November, 1980.
James and Lily Potter had not been to an Order meeting since May. As Lily had gotten more visibly pregnant, she had felt the need to stay at home, and James did not want to leave her alone, even though she insisted that she would be fine. When he had first heard the news, he went to Remus and Sirius's flat and chain-smoked with Sirius until the sun came up. Remus was not home, but out on an Order mission, trying to find other werewolves.
October, 1979.
James and Sirius sat at the tiny kitchen table drinking butterbeer. Sirius did not know what to say at first. He lit another cigarette and joked about needing to open the window so they could see each other properly. James nodded, not really listening. Sirius stood up and cracked the window open, waving smoke out.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm not sure," James sighed, and continued to stare at the table. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair, something he did when he was nervous, but he knew that even that wouldn't comfort him.
"If you're worried about being a Dad-" Sirius tried.
"It's not that," James exhaled and this time ran his fingers through his hair. It helped, but only slightly. "It's not cold feet, either. I mean, I've loved Lily practically forever, and I'll love her until my heart stops beating."
"I'm aware," Sirius took a sip of his butterbeer.
"It's that, you know, I feel really irresponsible."
"You, head Marauder, are worried about being irresponsible?"
"We're not kids anymore, Sirius!" He yelled without meaning to.
"I know that, mate." Sirius put his hand on his shoulder and was careful to keep his voice steady and in the same tone. After years of being yelled at, yelling did not fluster him, and he knew James didn't really mean it. "But we're twenty. We're still young."
"And I'm married with a kid on the way and there's a fucking war going on."
"People have committed worse crimes."
"Like what?" He finished the last of his butterbeer. Sirius offered him another one.
"I'm assuming that you are going to sleep on my couch tonight. Mr. Father-to-be needs to be responsible now."
"Did you ever think we would end up here?"
"You mean, you married and me all domestic? Not in a million years." He lit yet another cigarette.
"I should quit smoking."
Comfortable silence fell between them. Sirius continued drinking his butterbeer. "Just because it isn't how I pictured it, doesn't mean it's a bad thing." He watched the smoke rise above his head.
"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans?"
"Did you just quote John Lennon to me? Take me, I'm yours."
"Nope, that's all me."
"If Moony were here he would tell you that's copyright infringement." He grinned.
"Can I ask you something?"
"'Course."
"Do you think I'll be a good father?"
"I'm not answering that, your head will inflate again."
"I'm being serious."
"That's my job." He winked and raised his bottle.
"Really, Padfoot." James rolled his eyes.
"I don't think you'll be bad at it. You'll get to teach 'em things like how to ride a broom, and if you have a son, how to annoy the shit out of someone until they go out with you."
"Oi!"
"I mean, how to not annoy someone. And you'll get to fight for them so they can live in a better world than the one we've got. Plus, the first time you get to take them to shop for Hogwarts. I think you'll be the kind of Dad I wished I had, just like you're the kind of brother I always wanted." Sirius looked away, thinking of Regulus, his little brother.
Regulus had died in March. As a rule, Sirius did not talk about him, or think about him often. It was too painful.
"Do you miss him?" James asked, his voice almost a whisper. He was pushing things into a dangerous area, and he knew it. But these were dangerous times, and he was thinking about Lily, and her relationship with her sister, Petunia.
Sirius didn't answer but lit another cigarette. "Do you miss your parents?"
"Of course."
"Then don't ask me stupid fucking questions." He scowled and visibly tensed up. They did not talk about much else for the rest of the evening, and James never asked Sirius about Regulus ever again.
James spent the night on the couch, and that was the last time he smoked a cigarette. Sirius teased him mercilessly about it for months.
November, 1980.
James was excited to see Dumbledore, and the rest of the Order. But because they couldn't leave Harry alone, they were going to have to take turns. Dumbledore was on the way over to their house to see them together, before James would go to the Order meeting whilst Lily took care of Harry.
Lily nervously arranged and rearranged the pillows on the sofas until they heard a rap on the door. She went to open the door and found Dumbledore with a smile on his face, his blue eyes twinkling.
"Come on in."
"Lily and James, great to see you, as always." He followed them into the living room.
"Should I get the tea?" Lily asked, as she stood in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen.
"Ah yes, that would be great." Dumbledore smiled and sat down. "Where's Harry?"
"Upstairs taking a nap, but he should be up soon."
"I was hoping to meet him." Lily came back into the room and handed them tea.
"I'm sure you will." She forced a smile, clearly on edge, waiting for the bad news they had come to expect with every visit.
James stole a glance at her and tried to telepathically reassure her. He returned his gaze to Dumbledore and waited.
"I have some bad news."
They held their breaths without being aware of this, waiting. It was standard now. James thought of Harry upstairs sleeping, and what would happen if he had been killed. How would Lily take care of him? He put his arm around her.
"Marlene McKinnon and her husband were found dead last week. Everyone knows this, but with you two being gone, I thought I would tell you in person." They were devastated by the news, but immediately sighed with relief that it wasn't another family member. Even though James and Lily's parents were dead now, Lily still had Petunia and her family, and was aware that people had been killing muggles for the fun of it.
"There has to be a spy in the Order." James was sure about it. But he had no idea who it was.
"There might be." Dumbledore finished his tea as Harry began to cry upstairs.
"I'll go get him." James stood up and ran to get his son, returning later to show him off to Dumbledore.
"I do love babies." Harry smiled at Dumbledore, as he held him in his arms.
Harry was someone James would die for, if it came down to it.
