This chapter was written a while ago and I'm pleased with how it turned out. It took me forever to get down to writing the next chapter which is why this one is so delayed. The poem "Bliss and Grief" was written by Marie Ponsot. For a short poem it carries a lot of meaning without requiring the reader to need to reach enlightenment to figure it out. Well, all irrelevance aside, here goes chapter 7. There are more changes in perspective in this one. I don't think it should be too confusing since I have each one labeled for you.


How can you tell what would have happened? Assigning blame is such a ridiculous concept because who knows?


Ashley's PoV

Once, in some English class we had to choose a poem from this book full of "amazing contemporary poets" and write a report on it. This is the poem I chose by some old lady. It's still my favorite poem unless I'm looking for a laugh.

"Bliss and Grief"

No one

is here

right now.

Don't you think that's an awesome poem? No over-thinking, just direct and to the point. You don't need to spend hours killing yourself for the deep hidden meaning. It's easy to memorize. You can pull it out whenever.

I thought it summed up my situation quite nicely.

Spencer's PoV

"So, are you two dating?"

Carmen choked on her sandwich. My water came out of my nose. I can't believe she just asked that!

"What?"

"Then, are you going to?" Chelsea continued innocently. Gasping violently in pain I glared at her. "Well, you rwo always look like you want to ask the other something and then you back out."

"Thanks for the info," Carmen coughed out.

Chelsea shrugged and took a bite of fruit.

That afternoon Carmen dropped by my locker.

"About lunch, did you possibly want to hang out sometime?" She asked in a rush. I knew what she was asking. At least I thought I did. She was asking me out, right? Why can't people just be clear so I know whether it's supposed to be a date or not? I mean, remember Kelly? The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

"We hang out all the time," I probed. My breath quickened.

"Do you want to, you know, 'hang out'?" Awkwardness levels peaked. I wished she'd be a bit more definite.

"Like what?"

"Like we could go somewhere, umm, the beach? And eat ice cream?" She stammered, shifting from foot to foot. All of her answers are questions. It's not very helpful. I felt like someone was watching me.

"What does any of this have to do with lunch?" I was trying to drag this out until I knew exactly what she was saying. I ran my hand through my hair. She began to babble.

"Do you want to go on a date with me? You know,..." I was distracted from most of her word vomit because I had found the onlooker.

She stood there looking like a phantom. She was too far away to hear, but I could see tired circles under her eyes. I couldn't register Carmen's voice consciously at all. "I can't." Her brown curls were disheveled and her bones protruded almost out of her skin. Clothes sagged from her skeletal frame and waved in a previously refreshing, but now utterly arctic, breeze. Her skin was pallid, lighter than I had ever seen it. In that moment every part of her wan, frail form clashed agonizingly with the brilliant LA sun.

Then, she focused her gaze on Carmen next to me and simply erupted. Her eyes turned from gaunt, sunken hollows to sizzling pools of envy in seconds; her face went from listless to livid; her body, from ghost to beast. Suddenly she was unbelievably alive and extremely enraged. If she had a gun she probably would have shot Carmen in that instant. If looks could kill Carmen would be burning in the deepest layers of hell.

She looked more angry, hurt and confused than I'd ever seen her.

And that changed everything.

Ashley's PoV

After not being in school for several weeks I was "expelled". I don't know how expulsion actually fixes anything if someone's not going to school, but it's not my problem.

After some tediousness, the school told me to clean out my locker and leave. There were a few things in there that I wanted to keep so I went back in the afternoon when most people had left.

And I saw her.

And for a second I thought I could just go up to her and smile, and grab her hand. But of course I couldn't. And that realization cut all the deeper when I recognized the girl standing beside her. Spencer was replacing me.

It hurt.

I felt it.

Spencer's PoV

The fury and jealousy that radiated off her body molded my concern into another burst of righteous anger. What right did she have to be jealous? She got Aiden. It was so typical of Ashley to want what she couldn't have.

When she had me she wanted Aiden, always going to his house, getting touchy-feely and then saying she was just annoying Madison, it was so blatant from the start. And now, she had been pregnant with Aiden's kid, but she still wanted me. She was a spoiled brat. And here she was, stopping me from moving on.

Carmen.

Carmen was from a poor family. She knew things other just material possessions mattered. She wasn't greedy. She was nice. She was artistic. Even if I didn't marry her she was a great person, and who was I to let her go because I caught a glimpse of a cheating ex-.

I yanked my gaze away from hers and look towards Carmen who was turning away sadly. I had no idea what I had said, but I was certain that it couldn't have been affirmative from her disappointed expression. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.

"Wait! Carmen!"

"You don't have to if you don't want to," she unhappily assured me.

"I definitely want to. I just don't have a lot of time right at this moment."

She didn't believe me. "I'm serious Spencer,-"

"So am I." Then, just to prove it to her, I kissed her. I made sure I deepen it until she responded tentatively too.

I didn't know what Carmen did after we broke apart. My eyes searched for Ashley, but she was gone.

Gone like a ghost of my past.

Ashley's PoV

Spencer and I just stared at each other for a moment. A long moment. A really, really long moment. One of those moments that the rest of the world must think is so short, but for just the people that are caught up in that moment lasts longer than any moment should.

I recognized the girl next to her. I didn't need to hear anything. It was clear that the girl was asking Spencer out or had at least a huge crush on her. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that someone else would ever ask out my Spencer. But she wasn't mine anymore. Whether or not I managed to realize that it was true.

Not mine.

Not mine.

But why, out of all the gay or bi girls at King (and believe me, there are more than Spencer thinks) did Carmen Madruga have to be the one who would want Spencer? I was lucky that it had taken this long for someone to ask her out. Or maybe not. What did I know? Spencer could have already gotten a new girlfriend. The idea made me nauseous.

Why not? She was perfect. She's sweet and caring. She's forgiving and unbelievably beautiful.

But Carmen Madruga?

I thought I had seen the last of her when they moved to San Diego. Apparently I hadn't. If she got any closer to Spencer I'd make sure it was the last anyone saw of her.

Then, Carmen started walking away, not even noticing that Spencer barely acknowledged her presence right now. I was relieved. Then Spencer pulled the girl back into her, and kissed her.

She kissed her.

I sped down the hall and out the door in a flash. Nothing, not even a chance to bring my father back to life, could have tempted me to stay in the same mile radius as the love of my life and her new girlfriend.

And the entire time an emotional tidal wave swept through me. They blared blazingly at me. Guilt, hurt, anger, envy, love.

I felt them all. Is that good or bad?

Spencer's PoV

I didn't know how I felt when I didn't see Ash still there. Disappointment? Relief? Guilt?

I felt guilty the moment the kiss ended. In retrospect it was easy to see that I had only kissed Carmen to make Ashley jealous. Maybe though, if Ashley hadn't shown up I would have still kissed Carmen and accepted her offer. What if I would have rejected her offer? What if Ashley threw me off kilter and affected everything I did? If she hadn't shown up and brought out my vindictive side would anything be the same?

There's no way to know what being under the influence of Ashley Davies can do to you.