Chapter 7: Numbness
A/N: Hey guys! Sorry this update was so late and this chapter so long! It had been a busy week, and I couldn't really figure out a way to split this up. But thanks to EVERYONE for your reviews and support. It really means a lot to me. Hope you like this! Feel free to review, nothing is too trivial or silly. I am going to try and to stay frequent with my updates. Thanks for staying with me.
A numbness flooded through me as my mind went blank. All I knew was that I wanted to turn and run, but my legs were disconnected from the rest of my body. I just sat on my knees, unable to do anything but watch horrified, silently allowing my tears to make their path down my face.
As soon as Quaxo said the Hidden Paw's name, Demeter flinched, looking down at her trembling paws. Munkustrap immediately stood up, spreading his arms in a defensive stance, as if ready to block everything from Demeter. Almost as terrifying as Quaxo's confession was the fury held in Munk's eyes.
Tense moments ticked by, as everyone held still, no one daring to move first. Finally, Quaxo began to fidget, clearly unsure of how to proceed. He then opened his mouth, feeling a need to explain, "Look, Mu-"
He was immediately cut off as Munk dived across the room, his paws quickly finding a firm grasp on the fur around Quaxo's neck. A low hiss emitted from deep within his chest as he bared his teeth. He raised Quaxo up to the tips of his back paws. "How dare you!" Munk whispered, in a quiet voice, his eyes never leaving Quaxo's. "I welcome you into this yard… and you are working for Mac- for him! Do you understand the danger you put us in? Does the friendship we showed you mean nothing?" He spat, tightening his hold and raising Quaxo up higher.
My legs had found their strength, but my mind still seemed to be disconnected from the rest of my body. The next thing I knew, I was running across the den, flinging myself on Munk. I quickly wrapped my arms around one of our protector's muscular arms, weakly giving it a pull towards the ground. I buried my face into his fur as tears streaked down my face. "Please…stop…" I mumbled through my tears.
I didn't know what was going on. I knew that if what Quaxo said was true, I should want nothing to do with him anymore, but I also knew that I was completely and utterly in love with the tom. I knew that I wanted to protect him from Macavity, Munkustrap, the other Jellicles, from anything threatening him. I knew that when he smiled at me, I felt butterflies every time. I knew that his very presence constantly filled my mind. I didn't understand a lot, but I understood that while he was supposed to be dangerous, I had given him my heart.
I kept my face buried in Munk's arm, scared to look up at the other two adult cats, and terrified to meet Quaxo's eyes. However, I felt Munk's muscles relax as his arms seemed to lower the magical tom, though not relaxing enough to indicate that he had released him. "Victoria…" I heard Munk breath my name with something that resembled pity.
I tried my best to stifle my tears as I buried my face further into his fur. I couldn't raise my face up to anyone. What was I doing? I was trying to protect this 'traitor'. I couldn't look at Quaxo, afraid to see in his eyes that everything we had shared was a lie. But I couldn't look at Munk or Demeter either; I didn't want to see the pity that they must have for me, or even worse, a look of accusation as if they thought that I was helping Quaxo.
"Victoria, dear." Came a motherly voice as gentle paws rested on my shoulders. I flinched, giving Munk's arm a quick squeeze. "Honey? You need to let got." The paws squeezed my shoulders for emphasis.
I knew it was Demeter. If anyone understood what I was going through, it had to be her, right? She had loved and been hurt. She had believed like I did now. She wouldn't see me as a traitor. She was my ally, right?
A small voice in the back of my mind sneered, 'Look what good that belief did her.'
Still fearing to look at the faces around me, I let go of Munk and spun around, once again burying my face in the fur of Demeter's shoulder.
I felt her gentle, loving arms enclose me in a reassuring embrace.
I began to get my tears under control, and continued to sniff as the numbness began to set in again.
After a tense moment, I heard Munkustrap begin to speak. This time his voice was much more calm, but no less dangerous. "Do you see just a small portion of what you've done? Our lives aren't games." Munk's voice began to rise, causing me to flinch, "How could you-"
"Munkustrap!" Demeter interrupted, hugging me tightly to her chest. Her voice was calm and soothing. "I believe he understands the gravity of his actions. What I want to know is what exactly he has done for Macavity and why he is even telling us."
