Chapter 7,

Erin shifted impatiently in her hospital bed waiting for Jay to return with Sophie from day care. She nervously played with her hands and envisioned what her reunion with her baby would be like. Would she recognize her? Would her daughter instinctively be able to tell something had changed? She looked down and realized that her right hand had been absentmindedly rubbing her empty left ring finger. I cannot believe I am married, she thought immediately. She thought of Jay, and of her daughter, and she was surprised by how happy she felt. For a girl who had never once thought about settling down, she was shocked by how content she felt in this moment knowing that her husband was going to pick up her daughter.

She stood from the bed and began pacing the room. She wanted her memories back. She hoped that seeing her baby would bring everything back.

"Mama!" Erin heard her before she saw her, and she turned just as a small blonde toddler ran and jumped into her arms. "I missed you, Mommy." She leaned forward and hugged Erin tightly, and began to bounce excitedly up and down in her arms.

Erin stared at her daughter. She had blonde hair and the same hazel eyes as her own. She also had her nose. But her smile... it was all Halstead. That famous Halstead grin, she thought. She was dressed in a pink dress with white leggings with a lace trim at the bottom. She was adorable.

But as she searched the features of her daughter and recognized herself and Jay in her face, she felt a wave of unsteadiness and anxiety. She had felt so connected to the idea of this baby and to her pregnancy in the memory she had. But Sophie wasn't a baby. Erin had envisioned a tiny little baby girl that would smile and coo in her arms. She had envisioned feeling an immediate connection with her, like she had with Jay. She wanted to be overcome and overwhelmed by love and all those maternal feelings you are supposed to have.

But she didn't recognize her baby - or toddler, or whatever she was. And she wasn't having that moment she expected.

In the past 24 hours since she had woken up she had experienced an array of emotions. She had felt surprise and shock, then she had felt fear and anxiety, she had also experienced complete and utter devastation, and throughout, she had felt waves of attraction to her husband. But in this moment, she had a new emotion - one that was worse than even the fear and devastation.

Hopelessness.

She felt hopeless. Sophie wasn't a baby. She wouldn't be blissfully unaware of Erin's condition. She would take one look at Erin and see right through her, and she would know. This wasn't her mother. She was an imposter.

"Hi, Sophie," her voice came out quiet and Jay could immediately sense her nervousness. He watched Erin as she searched Sophie's face, trying hard to find something familiar, to remember her somehow. It broke his heart when he realized she didn't.

She can't summon memories on command, he immediately reminded himself. On his drive over he had gotten his hopes up, but he needed to be realistic.

"Soph," he said, as he reached for his daughter. "Mommy still isn't feeling too well. Let's give her some space, okay princess?"

"NO!" Sophie shouted, avoiding Jay's arms. She curled herself into Erin, nuzzling her head in Erin's neck. "I want Mommy!"

Erin hadn't interacted with kids much in her life and she felt completely at a loss. She had assumed she would see Sophie and just instantly know what to do. Her maternal instincts would kick in, and she would immediately become a pro at all things baby. But she didn't. She had no idea what to do, and Sophie's arms right around her neck began to feel like a weight. One she couldn't handle. "Sophie." She said, more loudly this time. "Can you please go to Jay?"

Sophie looked up at Erin completely confused, and waved her head around to look for 'Jay'.

"Daddy." Jay corrected. "Come to Daddy, Soph." This time he didn't give her an option, and he plucked Sophie from Erin's arms.

Daddy. Erin's cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Of course Sophie had looked so confused. She doesn't know who Jay is. He's just daddy to her. "Sorry," she said quietly, looking down at the floor and shifting uncomfortably.

"It's okay," he responded. Maybe this had been a bad idea. All he wanted was to be there for wife. To comfort her and remind her of the beautiful life they had built together. But this Erin... she didn't know their daughter or their life. And he couldn't just think of Erin. He needed to think of Sophie, too.

Sophie had missed her mommy so much in the past few days, and it was beginning to take a toll on her. Just now when he picked her up, the head of the daycare had commented that Sophie had been overly fussy all morning, behavior that was completely out of character for her. He had hoped that seeing Erin would help, but now he wasn't sure. After this encounter, Sophie might be even more upset. He had dangled her mom in front of her, and now... Now, he could tell Erin was going to ask him to take her away.

"Um... do you think maybe-" Erin wouldn't lift her eyes from the ground. Her cheeks were a deep red and tears were building in her eyes.

"I have an idea," Jay said animatedly, not allowing Erin to finish her sentence and ask him to leave. "Let's take a trip to the cafeteria and get some ice cream!" He looked at Sophie, "Doesn't that sound fun?"

Sophie nodded excitedly, no longer upset to be in her Daddy's arms.

