A/N: I have no words. Just the deepest apology for waiting a year to update.

Disclaimer: GA and Title of the story are not mine. Just the lovely reviews and support from friends in this fandom. Thank you, everyone!

To ninjagrl55, someone, ScarlettFox, sakura-san2910, dokiwuvnabi, AnimeMango, vna, jenagarcia082599, aurora0914, Yankase, gabsterela, aysu, Eyee, azuna12, Lover's Red Rose, Vermillion Steps, icelikedreams, and MikanXNatsume, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (which, I consider, is my heart). I LOVE YOU ALL. NO WORDS, JUST THE DEEPEST APOLOGIES I CAN EVER SAY.

XX,

Alyx Hawthorne


Why is my heart aching to hold you forever?
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose


If I'm Not in Love with You

Chapter Seven: Of Being Lost and Long-Forgotten Feelings

"Why did you say yes?" Hotaru asked, a small crease appearing on her smooth forehead.

Mikan sighed. "I don't want to disappoint Narumi-sensei."

"What?!"

"I said I don't want to – "

"What kind of an idiotic excuse is that?" Hotaru cut her off, fixing a frown at her.

Mikan faced her best friend, a serious expression fell down on her beautiful features. "You know how close I am to Narumi-sensei. I've never had a father. You know it, Hotaru. And Narumi-sensei willingly filled in that position for me. I'll never be able to repay him for his kindness but to do these little things for him."

She looked down at her hands, pursed her lips, and continued, "Ever since this competition began, his class never made it to the finals. He may never show it to everyone but I know him. And he wants to win this, Hotaru. This is kind of important to him, you know."

Mikan can still remember the day the first time the competition began. Narumi-sensei was so excited that he even went to Mikan's apartment just to burst the news to her.

But when his class didn't win, she knew in her heart that he was disappointed with himself, for not winning.

And she doesn't like Narumi-sensei to feel that about himself. He was the most kind, most understanding person she knew. And she would do everything for her surrogate father to see him happy.

"I can't let him down." She turned her back to Hotaru and began to fish her locker keys on her bag.

Gritting her teeth, Hotaru retorted, "You can help him in another way. But seriously, do you want the whole Alice University to witness how you make love on the dance floor?!"

Mumbling some inaudible curses for being disorganized every morning, she began to look for her locker keys. She found it after turning upside down her bag. She was about to insert the key into the lock when she realized what her best friend said.

Mikan began to chew her lower lip, a habit that she has whenever she's thinking about things thoroughly.

Hotaru, sensing Mikan's hesitation, purged on, "It's an Argentine Tango, Mikan Sakura! Do you remember how you scrunched up your face when we saw something like that on TV? You were the one who snatched up the remote control from me and switched it to another channel and now you're doing it? And with Nogi? Seriously?" She half-yelled to her.

Mikan closed her eyes and heaved a big sigh.

This is going to be a long conversation, she thought.

It was true, what Hotaru said. But that was a long time ago and people grow up. And she did.

Mikan Sakura grew up and she realized that not everything is as fluffy as the Howalons at Central Town or as wonderful and bright as the stars at night. She maybe a naïve before but not now. The pigtailed girl grew up.

She knows what she's doing now.

Mikan turned to her concerned best friend and gently explained.

"Hotaru, we were 10 years old back then. We're adults now. I've learned many things along the way, as we grew older. You were there who helped me understand such things." Mikan shrugged, giving her slim shoulders a light shake. "It's just a simple dance. It maybe censorious but I'm pretty sure Narumi-sensei would teach us dance lessons that will be very useful." Mikan explained.

"You're out of your mind." Was what Hotaru only said.

She smiled. "It's going to be alright." She squeezed her best friend's arm.

After a few monumental pause, Mikan blinked caught Hotaru's tone.

Peering at her best friend through her fringes, she smiled mischievously, "Hmm, do I detect a tone of jealousy in your voice, Hotaru?"

"What?" she glared, her violet eyes darkening.

Chuckling, Mikan playfully patted her best friend's shoulder. "Don't worry. Ruka-pyon is safe with me. I won't do anything to him. It'll just be pure dance and nothing else."

Hotaru, who rarely shows any emotion to her best friend much less to everyone, suddenly groaned in frustration that made her best friend laugh more. "Do whatever you want, you idiot! And for your information, I don't care about that stupid animal-incarnate!" Hotaru shouldered past Mikan and made her way to the corridor without even looking back.

