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"SAMMY NO!" Sam heard his older brother cry out to him. He didn't even feel like he was controlling his body anymore. It was as if autopilot kicked in and forced him into doing what his conscious mind would not be able to. He had tried to kill himself those other times, like on the cliff years ago and then half an hour ago… But a part of him always knew that his family would save him.

He wouldn't let them save him this time. He'd do it right.

Sam turned his gaze to his brother who was lunging forward, trying to protect him. He so wished he could be the brother Dean deserved… one that would not cause him pain and heartache. Sam pulled in a deep breath. His last fleeting thought before he clamped his finger down onto the trigger was Dean. His hand not shaking in the slightest, he heard the audible click of an empty barrel.

What the… He pulled the trigger twice, and again. No, no no no no! "What did you do!" Sam's pained outburst filled the tight space. Dean didn't stop, he continued his rush toward Sam and he knocked the gun from his hand. Loaded or not, Dean apparently didn't want the thing near him. Sam choked back a sob and flung himself into the wall, sinking down to the navy carpet.

Dean must have asked his father about the gun because he heard his answer through the pounding of his head. "I- I was afraid something like this could happen. I didn't want to believe it but…" his dad choked up. "Sammy…"

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John watched his son break down to nothing and couldn't do anything to stop it. He could see his oldest fall to his knees on the floor in front of Sam. Dean stayed perfectly still until he could hear the sickening banging of bone against the plaster of the wall. Sam was smashing his head back, his jaw taught and tears streaming down his face. That had Dean springing into action, wrapping his arms around John's youngest.

"Sammy, it's all gonna by okay. I gotcha. Don't worry." John could plainly hear the panic in his voice as Dean softly calmed Sam. "P-please Sammy. I… I need you. I can't do this without you bro. Don't you get that? Don't you understand how important you are to this family? …To me?" His voice faltered at the end. He saw Dean pull Sam forward until their foreheads touched. He never let go of his face. "Answer me Sam… Please say something."

There was silence until John heard the four little words that had his world crashing down around him. Four words from his baby boy that had his stomach flipping around in circles. Four words that he never wanted to hear from either of his boys for the rest of their lives. "P-please let me die."

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"P-please let me die." Sam pleaded with his brother. Why couldn't he understand he couldn't remain in this life anymore? He wanted to be off this Earth so badly he could hardly stand speaking anymore.

"No, damn it! NO! I am not going to let you die on me. Not on my watch, Sammy. Not EVER. I don't care if I'M dead. You are not dying."

"Why would you be so cruel?" Sam really wanted the answer. If he didn't want to be here, why was Dean making him stay?

Dean grabbed his wrist, "As long as your heart is pumping blood through your veins, so is mine. I don't want to die, so you have to keep on going." Dean looked as if he was going to keep on going but stopped and stared for a long moment at his hand wrapped around Sam's wrist.

Oh God. Sam jolted away from Dean's hand and scrambled away. He knew what his brother must have felt when he pressed his fingers to his pulse point. Dean had him pinned on his back in an instant.

"Dad, help me get this sweatshirt off him." He could see his father kneeling beside Sam and pulling his sweatshirt over his head revealing a ripped up, white v-neck with bloodied fingerprints at the bottom near the frayed edge. Dean straddled Sam and pinned his right arm down beside him. Sam could see that they were both staring at his left arm where the bloodied scrap of shirt was drunkenly tied around a gruesome gash just above his forearm. He took their distraction to maneuver his way out from under Dean. They were so shocked it took a second for them to realize Sam was on his way toward the door. Dean ran to him and grabbed him around the shoulders, pinning his arms to his sides just as Sam bucked and had them both landing on the ground. Dean's arms didn't loosen their grip as they sat on the floor. Sam pulled his knees to his chest and Dean had his legs in a V shape around Sam, holding him tight. Sam could feel his brother's heart beating too fast on his back.

"Calm down, Sammy." He felt his breath move his hair as Dean spoke. "Dad, can you come and clean his arm up?" His voice was gentle and it soothed Sam minutely. He tensed as his father brought the first aid kit over and sat down in front of him. His dad gingerly took his left hand and turned it over, revealing all of his secrets. A small gasp escaped his father's lips as he looked at his wrist.

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"Dad? Dad what is it?" He still wasn't sure why Sam was causing such a problem when all they wanted to do was clean the wound on his arm. He looked back down at Sam's arm and stopped at his wrist. A multitude of scars marred the pale complexion. The breath caught in his throat. "Sam."

