"The glamour
Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast
Down in the
flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past"
- DH Lawrence 'The Piano'
That night I dreamt of my childhood; when I was untouched by cruelty or evil. I dreamt of my friend named Sarah-Jane. Like me, she was from a family with a much respected name and we were inseparable. Sadly, she became close with another girl from my class. Our friendship ended and I had been convinced that my life had too. The next day, a girl called Elizabeth Deamure invited me around to her home. Suddenly, I had a new best friend and my days with Sarah-Jane were as good as forgotten. Sarah-Jane was replaceable.
I woke up wishing to see deep blue eyes and curly blonde hair. I was met with deep blue eyes and dark hair- Jake. I found myself wishing that like Sarah-Jane, Sebastian would be replaceable. I hoped that I would be able to find another companion who would erase Sebastian out of my thoughts.
"You're fucked up, you know that?" Jake whispered between light feathery kisses. I felt like I was high- which was extremely ironic seeing as I hadn't snorted coke for quite a while.
"Are you not?" I asked with conviction.
"No," he told me so confidently that I believed him.
"Yet you go around fucking everything that walks?" I asked bluntly. "Is someone a little lonely?" I teased rolling my eyes.
"You cannot be lonely if you like the person that you are alone with," he quoted and I straight away recognised it.
"Wayne Dyer," I replied as if he had actually asked me who had said that. He just smiled and pulled me on top of him so that our bodies were perfectly aligned.
"Last night was…" he left the sentence open for my imagination. "Can it become a regular thing?" he asked. I knew that question was coming. In fucking, practice really does make perfect.
"If you are a good boy and don't tell anyone about last night, then yes. I am willing to meet up with you and fuck you again," I instructed him. I was subconsciously making a list of things I could blackmail him with to keep him quiet.
"My lips are sealed," he mumbled before going and placing said lips on my neck and sucking gently. My hand tangled into his black mop of hair. I looked down at the supposedly not fucked up boy and found myself thinking that maybe it was possible that Sebastian could be replaceable after all.
…………………………………….
I gently placed my crucifix around my neck and went to unscrew it. My hand hovered for a second or two and then I retracted it. I was satisfied with the rather amazing fucking session I had had with Jake the night before. I headed out of my room to go and meet my mother and Sebastian's father for lunch. They were back from their trip and wanted to briefly talk to me before setting off to some other country. Unfortunately, I had the displeasure of bumping into Sebastian and Annette in the sitting room. He was kissing her cheek and saying goodbye and just before she exited the building, she gave me a little nod and gestured towards the door man.
"Ms. Kathryn, a package for you," he said as soon as he saw me and I quickly took it off of him. Sebastian looked at me with an angry expression as I walked past him and left. As soon as I was in the safety of the limo, I ripped open the package rather ungracefully. The leather-bound journal lay in my hands, taunting me and begging for me to read it. For the second time today, I hesitated. I was afraid of what I might find in there. I was afraid of what Sebastian thought of me. The scent of the leather made my mind betray me back to memories I would rather have kept buried.
"Could you be more queer?"
"Could you be more desperate to read it?"
The bet. That fucking bet. I couldn't fathom words strong enough to describe how I felt about that bet. It stole everything from me. It stole the boy I used to taunt and play with. It stole my only confident. The insidious mastery of the scent of leather kept taking me back;
"A paradigm of chastity and virtue"
Annette. The 'good girl' he fucking fell for. I turned the journal over in my hands. I realised that I didn't want to read what he said about me. It would do nothing but tarnish my memories of our 'happy' times together. I wanted to keep the era of Sebastian and I perfectly polished. I had slowly reached to place the journal in my handbag when the limo door swung open. It was only then that I realised I hadn't told the driver to where I exactly wanted to go to and that we had not even started moving. I sat frozen in horror whilst my mind was trapped in the past. The journal lay tightly in my grip and I sat rigid. Pouty lips opened up to gape in surprise and I was too stunned to force out a scathing remark. Minutes must have past while Sebastian went between staring at me and staring at the journal lying in my hands. It felt like an eternity before Sebastian broke the silence.
"How did you…when did you… did you?" he stuttered. His panic gave me a chance to gather myself together.
"Are you getting in or not? I am not waiting around all fucking day for you Valmont" I scathed, forever the Ice Queen. He got in silently, his shock turning into annoyance. He got in with jerky, fast movement and spat the destination to the driver.
"…How dare you steal that from Annette," he paused worriedly before he had even started.
"I didn't steal it fuckwit, she gave it to me," I replied with a tone that told him to drop it.
"Give it back Kathryn!" he yelled. He was hysterical now, sitting opposite me in his gorgeous black suit. He was the epitome of beauty; he was the epitome of betrayal.
"Don't even try it Valmont. Goldilocks won't come out too well if you do," I warned him and he slumped slightly in his seat; defeated.
"Did you…did you read it?" he asked. His voice was tentative and he crossed and uncrossed his legs. He always did that when he was nervous. I saw a flicker of worry and strangely remorse pass over his face. It felt like how it used to. It felt like he cared. I realised that he must have written something despicable about me and it stung. I realised that his opinion of me must have been extremely low and it hurt more than I ever wished it would. It was like he had just spat all over our history.
"What do you think?" I returned, unsure whether I wanted to make him think I had or not, so I just turned the question around on him instead. Suddenly, we both lost the desire to speak. Silence lay heavily over us and the tension was greater than it would have been if there was a maniac with a gun sitting next to me. The silence was heavy, uncomfortable and stifling. I suddenly became very anxious about where to put my hands. After fifteen or so minutes without a word being uttered, Sebastian tried to speak up:
"Kat, are you planning revenge? …Kat I'm sor" he started. It was too late for his apologies. I cut him off briskly.
"We are here. We will go in there, we will act civil and when we leave, you will stay the fuck away from me, alright?" I interrupted as we pulled up. I got out of the limo before he could reply.
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oneamsoundstage- yes, he does seem to have his own agenda, doesn't he? You will just have to wait and see!
SalvaVeritate- thanks for your support :D it is not half as good as your Desunt Cetera. Haha, no Jake is not gay or related to Kathryn and yes, you are a KS traitor!
Reichsfuhrer- thanks for all of your lovely reviews! When I get nice reviews it makes me want to work so much faster.
PixieDreamer21- Jake does have similarities to Kathryn and also to Sebastian- don't worry though, he does have many differences.
wayhott4u- thank you, that is a lovely compliment. I am not entirely sure it is true but would love for it to be!
RAWRXIMAXDINOSAUR- thanks, I hope it is a good read.
Urangel- don't worry it wont be a fast mover. As you can see, Sebastian's jealousy was a momentary slip.
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