As I stood pressed against Demeter, I couldn't help but admire her strength. Even though she spoke so strongly and with such eloquence, I could feel her trembling against my body. Even when she spat the word 'Macavity', she din't betray her instinctual flinch.
Her strength gave me strength. I timidly turned my head, peeking across the room to see the current situation. Munk held one paw at his side, though it was still tense and clenched in a fist, ready for any trouble. His other paw continued to hold Quaxo's neck fur, though he no longer held him in the air. Munk was looking at us, while Quaxo stared at the floor.
The silver tabby's eyes met mine, and they changed. I wasn't sure what he saw in my eyes, but in his, I no longer saw fury but a deep sadness and what looked like unfathomable pain. He turned back to face Quaxo, slowly releasing the tuxedo tom, though remaining tense should the tom try anything deemed unacceptable.
Quaxo stayed planted to the floor, wringing his paws as he stared at them. He gave a small sniff as he began to blink what I could only assume were tears out of his eyes.
I tightened my grip on Demeter's fur. Something inside of me stilled screamed at me, telling me to run to my tom and hold him in arms, telling me to wipe all his tears away.
"Well?" Munk's voice was authoritative, demanding a response. "Why are you telling us?"
Quaxo opened his mouth, trying to respond. His voice cracked and he seemed to choke on his words. He gave a weak cough and then tried again. "W-well. I-I don't want to anymore! I w-was sent to spy on you all, but…" He looked up, eyes staring into Munk's nervously. He then turned towards Demeter and I. He briefly glanced at Demeter and the turned his eyes to me.
His ochre eyes caught mine and I couldn't look away. But, at that moment, I didn't want to. In those eyes, I saw more love than I had ever seen or even felt before. The honesty in found in their depths was only made clearer by the glistening tears that he quickly tried to blink away.
He continued in a rush of words, never breaking his gaze, "I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I got comfortable here. I made friends. B-but most importantly, I found someone." The desperation in his eyes almost broke my heart. His voice got quiet and became a whisper that we had to strain to hear. "I fell in love."
After he finished, a silence pervaded the room, as he continued to stare at me, begging me to believe him. I couldn't tear my eyes away.
Finally, the numbness left my body and the urge to embrace Quaxo overtook me. I tore myself away from Demeter and dashed across the den, wrapping my arms around Quaxo's neck. I quickly nuzzled his cheek, doing anything I could think of to comfort him. I closed my eyes as I hugged him tight to my body, hoping he could understand what I was trying to tell him, for I knew my voice would betray the fear and doubt I had felt only a few moments ago.
I loved him.
The moment I had made contact with him, I felt Quaxo's entire body stiffen. However, after a moment, I felt his shoulders relax as he tenderly placed his arms around me, giving me a soft embrace in return.
He slowly pulled his head back, placing one paw under my chin, lifting my face up to his. "Victoria." He whispered. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to see any sadness in his copper eyes. I wanted to move on. I wanted to pretend this never happened. "Vik, please?" He whispered again.
I slowly opened my eyes, allowing myself to be lost in the depths of his. All I could see was love and concern. "I really am sorry. You understand, right Vik? Can you still love me? I-I worked for Macvi-"
I quickly pressed my paw to his lip. Silencing him. He didn't need to let that name haunt him anymore. He was at home. He was where he belonged: with his friends. Most importantly, he was with me.
I gave him a weak smile, as tears began to run down my face. "You're home." was all I managed to choke out before my words became caught in my throat. I leaned forward and gave him an innocent kiss. Actions always spoke louder than words. I felt him smile against my kiss and return the action.
As quickly as I had kissed him, Quaxo pulled away. He kept his arms around me, holding me close, but looked up to the cats I had left behind. Just because I had forgiven him didn't mean he was officially forgiven.
I turned in his arms, standing in front of Munk and Demeter as I should have been: at Quaxo's side. His arms held me tight around the waist, and I kept his paws in my mine.