"Please let me go." Sam seemed to sober up a bit so Dean released his grasp. He got up and stumbled over to their shared bed and stared down at Dean. Dean could almost see the gears turning in his head as he was trying hard to make excuses for what he'd just seen on his wrist. "I-" Dean held up a hand to silence him. He needed a second to process what he had just unmistakably seen.

There were so many. All in a neat row rising the length of his arm… Meaning he'd been at this a long time, unless he slashed his wrist all those times in one day. He didn't get a good enough look to see any stages of healing. "Let's start simple." He met eyes with his distressed little brother. "Was the wound on the inside of your elbow s-self inflicted… or did someone hurt you before we found you."

Sam looked to his father, deflecting his question by not making eye contact. "Sammy, please." Their father sat at the foot of the bed beside Sam. He scooted further from his father. Dean looked to their dad, nodding to Sam signaling for him to tend to his arm. "Here." His dad took the hint and tried to grab Sam's arm to pull away the material. "I'm just going to clean this up, okay? You can answer us when you're ready…" Dean could hear the silent 'Because I really need to know. I need you to be alright.' Dean agreed…

Dean scooted the medical box over to his dad, but did not make a move toward them. He and Sam were watching each other; neither brother's gaze strayed from the others. Each wore a mask of pain. Dean wore his for the pain of almost losing his brother. Sam wore his for a whole other reason entirely. Dean longed to be able to know what was going on inside his brother's head at that very moment.

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"Done." Sam turned his eyes onto his father then to his arm that donned a neat white dressing. Self consciously, he pulled his arm into his chest and curled inward.

All too suddenly, Dean was across the floor and right up in Sam's face. "Sam, give me your arm." Sam stubbornly refused. He knew Dean had every right to be angry with him, but he just couldn't deal with this right now. There was so much going on, he was overwhelmed. "Sam." He spat his name, harshly gripping his wrist and drawing it out into the open. Sam yelped and tried to bring his arm back. "God damn it Sammy! What have you done?" Sam squeezed his eyes shut, willing everything to just be a dream. That he'd wake up and have his family in the dark about his secrets, just like they should be.

He was on the brink of a full-blown panic mode when his father suddenly stepped in. He'd all but forgotten him sitting next to him. "Dean, maybe you should go and get us something to eat?" Dean stared at his father like he was some sort of alien.

"Excuse me?" Dean questioned.

"I said maybe you should go get some breakfast. We could all use a break." Their father gave Dean a stern look and then Dean, being the good soldier that he is, abruptly stood and stomped out the door.

"Dad?" Sam began. He and his father had never really been close so he didn't know what he should say.

"Son. I know that I haven't been there for you a lot when you were younger. Hell, I haven't been there for you now that you're an adult. I know… I know I screwed up a lot…" His father looked deep into Sam's eyes, searching for something. "But, I- I love you son. And seeing you this way… It tears me up worse than any wendigo ever could. I need to know what's wrong so your brother and I can help fix it."

Sam thought about this for a minute, letting his words sink in. "What's wrong is me… And… And I don't know if you can fix this."

"We'll never know if you don't let anyone in, Sam." He put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Sam turned his head and buried it in his chest. "You have people who care about you. You have Dean, Bobby, … Me."

"I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem weak. I couldn't let anyone know how bad everything hurt. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find the surface." Sam clutched the material of his father's shirt as the tears began to fall again. Then suddenly let go, wiping his tears away. "I am weak." Sam whispered under his breath.

"You are not weak Samuel Winchester. You are not. Now…" His dad glanced at the motel clock sitting next to the bed. "You need to get some sleep. The strength of the whisky on your breath could kill a Black Dog." His father smiled warmly.

For once in a very, very long time… Sam laughed freely. "Yeah… I should get some sleep, huh?" He laid back and his father pulled the sheets over him. Just before his father walked away from the bed, Sam reached for his hand and tugged. "Dad?" He waited until he had his father's full attention. "I love you too." Sam whispered before falling into the first restful sleep he'd had in months.

He didn't feel his father sweep his bangs from his face. He didn't hear his father murmur, "I know you do, son… I know you do." But somehow, Sam felt the comfort of his words even in his sleep.

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This chapter was really hard for me to write. I didn't know if I should have this be the final chapter or not. So I'm sorry it took me longer than usual to update. I wanted Sam to have a heart to heart with his dad since Dean always filled the fatherly role with Sam. I think I'm going to have one more chapter, so stay tuned! Please rate!