughing so hard. By the time they'd gotten home, he was so glad he'd picked her to go out with him. She was so much fun, and he loved the way her golden eyes shone in the light. She gave him a long kiss goodnight before proceeding to the rose room. He left for his bedroom.

The seven roses and note were there.

Sirius,

I noticed an abundantly clear lack of talent in some of the contestants at the talent show. Make the right choice, this time.

Sirius picked up the roses and went into the room with the eight contestants, giving a rose to Jade, Liza, Samantha, Tracie, Daphne, and Michelle.

Either Kristin (still unconscious, being held up by stage crew) or Shea was leaving tonight.

"Goodbye, Shea," Sirius said as he handed the rose to the stage worker, who promptly dropped Kristin trying to grab it.

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Shea's gone! Yay. Don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of everyone's least favorite stripper. SHE'LL BE BACK!

And don't forget to vote!