Dinner was always quiet at the Maryam household. Karkat sat on one side of the table, eating quietly as he scrolled through his phone. Of course on it were things he held dear and personal to himself, but he didn't mind. He had things written down- reminders if you will. Pictures of things he wished to hold on to for his entire life, or at least as long as his phone would last. He would eat idly with one hand, the other moving rhythmically up his phone. Every now and then he would give a half assed snort through his nose and that was the end.

Kanaya, however was a much more intent eater. She would organize everything based off of what colors complimented eachother and make her way rhythmically around the plate, a process Karkat knew by heart. She would separate warm and cool colors, then begin with the warm colors, ending on the cool. Not that he cared in any way shape or form, it was just a fun little fact about his cousin he found peace in knowing. Porrim, however was different.

Porrim was able to inhale an entire chicken in a matter of ten minutes, shoving enough potatoes and carrots in her mouth to look as though she was ready to burrow for the winter, or kick a certain sea sponge's ass for saying Dirty Dan. She would eat erratically, whatever suited her fancy. She had every right too.

Karkat found himself a bit off task for once. He sat silently, his phone locked to the side, and his fork poking idly at the blob of meat that reeked of spices. He glanced to his Aunt, noting how she seemed to have slowed down and give him a questioning look. "Karkat, you can't possible be thinking about that again, can you? I know you miss them, but the counselor said it's time to start letting go and continue with the grieving process. " Porrim said gently. All it did was end up putting a frown on his face, his fingers tapping at the table.

"She's still there. I though that easter would be the last time I saw her, but she was in the backseat earlier. " Karkat said quietly as he looked down at his plate. He'd admit it looked less appetizing when it was beginning to get cold. He eventually gave up on food, not giving her time to reply before he stood up, taking his plate back to the kitchen. He made quick work out of wrapping up all his food, setting it on the shelf of the fridge that his aunt had designated his. He had no hesitations in going upstairs again, not even getting his phone off the table.

A shower.

That's all he wanted. A nice hot shower to wash it all away until tomorrow. Karkat pushed open the door, glancing in the mirror. He stared for a moment, a bit thrown off. He didn't realize his jawline had become more defined, and that the bags under his eyes were almost the same shade of grey as his eyes themselves. He ran a hand through his hair, noting how long it had seemed. He really had been too busy avoiding it all to notice he was almost grown.

With a head shake, he pushed the door shut, stripping off his clothes. He shivered as he did a small dance to the mat, starting the water. He didn't care how hot it was, he just turned it to a random setting and hopped in, relaxing under the scalding hot water. It gave a burn he almost felt pleasure in. It reminded him of when his brother and him would fall asleep outside on the trampoline and wake up with sunburns.

Shaking his head again he poured shampoo into his hand, clenching his teeth. He didn't want to think about him. He was so tired, and desperate. He wanted his old life back, but he knew it was impossible. He knew he would never live down what he had saw that day, and he knew no one would understand.

No one would understand.

No one would understand.

No one would understand.

The phrase rang through his head, like someone was standing in the distance, yelling just loud enough for him to hear. He took a deep breath, his trembling hands working on washing out his hair.

Thank god water could hide tears.