Mikan laughed merrily and waved at her best friend. "Never said you did, Hotaru! See you later at the school gates!"


"Dammit!" Koko exclaimed in frustration, flopping down on one of the suede couches on the Nogi's living room. "Why do I always lose? I was so ready to show off my newly learned hero's Ultimate moves and then you come crushing me down. This is so depressing, man. So depressing," Koko continued to lament as he hunched with defeat.

Natsume placed the PS3 controller on the table in front and also flopped down on the couch, smirking at his friend. "Well, you snooze, you lose."

Koko glared at him and suddenly smiled mischievously. "Really, now, Natsume? And what happened at Umenomiya's party when you snoozed, huh?"

The smirk on Natsume's lips faded and Koko missed the warning on Ruka's eyes.

"I told you to not talk about that, didn't I?" Natsume said coldly, his red eyes granite.

A cold shudder ran down Koko's spine as he sensed Natsume's anger. He quickly straightened up and said, "I-I'm sorry, man. Didn't mean to," he said apologetically. Koko rubbed the back of his neck, trying to get rid of the goose bumps from Natsume's icy glare. Geez, that was real scary.

Koko thought that Natsume would say anything but he just shrugged and leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes.

Shaking his head slightly towards Koko's antics, Ruka stood up. "I'm going to get some refreshments. Be back in a minute," he said and walked off to the kitchen.

"Natsume?" Koko called out.

Natsume grunted in response.

"Do you think Ruka could do it?" Koko asked, crossing his ankles under the coffee table in front of the couch they were sitting on.

"Do what?" He responded imperturbably, eyes still closed. It has been a tiring practice at the field this morning. Nationals is almost near and he has to push his teammates to their limit. They must win over Nagiyama University, the rumored best team this season.

"The Argentine Tango with Mikan," Koko ended.

Natsume's eyes shot open as he realized Koko's question. A frown appearing on his smooth forehead as he thought of that dance Polkadots will perform.

That idiot, he thought, concern and annoyance seething in him.

Argentine Tango was not the ordinary type of dance. It was making love on the dance floor. He saw one of those performances while watching an old movie for a project in his Film class. The movements were intense, hot, and wild and he could still remember how uncomfortable he was because he was watching that movie with Polka, who was his partner that time.

And who, unfortunately, slept all throughout the movie.

The women dancers wore revealing costumes while the men were subtler. With see-through and thigh-high slit dresses, the women swirled in a frenzy of wild movements. Natsume could still remember the climax of their performance where the woman pressed her leg against her partner as her partner placed his palm on her back and on her waist, dangerously close to the curve of her butt. With laboured breathing, the woman snaked her arm around her partner's neck, leaned back, and dipped her upper body in an arc, revealing almost half of her chest to her partner. Her partner twisted her and in a flash of lighting, the woman's back was pressed against his chest, her right leg hooked at the back of his knee, her right hand gripping the hair on his nape tightly while her face was hovering close to his.

Swaying slightly to the sides, he could feel the flat stomach against the sheer cloth on the woman's and his hands made a daring trip on the woman's right leg where her hips and leg were connected. He gripped the soft material as he tried to bend her with him to lift her up on his shoulders. She heard her moan and when he twisted her again to face her fully, he saw that he was looking into a pair of brown, disgruntled, sleepy eyes.

He stopped breathing, his thoughts arrested.

He realized that he was thinking of himself and Sakura Mikan on the dance floor.

"Hey, Natsume? Are you okay?" Koko broke into his thoughts.

Natsume stiffened and sat up quickly, almost knocking off the controllers on the table. What in hell was he thinking just now?

He moved away and quickly recovered his composure. "Yeah," he murmured.

Ruka entered the living room with a handful tray of refreshments. He set it on the table and sat down on one of the suede chairs across the couch. "Your face is all red. Are you okay? Do I have to decrease the temperature of the air conditioner?"

The fact that he could think those things in the middle of the day with his friends nearby just proved that Polka got under his skin more than she should have.

With a frustrated sigh, he leaned forward and got one of the sodas Ruka prepared. With a quick flip of his thumb, he opened the soda and gulped it down.

"I said it was nothing." He grunted decisively. Koko and Ruka looked at each other and shrugged, knowing their friend would wanted to drop the subject off with that tone of his.

Natsume leaned back on the couch again but not before realizing his pants felt uncomfortably tight. Damn, he thought.

