Chapter five: Blog

JPOV

February 10, Saturday

Life had picked up it's routine again. My guilt was pushed away.

I hadn't read the blog I printed that may contain traces of her, I had read bits and pieces of it in that library, and found that she was happy enough.

She was human, went to college in Dartmouth, had a good friend and the Cullens have probably followed her there. The blog would not bring any black on white proof that she was either happy or wasn't, so there was no point in me reading it.

I had put it away somewhere in a closet, along with the feelings of remorse.

Thinking about this now, two weeks later, I realized that that was bullshit.

If I had no intentions of reading it, if I was not dead curious, then I would have burned it. I would have known myself enough to know I would someday soon take it out again.

Even at that point two weeks ago, I must have been too curious to destroy it.

It was better to just read it and get it over with. To clear it from my mind entirely.

Today would be a good time for that.

Eve and Leah were taking Dean to the hospital this afternoon. He had been having diarrhea on and off for over a week, and he had poor digestion all around. Now the doctors would perform some tests, to see if these were regular kids diseases or an indication of something more serious. Leah could have easily taken Dean alone, but she was panicking slightly and Eve had suggested to come along. Eve works in the hospital as a nurse and has a very good influence on Dean, especially when he is scared.

She has this loving caring thing about her, that puts people at ease. Especially kids.

That's why I was sure she would make an excellent mother. If only I could give her a baby. I didn't need a baby to be happy, I was perfectly content as it was. But I knew she felt incomplete.

Maybe if I loved her more, she would be content as well. But I can't love her more than I do, so I hoped for a miracle, to be able to make her a mother someday.

I dug the box out from the bottom of the closet and sat down on my bed, leaning against the headboard, with the stack of paper on my lap.

I started reading apprehensively. I don't know what I was afraid of.

A lot of it was either poetry, the kind that Ness used to love, or too philosophical to mean anything real to me.

This girl had been in dark places, but in bright places as well. Just by reading these parts I could imagine her being as passionate and intense as Ness. Those two would make some pair if they gathered their forces.

The more diary-like pieces had started as a means to inform her high school friends on how she was doing in college.

At first there was no Ness in sight. The day she had met her had been described in her blog. Actually, she first described how enticed she had been with Edward and Bella, who had apparently joined Ness in college. Of course a human girl would totally fall for beautiful dazzling Edward.

Tina however hardly mentions him, she mostly speaks about Ness, how they had talked all day and laughed at the most lame jokes. She described Ness as "someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back."

I could recognize Ness in that.

Her smile…

From that day on, Tina doesn't describe Ness or how she sees her, she just describes all the fun things she and Ness had done. As a unit.

They were immediate friends and Tina had not given it much second thoughts. Ness could do that too, win someone's heart in an instant, without even trying.

At the start of the second year, they moved into a shared room and became even closer.

They experimented with art, with poetry, writing,… They went to museums and movies. Apparently they also went to parties. A lot.

The average life of an artistic literature student.

They had tried different sports, from dancing and aerobics to more adventurous sports. They had probably started running together too, I thought, remembering the students run I found on Google.

From what I could see, they had the time of their lives. Tina was a happy person, free, careless, optimistic. It was hard to tell from her writings if Ness was happy too. She seemed to be.

But it was also possible that she let herself get dragged around by this enchanting girl. Even if she was miserable and Tina knew, she would not put it in her blog. She might have written some poetry about it, but I could not make sense of her abstract drabbles.

Eve had called at some point during the evening, waking me from this Dartmouth world, to tell me that she would stay with Leah a little longer. The doctors had no results yet, but some had looked worried and therefore Leah's panic had not subsided.

She cared more for Dean than she ever had cared for anyone in her entire life, and I could understand her fear. Fate had not been generous at letting her keep the things she loved. Or people.

She was happy and optimistic now, but she had told me once that there was a voice deep down that said that it was too good to be true, too good to last and that she knew it. It said: enjoy it while it lasts because it's going to be taken away again.

Those were her darkest fears. The ones only I was allowed to see.

Eve felt some of it though, being a good friend, and she stayed with Leah until Dean would go to sleep.

I had only now realized how hungry I was, so I went downstairs to grab some sandwiches, and then got back under my covers to continue reading, while I ate.

The blog contained more of the same, things they did, places they went. People they met.

My guess about the Cullens all moving had been confirmed, as Tina describes meeting Ness's "nieces and cousins" and from then on some names of other Cullens tend to appear. Especially Emmett. Emmett said this or Emmett said that. He sure had made an impression, I thought with a pang of pain.

I missed the Cullens too. Emmett most of all.

After Ness of course.

The blog had been nice to read, relaxing, reading about two college girls having fun, some insinuations I didn't like though.

For instance before going on a holiday to LA she had written: "LA boys, watch out, 'cause the Dartmouth girls are coming to get ya!"

It could have been meant jokingly, but it dawned on me then, that if they were experimenting with art, and sports and parties, they were probably experimenting with boys as well.

I said to myself it was a good thing that I had left, because she would have hurt me in so many new ways. I thought that maybe this Tina had a bad influence on her. But if I was honest, she had been willing to experiment with boys before as well.

Me being one of them.

I heard Eve entering the house and saw on the clock that it was already after ten. I put the papers away in the closet again.

There was no need for PJ's as this week was work week in the land of ovulation.

I got undressed and lay on the bed, waiting for her.

She came up to the room, and undressed while telling me about the doctors and about Dean. She got under the covers as well, her hand went automatically between my legs, while she continued her story.

There was no all consuming burning passion with Eve, only kind and caring love, but it worked just as well for me.

I kissed her slowly and sweetly, to stop the hospital story, doctors did not work for me, and she understood and slowly began kissing my neck and shoulders, putting her story on hold for after. We followed our familiar path of fingering and stroking until wetness and hardness were adequate and then got into missionary position to start our lovemaking.

Some might say a sex life like this, is boring as hell, but I loved it. Loved making love to her, even if it was a routine and even if we used the same position over and over again.

Perhaps that was only because with Leah I had hot as hell too. I don't know.

I'll never know whether Eve would be enough for me if Leah was not around, because I plan to keep Leah around.

But despite having smoking sex with Leah, I still needed the love of this warm woman, emotionally and physically.

She was absolutely beautiful and our bodies matched well with each other.

We both liked the same things, sexually. As long as it feels good to both of us, there is nothing wrong with comfortable.

After I came, we lay down, spooning in sleeping position and she finished her story. I listened to her soft voice and smiled.

We were all lucky to have such an amazing woman in our lives.

If only I could give her this one thing. It is a lot to ask, a miracle maybe after two years, but if any woman deserves to receive such a miracle, it is my Eve.