Munk glanced from Quaxo to me then back to Quaxo. Demeter had walked to Munk's side and held his paw in her own, leaning her head on his shoulder. The two felines glanced at each other before turning back to us.
"I have one last question." Munk said sternly, keeping Quaxo under a careful watch. "What exactly did you do for Macavity?"
There was another silence as I felt Quaxo tense under the pressure. I gave his paw a reassuring squeeze. I wanted him to remember he wasn't alone. I knew that he regretted whatever it was he had done and I would stand by him no matter what.
"Well, I was sent to spy on the junkyard. I would meet with him every so often to exchange information." He paused to swallow and had started to shake. His voice was soft, barely more audible than a whisper. "I-I told him where all the dens were and your numbers. Th-then I told him who was most likely to be able to fight and each cat's weaknesses… That's a-all." He swallowed a second time as if preparing for his punishment.
Munkustrap gave a grave nod and then turned to Demeter. She continued to eye us as he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. After giving a quick nod, she began to head out of the den. As she approached me, she gave me a sweet smile and a quick pat on the shoulder. She then continued out the den and into the clearing.
Munk stood tall in front of us, staring intently. I matched his gaze, trying my best to convey that we could trust Quaxo. He finally let out a sigh, and softened his gaze. He let a feint smile grace his features as he held his paw over his eyes, as if he had a headache. "So here's the deal." Munk was all business, but I had seen the concern in his eyes. He really did care. "Vik and Demeter seem to trust you. And frankly, I want to too. You were so low under our radar, I can think of no reason why you'd tell us what you were doing unless you really didn't want to work anymore. However, know that we don't take this kind of activity lightly!" Munk became stern, letting his smile fade. "We will let you remain in the Junkyard. You will be under constant supervision, which you can't avoid. You'll also have a curfew. You must report to me and return to your den when the sun sets. Finally, you are to perform no magic. Do you understand? Especially in your den. I will have Tanto and Cori set up a barrier in it. Do you understand and agree to these terms?"
Quaxo gave an eager nod. "I do! Gladly!" He said, hugging my waist. I turned my head to smile at him. We could go back to the way things were. Well at least on the path to it.
However, Quaxo's face dropped, his smile fading. I felt my face reflect his. I was not sure I could handle any more bad news.
"There's something I would like to add sir." He said, looking at Munk gravely.
Munk raised an eyebrow, "Yes?"
"Well, sir, I did know of some of Macavity's plans. Sir."
With that, Munkustrap straightened up. He nodded, silently telling Quaxo to continue.
"Well, um. I know he was planning on attacking, again. The attack at the ball was only to cement my position in the tribe. After gaining the information he wanted, he was planning on striking again in about a month's time."
Munk looked serious, but not surprised. He gave a curt nod. "I understand. Macavity did seem to give up a bit easy at the ball… So this is what we'll do. I want you to do for us what you did for that terror. I want to know everything you know about his organization."
Quaxo gave a quick nod. He seemed happy to help. I squeezed his paw again. I was happy that Munk was trusting Quaxo a bit, even if he really didn't have too much of a choice.
Just then, Demeter reentered the den with Alonzo and Jelly right behind her. The two cats looked warily at Quaxo and I. Alonzo looked untrusting while Jelly looked downright terrified. She ran over to us and quickly grabbed my paws, pulling me towards her. Quaxo let her take me into a motherly embrace. Though I hated how easily he let me go, I knew that it was the right thing to do. Jelly was only worried for me.
"Come on, Viki darling." She purred, pulling me towards the door. I squirmed in her arms as she was walking with her arms securely around my shoulders. I looked behind me to catch a fleeting glimpse of Quaxo as Alonzo sat down, never taking his eyes off of small tom.
Jelly and I emerged from the den, and I squinted in the sunlight. I felt a headache beginning to manifest in the back of my skull. I stopped looking around and just let Jelly guide me where she wanted me to go. I felt the numbness begin to sit back in. Every nerve in my body was screaming to run back to Quaxo's side. I felt like I needed him just as much as a bird needs wings; he helped me to fly, to be who I really was.