"As I was asking Natsume earlier, will you be okay with doing that Tango whatever dance Narumi-sensei asked you to do? I mean, I know you can dance but it was altogether different. You will be having Mikan as a partner and you guys will, uhm – ," Koko scratched his head, lost. "I don't know what Argentine Tango is, really." He finished, laughing.

Ruka gave a nervous laugh. "I actually don't know why I said yes, too. This is going to be hard, I know." He looked down on his hand and continued, "But I guess, Sakura will make it easier for us. You know how she is, normally. She makes everyone around her feel at ease. I just hope this will end sooner." He sighed and grabbed a soda for himself.

"You could always say no."

Both heads turned surprisingly on Natsume's direction, who was lounging on the sofa, eyes closed, the back of his arm resting against his eyes.

Koko and Ruka looked at each other, inclining their heads slightly with understanding.

Ruka, with a smile on his voice, said, "Yeah. I always could. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow."


After 3 and half hours of grueling training, the Soccer Team Coach finally shouted a 15-minute break and everyone within 10-mile radius from the field could hear the relieved sighs of the members.

The match with the Nagiyama University will be held in three weeks, before the winter break, at the home court of Nagiyama. Coach Misaki and Natsume are helping together to push their members to the limit, as the Nagiyama Soccer Team was rumored to have insane level of stamina.

Natsume jogged back from the bleachers along with his teammates and sat down heavily against long rows of benches.

"That was the most – hah – tiring – hah – Soccer practice – we've had in – hah – two years, man." Koko panted, reaching for his water bottle and opening the lid like his life depended on it.

Ruka pulled out his towel and wiped his bucket of sweat. "Yeah. But it was good. I never actually thought I would make it until the end." He said, breathing heavily.

Natsume, who did not look tired nor did look like he did twice the heavy practice his teammates did, was lounging comfortably on the bench's backrest, his eyes closed.

If not for the sweat trickling down from his forehead profusely or for the jersey sticking to his body like a second skin or for the heavy breathing his built chest was making, one would think he was sleeping.

"Hey, Natsume. What do you think? Will we beat the Nagiyama?" Koko asked after three minutes of recovery.

"Of course." Was his confident reply.

"That's good to hear." Ruka smiled, stretching his feet in front of him.

"There is no other way but to win." Natsume boldly declared.

He stood up suddenly, his crimson eyes alert and determined. Everyone's eyes focused on him as Natsume started addressing each member of the Team.

"Coach said you have to work hard on your defense, Koko. Practice your defense around the box, the central attacks, and the attacks you make on the flanks." Koko straightened up and nodded firmly. "Yes, Captain."

"Ruka," Natsume turned to his Vice-Captain. "Never forget to create your own space when you're running for attack. You tend to make more space for your teammates than yourself. That may get you in trouble in the match. Your diagonal, deep, and V-runs are excellent."

"Yes, Captain. Thank you."

"Himura, your half-volley and volley from the front shooting are good. However, your scissor and back-foot moves when making feint and dribble need more improvement. Ruka can help you work on those."

"Don't worry, Captain. Will work on it." The member nodded.

"Fujima, your low and high ball diving techniques are already good. Work harder. Make sure to always have the close control."

"Yes, Captain!" The other member addressed nodded.

After everyone was addressed, Coach Misaki said, "As Natsume said, there is no other way for us but to win. There are only three weeks before the big game. For us to be in the Nationals, we have to get this. I expect from everyone nothing less but the best. Understood?"

"Yes, Coach!" They all echoed.


After the training, Ruka hurriedly went to the lockers and changed.

"Where are you headed, Ruka?" Koko, who was drying his hair with towel, asked.

"Narumi-sensei's dance, remember? There's practice today." He said, reaching for a clean pair of jogging pants, and pulled it up from his muscular thighs.

"I thought you were planning to say no?" Koko quizzed.

Ruka sighed. "I was about to earlier but Sakura-san begged me not to."

Natsume, who just stepped out of the showers, heard it but decided not to say anything.

Tying the shoelaces in his blue sneakers. "She asked me not to pull out." Ruka reached for his other shoe and continued, "I told her first about my decision since she was my partner but then she pleaded me not to do it."

"But, why?"

"I don't know, Koko. She just told me to not pull out because it means a lot to Narumi-sensei and I could see in her eyes that it also means a lot to her."

Ruka finished tying his shoelaces and stood up, reaching for his gym bag.