Jay put Sophie down gently and she immediately ran to the door, eager to get her ice cream. "Soph!" He said loudly behind her, "Wait at the door please." She did as she was told, and he leaned over to Erin to quietly speak in her ear. "I know this is a lot for you. But the ice cream will keep Soph happy and distracted, you'll get to spend some time together," he paused and then spoke more quickly, "And then we can go home and give you some time to take it all in." He hoped he was doing the right thing for both of them.

"Okay. Yeah." I can do this, she told herself. As she walked to the door, Jay reached for her hand and squeezed it encouragingly. Again, she was surprised at how much Jay's touch calmed her. She felt their connection so strongly and it gave her the strength to reach out for Sophie's hand. Together, the three of them walked hand in hand to the cafeteria.

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Erin paced in her small room. She had been transferred out of the ICU, and was now in a step down unit. While that meant the doctors were encouraged by her progress, it also meant a more cramped, less comfortable room.

Sophie and Jay had gone home about an hour before, after the three of them had ice cream in the cafeteria. Sophie was so adorable and happy, and Erin had genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. As Sophie continued to talk and talk, Erin's anxiety slowly started to decrease. It was still present, but Sophie didn't seem all that fazed by the situation, and that certainly helped. She told Erin all about her adventures with Kim and Hank the past few days, but also how much she missed her mommy.

Jay had filled her in a little bit on the walk back to her room. Evidently, Kim and Hank had been taking turns taking care of Sophie when Jay was at the hospital. And Kim was Erin's best friend, she worked with them in Intelligence.

That had also something that had surprised Erin. Erin had never really had female friends before. Ever since she was a kid, and especially after joining the Chicago Police Department, she had always been one of the guys. The more she learned about her life, the more bewildered she became. In this life, she was a happy 33 year old wife, mom, and friend. She was so... normal.

"Hey, little sis." She turned to look at the man standing in the doorway. He was tall, with curly reddish-brown hair. He was fair-skinned with light eyes. He was wearing dark maroon scrubs and a long white coat. The end of the stethoscope hanging from his neck blocked his name, and she looked up at him with a look of confusion. "No? Nothing?" He said with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic smile. She recognized his smile, and knew right away he must be a Halstead.

"Of course, I know exactly who you are." She said, returning his sarcasm and raising an eyebrow of her own. "I don't remember my husband or my daughter... but you? You're unforgettable." At least she hadn't lost her sense of humor. Or irony.

He flashed an even bigger smile and began to laugh. "I'm Will." He said, as he walked towards her. "Jay's older brother." He reached her and enveloped her in a long hug. "I'm glad you're okay."

It was like her body recognized people when her mind didn't. She didn't particularly like to be touched, and she had definitely never been a hugger. But as she hugged Will back, she noticed how natural it felt, how comfortable.

He pulled away from her and sat down on the chair, motioning for her to sit on the bed. It seemed he was planning to stay for a while. "Okay seriously, Erin." His smile faded and he regarded her with a questioning stare. "How are you really doing with all of this?"

She shrugged off his question, answering noncommittally, and looking down at her hands. Again, she noticed with surprise that she was rubbing her left ring finger, touching the place a wedding ring would be.

"Erin." He said more sternly. "There's no pressure." He reached to tap her hands, trying to get her to look up. "I'm not reporting back to my brother."

No pressure. She wasn't sure if she should believe him. But either way, those words had opened something inside her. Pressure. That's what she felt. Pressure to be the daughter Hank wanted, the wife and mother Jay and Sophie needed. It was all too much. It was beginning to swallow her whole.

"I can't remember my own daughter." She said quietly, finally allowing the tears that she had been holding in all day to fall freely from her eyes. "I don't know her." She looked up at Will, begging for him to understand. "I should love my own daughter, but instead I feel..." Nothing. She stopped, unable to say the words out loud.

Will looked at his sister-in-law crying on the bed. He recognized despair in her voice and it saddened him. Natalie had seen Erin, Jay, and Sophie in the cafeteria earlier, and reported back that they had all been smiling. "You don't feel nothing," Will replied, recognizing her unspoken words. "You wouldn't be crying if you felt nothing." He reached out and touched her hand, soothing her. "Erin, you are being too hard on yourself. You just woke up and found out you have a husband and a daughter. That the woman you knew as your mother is dead. That the man you knew as your brother is also dead." He squeezed her hand as her tears flowed even faster. "You don't feel nothing. You feel overwhelmed."

Erin looked at Will gratefully, and he continued. "But you're lucky you know." He said, smiling and trying to lighten the mood. "If you had to wake up to find out you had a husband and daughter..." he raised his eyebrows and shook his head playfully, "You won the lottery with Jay and Sophie."

Erin smiled back, knowing there was so much truth to Will's words.

"And they will be easy to fall in love with. You can count on that."

Xoxoxoxo

Okay - so I realize this has been a very dragged out 24-48 hours and I'm definitely going to move on from the hospital after this chapter and have Erin go home. Suggestions and feedback are totally welcome :) thanks for reading!