SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS
DECEMBER 7 FRIDAY
Somewhere in the thick library dust, the chaps were doing homework. Yes, they sometimes did their homework.
"When I thought Defense Against the Dark Arse class couldn't get any weirder," said James. "I find myself having to write ten pages about the dangers of brawn."
"What you got so far?" Sirius asked.
" 'I thoroughly disagree that the character trait that is brawn poses any threat.' That's it."
"No, that's all wrong! It's not ten pages about brawn!"
"Isn't it?"
"It's about brawn!"
"Ok what have you got then?"
Sirius bunched his pages together.
" 'Brawn is dangerous because of the fat content.' But I just don't know how to elaborate on that."
"Oh, it's about the food! Well that makes a lot more sense..."
"I wrote something!" said Peter.
"What did you write then?"
" 'Head cheese isn't actually cheese.' "
They all seemed to have missed some vital information when they had spent Defense Against the Dark Arse class daydreaming about playing Pong.
"Why are we writing about food?" James sighed.
"Maybe a good diet is vital to good defense?"
"Do you mind if I put that down? I could probably manage ten pages of salad recipes if I just list all the vegetables I know! Let's see. 'Brawn and similarly fatty foods will make you drowsy. Salad, however, will keep you fit and energised! I propose a well balanced diet of cucumbers, carrots, tomatos, peppers'..." Hm. " 'Sprouts'" Hmmmm. "Um... 'Broccoli'."
Maybe if he wrote with very big letters.
Sirius saw that the ten pages Remus had written on brawn just sort of lied there, put aside with pages down to avoid curiosity while he researched something else. So he snatched them, and if it seemed at all plausible and less silly, he'd rewrite it for his own use.
But it didn't seem a lot less silly.
" 'The Hungarian Brawn is not to be dismissed because of its size or shape for it has an insatiable appetite for human beings.' Ok, what even is the Hungarian Brawn?"
"A Hungarian delicacy, it's a type of cold cut terrine made with meat jelly and other things," Remus replied.
"How can something be a delicacy and eat people at the same time?"
"Have you never even heard of gluten?"
Sirius skimmed through the remaining pages.
" 'The best way to combat the Hungarian Brawn is to stuff it with food until it bursts, the most effective choice being bubblegum.'Ok that I just don't believe. I don't think you should go around writing that like it's fact. It just seems like poor report etiquette, to not make it clear it's just your opinion."
"It is fact, 'though."
"Is it? Have you read it anywhere?"
"No but it's fact."
"If you didn't read it anywhere it's not fact."
"I have read it. I read it when I wrote it. Fact."
Well he was due for bonkers. Sirius continued reading, now wondering if he could trust anything in there. A little note that had been stuck between the pages fell out. It didn't seem to relate to the subject of Hungarian Brawn at all. The topic was closer to gluten.
" 'I'm quarter-gone
I'm half gone
I'm three-quarters gone
I'm all gone' "
"That's from The Gingerbread Man," James registered correctly. "What's that got to do with the Hungarian Brawn?"
"Oh, I don't know how that got there," said Remus, and stuck the note elsewhere.
"Why have you got that written down?"
"It just seemed meaningful."
He was surrounded by heaps of books on two distinct and seemingly unrelated topics: gingerbread and foxes.
"Remember the gingerbread man in the cello that caught fire?"
"Nope."
"How does the fox come in?" Sirius asked.
"Because, according to the Bedtime Prophecy, it is a fox that catches the gingerbread man in the end. So that's why I'm looking into foxes. Because I want to catch the gingerbread man."
"As I recall that bedtime prophecy, the fox also eats it."
"I know. That's the problem."
Indeed.
"I know. Why not turn into a fox? It's really easy, and we've already done every mistake in the book."
"No way I don't want to turn into anything."
Oh well.
"Guess you'll just have to get a pet fox," said James.
"Ever heard of the pet regulations?"
"No but it sounds familiar."
Oh well.
"Familiar? That's it!"
And then he rushed off.