"Besides," He continued. "I also learned from her that if I won't do it, Narumi-sensei has a substitute already, in case I pull out."

Natsume, who was not speaking since he stepped out from the showers, stopped mid-way in pulling a fresh shirt from his locker.

"What? Really?" Koko exclaimed. "Who was it?"

Ruka shook his head. "I don't know. She said Narumi-sensei just told her that the substitute will come from another section, knowing that I will have second-thoughts. Sakura-san was hell-bent to do this and she told me she would not feel comfortable if her partner will be someone she does not know."

He stared a knowing look at Natsume's direction and reached for his gym bag.

"Gotta run, guys. Catch you later!" And he ran off.


Tsubasa held Mikan's hands for a full minute. He gazed into her brown eyes and gently said, "Thank you, Mikan."

Mikan smiled. "Thank you also for everything, Tsubasa-senpai."

Tsubasa chuckled. "You really didn't learn to call me by name, huh."

Mikan blushed faintly and started to apologize again but Tsubasa embraced her, stopping her from her apology.

"It's fine. He said on top of her head. "I understand how you feel about me. I just thought, no, I actually hoped that you will feel different after a couple of weeks of being with me." He chuckled softly and continued. "But, I guess, you are really different."

"Tsubasa-senpai – " Mikan started.

Tsubasa held her on his arms length and looked at her. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. You've done so much for me you know."

Mikan's puzzled glance made him chuck her chin.

"The athletic scholarship in America, which you helped me in applying, remember? They emailed me and offered me a scholarship." He winked, smiling handsomely at her.

Mikan's eyes widen in surprise and admiration. "What? Really? You've already been accepted?"

Tsubasa grinned and nodded. "Yeah. If I accept it, I will be going to attend there starting the Spring Term."

Mikan covered her mouth gleefully and congratulated him, jumping up and down as if she was the one who got the scholarship.

He laughed at her reaction and rumpled her hair. "So, you see, you did not leave me with a broken heart. You gave me hope." He held her hands again and gazed into her soulful brown eyes.

Mikan stopped jumping excitedly. "I did?"

"Yes, you did." Tsubasa agreed. "You gave me hope to continue what I love doing. I thought, after college, that I would never have the chance to pursue it. And now, here it is, the chance I was actually waiting for. If I work hard, I'll be able to play for the Olympics." He said, midnight eyes shining in excitement.

"That's why I'm thanking you, Mikan. For everything you've done for me. I hope we can still be friends?" He asked, grinning.

"Of course, Tsubasa-senpai! Remember me when you become famous, okay?" She teased, laughing. "Oh, when will you leave?"

"As soon as possible. They want me to go over there and settle down immediately. You'd write for me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course! Of course! Congratulations, Tsubasa-senpai! I'm so happy for you!" Mikan nodded and hugged him impulsively.

Tsubasa was surprised at first and, slowly, he hugged her back, smiling and patting Mikan's shiny red-brown hair, thankful for the things she made him feel and for the good things she never realized she'd done for him.


Winter is almost here, Mikan thought serenely as she snuggled closer to her jackets.

Even though some people hate Winter, it was her most favorite of all. Not because it was the season of her birthday (although that is one of the reasons) but she loves seeing snow falling softly down on the road, on the roofs, even on the heads of the people. They were like halos gracing the earth with their purity.

And Winter means Christmas, too! Lights, trees, and Christmas songs fill the air. She also loved buying gifts for her friends. But most of all, she loved the idea of unwrapping presents under her Christmas tree, wearing her favorite pajamas, while sipping a chocolate drink with marshmallows.

She almost sighed blissfully just thinking of it.

"Sakura-san!" Ruka yelled.

Mikan Sakura stopped and looked to her left shoulder. She saw the handsome Soccer Team Vice-Captain running, his blonde hair whipping against the cool air.

Mikan waved gaily. "Hi, Ryuka-pyon!" He caught up with her and smiled. "I told you to call me Mikan already!" Mikan lightheartedly admonished him.

He scratched his head and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, old habits die hard."

Two weeks after they started practicing the Argentine Tango, Ruka and Mikan became the closest of friends. Mikan relied to him like he was her boy best friend and Ruka never hesitated to help Mikan in whatever she needs.

Although the whole Alice University knows that not long ago before he went off to America for some scholarship, Tsubasa was courting Mikan, and most of them secretly talk about Natsume and her (for no one dared to question him directly about his feelings), they now have shifted their gossips to the Blonde Prince and Mikan Sakura's growing fondness with each other. Some say that they were already together and some say that they were getting there. Most say that it cannot be because of Natsume.