She gently sat me down on the TSE car, nuzzling my cheek. She gave me a sad look. "Viki, my dear, I am just worried. I mean, Demeter told me and…"
I summoned the best smile I could, though I knew it wasn't too convincing.
She seemed to get the hint, and turned to leave. "I love you." She said sadly over her shoulder.
I sat there and watched her leave. I couldn't bring myself to say that to any one else besides Quaxo. At least not yet. I scanned the clearing. More and more adults began to filter towards Munk's den. I knew they would probably be discussing some kind of strategy. How much would he tell them? Would they accept Quaxo? Could they forgive him? They had to, right? Munk was forgiving, they would all understand.
My ears swiveled forward, picking up the fervent gossip of the younger cats further in the clearing. I could hear them wondering what had happened. Some thought Quaxo and I got in a fight and that he was in trouble. Some thought he must have tried a magic trick that had gotten out of control. There was even the idea that they were telling him the secrets of the Jellicles, finally accepting him into the tribe. No matter what they conjectured about Quaxo, they all wondered why I was not sitting with them. Finally, Jem stated that she would come over and ask me what I knew.
My mind began reeling. I didn't know what to do. What should I tell her? I don't want everyone to know what Quaxo used to do. That was no longer who he was, and kittens were always hard to win back. His friends were so important to him. I couldn't tell them. It wasn't my place. I clenched my paws, trying to figure something out.
As I considered turning and running, I felt a gentle paw rest on my shoulder. I looked up to see Asparagus smiling down at me. He quickly sat down, taking my paw in his.
I then turned to see Jelly intercept the incoming Jem and quickly redirect the curious kitten. A cheerful smile came to her face. I could tell she was faking it, but I am sure Jem didn't. Jelly took Jem to the kittens, asking for a little song in dance. She told them the yard was too solemn and she could use some joy. Everyone happily complied.
Asparagus watched as his mate entertained the younger cats, happily clapping along with their joyous song. He looked back at me and smiled again. He seemed truly happy and it was infectious. I smiled as well, this time sincerely. I didn't want him to say anything, and he didn't feel any need to we were content to sit in silence.
I leaned my head on his shoulder, blinking away more tears. He immediately draped his paw around my shoulders, giving a feint purr.
I blankly stared at the snow-covered ground. I tried my best to see each individual snowflake. I knew it was impossible, but at least it was something to do. I settled with watching my shadow. I examined how each hair could be seen waving in the breeze. I was glad that my shadow didn't actually mirror my face, I was sure that I looked horrible.
Hours passed, and I could tell it was getting late in the day as my shadow was getting longer and longer, getting closer to Munk's den. It was as if it was telling me to go to Quaxo, to be with him. I might have his heart, but he had mine. I needed to be with him.
I felt the shoulder under my head shrug as the soothing purring stopped. Asparagus finally spoke to me for the first time all day, "Come on Vik, I think it's time to turn in. Who knows how long they will be talking. You really need rest."
I continued to stare at my shadow as its ears began to touch the bottom of the den's entrance. I shook my head. "No. Please. Let me stay up. I want to see him when he comes out." I mumbled, stifling a yawn.
I am sure that Asparagus could tell I was slipping into the realm of sleep, but he said nothing. I was grateful. I had to see Quaxo. I wanted to be the first person he saw when he left that den. I wanted him to know that I was here, waiting for him.
A few more hours had passed. My shadow had faded, but was not left. The half-moon had taken the suns place, allowing my shadow to remain, keeping my vigil alive. I wasn't sure I would have been able to handle the wait if my shadow had left me. I felt my eyelids getting heavier. I willed myself to stay awake.
"Vik, you can be the first to see him tomorrow." Asparagus whispered.
I yawned again, feeling my will power slipping out of my grasp. I couldn't go to sleep, not yet. "Please Papa…" I used the term for him I hadn't used in years, since I was a kitten. "Just a little longer…" my speech was becoming slurred as I felt my eyelids begin to close.