Natsume, who is aware of it, is not fazed by one bit. Ruka and he know each other and understand each other even without talking about his feelings for Little Miss Sunshine.

Ruka and Mikan continued to walk along the path leading to the Main Building of their school.

"Practice won't start until 5pm. You're early." Mikan said, pausing to shift the books from her arms.

Ruka offered to bring her books. "Yeah, I know. But I have to pass the practice this week." He said.

Mikan smiled thankfully before she asked, "Really? Why?"

Ruka looked ahead and seemed like he was in deep thought.

"Our match against Nagiyama University will be on Saturday. We have to train to great extent if we want to win and be in the Nationals."

He turned his head to her and smiled. "But we are all doing our best and we are all determined to win this so I guess we will really get it."

Mikan nodded thoughtfully. "Ahh, I see. Well then, I'll tell Narumi-sensei about it. I'm sure he'll understand especially soccer matches are important to our school." Mikan said.

Ruka shot a grateful smile to her. "Thanks, Sakura–" Mikan gave him a meaningful glance. "Mikan-san!" Ruka laughed.

Before they parted, Ruka gave her two tickets to the soccer match and said, "Cheer for us, okay? You've never been to any of the Soccer Team's matches. You maybe our lucky charm." He grinned.

"See you! Thanks, again, Mikan-san!" And he ran off to the field.

Mikan waved good-bye and thanked him again. She ran off to the other side of the building, where her classes were assigned, as the cold started to bite on fingers.

She headed straight towards her locker and started to get the books she needed for the next class when she realized she was still holding the tickets Ruka gave to her.

She looked down and gave the tickets a long, meaningful stare, as if the peieces of paper have the answer for Natsume's odd behavior in the past couple of weeks.

Watching the soccer match on Saturday means she'll see Natsume Hyuuga.

She bit her lip and sighed.

She haven't seen him for weeks now except for the Art class they have together, which was just once a week. Even in the class, he never looked at her, though she was greeting him repeatedly.

Ever since the news that Tsubasa and she went out for a date once, she never seen him in the corridors, in the locker room, in the gym, or even in his favorite hiding place in the Sakura Tree.

She wondered why it always felt like there was a gaping emptiness in her heart whenever she thought she'd see Natsume and then failed to. It was like there was a black hole within her, sucking her soul little by little.

Maybe it's because this is the first time she haven't seen Natsume in a very long time (and also the longest time she could remember he did not talk to her) ever since she knew him back in high school.

Or maybe because she missed Natsume's rude retorts to her freindly greetings and cajoling.

She sighed again, her shoulders drooping in defeat as she leaned against the cold metal of the locker.

No, that was not it, she realized.

She was tired of denying and lying to herself anymore.

The emptiness in her heart was the same emotion she felt long ago in the Sakura Tree, when Natsume turned her down and didn't accept her feelings.

All her efforts to forget him were futile.

She knew it. That moment his intent, piercing, crimson gaze landed on her across the dance floor at Anna's party, she was lost again.

At that endless moment they gazed into each other's eyes, as if seeing through each other, she knew that the barriers she valiantly put up around her heart were crumbling slowly for the same person she tried to protect it from. He's the reason why you can't feel anything but brotherly affection towards Tsubasa-senpai, her treacherous subconscious pointed out.

It was all in vain.

She closed her eyes and heaved a deep breath.

As she let go of the breath she was holding, she also let go of the suppressed feelings she have for the Soccer Captain. The stone walls have already been mortared, the armor has been chipped and slowly, it gave way. Her heart is his, and once again, Natsume can do whatever he wants to do with it.

He can break or smash it for all she cares for Mikan knew at that moment that she has no control over it, just like before.

She was lost to him again.

She felt relieved for finally admitting that to herself. And scared, she thought.

The long-forgotten feelings for the handsome, crimson-eyed Soccer Captain, which she mistakenly thought disappeared long-ago, were just actually buried in the recesses of her heart, waiting to pounce on her again, if given the chance.

And when the chance came, her heart didn't second-think.

With a choked sob of relief, and dread, she braced herself.

God help her.

He will, her subconscious whispered.


To Be Continued


A/N: Someone's on a writer's block! Blame the new series I've been binge-reading. Huhu. Bear with me, please!

X,

Alyx Hawthorne